Blanketed in Friendship

We met by chance, became (and remained) friends by choice. These are the people I spent time with this past weekend.

They navigated life, snow and made time for a little "retreat" at my little oasis of a home. And it was good.

My hosting muscle is weak and out of shape. A weekend with friends reminded me "I can do this!" and strengthened my ability to live a step outside my comfort zone.

In an attempt to clear the clutter of my mind, I had a list of things-to-do before my guests arrived. I was down to the final hour before their anticipated arrival time. I knew time was running short so I asked myself, "What would you rather them catch you doing when they arrive? Vacuuming? Or snow shoveling?" Shoveling won.

My home was clean (enough), meals were prepared and I had just finished clearing enough snow for my guests to park, get out and around their vehicle when they arrived.

Then the magic began.

There is comfort in being around those who know you well and the feeling of knowing them well too. Shared history creates a solid foundation for a weekend visit. 

There was comfort, laughter, food, comradery, encouragement, more laughter and more food. We tested out our sea legs at the mineral spa. We enjoyed the music of an artist we know through someone we had all worked with. 

Our weekend was blanketed not only in the fresh-fallen snow. but in the comfort and ease of friendship that has spanned over the course of the past 35 years. 

It was a weekend worth the effort of clearing the path for whatever the next 26 hours had in store.

Guest Ready

Preparing for guests is truly a gift to myself. I do little other than ensure bedding, bathrooms and the house in general is fresh, clean and tidied up. Oh, and food. Prepare food. Simple, easy to serve sustenance. I do these things for myself but, more often than not, not all at the same time.

There is a potential I may have overnight guests. The possibility is there but certainty evades me at the moment (darn snow!!).

Thus, I climbed out of bed and directly into a forward momentum this morning. Washing sheets and a load of darks is well underway. I have two beds (out of three) guest-ready.

Meat is thawed for a make-ahead slow cooker meal. That will simmer as I clean bathrooms, dust and vacuum. I may get some soup simmering too.

If my guests opt to come today, I must shovel out a spot on the driveway for them (darn snow!!).

No matter what happens, I am truly the benefactor of this motivational push. I deserve clean sheets, bathrooms & house as much as anyone. I will reap the benefits of having some meals made ahead. It is a win-win situation.

Will clear snow for guests ... personally, "I know a guy (company) with a Bobcat" and I'll wait.

Holding Memories

Memories ...

We collect them over the course of our lives

It is a gift when we can recall these moments on demand

Especially when we are reminded these moments are precious and dear,

With a limited time warranty.

A friend who was near and dear to my heart is gone

I don't know the end of her story

We had drifted apart after her last move

Distance has never stopped me before

I'm disappointed I let this time be different.

She was beyond special

Perhaps a little too precious for this world of ours.

Anyone who knew her spoke highly of her

She was an angel unaware

Beautiful inside and out

A gentle and tender spirit who walked among us.

She lived and breathed and experienced life with a sense of "aaah"

Walking beside her and seeing the world through her eyes

Made ordinary moments extraordinary.

We worked together

We remained friends despite job changes, moves and life transformations.

We were two of a small group of friends who cherished any time we could get together

Our friendships were celebrated and honored

We amassed a treasure trove of memories - written and remembered

We spoke the words out loud.

The door is always open

No pressure

Whenever you can make it is the perfect time

No expiry dates

No expectations

Simple friendship that was anything but simple

Memories I am grateful to recall in pictures, movies, notes and letters over the course of time.

Memories to have and to hold.

Going Home Again

I did it! I have finalized and tweaked my upcoming three-day-vacation plans. I have contacted those I hope to see and set up some tentative times to meet. And I've given myself the gift of one extra night.

During the last of my visits with Mom, I offered to leave Monday morning and she readily agreed to having someone in the house one more night. That bonus day became exactly that. One more day. One more night. One more visit. 

I would leave nice and early Monday morning and be home in time to make it to my bonus job. Every weekend felt like a long weekend when I tacked on that extra night.

As I mapped out my plans for my visit back in Mom's old neighborhood, I hoped I would be able to arrange visits with those I've missed seeing (so much!) since the pandemic changed our world. It has always been my intention to keep going back to visit family and friends after Mom died. The year 2020 changed all of that.

I have maintained relationships with those-at-a-distance since I moved away from my old neighborhood 35 years ago. I became a loyal customer to Canada Post, weekly letters to Mom, occasional letters to friends, birthdays, Christmas, thank you and thinking of you cards and notes were second nature to me. Long distance phone calls were a luxury back in those days, before discounted long distance calling and long distance phone deals were invented. That didn't deter me. I could write to anyone at any time of the day or night and know my letter in the mail would not be an interruption in their day. It would sit quietly on its own and would be opened in due time. I wasn't an inconvenience to anyone. I loved those days.

Then came email. Instant receipt of my long winded letters in emails. Once again, I was quietly assured that my email would only be read when the recipient had time. Emails don't require an instant response though the turnaround time to send and receive an email certainly trumped the postal system. 

I could send out a number of emails at one time. "Send and forget" was my motto. I was very brave issuing invitations because I could invite a number of people at one time and there was no score keeping. I didn't take a non-response as an insult. I cast a wide net and those who were inclined, were free to join in. No expectation. No disappointment. I lived my glory days via email. It was a good time.

Then ... came cell phones. I didn't have the ability to send or receive texts on my first phone. Nor did I want that feature. Cell phones are for emergencies or when you aren't near a landline. I didn't want people to have my cell number because I considered my phone a call-out-only convenience. If I wasn't home, I didn't want to be talking on the phone.

Well ... all of that has changed. When I finally updated my old cell phone, my new one came with a cell phone package that included texting. This was back in 2010. I was still new to texting and though it was a novelty and kind of fun to send and receive instant messages, I wasn't entirely sold on the idea as a way of life.

I don't know how it happened. But it has. The convenience of texting and receiving instant gratification more often than not, I ended up being "one of those people" who utilized their cell phone as a regular means of communication. Whether I was home or not. 

The expectation of receiving an immediate response has changed me. Much to my chagrin, I have started keeping score. I love that I have friends and family who are known for only reading and responding to messages when it is a good time for them. No slight intended. They have kept me grounded and saved me from myself. As much as I fall back into the "I wonder why I haven't heard back...", I can talk myself down. Perhaps my message wasn't received. No time to respond. Maybe they simply forgot to reply or hit the "Send" button after thinking they had responded (I've done this on more occasions than I can remember).

Long story short, I have talked myself into believing I may not even have friends in my old neighborhood who are all that interested in visiting with me when I'm out. Just how much of a friend have I been lately? I don't call. I don't write. I don't reach out. Would I want to be my friend? Maybe my wish for isolation was granted [be careful what you wish for].

I sat still with those thoughts until they had time to marinade a little. It was a good reminder for me to be more of the friend I want to be. So I started reaching out to those who I hoped to see. And they responded. They like me! They still like me!! Even after I took COVID restrictions to the max and isolated myself ever so much longer than necessary.

 I can go home again!! And I will ensure I do my best to keep that door open.

You Do Get What You Need

Two down, two to go. The day I stop counting down days until the weekend will be the day I know I have arrived to the elusive destination which feels far beyond my reach.

I realize when one dream is realized it often means the end of the line for another piece of life which has sustained a person until the next plateau.

To reach the point where weekends are not my life line and do not define me, will I be searching for purpose? Companionship? Financial security? What sacrifices will be made to get from "here" to "there"?

What will I lose along the way? What can I do to create the next place I am headed?

My answers lie in gratitude and connection.

I will appreciate what I have while I have it. Life as I know it is not ideal but it is manageable. I believe I must fill myself up with generous doses of sleep, solitude, fulfillment, family, friends and activity to offset the challenging aspects of my days. Balance is key. I cannot exist on work or leisure alone. It is simply that at this stage of living, I do not want my work to define me.

When I am dead and gone, I don't want people to say "She sure was a good worker". I hope instead, they will say some version of "She lived a good life" ... "She was a good friend" ... "She did her best and her best was enough" ... "I am grateful our paths crossed" ...

I am grateful for what I have. I know things could change in a New York minute. I look around me, listen to the people I know and I know I am living a charmed life.

Getting up is hard. But I CAN get up. I jump out of bed and head towards a day which is predictable, safe and provides me with exactly what I need. As I believe my sister was quoted as saying, "You don't always get what you want ... but you do get what you need."

Day of Gratitude

This is a most perfect day to sit back and be grateful. I am home after a most excellent period of focusing on family, friends, gatherings and outings. I am home.

Family. Ours is a special and unique blending of personalities who support, encourage, care, share and laugh together. 

I have just returned home from my uncle's 90th birthday and spent the weekend with Dad's brothers, their wives and a few cousins. I am so very grateful I was there. Memories were made, laughter is still ringing in my ears and it was simply a gift to be present and accounted for, to celebrate and acknowledge a most incredibly special man.

My siblings and I have recently had a "Sibling Weekend" together. I don't take this sibling relationship for granted and I am grateful we nurture it by continuing to make time to get together. The easy camaraderie we share is a gift. As we parted ways to return back to our lives in progress, we tossed ideas into the air about "next time" ...

My own little family has been busy leading their own lives, doing their own thing and making their way. We haven't gathered as a family unit for a few months but a tentative un-birthday party to acknowledge all the birthdays that passed by without acknowledgement is in the works. We are still in the process of creating our own piece of family history together but we are off to a good start. I am grateful.

Friends. My uncle's 90th birthday party has me reflecting on the value of good friends. I was at the door as his guests arrived and heard a brief synopsis of how he met and how long he has known some of his friends. Alumni from his university days; people he had worked with; students he befriended; his "Little Brother"; friends through his volunteer work; friends he met through his partner. The common denominator was that all of these friends had a history. It was not uncommon to hear "I've known Harold for 40 [or more] years" or some variation of that throughout the gathering. He is 90 years old and 38 of his close friends gathered to acknowledge the day and there are those who couldn't attend but will come another time. Amazing.

I am blessed with an arsenal of good friends. Lasting relationships take time and investment. Although I don't see my friends on a regular basis I know the friendships are real because when we do get together, it is like picking up from where we last left off. My take-away from the weekend past, is to pick up a pen, send an email or even make the odd phone call. Friendship is a two way street and nurturing the friendships one already has is a very good place to begin.

Health. Mobility. Aging gracefully. These are the little things one takes for granted when you wake up and hop out of bed with ease. This is huge. I am grateful for all of the above. As it is with relationships, one must nurture what one already has. Eating better and moving more are two steps I can take to maintain what I already have.

Peace of mind. I have heard so many people's stories that involve a loved one battling with some variety of mental health. It seems to reach out and touch everyone in some way or another. So many words ... so little to say. It is a hard life out there. To wake up in the morning and feel like one can take on the day is a blessing beyond comprehension. I am grateful.

It has been a busy time and the gremlin inside my head keeps nattering negative little thoughts which has created a bit of an inner battle to fully enjoy all the gifts I've been given. I have taken that negativity, thrown it into the light of day and waged a war with it. I do believe I have tamed the negative Nellie within and I truly believe it all begins with gratitude.

I just want to say "Thank you". Thank you thank you thank you for all I have been given. My job here on earth is to appreciate and nurture everything I already have. I can do that. 

I love this day of open gratitude. What are you grateful for today?

"Happy Thanksgiving to all!!"

All Over the Map

I've travelled so many miles today that I feel like I'm suffering from motion sickness. Honestly. And I have barely even left my computer desk...

I have been planning and scheming and trying to fit all the pieces for my October holiday into place. I foresee one of my most memorable holidays in the making and all I had to do was say "yes"!

Yes!! To attend a writing workshop with one of my best friends.

Yes!! To attending a 90th birthday party celebration with family.

It is all the ins and outs of each of these invitations has turned a simple yes into invitations for others to join .

Would you like to join us at a writing workshop? The answer - a resounding Yes!!

Shall we go to a dinner theatre and an invitation for another to join us? The answers - two more eager Yeses!!

I am hoping my third unasked (and perhaps unremarkable) invitation to a Sunday Brunch also results in an easy Yes!!

Would you like for me to check into some 2 bedroom BnB options? Another Yes!!

I could already picture Cousin Visiting Spots when my cousins said Yes!!, they could foresee the same thing.

Sometimes, a person simply needs to be invited.

Other times, a person needs others to take the lead which makes for an "easy yes" on the receiving end.

The yin and the yang of life. I am feeling the pull and the slack of life's ebbs and flows. All the ebbing and flowing have me feeling a tad sea sick.

It's time to look up and marvel at the way everything unfolds from here ...

Doing the Hard Things (the easy way)

A lot of invitations have been forthcoming recently. Each and every one of them have been "easy yeses". I'm going with the flow and the flow is taking me down a diverse and interesting path.

I'm shaking in my boots just a little bit as I type. I am a girl who loves uncommitted calendar pages and the pages are filling up fast. As I scan four months into my future, I foresee only six free weekends. The positive side to this scenario is that there are only three out-of-city events. I can do this. I CAN.

Some weekends revolve around preparations for painting (which are 95% complete and I do/have done very little, if any of it myself); staining the deck; one-day commitments; live theatre events; a writing workshop; a handful of family-filled-fun occasions, sprinkled generously with friends.

It is a very balanced itinerary. Work interspersed with fun, friendship, family and free time. You can see by the coincidental alliteration of all the "F" parts of the equation, the one part that is not like the others - "work". But work is essential to all that follows.

I have postponed my summer vacation in lieu of a fall one.

My summer vacation plans consisted of sitting still and staring at the house. Something I can work into those completely free days I can foresee in the upcoming months.

My fall vacation plans are new and interesting, mixed in with the known and familiar.

Balance. Life works best when everything falls into a good mixture of everything that sustains us. We need to work as much as we need to play. We (I) do best with enough down time to offset the busy time.

Health, happiness, family, friends, work and leisure. Hopefully this all ends with a balanced budget as well.

I'm waking up and doing hard things (making commitments) before I head into my days. It has been surprisingly easy. One step at a time. The months ahead are bound to be filled with new perspective, thoughts and ideas.

A Most Excellent Day!

After a few anxiety ridden moments this morning, a most excellent day unfolded before me like a perfectly choreographed dance routine.

Everything happened easily. One thing segued easily into the next. I had time to vacuum the house before I left the house this morning and discovered a leaking kitchen faucet in time to call in for help before the weekend officially began.

Visiting was fun, easy, laughter-filled and life affirming.

An unexpected bonus was the addition of one sister and brother-in-law. A last minute invitation worked out like it was meant to be. A sibling + a few uncles and an aunt + a few cousins + an in-law to add some new blood into the dynamic equalled "perfection".

Our departure for home was right on schedule and I arrived right on time to meet up with a friend from my long, forgotten past and two hours (and one very large coffee) passed in no time.

I have no idea how it happens but I have been fortunate to reconnect with people I have known from a few lifetimes ago (she said we haven't seen each other since elementary school) and we pick up from where we last left off (even though neither one of us have a firm idea where exactly that was). This has happened on numerous occasions and I am surprised each and every time.

I live a charmed life. I truly do. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! to whoever may be listening, sensing or be responsible for my good fortune.

One day down, three to go. Every day can't go as perfectly as this one but one is enough to carry me through whatever happens next.

A Super Soul Summer Lineup

The sun is shining, the cats are content, the roof is freshly shingled and I'm crossing the hard stuff off my eternal things-to-get-done list. Life is good.

My hard things are pretty easy. They are simply time consuming, take up space in my brain and weigh me down. Things like getting my hair cut, getting an oil change, picking up a prescription, coloring my hair, washing sheets and getting groceries. They are simple little tasks that are nice to have behind me before the weekend arrives.

It is Wednesday - a very good day to start tackling the pre-weekend errands. My ambition is being spurred on, due to the fact that my sister is arriving tomorrow so we can go to see Cher [insert great joy and excitement here]!

This Thursday night adventure came with the stress of asking for a day off each of my jobs. Which, once my requests were granted, quickly transformed into the anticipation of knowing I get one evening and one day off this week.

I am having a hard time pushing myself out of my comfort zone these days. I have notations and mental lists of invitations I should issue but I haven't acted on any of them.

"Family" is filling my need for company and spontaneity. There is little that makes me happier than my son showing up on our doorstep with nothing more than a cup of coffee and a visit on his agenda. It is a bonus when he offers up his handyman services but I am quite content with coffee and conversation.

My siblings will soon be busy with their summer schedules but this spring has brought several opportunities for us to get together. In fact, one of my sisters has staked claim on one of our beds and said, "Don't wash the sheets yet - I'll be back!". I told her she should have picked a better bed if it was going to be hers, but I simply smile and think of my thoughts of Mom and "her room" here. I have a feeling there may soon be a "Donna's room" in our midst. When my finances recover from our outdoor maintenance expenses, I must attempt to make her room/bed more comfortable.

I have a short hiatus of fun-filled activities after Cher's concert but I am quite looking forward to the next item on this summers highlight reel of events. A few free weekends, followed by some outdoor maintenance (soffit, fascia, eavestroughs and downspouts) will wind up with a date with Oprah within the month.

Oprah is an out-of-town excursion and dare I say that I am quite looking forward to this? Oprah and her "Super Soul" events is part of a visit with a sister-friend with whom I share a Super Soul kind of connection.

The weekend following that, is yet another easy to look forward to occasion. I have been invited to see Johnny Reid at an outdoor concert with another friend who I share a unique, Super Soul kinship.

An out-of-town live theatre is next on the itinerary. My son knows someone who is in the play and the town is mid-way between here and my sister's. So it is possible we may meet up again.

The summer will wind up with another live performance in my sister's fine city, where we hope the sisters shall gather and see Mamma Mia.

A tentative October gathering-of-the-siblings is an idea that is brewing. We got together last year, after the busyness of summer was behind us and before winter settled in. This was the first time all four of us gathered in Mom's home territory since her house was sold. We rented an AirBnB and simply enjoyed being together under one roof, as a family. Something we thought may never happen after Mom's house was gone.

My calendar is sprinkled with events and gathering with people with whom I share a special "Super Soul Connection".

As my evening with Cher is on the horizon, I am revelling in my summer line-up of events. I will not go on any grand holiday adventure this year but I am finding my joy right in my own back yard. Life is good!

Good Morning

These were the very first words I read this morning: "I just wanted to let you know how thankful I am for your friendship..."

Let me backtrack before I go forward with this thought.

I haven't been jumping out of bed these bright and early mornings. No good excuse. I believe I'm just being lazy with my gratitude.

I grabbed a notebook and wrote down my worries-of-the-moment and the inevitable outcomes of  what runs through my thoughts on a constant loop. No outcome is good except to keep following the course I'm on.

I'm grateful for everything that is weighing me down. I simply feel heavy under its weight. Thus? Mornings feel hard.

Fast forward to this morning.

I awoke to two bright and early text messages. Signs from the universe [okay, okay, it was just a cell phone connection] that someone in the world happened to be thinking of me as they stepped into their day.

It is such a small thing. "I'm thinking of you" kinds of messages are such an easy thing to do. One never quite knows what is happening on the other end of the greetings we send out to the world.

If you are thinking of someone, let them know. You never know what is weighing them down. Other times, you may know what another is facing and feel like nothing you can say or do is enough. You could reach out and stone cold silence may be the response you receive, but the moment I wrote those words, I think of the words I have heard on more than one occasion. "Thank you for not giving up on me" ... "Thank you for writing" ... "I found your message exactly when I needed to read it" ...

I write this and know I'm not following my own advice. Perhaps this is what is weighing me down the most. I know it is truly the smallest of things that make the biggest differences. Am I doing my fair share within this world of mine?

I'm doing what I can. We all are. We never quite know what our day will bring. This can be a good thing or not.

When the weight of the world feels as though it is sitting on my shoulders, I know I must look up and out of the moment I'm in. I need to look up. I need to find the blessings within any given situation. I'm my own worst enemy when my thoughts turn negative. I know this. What I do with this insight is up to me.

Sometimes we need to sit in the moment. Listen to the silence. Listen to the sound of our own heart. Literally. Figuratively. Be still. Be still and know...

The trouble is, I don't get much done in my stillness. Cat hair is amassing as I sit. Maybe I need to revise that advise. Get busy. Get busy and figure it out!

Good morning to you! May you get the encouraging sign you most need to find. Look for the signs. Sometimes they are hidden. But usually, if you look hard enough you can find what you need to see.

The Next Best Thing

My urge to run out to Mom's has been satisfied. I allowed my angsty feelings to overrule common sense and made some inquiries to see if I could follow my whims this weekend.

It turns out it was very possible. I'm here. Wrapped in the arms of family, friendship and familiarity. Those "3 F's" fill my soul. I'm glad I came.

The spontaneity of my actions have made this a very laid back visit. I was able to meet up with one friend and visit like we had all the time in the world. Our visit felt mutually life affirming.

Although this wasn't the plan, I feel like I have overtaken my brother's family this weekend. We have visited like we have rarely visited before. And it has been good.

The drive. Oh, the drive! I have missed it so. I love how my thoughts flow when I'm on the open road.

I had a lot on my mind. Being confined to my car for five solid hours, with no no other distractions other than driving on my mind, I had the chance to think my thoughts through and through.

At home, I lose myself in my habits of distraction. Scrolling, Netflixing, sleeping and eating are mind numbing. In the car, I have no where to go and nothing to distract me (Mother Nature did her job of keeping my eyes on the road as no sign of wild life or birds distracted me either).

Nothing has changed but my perspective. I have simply taken a step away from life as I know it and have given it a little distance. I have no idea if any answers will come to me on my five hour drive home or not. Sometimes the answer is not an answer but simply a fresh perspective.

I ran away this weekend. Now it is time to run back home. Back to my family, friends and the familiar place I like to call home.

I wasn't able to run out to Mom's this weekend, but this has been the next best thing. I think Mom would agree.

Home for Christmas (and loving every moment of it)

Life has been quiet. I have been on holidays for eight days and I haven't strayed far from home other than absolutely necessary. It has been ... perfect.

My life has evolved over the course of the past several years. From daycaring, to Momcaring, to the year which followed. A year of work, rest and a LOT of vacation time away from home.

I'm a homebody. I love home. I love quiet. I feel like I could envelope myself within this tiny little world and it would be enough. 

I keep beating myself up for not having the ambition I "should" have. Where has it gone? Will it return? When do I start "filling myself up" by achieving small goals and tending to everything within this oasis I call home?

These are the conversations with myself:

"The Year of Mom" took a toll. I came home to work, regroup, tend to what needed tending and then went back to Mom's. Rinse and repeat. Over and over. I did this until it didn't need to be done.

Then I rested.

"The Year After Mom" took its toll in its own way. Who was I if I wasn't looking out for Mom's best interests? Before and after her death, Mom was my priority. I could hear her words and remember her eyes as I mulled over conversations of the past. Mom accompanied me through that time long after she left our world. She was a force to be reckoned with. 

After I had done all I could do, I broke. I fell into a million tiny pieces and I had to put them together each and every morning to do what had to be done. I slept. I worked. I ate. Rinse and repeat. Over and over. I did this until it didn't need to be done any longer.

I started to become whole throughout the last part of the year. I woke up in one piece each morning and my feet didn't feel as heavy. I could do hard things and get through the days. I still lived for the weekend though. My definition of a perfect weekend is a weekend when I don't have to leave home. Home is where I most want to be. 

I vacationed. I didn't think I could. But I did it. I made plans. I followed through. I had fun while I was away from home and enjoyed every moment of the experience. But coming home was still the highlight. Home. There is no place like it!!

Then came "Christmas". Holidays without a plan. I have anticipated these holidays like no other. Time off work with no place to go, no expectations, no needs to be met. Christmas at home was the perfect gift at the end of this second Christmas without Mom.

I knew I should accomplish something with this time. I should paint. I should organize and cull the excess. I should write. I should, I should, I should ....

The "shoulds" started screaming at me. I heard little else until I shut them down. I would stay home. I would buy groceries. We would eat well throughout my time off. I would follow my whims and see where they took me.

They haven't taken me very far.

I have spent one day "Netflixing". I spent another day glued to an addictive "Word Wipe" game trying to beat my highest score. I have spent endless hours following the Internet path of where my curiousity takes me. I have done up a "preliminary 2018 income tax return" and know where I stand with my taxes. I read a book. 

I made turkey soup with Thanksgiving Day turkey broth. I boiled up Christmas Day turkey bones for soup broth at a later date. I have cooked a few meals. I have assembled easy-to-grab sandwich fixings for lunch. I made breakfast Christmas morning. I have supplied food for the season and it has been good.

I have talked with three friends. I have emailed a few relatives. I called my uncle Christmas morning. Even within this fortress of solitude, I have brought friends and family into my safe little bubble. All, while sitting here in my pj's. I have been having the time of my life.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. 

I'm a homebody. I love home. I love quiet. I feel like I could envelope myself within this tiny little world and it would be enough. 

I know enough to be careful what I wish for. What if "this" was all I could have? What if I didn't live in a world where invitations, interaction, work obligations, friends and family weren't at my fingertips? Would this be enough?

I know it wouldn't be. I know I have this incredible peace within me because I have a sense of purpose combined with strong, safe relationships with people outside of my tiny little bubble. 

My bubble wrapped little world. I'm not taking may risks here yet. I'll keep taking one forward step at a time. Peace and contentment first. The rest will follow ...

Invitations

I have frittered away a perfectly good Monday at home, going back in time. I have no idea what triggered my train of thought. But once I was on the track, there was no going back to the present.

For some reason, I started thinking of the potential for our high school to have a 40 year reunion this year. The one and only reunion I have attended was our 35th. It was uncomfortable and sort of icky for a while (until a glass of wine started to take hold), but the best part of that reunion was the junior high school friends I rediscovered as I perused the guest list for friends I hoped I would see.

None of those junior high friends attended the reunion but what happened instead, was a re-unioning of friendships from long ago as I discovered these people via whatever means I had at hand. Facebook messaging led to texting which eventually led to a brunch in one case. A Classmates.com connection resulted in a coffee date in another case. Private messaging conversations in a few others.

I had the idea that re-uniting these junior high school friends the night before any up and coming high school reunion would be a great idea. Each person I know from those days has kept in touch with a few more people from our school. If each friend invited their friends and so on and so forth, it could be an interesting gathering.

But I digress. There is no indication of a 40th reunion in sight. That could change (if I get an invitation in the mail any day soon, I will be convinced I am psychic) but for the moment, I simply thought "we don't need a reunion to keep in touch". So I sent out a few messages.

One friend asked me to pass along a "hello" to a mutual friend. That friend responded immediately with a reciprocating "hello" and a request to ask the first friend to send a "friend request". I felt like a matchmaker! I may have been the catalyst to reuniting some old friends.

This little mini-event made me feel like all things are possible. Maybe we can reunite some school friends after all.

And there went my morning.

My morning reignited a flame within me which has been snuffed out over the course of the past several years.

I have lost my spark, my energy, my drive, my hope and faith that all good things start with an invitation.

I lost the ability to simply say "yes" to life's invitations for a very long while. Recently, I rediscovered the ability to accept an invitation. With conditions, while maintaining boundaries and enabling myself to play it safe while starting to say "yes" to life.

More recently, I issued an invitation. People said "yes". The event came and went and the aftertaste of the day was a good one.

So I have reached out one more time.

It took time. It took courage. It took strength. But most importantly, hope and the faith that "whatever will be, will be" will come of this invitation.

It might work. It might not. There is something important in knowing I tried.

I am regaining not only courage and strength. I am starting to rekindle "faith" once again. I will not fret over what doesn't come to pass. I will celebrate the rebirth of my ability to invite people back into my life again.

Anything is possible, when you simply "ask". 

Thankful for Invitations

I was invited to a pre-Thanksgiving meal a week ago and before we ate our meal, our host asked each of us at the table what we were thankful for. "Invitations" came immediately to mind and stayed there. I didn't want to take the time to marinade that thought because I didn't want to miss hearing what the others were saying. When my turn came, I mumbled something to the effect of "Invitations ... like this one" and I added an unrelated thought and was grateful when the torch was passed to the person beside me. I said the word that was in my heart but I didn't add my heart to what I was saying.

I have been rejecting a lot of the world's invitations lately. I was struggling and it was getting harder and harder to find the energy to pull myself out of my safe place at home and into the world. Even when I was being invited into the warm arms of friendship. I was tired. So tired. I was broken and I didn't want light to shine upon who I was because I was so lost. Yet I kept receiving invitations.

Some invitations come out of the blue and all you have time to do is go. No time to think. You just pack up and leave. I had one of those invitations during my summer holidays and I went. I just followed the road and I was there. Exactly where I needed to be.

If I had been given time to wonder and think too long, I would have said, "I'll be there next week". In fact that is exactly what I had said mere hours before my "invitation" to drop everything and go immediately. I appreciate when life has other plans. When I'm busy overthinking something, gathering my resources and pumping myself up so I have the courage to walk out the door donning a mask of courage I don't feel, I often talk myself out of taking that very first step. It is ever so much easier when the invitation is immediate. Come. Now! When there is no time to think, I automatically do the right thing.

Some invitations are so hard to accept. "Would you like to join me and my family for a meal the day after tomorrow?" My initial response was "Do you remember the song from Sesame Street 'One of these things is not like the other. One of things just doesn't belong'? I don't feel like I belong."

But I belong to this wonderful club of "sister friends" who feel like family to me and the feeling is mutual. I believe I have been on a life long quest to collect sisters ever since my childhood. The sisters I longed for were grown up and married before I turned into a real life "sister" myself. My brother was five years younger than me so we didn't connect as a close brother/sister team until I moved out of the city. I've had family my whole life but I missed the connection that "The Waltons", "The Brady Bunch" and all the other TV programs of the 1970's depicted. I was lost but I was found all at the same time.

I have visions of my sisters "riding out on their white horses" at pivotal times throughout my life. Times when (as Glennon Doyle Melton describes as) I was being evicted out of the life I expected to be living and invited into a new (and better) one.

My sisters (those related by blood and those I have adopted along the way) have been there for me, with me and behind me during these times of great crisis invitations. We laughed when we wanted to cry. These life evictions bonded us, as each time we merge at a time of need or crisis we have forged a tighter bond. When you fear the very ground you are walking on is crumbling, it is good to have someone to hold onto. Times of crisis, times of celebration and no special time at all have all been invitations into each other's lives.

When life is comfortable and all appears well, there are often undercurrents of a quiet knowledge that things must change. I'm not good at making necessary change unless I receive a formal eviction. I seem to need the drama that comes with a forced eviction to make much needed change. My eviction notices have evolved into "handing in my notice" as the years have unfolded. It is so much harder to walk away from life as you know it when all seems well. Except when the deepest part of your knowing is telling you to let go. It is a little bit like that invitation you receive two months before the actual event. "So much can happen in two months!" races through my mind at those invitations. I'd so much rather just show up at the last minute.

My pre-Thanksgiving day invitation was a little bit like that. The fear monger which lives inside my head was so afraid to say "yes". I don't belong raced through my mind even though my friend assured me I was wrong. It was an honor to be invited into the arms of friendship and a family where blood ties didn't exist.

I've always shunned those "invitations" I have felt I have received because it was the right thing to do. The obligatory Mother's Day supper, invitations just because I'm my mother's daughter or it is the expected thing to do. This invitation came from a place of "I would like you to join us if you are free". No, but thank you was just as acceptable as yes, please! I was chosen.

We fall into some of our invitations and some invitations are well thought out. I appreciate all the invitations I receive. Sometimes I may not act on them as I should and that is when life conks me over the head with a 2 by 4 and knocks me silly (those seem to be the times my sisters show up out of the blue). I am grateful I haven't been knocked unconscious lately. I'm accepting and declining invitations with a clear head and an open mind.

I'm grateful life is always extending me an invitation to keep moving forward, out of my head and into the world. That is a lot to be grateful for.

P.S. Since I've been on the receiving end of so many invitations lately, I do believe it is time to get off the couch and start sending out my own invitations. I will start today.

An Incredible Kind of (Holi)Day

I guess all I really needed was "one day". I accomplished more in one day than I did, the nine days which preceded it.

What started as an innocent invitation to take a friend out for a birthday supper turned into cooking a meal at home so we could have a more relaxed visit. Add one additional friend and "that" was it. I would throw a ham in the oven, make scalloped potatoes and that would be that.

Except for one thing. I needed an onion. And while I was in the grocery store, I may as well stock up for the week. And while I was out anyway, I could finally fill the car with gas, And wash it. And renew my son's bus pass.

That was it. I would run a marathon of errands, come home, quickly assemble our supper and still have lots of time left over to fine tune the gift I had been working on for my friend.

Then the phone rang.

It was my second son asking if I wanted to meet for lunch. I hadn't left the house yet and not one item on my list of to-do-items had been scratched off. I felt like Mr. Incredible as he caught a crook, saved a cat and perhaps a few more heroic deeds en route to his wedding, telling himself all along the way, "I've still got time!"

Yes, I was Ms. Incredible all right! I met my son for lunch and enjoyed our visit like I had all the time in the world. In fact, I followed him through the parking lot to check out coffee tables and TVs afterwards. "I still had time!"

I ran all of my errands and got home in lots of time to create a supper, take out the garbage and assemble all that I needed to pull off serving a meal. But my harried thoughts turned to "I'm running out of time!!"

I didn't leave enough time to tweak the little project I was working on before I had to print it off, wrap it up and write up a card. I had just enough time to create a first draft without the little touches to make it "just right".

Fortunately (or unfortunately I suppose, depending on how you look at it), I didn't realize this until after my company left. I sat back and enjoyed a leisurely evening of feeding and entertaining guests. I'm a little rusty at entertaining but all went off pretty much as planned. I thoroughly enjoyed visiting from the comfort of my own home. I have fond memories of doing this with some sense of regularity at some time in my previous life. It was truly a "coming home" by "staying home" kind of moment.

My guests left, I tidied up the kitchen, turned on the dishwasher and started to go through the process of getting the house "daycare ready" for this morning. 

I retired to my room at the end of the day feeling pretty good about what I accomplished but more importantly, the company I kept throughout the day. I was getting lonely for human companionship.

Looking back, I guess I didn't really have time to accompany my son on  his first leg of furniture shopping but I don't regret the fact that I did it anyway. I can always fine tune my friend's gift and regift (a whole new definition of "regifting" here) it another day. 

I'm glad I took time for what was important. It was the company I kept that made my day. I'm grateful our meal was palatable and I'm quite excited to have leftovers to carry us through today. 

This house isn't sure what hit it this holiday season. From cooking a beef roast for Christmas, to the smell of "Christmas" in the air as I made turkey soup with Mom's leftovers, to a ham on our final leg of my holiday. There were some pretty good aromas wafting through the air here throughout the holidays.

Perhaps I took more quiet time than was necessary but I have a feeling that is what gave me the energy to feel like Ms. Incredible yesterday. I had energy to burn and it felt like I had all the time in the world to do everything I hoped to do with my final day of holidays.

It was a very good holiday. It was a mixture of doing all I wanted to do, all I hoped to do and all I needed to do. 

I think I'm ready to face this bright and shiny new year now. How about you? Did you fulfill your want/hope/need tank throughout the holiday? Or did you overdo? How are you facing this bright new year? 

I hope you did what you wanted, needed and hoped to do with any of the time off you may have had this holiday season. 

Happy January 4th. 

Reflections from Christmas Present

It is almost "all but a memory" now. Christmas Present will soon be Christmas Past and I can carry on living my happy little life in the moment. The place I most like to be.

My trip to see Mom couldn't have went much better.

It was summer-like driving conditions, in winter weather. No drifting snow, no ice, no worries. It was a very carefree and easy drive.

The visit was very much the same.

I thought my stay may feel too long without the added company of one or the other of my adult children along. But it felt like the perfect amount of time with an ideal amount of distractions.

Mom cooked a turkey meal and preparing for that filled in the cracks of the "day before". Preparing a meal doesn't even feel like work when you divide the job in two. She filled her table for six and commented that she had enough dinnerware for "two more". And I quietly thought of how much my family would have enjoyed sharing that meal.

The day after the big meal was spent hanging out at the mall. A light breakfast and a stroll down the mall just looking at things and buying nothing was a most leisurely way to pass the time. A few more stops were made before we took a coffee break on our way home. I'm not certain how many hours we passed out of the house but it felt like the perfect amount of time.

The exhaustion that seemed to wash over Mom in preparation for her big meal was replaced by an energy that seemed to come from a place of "a job well done". She gathered and fed her family a Christmas meal and her work was done.

I had the chance to see a few friends and we managed to pack in a day's worth of visiting into the hours we had at our disposal. These friends go back so many years and we share so much history. We have walked such parallel paths, we are kindred spirits and our friendship is one of the sisterhood variety.

No gifts were exchanged, other than the assortment of my "favorite things" I packed up in a plain, brown bag and gave to Mom. In reality, I didn't need that package at all. All I had to do was pick up what I noticed Mom needed and listen for cues as to what she wanted while I was there and that was truly my gift. She really, really doesn't like shopping. But I don't think she would mind a little grocery/household elf to survey her house at night and just fill it with what is lacking so she could find it when she needed it. I made an attempt to be that "elf" and it felt good. It felt right.

I made my way home and the long road to Mom's became shorter as I made my way back. Thoughts of my visit wafted in and out and through my mind. No one thought sat still. They moved and shifted and shifted like the landscape I drove past.

I returned home and all was well. I opened the door and our two cats were there to greet me and my youngest was hot on their tails. The cats did their "I didn't miss you!" but "Where in the world were you?!" and "I'm mad at you" but "I still love you" routine. They didn't need me. My youngest tended to all their physical and emotional needs in my absence. I'm just the person who buys the cat food and cat litter.

I am the little grocery/household elf in this house. I am appreciated as needs are quietly fulfilled, supplies are replenished and more often than not what we need is at our fingertips.

Our life and household runs pretty smoothly. So smoothly, I can walk away for a few days and these guys just pick up my slack and when I return, I just have to pick up where I last left off and carry on.

I have a very good life to come home to. I think of one of my sister-friends whose life is in a complete state of upheaval, renewal, loss, change and evolution as I sit here and write. I think of my other friend who described the scene in her home one short hour before we met for supper. I looked at her in amazement that she walked out the door like everything was perfect in her world. She just replied, "That's just a day in my life..."

I lead such a "bubble wrapped" existence. All is calm, all is bright, I am surrounded by people who value me, believe in me and support me when I'm down. I work for and with people who appreciate me. There is so much contentment within the core of my being. I have strong bonds with the people within my world.

I found myself reflecting on the relationships I was unable to sustain throughout my adult years and I am starting to see the common thread. At one time I gave myself away. I gave all I had until I was empty. When I was empty, the relationships died. These days I don't give myself away. I share what I have. I do my best to plant what has "gone to seed" in my life and hope those seeds can grow in someone else's garden.

I don't give until I am empty any more. I keep trying to keep myself nourished so I can continue to share what I have. My nourishment comes from a place of quiet.

I have one more day to push through and then I can nourish myself. And our cats. Perhaps my son will join us.

"Jet" (our young and "I'll take all you have to give" cat) just tried to jump up on my lap a few minutes ago. "Tomorrow", I said to him. Tomorrow, we will have a cat day. Tomorrow, we will fill up on all things light and easy and simple and just breathe in the same air. Tomorrow, I will be still. I will make turkey soup with the turkey bones Mom sent home with me. It will be a "Turkey Soup for the Soul" kind of day.

Take some time to nourish your soul today. I am stealing this time this morning when I should be working on something else. It all works out in the end. If I don't "feed myself" I have nothing to give. I am hopeful that by taking this time, the one project left undone will come together with ease when I return from my work day this afternoon.

One more hard day to go. Just one ...

The Wide Open Door of Friendship

A few weeks ago I made a public declaration that I wished for more "depth" within the conversations in my world. I felt I was living in a superficial world and I was depleted by having to try so hard to sustain a conversation. Mere days after that blog post, the depth I was looking for was everywhere.

I have been inundated with attention due to my birthday this past week which has spurred on a great deal of contact with those who touch my world. It has been a little bit incredible because the depth of the conversations and visits I have had has been a gift.

I have a few friends that I see once or twice a  year. We always part ways promising to get together more often but life happens and the next thing we know, we are celebrating one or the other or both of our birthdays with the hope of "doing this more often" during the (next) following year.

Each time we get together for that annual birthday supper, I quietly wonder "Are they just doing this to be polite?" "Have we drifted apart and out of each other's lives to hold a conversation?" Even friends I see more often than that get busy and I always fear the day when we may realize we don't connect on the same level that we once did.

Then it happens. We get together and share nourishment and "coffee" (or a coffee substitute) and the words flow effortlessly. The next thing I know, three or four hours have passed and it has felt like the blink of an eye.

These conversations are real and deep and two-sided. Each and every time I sat down with a friend, I heard myself monologuing and I knew it had to stop. Then before I knew it, it was my friend's turn to take the role of being front and centre within our conversation. It worked both ways. I could feel the act of being listened to and I know I was captivated as I listened to the other end of this conversation.

Our lives are so multifaceted and diverse that I found a parallel existence within each and every conversation I had. One of my friends has a son a year younger than me and each of them were going through a similar "crisis" or time of great challenge at the same time this past spring. And the very day we spoke, they had an almost identical out-of-school experience. My friend looked me in the eye and said, "How do you handle this?" "What are you going to do?" and I answered honestly and in real time. Because that very conversation awaited me the moment I got home. Even though our sons are practically the same age, this is her oldest son. This is my third and youngest son. I spoke from a place of making many errors along the way of parenting. The timing of our annual supper was eerily impeccable. There was no one else I would have rather been talking to that evening and the feeling felt reciprocated.

The stories and relate-able tales I have to tell are long and varied and specific to the friend who sat before me. Each one of us opened up and told our story honestly and without filter. Our conversations were filled with a sense of trusting the other guy with your whole self. There were no holds barred. We were real with each other and the conversations took off and became meaningful, deep and they made my knees shake.

I am absolutely blessed with friendships which transcend "Facebook" and virtual and superficiality. I may not see them often or talk like a wide open book each time our paths cross but I think we both know the door is always open.

I wished for it and it came. "If you open the door to friendship, they will walk through and enter." The key word is "open". No holds barred. Trust, honesty, vulnerability and openness are good ingredients to add to a conversation you want to go below the surface.

My friends, you are such a big part of me. Even in your absence, knowing our next conversation will pick up where we last left off is all I need. I hope you feel the same way.

Let Kindness Win Today

If anyone spoke to any one of my children the way I speak to myself, I think the mother bear in me would come out and I would wrestle them to the ground. I would make them apologize and promise never to speak that way to my children or anyone else like that ever again.

I have high expectations of myself. If my role is to take care of children, I "should" myself to death. I should be more attentive, more creative, more fun, cook better meals, do more and simply be more.

When I write, I compare myself to others who have honed the art of writing to a level I know I will never attain. I should edit myself more, be more attentive to my overuse of "that" and "..." and brackets and there are so many ways I should do better, write more and write outside of the tiny box I live in.

As a friend, I know I should initiate contact more. I used to email people on a semi regular basis. Why did I stop? I don't call, I don't write and I am pretty sure people aren't receiving my ESP messages. I should be more, do more, call more and just be a better friend.

I could go on all day about all that I am not but instead I shall reroute my story and tell you about yesterday. Yesterday was the most wonderful kind of day within our daycare world. As I lived it, I was continually beating myself up. My inner voices had two names "The Critic" and "My Kind Side"

The critic - "You should take these guys outside!"
My kind side - "But they are happy and content. Let them play."
Critic - "You should be paying more attention!"
Kindness - "They are okay. They do better when you aren't hovering over their every move."
Critic - "You should make them a better lunch!"
Kindness - "It is just one day. They love alphagetti and hot dogs! Make it easy on everyone today."
Critic - "Let the older ones play through quiet time!"
Kindness - "Everyone does better with a piece of quiet inserted into their day. They need it just as much as you do. YOU need it to be your best self for the remainder of the day..."
Critic - "You need to take these guys out to play in the 'forest'!"
Kindness - "You enjoy them enjoying their forest and nature and hills just as much as they do. Yes, take them to the 'forest' and savor the moments."
Critic - "Take more pictures! Their parents need to see what you are seeing!"
Kindness - "Watch them, listen to them, remember this. It doesn't last ..."
Critic - "We should have gotten home sooner! Parents are waiting for us!!"
Kindness - "Their parents are grateful we took time to go on a little adventure. They arrived early. You couldn't know."

This conversation ran through my mind all day. It was relentless. But "Kindness" won.

We went with the flow, kids were kids and we enjoyed "little moments" all day long. Lunch was a hit, stress levels were low, expectations were moderate, contentment was high.

Children playing, happy sounds, pleased parents created a memorable day in such a small way.

Let "Kindness" win today. Give yourself a break and (try to) silence your inner critic. The Critic has a job to do. It reminds us to keep striving to be the best we can be. Just don't let your critical side break you. Remind yourself "Kindness Wins" and just do your best. It is all we can ever do. Some days, your best is better than others.

Let yourself off the hook and talk kind to yourself today.

An Ordinary, Extraordinary Day

It seems to be a matter of feast of famine when it comes to my word supply lately. This morning I woke up with such a "feast", I had no idea where to begin.

A few notes-to-self reminded me of little things that came to the tip of my consciousness that I could write about when the word supply ran dry.

The sadness that has enveloped a piece of our world as a little two-year-old girl who was declared "missing" two days ago has been found. But she was not found alive. There has to be a background story that is not being told there. I don't want to know. I want this family's privacy to be protected. It hurts to think of what this community is going through .,,

In light of that, it feels wrong to write about the light and easiness which is my life.

I have it easy. I know that. The bumps in my road are only little speed bumps and there is a lot of smooth road in between.

Yesterday was smooth sailing.

I ended the day in the company of two very good friends. Friends I have known for twenty five years. Friends who knew me before I had a voice. Friends who were instrumental to me finding my voice. Now they laugh because they can't shut me up. Everyone should have a set of friends (or even just one good friend) who knows you through the good times, the sad, the growth spurts and dormancy.

I found an "epal" (it seems to be the best invention of a word to describe the "pen pal" kinship we stumbled upon) yesterday through my efforts to sell some skin and neck cream I bought on impulse to battle this "Do you qualify for the Senior's discount?" syndrome that has become my own.

It seems very strange and ominous to write such a paragraph. "You started writing to someone through a Kijiji ad?? Seller BEWARE!"

This lady belongs to the over 50 club with me and we were comparing notes on this thing called aging. She asked me why I was selling the product. This was my reply:

"I purchased this cream in the wee hours of a sleepless night, shortly after taking my mom out for Mother’s Day brunch. The waitress asked ME if I was 65 or older, to qualify for the senior’s special. I am 54 years old. I laughed at the time but it was still in the back of my mind that sleepless night while I was watching one of those paid infomercials on TV. I was just contemplating the idea that if it did work for me, I would be stuck paying at least $50/month to keep me stocked with enough cream to last “forever” when I received this 3 month shipment. And to top it off, shortly after THAT one of the clerks at Co-op asked me if I qualified for the “Senior discount”. Just to be sure, I asked how old you had to be to qualify. You guessed it. 65 years old. A month of using the cream and I was still getting asked if I was 11 years older than my actual age. So I phoned and cancelled my subscription. And the rest is for sale on Kijiji!!

Now you know my whole story!"

Funny how a too-much-information response like that strikes up a conversation among strangers. Her response to my answer had me laughing out loud as I sat in a quiet room all by myself at the end of a long day.

Allowing yourself to be open and honest with your words and generous with the little stories which are a small part of your life are like an open invitation.

I started my day by messaging a friend-I-don't-know to tell her how she inspired me. I lived my day and ended it on a different variation of the same way it began.

In between all of that was a daycare day that had its share of good, bad and everything-in-between moments. I received a call that has the potential to change my weekend plans in  the time it takes to make a phone call and see if an appointment can be booked. I spent the evening with friends and ended my day with a smile.

Life just doesn't get any better than that, does it?