Too ... Much

I'm feeling a little 'too ... something' right now.

It started slowly and was barely noticeable. But one phone call started to tip the balance. One more 'date-to-remember' ... one day after 'another-date-to-remember' ... on the same day that My Youngest started asking about 'what-we-could-do-to-celebrate-his-birthday'. Add this to the one weekend that I made plans (a few months ago)? Add all of the above to working on Sundays? It equals ... too much.

The month of June has been filled up with commitments. It started small. But it has grown. It is too busy.

Weekends started losing their fascination for me when work obligations started to overrule the leisure time. I have let the flyer routes go. I have not been asked to do work at my 'housecleaning job' for quite some time now. I just have one job left. On Sundays. When one half of (almost) every weekend is dedicated to work, I feel too committed.

So what have I been doing with any spare moment that I have within any given moment on a weekend? I have been spending money. I called it 'investing in my daycare' to compensate for my guilt in over spending. I agreed to adopt another cat. I have no idea what to call that to compensate for my need to fill a hole that is starting to become bigger than I want to admit. I'm filling that-which-is-empty within me with 'things'. I am spending too much.

My words are frail and brittle. I sit down each morning and wonder what I am going to write about. I am not finding small wonders within everyday moments as often as I was a little while ago. The emptiness within me is making its way to my fingertips. I am not writing honestly. I am not writing enough.

As empty and as over-committed as I am starting to realize that I am feeling underneath the busy-ness that is my life, I know it will all work out in the wash. I am woman, after all. Hear me roar. Or is that perhaps the roar of too many hormones? Or not enough. I really don't know how this hormonal stuff works when you are 50+ years old.

I have decided that the answer to my 'too much ... something' feeling is all summed up in the previous paragraph. I have never been one to blame the ebbs and flows of hormonal changes on the-way-I-am. Perhaps those around me would beg to differ.

For me? What I noticed is that there was a time of reckoning (perhaps every four weeks or so ... or during pregnancy ... or after my children were born), when all of a sudden everything seemed to be brought out into the open. When someone accused me of having the 'Baby Blues', I silently retorted "Baby Blues!??!!! Give me a break! I'm finally just putting a voice to all of the thoughts that I've been thinking for years!!"

I have turned what others may call PMS into my time to take action. It is a time when all that is not working is brought into sharp focus. Much of the time, the focus brings many, many good things to light. When life is out of balance? The focus shifts to that-which-needs-to-be-fixed.

So I shall go and 'fix' something.

• I don't have to attend each and every function that is happening in the month of June. Simply recognizing that fact eases my tension.
• My Son's birthday party will be easy. We simply have to plan it on a night where I don't have to work the next morning. To me? It will be a mandatory night off. At home (he is talking about having some friends sleep over)!!
• I should talk to my Sunday Employer and see if we can come up with a plan where I can work two long days in lieu of being available every weekend.
• Whenever I feel the urge to spend, I need to spend energy instead of cash. Something inside of me needs nurturing when I feel consumed to fill that need with spending, food or excess sleep.
• I need to refocus and look at the world through my rose tinted glasses. Looking at the world through the eyes of my Daycare Family is a good place to start. But I must focus on that-which-is-good. Because I have the tendency to focus on that-which-is-tedious when I get like this.
• I must continue to write. And write honestly. It is times when I let my fingers fly over the keyboard without excessive internal monitoring along the way, that I find my writing is real and relatable.
• I will grant myself permission to 'just blame it on my hormones' from time to time. Maybe a hormonal day-off should be in order. Simply a day to just say to myself "... and this too shall pass away ..." And when it doesn't? I shall be grateful for the clarity that comes with a really bad day. Often, the best solutions come after the greatest fall.

To anyone reading this that knows me well? Please also know that I am really, really okay. I'm just letting my fingers fly this morning. And this is what they have to say. Today. In this moment. Five minutes from now could (and will be) another story.

Sometimes a person just has to say the words. Unspoken words hold far too much power. I'm just saying it out loud.

Yesterday, it was great customer service. Today? It is a temporary case of 'too much' ...