Holding Memories

Memories ...

We collect them over the course of our lives

It is a gift when we can recall these moments on demand

Especially when we are reminded these moments are precious and dear,

With a limited time warranty.

A friend who was near and dear to my heart is gone

I don't know the end of her story

We had drifted apart after her last move

Distance has never stopped me before

I'm disappointed I let this time be different.

She was beyond special

Perhaps a little too precious for this world of ours.

Anyone who knew her spoke highly of her

She was an angel unaware

Beautiful inside and out

A gentle and tender spirit who walked among us.

She lived and breathed and experienced life with a sense of "aaah"

Walking beside her and seeing the world through her eyes

Made ordinary moments extraordinary.

We worked together

We remained friends despite job changes, moves and life transformations.

We were two of a small group of friends who cherished any time we could get together

Our friendships were celebrated and honored

We amassed a treasure trove of memories - written and remembered

We spoke the words out loud.

The door is always open

No pressure

Whenever you can make it is the perfect time

No expiry dates

No expectations

Simple friendship that was anything but simple

Memories I am grateful to recall in pictures, movies, notes and letters over the course of time.

Memories to have and to hold.

Encouraging Words

I've been thinking of backing down from this "writing out loud" gig for a little while. Again.

Each and every time I have to submit articles for the publications I write for, there is this whiny, nagging and just a little bit witchy (maybe replace the "w" with a "b" and it is a better descriptive word) voice inside my head that says "Just who do you think you are??!"

Then one  morning, I will roll over and wake up with a renewed state of confidence  and fire off my words and buff my nails against my chest and after reading something I have written, I will think "That was good. That was really good."

The morning after that one, I reread those very same articles and realize I was just a little delusional to think my writing was anything more than mediocre honesty, at best.

Then I carry on with living my merry little life and just write about things that really don't matter. Sometimes, little things come to the surface as I make my way through my quiet, predictable life I lead and I think I make a good point now and again. Certainly not always.

This week has been a little bit of a "Who in the world do you think you are???" kind of week. But I just keep on writing. A little here and there and sometimes not at all. 

Then, two days in a row, I received a little feedback on some words I put out into this great big world. People I have never met gave me the gift of telling me how they integrated some of my little metaphors-for-living into their own universe. They told me a little piece of their story and how it fit into what I wrote.

Wow.

I write an awful lot of nonsense. This I know. Some days I will start out writing about one thing and then get derailed before I get back to my point. My fingers have a mind of their own and if I don't censor them, sometimes they have something more important to say than the rational side of my brain is trying to write. 

It was one such day, when I thought "Why in the world am I writing this?", that evoked a comment from a friend I have not yet met in person (we have been penpals for twenty years - I wrote a little about our friendship at a distance here).

It was the part of my tale where I let myself get sidetracked from the moral of my story that spoke to her. 

The day after my penpal friend wrote such encouraging and touching words, I received an email from an editor who has become a "virtual friend" who quoted my words and cited an example of how they applied to life as she knew it.

This week has been sprinkled with encouragement. Family and friends have written &/or called just when I needed it the most. 

My cousin called me yesterday and told me of the reaction my uncle had as he "lapped up" the last letter I wrote to him. She asked me if I remembered what I had written (I didn't). She told me I had said something to the effect of "feeling like I was sitting down and having a cup of coffee with him"and this was a part of the letter he shared with her. She asked him, "What would you think of sitting down and having that cup of coffee with her?" He replied, "I think that would be great!" Little did he know that my mom and I are planning on being there, sipping on a cup of java with him in less than four weeks from now.

Simply hearing my cousin describe the way my uncle felt as he touched and read my letter was such a gift. I can't remember what I wrote about. I just put pen to paper and let the words tumble onto the page. They seem to be words that touched a chord with him. 

I think I could have written anything. Sometimes it is the mere act of seeing a person's handwriting that brings them right into your world and touches you. 

Some people write. Some people call. Some people act in giving ways. 

If you feel you have something to say to someone, please say it. Write it. Communicate it in whatever form that feels most comfortable to you. What you are holding onto is a gift. Share it with the one who has inspired you.

I feel like I've been touched by angels this week. Simple words have come to me from so very many different directions. Each set of them have been a gift.

Thank you, Universe! You have been incredibly generous!! I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

Sprinkle kindness generously throughout your day. If someone touches you in some way, let them know it. You will never know the difference a few simple words can make to someone who is having "a day" that they aren't wearing on their face. 

A little kindness goes a long way.

The Yin and the Yang of Life

Life has a way of giving back, everything we give. With interest.

I have read that if you give, with a giving heart, without expecting anything in return, 'this' is what happens.

It happens in small ways each and every day. A brief exchange with a cashier in a store or someone who you pass on the street. Whether it is a cheerful wave and a smile or a few words. When given freely, it comes right back to you.

I have a neighbor that has eyes that twinkle with his smile and he remembers my name. As we cross paths often on these streets of ours, he has often turned my day around with his effervescent smile and cheery greeting.

I remember those who are strangers to me, who have gifted me with a compliment out of the blue. Or simply said something to me that lifted me out of a blue moment and into the present.

I see it in my little daycare family. Those moments of pure joy when they smile from their heart and I reflect that back to them (or vice versa).

It happens in little ways and in big ways.

When I am feeling positive and chasing my dreams I think I give off a little bit of that 'effervescent glow' myself. I can feel it in my heart. I can see it in the reflection of the eyes of those I talk with.

When I am doing that-which-I-was-meant-to-do in my life, I am full of life and I feel good about the path I am on, I feel like I am giving a little bit of 'something' into this big, scary world.

While I am on that path, I can feel the comfort, joy and companionship of those who join me for my ride. This ride is most joyful when it is balanced with me finding the other person's truest self and listening just as much as I am talking.

There is a yin and a yang to the giving and receiving.

Sometimes a person is in a place where they simply need to absorb, listen and receive. Other times, they may need to spill their heart and empty it of that which is weighing them down. It is wonderful when that evolves into a spot where that person is finding their true north and starting to find a path that feels good, safe and comfortable.

Feeling 'safe' is necessary. I need my safety nets. They used to be financial ones. Now? My feeling of safety and security comes from family and friends who I trust with my heart and my soul.

I have dreamed big dreams and chased a few. In the sidelines, I can hear the voices of those who cheered me on.

Have I given back, that which I have received? That question sits within my subconscious mind and constantly beckons to me.

I live out loud. I write about it. I open myself up and let people see what makes me 'tick'. And ... rather than feeling frightened and vulnerable when I do so, I find people opening up and trusting me in return.

The give, the take. The yin, the yang. The ups and the downs. Life is a bumpy ride and it is hard to sit back and enjoy it when you are hanging on for your life.

I am in a very good place at the moment. I feel like the past six(ish) years, I have been a roller coaster car, fighting to get to the top of a steep incline. But rather than holding on for dear life, as I crash to the bottom, I have found a little oasis up here at the 'top of this mountain', that is filled with wonder. Little hills and valleys and nooks and crannies to explore at my leisure.

This post got so sidetracked I forgot where I began.

I was inspired by a little daycare incident where I offered my parents financial compensation for some days that I took off (which were not a part of my regularly scheduled holidays). I wrote this in our newsletter that I just distributed and wondered "How can I afford to do this?". I did it anyway because it was simply the right thing to do.

This is the reason I started to write this post.

I did the 'right' thing and offered a refund to my daycare parents. And yesterday? One of my previous daycare families returned to me. This little girl is in kindergarten and only needs to come every other day. But her return will more than compensate for that-which-I-thought-I-could-not-afford.

Little things.

They happen every day. We just have to keep our mind and eyes open and it is amazing what morsels of goodness we can find within even the worst of days...

Life Hands Us What We Need...

How is it that life 'hands us what we need when we need it most'?

Does 'life' really happen that way or are small gifts placed before us each and every day? But when we are blindsided by all that is going on within our world, we simply cannot see outside of our own head at times?

Life continues to astound and amaze me. It is all in the little things.

Yesterday I took my daycare family out to a park to play. There was another daycare provider with her little 'family' of her own already there when we arrived.

We started talking immediately. We are from (about) the same generation so she immediately related with me as a 'grandma' kind of daycare provider. We spoke the same language from the start.

She has been in the daycare business for thirty five years and is starting to burn out a bit.

I felt that way when I walked away from my daycare five years ago but 'life' provided a little perspective for me so I could come at it with new life.

I still feel overwhelmed and question if I am the right person for this job. Daily. Sometimes more. But at the end of each day, I am grateful for this life I have created for myself and I know it is where I am most meant to be right now.

The kids provide me with inspiration and laughter when I need it the most. I love it when I hear my words turned back on me and they sound 'okay'.

Two days ago, I was so frustrated and I just need the day to be over. Then two days ago, this happened:

Apparently these guys are listening to me.

Whenever someone is crying or pouting or simply cranky, I tell them to go into the playroom and come out when they are happy. If they are crying for no real reason, I escort them to the playroom and tell them to come out when they are happy. When they wake up from their nap, they must be 'happy' before they can get up. "Happy" is our theme song around here and we dance to it often.

Anyway ...

Yesterday, I was feeling kind of grouchy and was quite likely pouting.

My little three-year-old looked at me and said, "Colleen, are you happy?" That simple statement turned my day around. I think my little girl was quietly suggesting I go into the 'time out' area until I came out happy!

Thanks! I needed that.

I told this little story to my 'new friend' at the park. She laughed out loud and told me I had made her day. 

I felt like I had been placed into this lady's life at just the right moment. I know I am overwhelmed with kid-talk and craving adult-conversation these days. I needed to talk to someone who was 'walking my walk' and understood where I was coming from. 

I believe we brought each other 'up' and our days were better because of it.

We have been going to all of the parks in and around our neighborhood all summer. I have not run into another 'daycare family' until yesterday. 

I really, really needed a lift and this encounter boosted me up and carried me through the day. I watched how she was with her kids and I aspired to be 'more' of who I want to be. Something tells me she received a little of what she gave, in return.

We exchanged names and phone numbers and hope to meet up again. Our children's ages correlate very nicely and I think some interaction with other kids would be good for each of our daycare charges. Adult interaction with someone who 'speaks my language' is a very welcome bonus. 

We seem to treat 'our kids' and 'our responsibilities' very similarly. We are a ten minute walk away from each other. 

I felt like I opened my eyes yesterday and 'there' she was.

The really weird (eerie-weird) part is, when we left the park we didn't part ways immediately. Our walk home was a parallel one for a short spell.

One minute, I looked behind us and my 'angel unaware' and her family-of-three was right behind us. The next minute, I looked again. They had vanished into thin air.

I asked my little three-year-old "Did you see those kids and that lady ... or did I just imagine them?" She confirmed my sanity, as she started to talk about this little 'daycare family' so I believe what I saw was real.

But it was such divine timing. A conversation with someone who I felt like I had known for years transpired when I needed it the most. It was almost surreal. Compounded by the fact they seemed to leave our day as quickly as they entered it.

I may have to call this lady - just to reassure myself and confirm that I did not make up this whole scenario.

Sometimes, the little things in life just seem too good to be true. 

A Special Angel

On December 13, 2009 I wrote the words "Last night, I spent an evening with two of my earthly angels ..."

I reflected on 'my favorite story of the year' being one of hearing how an angel unaware touched the life of another. A brief exchange made such an effect, that small act of kindness was remembered and recounted decades later.

Last night I went back into the archives of this blog to find the words unconsciously came to my fingertips as I wrote about a man who unknowingly touched my life and made a profound difference.

His niece is a dear friend of mine and she has talked of 'the story beyond the story' that I know (I helped this family assemble their family memories so I had the honor and privilege to hear their stories first hand, from those that lived the memories).

Her uncle is a kind and gentle man. He opened up his heart and told stories that touched me. I related to his highly sensitive sensitivity gene and I felt that our lives were meant to collide.

Anita Moorjani's words came to mind ~ "The Universe is like a beautiful tapestry and we are all threads in that tapestry. We can't see each individual thread but together it creates a work of beauty. Our lives are our own little tapestry that is part of the One, the Universe."

Sometimes we struggle to know if we have made a difference ... what imprint have we have made on this earth we will one day leave behind. As I heard my friend speak of her uncle's need to know that his life made a difference, I could not help but think of the thread that is 'him' that is woven into my life so very intricately. The individual thread that is his life is woven into the tapestry all of the lives he has touched.

As I continued to search my blog for stories that I wrote about 'angels unaware', I found these words that I wrote in August, 2012. Long before I heard Anita Moorjani speak of this exact same phenomenon:

When little coincidences bring me together with someone that my dad could be 'co-existing' with in a world that is not my own ... I often wonder if he could be watching over me and guiding me to a place I need to be. When I end up in a place where someone else's parent could be watching over them in the same manner ... I wonder. Are these little miracles are bigger than they appear?

When you feel an overwhelming urge to reach out to someone ... do it. You never know, you may have an angel on your shoulder guiding you to exactly where you need to be. For yourself and for the other party ...

I picked up the phone yesterday morning and that conversation led me to 'exactly where I needed to be' last night.

I visited my friend as she visited with her uncle (my own personal Angel Unaware) last night. I woke up this morning knowing that I had to acknowledge this most special evening and write of the man that will never fully understand the impact he has made in my life.

Last night, I spent an evening with two of my earthly angels ...

The Fence Project (so close to 'The End')

Our Fence Project has been riddled with delays, excuses, poor workmanship, anxiety and expense that I could not afford from the onset. 

All that I knew for sure, is that I could ill afford to lose my deposit and still have the same old fence. That was ... until I stood to lose all of my deposit and have NO fence. That came very close to becoming my reality.

One week ago:

Thanks to my Knight in Shining Armor and his Associates (I will simply call them all Super Heroes to give credit where credit is due), I have come out the other end of all of this unscathed and more than a little bit grateful.

Today ... 

Everything unfolded so fast that I didn't see it coming until I was knee deep in it. I didn't even realize how much help I needed until I had already been rescued.

One week ago:

Thanks to many, many people who saw the injustice of a company claiming to be professionals, walking off the job and itemizing the reason to withhold the entire deposit, My Son did not work alone all weekend to create this masterpiece:

 

An army of 'angels' walked together this weekend and helped me out before I realized just how much I needed assistance. 

Thankfully the fencing company realized the error of their ways and have offered to repay most of my deposit. 

Thank you does not even begin to cover my gratitude. 

"Everything worked out in the end ..."

Touched by a Memory

I had a crush on a boy when I was in my early teens. I had several small crushes throughout my elementary years but for some reason this crush mattered just a little bit more than the others. I don't know why ...

I didn't speak to boys in those days. Honestly? I don't really think that I learned how to speak to those of the opposite sex comfortably until I was nearing 30 years old. So I would imagine that I would be about as memorable as a gnat to those in my class. Especially boys.

This particular crush had a memorable moment.

I was in gym class. Somehow in some way, I got knocked over and fell to the floor. I quickly picked myself up and (knowing the me that I was back then) the only injury would have been having my invisibility cover blown. If anything at all, I was probably embarrassed.

Then ... the boy-I-had-the-crush-on, came up from behind me, put his hand on my shoulder and asked me if I was okay. He touched my shoulder! He talked to me!! Me!!!

I was over the moon. I remembered that moment for ... forever. Heavens! Even right this moment, I remember that touch.

One other moment stands out in my mind like that.

I was 27 years old and I was sitting helplessly in my car, watching my 'ex' toss my belongings out of our second story window. I was powerless. But I was not alone.

My brother came up to the car and touched my hand. No words were spoken. But it was a touch that was spoke volumes. It was powerful in much the same way as my teenage moment when the-boy-I-had-a-crush-on touched my shoulder.

Fast forward to this past weekend. Thoughts of my high school's 35 year reunion had me reminiscing and I found my way to Classmates.com.

I signed up and checked out the names that were familiar to me. I found the name of boy-I-had-the-crush-on.

I read his story. It is of a 'Prince-Charming-married-his-Princess-and-lived-happily-ever-after-variety'. That is nice. I like happily ever afters.

Then. Monday morning, I received a message from Classmates.com, that two people had "stopped by and signed my guestbook".

I would have shown up in his guestbook the day prior. It is not an unexpected thing that anyone who is curious may have checked in on anyone who 'signed their guestbook'. Even if they had no idea who that person was.

But ... the moment I saw the name-of-the-boy-I-adored-in-junior-high-school in my guestbook, I was a young teenage girl once again.

It felt like someone touched my shoulder and asked me if I was okay all over again.

I lead a charmed life. Moments where I feel 'angels on my shoulder' in such a wide variety of ways ...

Above and Beyond

If working out of my home taught me one thing, it is to appreciate when an employee has the time, knowledge and desire to go above and above the call of duty. Yesterday was a perfect example of two such people (and an employer that allowed the opportunity).

My Youngest left his backpack on the bus after school. He realized his error a minute too late. The bus was gone and so was his backpack ...

I got on the phone the minute he told me and found the phone number I needed to call. I was tending to my Daycare Family at the time. Finishing and cleaning up after snack time, chasing the kids out of where-they-were-not-supposed-to-be and changing diapers.

Meanwhile the phone rang and rang and rang. It didn't get forwarded to a voice mail. I didn't have to press a million different numbers into the phone to direct me to the right department. The phone simply ... rang. If I hadn't been so distracted by my other responsibilities at the time, I am almost certain that I would have given up. So I was happily surprised that when the phone did stop ringing, it was a real, live person on the other end of the phone!

Not only did I have the luxury of talking to a person, he actually took the time to track down the bus that my son had been on, contact the driver and discover that indeed, there was a backpack somewhat similar to the one we described on said bus. The bus driver said that (if he had time) he would drop off the backpack at the main depot's lost and found at 5:15. The office closed at 5:30. My daycare charges are supposedly picked up by 5:00 (but it is often later). It was going to be tight. But if all the stars aligned, we could make it to the downtown depot before it closed.

It was a miracle. We were out of the house within a time frame that (on a normal day) may allow us to make it to the depot in time. But it was rush hour. We were fighting downtown traffic. It was the city's first snowfall of the year. I thought that it was worth trying ... but I would not have been surprised if we missed the deadline.

Thankfully, we arrived with five minutes to spare. Unfortunately the backpack wasn't there. But ... we ran into yet another helpful employee. She tracked down the same bus. The bus driver that had originally found the backpack had to transfer buses and was running behind so he didn't have time to drop off the backpack at the depot. But the new driver had the backpack on the bus. Our helpful employee arranged a suitable time and bus stop for us to meet up with this bus and finally be reunited with our backpack.

Once again, we were racing against the clock. We had twenty minutes to get to the prearranged bus stop. One car accident or traffic back-up would have fouled up our plans. Once again, the stars aligned and we arrived at the prearranged destination with five minutes to spare.

While we waited, we could only hope that the backpack in question was my son's. The bus driver described it as black and blue. My son's backpack was black and grey, with a black and blue binder inside of it. We crossed our fingers and hoped that the backpack was my son's ... and it was.

A quick cursory check found everything my son left behind (except perhaps $1.50). His wallet, his bus pass, his school ID, the house key, all books and relevant school supplies. We were beyond relieved ...

At every step along the way, I fully expected to be met with a cool, aloof employee telling us, "Sorry, but you will have to call back tomorrow. All lost and found articles are turned in at the end of the day." But we didn't!! We found employee after employee that instead said, "Let me see what I can find out for you ..."

They all stand out in my mind. But our helpful downtown employee (five minutes before closing time) said it best. She used the phrase to me when I described our plight. I heard her say it once again when she was talking with the bus driver. She said, "I hear you". And she did.

Thanks for listening! You guys saved our day!!

Follow Through

When you think you should do something ... follow through and do it.

I cannot think of a time when following through on a whim to call, write, email or drop in on someone didn't end with the comment, "I'm so glad you called".

Just the other day, I called my cousin to see if he was up to some company. I sensed the hesitation in his voice before he replied, "Yes, sure ... come on by" so I backtracked and said we could do this another time ... but he insisted. So I did.

I wouldn't have had the courage to pick up the phone and call him, had his sister not encouraged me to do so last weekend. I always worry when a friendship feels lop-sided and one person is calling or suggesting to get together more than the other. So I usually back off for a while and see how things play out. All I needed was a little nudge and I felt that it was okay to tip the balance just a little.

Each of us had had one of those days where you are uncertain if you are going to be good company. Each of us spilled a little of the contents of our minds on the table. Each of us felt better for releasing some of our thoughts into words and bouncing them off of another person. At the end of our visit, I think both of us were grateful for the opportunity to talk with each other.

I called my cousin on the day I felt 'lost' and didn't know which way to turn. I quite literally thought that no one was strong enough to carry me through the moment that I was in. When I drove off to no where in particular, I ended up driving right past his house when my car finally turned around and headed in a direction that was homeward bound. I was parked by his house when I called him. When I didn't know where or who to turn to ... my cousin came to mind.

Our dads are brothers. His dad died in 1980. My dad died in 1987. When little coincidences bring me together with someone that my dad could be 'co-existing' with in a world that is not my own ... I often wonder if he could be watching over me and guiding me to a place I need to be. When I end up in a place where someone else's parent could be watching over them in the same manner ... I wonder. Are these little miracles are bigger than they appear?

When you feel an overwhelming urge to reach out to someone ... do it. You never know, you may have an angel on your shoulder guiding you to exactly where you need to be. For yourself and for the other party ...