Joy Spotting

I have stepped back from writing until I could refocus and see life through a different lens. Is it a coincidence that I started spotting joy after an eye appointment yesterday? Are my new glasses helping me see everything better? Perhaps ...

I didn't get my new (replacement) specs until the end of my eye appointment, which was followed by a dentist appointment a few hours later.

After turning the ringer off on my phone, I purposely looked up. I watched and listened to my surroundings. 

The first thing I focused on was a family of three - a mom and three children. One makes a lot of assumptions when people watching and I found myself believing these three were siblings and the adult was the mom. What I saw, was three children simply being themselves. 

The oldest hovered in the toy/book area with the youngest. The youngest was captivated by the books. Putting one away before pulling out another, sitting at the child sized table and taking in all there was to see within the pages. No hurry. Simple enjoyment. The middle child sat on the mother's knee. 

Each child was content in the moment they were in. The child who appeared to need the closeness of a parent was not being forced to join the others, go play or even be any further away from comfort than they needed to be. The oldest was not engaged in an active caregiver roll. My impression was that the oldest was kind of grateful for a younger sibling which gave them the excuse to play with the toys. The youngest was content in their independence, yet secure in the knowledge they were not alone. Siblings, comfort and safety was an arm's length away.

Bliss. Pure bliss. To watch a young family simply "be" together. 

Meanwhile, other patients were checking in and I simply sat back and absorbed the light rapport and kindnesses that were volleyed back and forth between patients and receptionists. Good manners, good humor, gentle words lightly seasoned with laughter. 

It was nothing. But it was everything.

The past three years, I have ventured out of the house as little as possible. When I did leave the security of home, I was armed with a face mask, hand sanitizer and a very healthy dose of physical distance between those inhabiting the same space. Many others wore similar armor. 

We can witness people's smiles again. Children can play with toys and books in a public space. The underlying fear of exposure to a force we could not see but was evidenced all around us has abated.

As I sat back and simply inhaled the moments watching people be people, I refocused on the joy of simple pleasures. People being people. Together. 

When we isolate ourselves and our main source of information is the news and news feeds we invite into our existence, we are seeing only a very narrow vantage point of an entire panoramic view. 

When our personal lives become focused on that-which-is-out-of-our-control, it is extremely hard to find the courage to let go and let life unfold. Life is a delicate house of cards. When we think we know the forecast, we try to find a way to manage the aftermath. Even when we aren't certain of the chain of events that may or may not take us down that road.

I have become hyper-focused on far too many situations that are out of my control. When I left the house yesterday, looked up and into the world and focused on the moment I was in. It was good.

It is time to focus on joy again. 

Good Morning! How are you??

I cannot seem to commit to daily writing these days. I'm not certain why. Not an overload of words lately. That is all.

And how are YOU?

How are you managing life-as-you-know-it these days? Days leading up into the season of festivities. Days where no matter what is going on in the world around us, we are still walking through our day to day lives making daily decisions as necessitated. Working. Living. Cleaning. Relating. Managing. 

I only peek at the news lately. The big news is too much to take in. All it does is provide me one more excuse to put off for another day, what I should have done a few years ago.

Does it really matter in the whole scheme of things?

I default to attempting to forecast my financial future and wonder about the stability of my income. It is all so very uncertain and daunting when I look beyond where I am at and look ahead too far. As much as I plan, life unfolds in its own way and in its own time. 

"Trust the pause" is my personal motto. When where I am isn't where I hope to be forever, I become impatient. The pause is there for a purpose. Use it.

I have retreated from life. COVID was my excuse and continues to be my best alibi for living small. My daughter has COVID, so I have happily accepted all the consequences that have come from that. When I know I will be in contact with people, I take another test (still coming up negative), I wear a mask and keep as wide a distance from myself and others as possible. 

Recently, I was walking through the grocery store - masked and distanced. I didn't make eye contact with people. I felt (and wanted to be) invisible. Until I met a person in the aisle and each of us kept moving out of the other's way and continued to be in each other's way for about four side steps. I finally said, "I'll just stay still so you can get around me". It was only in the aftermath of the encounter that I wondered if it was my cousin's voice that I heard as I kept my eyes averted and pretended to be invisible.

I have become so small, I feel like a speck within this universe. In reality, we are just specks in the whole scheme of things. In my most content years, I felt vital and alive within the little circle of friends and family who were my universe. Feeling like a speck is a symptom I have retreated too far within myself.

It is all within my power.

To work like my job has no end. To live healthfully as if I'm going to live to 100. To clean as if company may drop by unexpectedly. To reach out to people to refresh connections that matter so much. To structure my days in a matter where I am not simply managing ... but actually living my life.

I listened to Jane Fonda speak recently. At age 85, she is living a purposeful life and aspires to do everything within her power to leave this world in a better place than it's headed for her grandchildren. She spoke of doing a life review around the age of sixty and rebuilt her life-after-marriage at age 62. My age.

We are nearing the third year anniversary of a global pandemic which shut down and isolated the world. Three years. And I've never craved solitude more than I do right now. 

Curious and curiouser. Perhaps it is time to do a life review. Come out the other side of that and rebuild. Again. Maybe that is what "this" is all about.

And how about you? How are you managing these days? How are you feeling? Are you still dreaming of a future you are anticipating? Are you okay?

The more quiet I get, the more I wonder about others. Please take care out there. Reach out when you can. Let's rebuild our worlds. Again.

Going Home Again

I did it! I have finalized and tweaked my upcoming three-day-vacation plans. I have contacted those I hope to see and set up some tentative times to meet. And I've given myself the gift of one extra night.

During the last of my visits with Mom, I offered to leave Monday morning and she readily agreed to having someone in the house one more night. That bonus day became exactly that. One more day. One more night. One more visit. 

I would leave nice and early Monday morning and be home in time to make it to my bonus job. Every weekend felt like a long weekend when I tacked on that extra night.

As I mapped out my plans for my visit back in Mom's old neighborhood, I hoped I would be able to arrange visits with those I've missed seeing (so much!) since the pandemic changed our world. It has always been my intention to keep going back to visit family and friends after Mom died. The year 2020 changed all of that.

I have maintained relationships with those-at-a-distance since I moved away from my old neighborhood 35 years ago. I became a loyal customer to Canada Post, weekly letters to Mom, occasional letters to friends, birthdays, Christmas, thank you and thinking of you cards and notes were second nature to me. Long distance phone calls were a luxury back in those days, before discounted long distance calling and long distance phone deals were invented. That didn't deter me. I could write to anyone at any time of the day or night and know my letter in the mail would not be an interruption in their day. It would sit quietly on its own and would be opened in due time. I wasn't an inconvenience to anyone. I loved those days.

Then came email. Instant receipt of my long winded letters in emails. Once again, I was quietly assured that my email would only be read when the recipient had time. Emails don't require an instant response though the turnaround time to send and receive an email certainly trumped the postal system. 

I could send out a number of emails at one time. "Send and forget" was my motto. I was very brave issuing invitations because I could invite a number of people at one time and there was no score keeping. I didn't take a non-response as an insult. I cast a wide net and those who were inclined, were free to join in. No expectation. No disappointment. I lived my glory days via email. It was a good time.

Then ... came cell phones. I didn't have the ability to send or receive texts on my first phone. Nor did I want that feature. Cell phones are for emergencies or when you aren't near a landline. I didn't want people to have my cell number because I considered my phone a call-out-only convenience. If I wasn't home, I didn't want to be talking on the phone.

Well ... all of that has changed. When I finally updated my old cell phone, my new one came with a cell phone package that included texting. This was back in 2010. I was still new to texting and though it was a novelty and kind of fun to send and receive instant messages, I wasn't entirely sold on the idea as a way of life.

I don't know how it happened. But it has. The convenience of texting and receiving instant gratification more often than not, I ended up being "one of those people" who utilized their cell phone as a regular means of communication. Whether I was home or not. 

The expectation of receiving an immediate response has changed me. Much to my chagrin, I have started keeping score. I love that I have friends and family who are known for only reading and responding to messages when it is a good time for them. No slight intended. They have kept me grounded and saved me from myself. As much as I fall back into the "I wonder why I haven't heard back...", I can talk myself down. Perhaps my message wasn't received. No time to respond. Maybe they simply forgot to reply or hit the "Send" button after thinking they had responded (I've done this on more occasions than I can remember).

Long story short, I have talked myself into believing I may not even have friends in my old neighborhood who are all that interested in visiting with me when I'm out. Just how much of a friend have I been lately? I don't call. I don't write. I don't reach out. Would I want to be my friend? Maybe my wish for isolation was granted [be careful what you wish for].

I sat still with those thoughts until they had time to marinade a little. It was a good reminder for me to be more of the friend I want to be. So I started reaching out to those who I hoped to see. And they responded. They like me! They still like me!! Even after I took COVID restrictions to the max and isolated myself ever so much longer than necessary.

 I can go home again!! And I will ensure I do my best to keep that door open.

Stay at Home Recommendations

Storm warning alerts bombarded my phone this morning. A winter storm watch has given me permission to stay home this weekend. Ahhh.

I love, love, love my little home-away-from-home. I tend to forget just how much I enjoy being there until I open the door upon my arrival. Then I fall in love with this little oasis away from home all over again. But I have been longing to just stay put lately.

Staying home is so simple. No preparation required. Cool winter weather, ice, snow and wind just make me want to hunker down and hibernate. 

I have felt a warm and welcome invitation to winter this year. Shortened days equate to less expectations. Cool weather makes my cozy winter socks feel like a warm hug. Winter weather conditions dictate stay-at-home recommendations. It is like COVID restrictions all over again. And I'm in. I'm ALL in!

I want to reserve my social and out-of-home energy for a mini-holiday (who else in the world calls a three day getaway a holiday?) coming soon. It takes extra energy to be "on" on a weekend. This energy is easily recharged when I'm around those who I am hoping to see while away. It will be exactly what I don't know I need. I can feel it already.

But this weekend? I am grateful for the recommendation to just stay home.

Hanging on By a Thread

Life is fine. I'm doing okay. All is well enough within the confines of my small little world. But am I the only one who feels like I'm just hanging on and dangling by a thread until the next wave of the unknown hits?

Ever since the COVID pandemic stunned the planet with the ability to paralyze the world and leave no one untouched by the effects, I have a feeling I'm not alone with the unsteadiness of the ground beneath my feet.

On a personal level it is the unknowns that lie before me that have stopped me in my tracks. I'm regaining my footing but I'm ever wary of each forward step I take. It's like descending a staircase in the dark. Tentatively putting one foot out and feeling for the security of the next step while the other foot is on solid ground. All-the-while, holding onto the banister just in case the stairway gives out.

Work. Family. Health. Finances. Future. These are the things that will forever remain tentative and subject to change.

I marvel at my good fortune. All of the above is stable and I have faith all will work out in the end no matter how much I attempt to plan. 

I feel like I'm living in the state of "before". "Before COVID"; "Before" all the life changing situations which seemingly happened out of the blue but there is a distinct divide in the "before" and "after" timeline.

Hanging by a thread. More like a spider's web. Caught up in my thoughts more than anything at all. 

Everything is okay. I'm just wary of the ground I'm standing on. Feeling a little like I'm finding my way through a house of mirrors. The secret is to look at the ground. Keep grounded. 

I had no idea I was going to write this. Not sure where this came from. It all started with the feeling I was walking into the day hanging on by a thread ...

Setting Intentions

I sat down and had a good, stern talk with myself one morning a few days ago. I came up with a list of intentions. I may have set too many. But I tried to make each and every one of them attainable.

It sounds easy:

• Walk
• Water 
• Write
• Limit TV/Netflix
• MINDFUL eating only (cut out eating in front of the TV, while at the computer or reading)
• Read
• Putter
• Initiate (notes/letters/email; invitations; seek out something new/different)

NOTE: Absolutely NONE-OF-THE-ABOVE cost one penny!

So far, I have managed four out of the eight. Not bad but there is room for improvement.

Writing - that is a big one for me. I have been half-hazardly hand writing three, 8-1/2" X 11" morning pages in a semi sorta on-again-off-again manner. I can do better than that. So? Here I am. Back on my blog.

When I started this blog, my goal was to write once a day. Focus on the positive. Live my days so I had something to write about (i.e. NOTICE the little things daily). Little stories. Write purposefully and attempt to wind up each post with a succinct finish that made my words worth reading.

I have strayed far off the mark and recently simply stopped posting. 

I am back. I plan to stay. By blogging, I become accountable. Accountable to show up, live each day in the moment so I have something fresh to bring to the page, focus on positive and up-lifting moments and make an attempt to wind up my thoughts with a summary worth reading. 

Those are a lofty set of goals. I am rusty but I will give it my best shot. I can tell I'm already making some headway. I am noticing "nature" again. I am stopping to listen and watch the world like I did in my days of daycaring. I have picked up the phone and initiated contact with friends and family. I am getting my feet wet and initiating invitations &/or suggestions.

I have been lost. COVID restrictions kept me where I was comfortable. It is time to peek out of this protected little shell I've built around myself and step back into the world. Would you like to join me? Please do. I do believe a better way of living life is out there if we simply open our eyes, ears and door so we can meet life half way.

I'm On My Way

From my limited personal perspective, a lot of good things came out of how I navigated throughout the COVID-19 pandemic. I have several examples but one of my all time personal favorites (though it may come after working from home) is online grocery shopping.

I take our grocery list and casually add items to our cart while I'm enjoying my morning coffee. I love the handy dandy Easy Reorder feature. I like the friendly reminders of personal favorites and regularly ordered items. I feel less alone in the fact that my grocery shopping cart is very similar from week to week and there is no judgement that comes with those reminders. Yes, it is a well documented fact that convenience foods and chips are staples in our household. 

I enjoy the convenience of being able to come back to my unsubmitted order and modify my choices. It gives me every opportunity to always remember to buy everything we need (even though I am usually starting my next shopping list moments after hitting the "Place Order" button).

The time I save by being able to order from home is by far the best byproduct of online shopping. I am less stressed. I don't have to navigate the aisles/people/line-ups. Someone does the shopping for me, rings it in and loads it all in my trunk. Shopping doesn't get much better than this!

The joy I feel when I press the "I'm on my way" on the shopping app is like no other.

One quick stop on my way from home from work and voila! I let them know what parking stall I am in and the color of my car. All I have to do is pop the trunk when I hear them coming.

I am not a fan of shopping at the best of times. I am so grateful the pandemic has introduced me to a method of shopping that suits me to a "T".

"I'm on my way" - one more little sign that simply makes me happy.

Back to Reality

I did it. I went out. I survived. But it wasn't easy.

The "bar scene" is not my favorite any day of the week. Twelve days past the removal of COVID restrictions was simply the icing on the cake.

I find it reassuring in the stores to see most of the staff still wearing their masks. The plexiglass between the cashier and customer remains. Most people in the line up remain two metres apart. Even without the stickers and arrows directing traffic in the store aisle, the stores I have frequented remain somewhat "distanced". 

In the bar? No such thing. 

None of the staff wore masks. Tables are close together. No plexiglass in sight. To hear someone talk, you had to be two inches apart. Two metres? Not a chance.

People, people, people. Hugging people. Shoulder to shoulder people. So many people. 

But you know? You get used to it. Will I feel more comfortable after two weeks pass and I don't hear this bar was a COVID hot spot? You bet. But once I was in it, I surrendered to whatever fate may have in store.

I'm fully vaccinated. The people I went out with were vaccinated. One can only assume the majority of the people in the bar were vaccinated. The risk of infection is minimal. I know this.

All of this on my mind and there was ONE thing that superseded all of my worries:

People ARE still coloring their hair!! I went out in public with nine months worth of roots on full display. I felt like my "silver" hair caught what little light there was and reflected it in all its glory.

My circle has been so small since COVID. I really thought the world would take this chance to let their true colors show. 

I was wrong. Reality is not all it's cracked up to be. 

A Small Goal

If I had only one goal to fulfill, it would be this: "I never want to wake up feeling dread for the day ahead of me".

Sounds easy. 

We all have these days. A day of dread. Dreading work. Dreading a day of too much, too little, too stressful, too hard. Challenging relationships. Financial woes. Hard decisions. Lacking motivation. Depression. Anxiety. Ill health. Concern over loved ones.

The feeling of not wanting to face up to the day is not my worry alone. 

My anxiety this morning is not a big, onerous, worrisome concern. It is a social outing. I must go out with people. I must meet up with people on unfamiliar territory. I must walk into a situation I am completely uncomfortable with. 

This is the first post-COVID invitation I have accepted. I have some angst over being in a crowded area without social distancing and masks involved. There will be people talking loudly. I visualize the mist of saliva wafting through the air.

There will be laughter and joy. Comedy and music. Enjoying the talent family members have honed, with my family. 

The sad thing is, I cannot wait to wake up tomorrow morning and have this all behind me. 

I should have declined the invitation. Maybe I can still wiggle out of it. 

I have been here before. Doing hard things for me, means accepting invitations. 99.9% of the time, I am grateful to have walked through the hard and got to the other side AND enjoyed myself in the process. I am 90% certain I will wake up tomorrow morning with a happiness hangover. 

But today? I just want to live the life of a cat. Not a care in the world other than finding the most comfortable spot to savor the day. I highly doubt our furry felines wake up dreading the day ahead of them. Then again, who knows? 

Three Bonus Days

February was quite literally the shortest month I have ever experienced. 

Not only was the month cut short by the extra two to three days we are accustomed to, but two of those precious days were Saturday and Sunday. All of my month end deadlines had to be met on or before February 26th.

It was a marathon. When I woke up on the morning of the 26th, I breathed a huge sigh of relief. All my February deadlines had been met.

Then I woke up to March. More deadlines, a never ending line up of work-to-do and continually playing "catch up". A sense of weariness washed over me.

Then I counted the week days March has in store. I have 23 week days to complete the jobs I have on hand. Three bonus days!! 

Eureka! I felt as though I had struck gold.

March marks the beginning of the end of winter. I well remember how I felt when March rolled around when I was daycaring. We would find ways to navigate the mud and grime from the melting snow and we would go outside as much as we could. I would quite literally park myself in a sunbeam and soak up all the Vitamin D I could endure.

March feels different this year.

It marks the one year anniversary of when most of us were impacted by COVID-19. It celebrates the beginning of the end of what could have felt like the longest winter in history. Not only is spring on the horizon but vaccinations and a ray of hope is emerging with the sun.

March will bring its share of surprises, unexpected weather and events. We never know what tomorrow will bring. But can I be very selfish for a moment and add "If you are working within the world of accounting, deadlines and numbers ... you have three extra days to complete your job this month. Yee haw!!"

Then ... we will wake up to April. The month where spring is in the air, the hours of sunshine are far exceeding those of moonlight, dreams of summer are on the horizon and (yes) income taxes are due to be filed.

Deadlines make the world go 'round. It is the world's way to help us appreciate those bonus days whenever we can.

An Unexpected Surprise

Throughout our current pandemic-in-progress, I have rather joyfully accepted my fate and followed the stay-at-home recommendations with ease. 

I have broken this protocol to go to work; get groceries [which has fully transitioned to curbside pick up which is my newest favorite thing!]; pick up prescriptions; replaced my broken glasses; got a mammogram; pick up library books [after reserving them online and checking them out myself to minimize contact and save time as an added bonus];  get gas; run errands as required for my work and donate blood. 

The only thing I had on this weekend's agenda was a blood donation appointment. Between the ability to complete the questionnaire online; the new protocol of appointments only and an overall streamlining of things I can be in and out of the building in no time flat. As I read over the revised COVID protocol, it was mentioned that they were no longer allowing you to eat your after-donation-snack in the building to avoid any hand-to-mouth contact. Everything is individually packaged and must be taken with you when you go. Normally I forego the snacks in an effort to save time. But snacks to go? Sure. Sign me up!!

What I did not think of, is that they still want you to stay in the building and wait to ensure there are no ill effects after your blood donation. I was directed toward my chair while the person in charge happily loaded up my to-go-cart with everything I asked for and so much more.

Then came the wait.

Well! This person was engaging, interesting and all-round entertaining. "Multiple choice question for you ..." directed thankfully at the person sitting two meters to my left. The initial round of questions were dedicated to our solar system (inspired by the Mars landing this week) - how many miles to the moon; how many moons could you fit inside the earth; how many earths could fit inside Jupiter; trivia about the effect the moon has on the earth; did you know if the moon were to suddenly vanish, our 24 hour days would become 10 hour days? The second round of questions were related to the royal family - what city in Canada was named after Queen Victoria's husband; what province was named after one of their daughters; did you know Lake Louise was also named after this same daughter?

The waiting room filled to capacity as blood donors came to collect their prize for donating blood that day and the entertainment went on.

This was the first time I went out for entertainment in almost a year. It was well worth the wait in the most unexpected circumstances.

I spent well over an hour in the blood donation clinic. I am normally in and out in half the time. Will I accept the treats as a trade off for being "held hostage" for the recommended time any time in the future? Probably not. But it was fun while it lasted. 

All I wanted was chips and pop ...

Revelling in the Moment

My desire to write out loud has diminished along with my ambition, motivation and joy factor. As I woke up to a bright and shiny Saturday morning I felt a glimmer of all of the above return. Do I dare wonder why? Or do I simply revel in the moment?

I think I shall do a little of each.

What is right in the world today? The longest months of winter are behind us. Days are lengthening, the sun is getting a little stronger, we are on the other end of a cold snap and the sky has been blue for several days running.

Deduction: Sunlight matters. 

What have I done to make a difference? I have knocked several big jobs off my to-do-list within my job and personal commitments. I managed to accomplish several small tasks on the home maintenance list before the weekend [it may only be washing a few loads of laundry and vacuuming but I still call that a win right now]. All errands are run, the car is filled with gas, my personal accounting/books are up to date and our grocery supplies have been replenished.

Deduction: A sense of accomplishment matters.

Who have I spent time with? I am not alone. I share a roof with my adult child and two cats, for whom I am eternally grateful. I have a nice rotation of friends and family who I have semi-regular phone visits with. People who I miss visiting in person are on the other end of the phone line during this long spell of relative isolation. Our phone calls are the next best thing to "being there". The telephone connection has been a godsend.

Deduction: People and relationships matter.

What thoughts are going through my mind at this very moment? Gratitude. Simple and easy gratitude. For every milk, juice and container I emptied this morning, there was a replacement item sitting in its place. Functioning electricity is keeping our food frozen and our toes warm. My old and reliable car is getting me where I need to go. The roof over our heads is weathering all the conditions of the world around us and our city is providing all the services we need to keep our homes running as we expect.

Deduction: Appreciation and thankfulness matter.

How are we managing on all things health related? I know we are beyond blessed. I feel as fit as a fiddle [what an odd saying ... how does a fiddle stay fit?]. Family and friends are doing okay. This is a gift no matter what the time and place but as we continue to endure the-year-of-COVID, sustained good health is a global matter. Money can buy a lot of things, it can make a huge difference in countries where public health coverage is not a given but in matters of life and death money cannot buy a cure.

Deduction: Good health makes all the difference in the world.

The cycles of life ... the seasons ... the moon ... the hills and valleys of living life ... what we are living changes moment by moment. 

I am grateful for the return of the sun, the position of the moon, the fact I have made it to this particular plateau where I can simply sit and enjoy the view for a while. I hope to utilize this renewal period in a fashion where it continues to grow. 

My wish for you is the same. No matter where you may be on your own particular mountain, please tread carefully, stay safe, rest as needed, and when you are able, take the next forward step. ONE small step at a time gets us where we need to be. May you reach your next plateau, enjoy the view and continue on your journey. One small step at a time.

Sit with me and revel in the moment. No matter where you are, recapture your inner child where you simply see, feel, hear and breathe in the moment. The moment may bring you joy, it may break the façade you are portraying to the world and bring you to tears. Honor the moment no matter what it brings. Feel your feelings, let go of the need to be someone you think you should be. Just be "you". 

Just for this moment. Just revel with me ...

One New Thing

I have just finished watching the Minimalist's new Netflix documentary "Less is Now".

In the spirit of "minimalism", I will add no more other than this documentary spoke to me. It may speak to someone else. It may not.

I will endeavor to post "that which brings me joy" or inspiration or food for thought here for a while. We are all navigating the ongoing pandemic in our own unique way. I have been seeking joy. In the small things.

Here is "one new thing" to add to my un-blogged little things that make me think.

The question is: What will be the catalyst to make me ACT?

The Shortest Day and the Brightest Star

Today marks the shortest day of, what many may consider, the longest year. To mark the occasion, Jupiter and Saturn will appear "as one" in the night sky. [I have read to look into the sky, toward the southwest about a half hour after sun set]

I find comfort in looking upwards on any given day but this day sounds momentous. It is said this event will not occur until May, 2080 and the last time it took place was about 400 years ago.

For this to happen so close to Christmas Day during a year of global upheaval seems almost ... biblical.

As we officially mark the beginning of winter on the darkest day of a particularly dark year, our days will now start to get longer. 

There is hope on the horizon. Winter is always followed by spring. A vaccination is on its way. It is always darkest before dawn.

There are untold amounts of people who have been tragically affected by the virus we call COVID-19 ... let there be light. Please. Let there be lightness that follows the heaviness of events past. 

The Day the Well Ran Dry

The well didn't exactly run dry but it felt as if we ran out of almost anything I touched.

The end of a toilet paper roll, the last of the frozen orange juice, the last cup of coffee, the end of cat litter deodorizer ... and the day had just begun.

Of all the things I emptied, I had a back up supply to replenish the stock. 

I had been watching my pennies very carefully and knew "today" was the day I could resume spending. I had reached the limit I could repay in full on my credit card so I just needed to get to today until I could start spending again.

The last time I ran our grocery supply so close to the wire was COVID-Friday. 

It was the day COVID became real in our world and I had let our supplies run low because I was playing the game of "no spending allowed until the credit card cut off date". By the time I made it to the store that fateful day in 2020, the stock on the shelves was depleted to a scary all time low.

As I lived that moment of déjà vu, I felt a small amount of angst but forged on with the morning.

I ordered our groceries online and picked them up without the world as I know it ending. Other than the cat litter deodorizer being out of stock for the second time in a row, all of our reserves were brought back to their usual levels and life will go on.

"This" is the very reason I like to have one extra of everything we use regularly on hand at all times. One never knows when the well may run dry and refilling those reserves may not be as easy as it always has been.

I guess this is why they suggest we should have between three to six months of worth of basic living expenses available in case of emergency. If I have so much trouble making it to my next credit card statement cut off date, you can imagine how my emergency savings fund must look.

One never knows when life-as-we-know-it could change on a dime. We have very little control over the vast majority of all that could happen. Perhaps this is why I have always had a budget. I need to feel in control of something within this out of control world. 

I Keep Waiting For This Announcement:

Ever since the reality of a global pandemic infiltrated my safe little world, there has been a surreal sensation of "this feels like an experiment of human nature".

• How do humans react when faced with scarcity?
• How do humans respond to isolation? fear? the unknown?
• How does a global condition unite and divide humankind?
• How does an unknown timeline affect this condition?
• How will world leaders react?
• With global uncertainty at the core of all news, how will people manage the layers of other world events on top of this uncertainty?
• When all of the above becomes "the norm", how will humans manage on a day-to-day basis?
• Will the human condition change after the crisis is over?

As I tentatively move from one day to the next and seven months later, we are still navigating the unknown on a day to day basis, I keep waiting for this announcement:

Emergency Broadcast System Test (1983)

"This concludes the test of the Emergency Broadcast System" 

Wouldn't it be nice?

Paid in Full

 Another pay day, one more big bill crossed off my list-of-bills-to-pay is paid in full. Oh, what a feeling!!

It was approximately a year ago when I borrowed money from my son's savings account to paint the exterior of our home. I have been playing catch-up ever since. It has taken a year to get back to "zero" and my income has remained stable throughout this time. 

At the beginning of COVID, I was uncertain how my income would be affected. I had a back up plan but it involved incurring debt. Had worst come to worst, I would have qualified for the payments our government provided which would have been a godsend. Taking on added debt without a regular pay cheque in sight is incredibly hard to make up.

I count my lucky stars for every month where my income rolls in as expected and on time. I realize my income sources are not a guarantee and know I need to create a contingency plan for the time when this changes.

It took a year to recover from borrowing $5,000. What if my income was cut by a third? How would I manage? Contingency plans run rampantly through my thoughts as there will come a day when that becomes my reality.

Now that I'm almost in the home stretch of paying my major annual expenses (house and car insurance left to go), I must take action to ensure I'm not so reliant on every penny I earn.

It always ends up this way. The moment there is a small amount of wiggle room within my budget, I find a way to create the scarcity I am accustomed to living with. I've made do with much less in the past. I always find a way.

Back up plans, cut backs on personal spending and making do. I am grateful for the stay-at-home recommendations throughout this time. It has made budgeting so much easier to attain. 

Last July and August my vacation spending equalled the amount it took me one year to save this year. Then, I went on to spend that amount all over again throughout the remainder of the year. Vacationing is expensive!

I'm on the right track but I must admit COVID restrictions have made all things possible. Finding my way back into the black is a huge incentive to keep going this way. As my son quoted something he read long ago, when one is continually living in debt and fighting to pay it off, the end reward is, "All that hard work and budgeting and all I have, is 'zero' ". 

Zero is good. Ground zero is a very good foundation. Working up to that foundation is not without its challenges, but when you get there the tendency is to try to keep your head above water. 

Staying afloat is a life long endeavor. I am grateful for what I have, how I got here and my ability to maintain the status quo. At least for now. 

How in the world does a person ever retire when living pay cheque to pay cheque has been your reality your entire adult life? I'm sure life will teach me this lesson. 

To be continued ...

Holiday - COVID style

 I invited my aunt to go on a short road trip with me a few days ago. 

Our destination was about an hour and a half out of the city. I assumed there would be a nice little walking path and enough to see to make it worth the trip. Then I made the decision to take the long way home in order to travel on a better highway. 

We left the city about 2:15 p.m.; arrived at our destination at 3:45 p.m.; back on the road home by 4:00; then re-entered the city limits by by 5:30. 

It was a perfect fall day. Crops were ripe and in various stages of harvest. The sky was blue, the weather was ideal and it was a very good day for a drive to no where (which is pretty much what it amounted to, as our final destination was definitely underwhelming). 

Our 3-1/2 hour day trip was enough for both me and my aunt. Both of us were eager to return home and stay home for the duration of the weekend to follow.

We pondered whether it was really worth the drive but I told my aunt "this" was my summer holiday this year. "This is and will be as far as I venture this year. Thank you for joining me!"

I had a déjà vu moment when I uttered the words "This is my holiday ..." Then I remembered. It was my last vacation at Mom's. Initially, I went out of concern for Mom, then stayed on longer than I had anticipated. Mom was worried about me missing work but I told her “this is my holiday” and I treated it as such. 

It was a vacation I will never regret. It was a spur of the moment decision at a time when I knew life as we knew it could change on a dime.

It was the right thing to do. Shortly thereafter, our lives were forever altered. Mom died within the month.

Vacations are a state of mind. The destination matters less than the company you keep and your ability to simply breathe in the moment you are in.

Holiday - COVID style found me on a day trip with my aunt. Something tells me I will never regret this holiday either.

Weekends

Weekends are defined differently since my work moved in with me. They are less about not working and more about not having to leave the house.

The minute I know I must leave home, my entire perspective shifts. A day interrupted by walking out the door changes everything.

I am a self-isolating kind of person by nature. Not much has changed for me with the COVID guidelines. I have simply been given me permission to be more of who I am.

Permission but not free reign. I must leave home and interact with the world around me. I would like to book a voluntary self isolation holiday this year. Fourteen consecutive days off with no where to go and no need to "be" anything to anyone sounds heavenly.

If I manage my time well while I am out today, it is my hope to able to stay home all weekend. I'll settle for two consecutive days off. If it wasn't for my work, I would disconnect myself from all forms of technology as well. That day will come. 

Self isolating has never sounded so good.

Today

I can't believe what I'm about to write. I am actually welcoming the idea of the sun sleeping in just a little bit longer. I am comforted by grabbing a sweater in the morning while there is a bit of a chill in the air. 

In a world where so much feels ever-changing, unpredictable and unprecedented I am comforted by the knowledge our seasons will change and although the sun is not shining as long as it has been, we know this is temporary. 

The sun always rises. Shortening days are followed by longer ones. Summer is followed by fall, which leads the way into winter where we anticipate the return of longer days, the renewal of spring and the harvest of our summer.

Nature is leading the way during this time of great uncertainty. News of Hurricane Laura, descriptions of a "surge" and the word "unsurvivable" tossed into  news briefs remind me to be grateful for what I have today.

Today my biggest problem is tending to month-end bookkeeping work. While it feels overwhelming at times, it is predictable and I have some control over how my days play out.

Another month has sped by. I feel like I'm in a time warp. Days go by quickly. Seasons blur from one into the next. In a few days I will have last year's income taxes paid in full. Just in time to start saving for this year's taxes. 

They say there are only two certainties in life. Death and taxes. This is something to hold onto while a global pandemic, racism, raging fires, hurricanes are the backdrop of our lives. Lives where challenges of living a regular ordinary life are still mounting. 

Today? I am grateful for taxes. It beats the alternative.