Life Gets in the Way

I am sitting in a dark room, with a cup of coffee and a closed door in an attempt to tune out life's distractions (cats). I am curious to know what I would write if I lived in a vacuum. 

What would it feel like to be removed from distraction? No buzz of an internet, cell phone or TV signal. No deadlines biting at my heels, no cat hair stuck to those very heels, no bank book to balance. No responsibility to tend to the needs of others.

The past weekend was filled with everything I love. A bonus day off. Time at my little oasis away from home. Time spent with immediate and extended family. Time alone. 

But I was still connected.

A phone call that was necessary to take, in order to set up an appointment for Monday morning broke the spell. I woke up to this week with responsibilities pulling dragging me out of bed and out the door. A fog warning and yet another "check engine" light were not enough to stand in the way of what needed to be done.

A looming deadline should have me working at warp speed so I don't have to work through the weekend. But it's not. Distractions. Some real, most self induced. 

Real - the need to make (yet another!) bank appointment; make arrangements to pick up a cheque; paperwork to be completed for my bosses' boss; follow up on invoices I've been promised but not yet received; phone call reminders to nudge others into action. I have paper piles of things-to-be-done for others that I can't do on my own. The daily and weekly work must be tended. Then there is that looming deadline ...

Important - tending to the "check engine light", which seems to have finally broken the domino effect of a repair made a week prior; a phone call I have been wanting to make for the past week, which requires follow-up action; tending to the showerhead that is so clogged we are showering under a trickle of water; washing and taming my hair (again) ...

Never-ending - need I say "cat hair"?; cat litter; making lunch so I'm ready to run out the door to my other job; the need to replenish gas, milk and groceries; vacuuming and house cleaning tidying in general.

Self induced - oh, there are so many things in this category! Listening to my favorite podcast (We Can Do Hard Things); word and number puzzles; checking the status of my personal financial state of affairs; watch the backlog of recorded TV programs; Instagram check-ins; check email; testing the new cat-hair-removal gizmo I just bought (yes, it gathers the cat hair but the hair wafts into the air and lands on the freshly cleaned area which simply perpetuates the need to vacuum).

My thoughts are pinging around in my head like a ball in a pinball arcade game. Concerns over family members near and far. Frustrations over that which is out of my control...

That which is out of my control.

Those are the words that hit home the hardest. What do I have the power to do? Have I done it? "Do what can be done, then let it go" has been a long standing motto of mine. Perhaps the reason I can't let go is because I have not yet done what is within my control. 

Do what can be done, then let it go.

Good Morning! How are you??

I cannot seem to commit to daily writing these days. I'm not certain why. Not an overload of words lately. That is all.

And how are YOU?

How are you managing life-as-you-know-it these days? Days leading up into the season of festivities. Days where no matter what is going on in the world around us, we are still walking through our day to day lives making daily decisions as necessitated. Working. Living. Cleaning. Relating. Managing. 

I only peek at the news lately. The big news is too much to take in. All it does is provide me one more excuse to put off for another day, what I should have done a few years ago.

Does it really matter in the whole scheme of things?

I default to attempting to forecast my financial future and wonder about the stability of my income. It is all so very uncertain and daunting when I look beyond where I am at and look ahead too far. As much as I plan, life unfolds in its own way and in its own time. 

"Trust the pause" is my personal motto. When where I am isn't where I hope to be forever, I become impatient. The pause is there for a purpose. Use it.

I have retreated from life. COVID was my excuse and continues to be my best alibi for living small. My daughter has COVID, so I have happily accepted all the consequences that have come from that. When I know I will be in contact with people, I take another test (still coming up negative), I wear a mask and keep as wide a distance from myself and others as possible. 

Recently, I was walking through the grocery store - masked and distanced. I didn't make eye contact with people. I felt (and wanted to be) invisible. Until I met a person in the aisle and each of us kept moving out of the other's way and continued to be in each other's way for about four side steps. I finally said, "I'll just stay still so you can get around me". It was only in the aftermath of the encounter that I wondered if it was my cousin's voice that I heard as I kept my eyes averted and pretended to be invisible.

I have become so small, I feel like a speck within this universe. In reality, we are just specks in the whole scheme of things. In my most content years, I felt vital and alive within the little circle of friends and family who were my universe. Feeling like a speck is a symptom I have retreated too far within myself.

It is all within my power.

To work like my job has no end. To live healthfully as if I'm going to live to 100. To clean as if company may drop by unexpectedly. To reach out to people to refresh connections that matter so much. To structure my days in a matter where I am not simply managing ... but actually living my life.

I listened to Jane Fonda speak recently. At age 85, she is living a purposeful life and aspires to do everything within her power to leave this world in a better place than it's headed for her grandchildren. She spoke of doing a life review around the age of sixty and rebuilt her life-after-marriage at age 62. My age.

We are nearing the third year anniversary of a global pandemic which shut down and isolated the world. Three years. And I've never craved solitude more than I do right now. 

Curious and curiouser. Perhaps it is time to do a life review. Come out the other side of that and rebuild. Again. Maybe that is what "this" is all about.

And how about you? How are you managing these days? How are you feeling? Are you still dreaming of a future you are anticipating? Are you okay?

The more quiet I get, the more I wonder about others. Please take care out there. Reach out when you can. Let's rebuild our worlds. Again.

Four Days

I woke up to my fourth and final day of solitary confinement at home. I was up before the sun this morning, so I didn't lose a minute of my last day at home.

Four days. Here are the stats:

• Two days of work, totalling 12 working hours
• One home cooked meal (okay, I turned on the BBQ, charred three hamburgers and four hot dogs which meant I didn't have to share this food fest and my BBQ'd meal lasted all weekend)
• Two outbound text messages
• One, three hour long phone visit with a friend
• One entire day on the couch, watching TV
• One hour long walk (the only time I have stepped off the property)
• One work-related drop by delivery
• One pizza delivery 

Friday was my son's first day back at University. I was home. Alone. The phone rang once. I didn't have to leave the house. It was an absolutely awesome day.

Saturday was a highly verbal day. My telephone conversation with a friend was the next best thing to "being there". We shared laughter, tears and easy conversation that goes hand in hand by knowing someone who has been there through every bump and turn of "life", the past forty four years. This was followed with a highly interactive day of working from home. Lots of phone calls, conferring and putting our heads together.

Sunday, I felt absolutely wordless. I walked with a friend near the day's end but I listened more than I spoke and did not have it in me to prolong the walk with a cup of coffee at the end. I returned from my walk at the same time I normally return home during my work week. I came home, climbed into my pajamas and called it a night.

Which leads me to Monday. Today. A day I plan to spend immersed in photographs and memories. One box is mine; the other box came from Mom's.

It's been three years without Mom. Three years and I still have not unpacked all the mementos I brought home with me. It just dawned on me this morning that perhaps the reason these boxes never got unpacked is due to my duties as an executor. I was buried in numbers instead of memories. It is time. I am ready, revitalized and raring to go.

These four days at home have been just what I needed, when I needed it the most. 

The Months of "No"

Shonda Rhimes' book "Year of Yes" was an inspiration to me. Her book was a testament to her year of "Yes" and the impact accepting life's invitations had on her life. 

I have tried the "Yes" way of life. It is fine. It has led me to places I would have never been before. It is both exhilarating and exhausting. It is hard. It is expensive. It goes against my naturally inherent introvert tendencies. The word "yes" depletes me as much as it enriches my life at times.

I have come to like the "easy yeses" instead.

I tried to come up with a list of "easy yeses" and my thought well ran dry. "Yes" does not come easy to me right now. I have been reveling in the COVID months of "No".

"No thank you" is my favorite go-to-response at the moment. 

As our world is gradually reopening there is a huge part of me that is screaming, "I'M NOT READY YET!!"

When I quizzed someone of the protocol about going out of province or whether having out of province guests would interfere with the ability to enter a retirement/senior living complex, they had to consult their books and came up with the response "As long as you aren't showing symptoms of COVID-19, you would be allowed access". My response to this was "Isn't it too late by then?" We both nodded our heads in agreement that the biggest risk was in spreading the virus while not showing symptoms. 

Due to the regular contact I have with my senior friends, I continue to be vigilant in my isolated little world. I don't get sick. Thus, I fear I could unknowingly spread a contagion to those who could be at risk. I continue to find reasons to say "No" to the invitations that are ever so slowly starting to reappear.

Where does paranoia start to overlap with common sense when it comes to the Coronavirus? Is my natural tendency to want to decline invitations being enabled by being able to label an excuse on it?

The reason I believe I am falling back on common sense is when it comes to invitations from family. It doesn't matter how depleted I feel, I equate interaction with my siblings to oxygen-for-my-soul. The answer is always, always, always "Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!".

This virus has beaten me down to a point where "No" is comfortable, safe, familiar, affordable and exactly where I most want to be.

I love the comfort weekends bring even more than I did during the B.C. (before COVID) days. I love parking the car Friday night and not starting it up again until I go to my aunt's on Monday.

I love, love, love working from home. I'm still having a little bit of trouble establishing boundaries but for the most part, my office-with-a-door offers most of the separation I need to keep work from infiltrating other areas of this oasis I call home.

I love the world of ordering online, free delivery or curbside pick-up. My heart clenches just a little before I enter a store-with-a-door. 

When I sat down with the words "the months of 'no' " at the tip of my fingertips this morning, my intent was to write of the lightness of heart I feel at living safely within the rules of isolation. Instead, the gravity of truth seeped out.

COVID-19, I truly appreciate the clarity, the isolation and lessons you have brought into our world. Personally, I am fortunate to say I have gained much more than I have lost though I know that is not the case for everyone. 

These months of "no" have been a holiday from life-as-I-know-it. It has been a reprieve from expectations. I know I must dip my toe back in the water and tentatively re-instate cautious "yeses" back into my world. The words "I'm not ready yet" have not yet been silenced. Perhaps there is a reason for that. Or maybe it is just an excuse.

One step in a forward direction, one step, one day at a time. Will take us where we need to go.

I've Been Preparing for "This" My Whole Life

I apologize in advance, for what I am about to write. I know I am an anomaly. I know what I think and feel is not mirrored by the majority. I know so very many people are being affected deeply by this period of isolation. I cannot begin to imagine what it feels like to be separated from a loved one in a long term care home or hospital as we manage what is known about the coronavirus. To those people, I am sorry. I cannot begin to know what it feels like in your shoes.

That disclaimer out of the way and the invitation to stop reading now if you feel what I may have to say does not apply, I am going to get "real" for a few paragraphs. Leave now if you wish. I promise I will write about rabbits, cats and rainbows another day. Just not today.

Back to the beginning now ...

I woke up to the most glorious morning yesterday. I had ordered my groceries online and yesterday morning was my pick-up-day.

Being able to choose one's groceries from the comfort of their home is a gift like no other. I sat and pondered brand names, prices, sizes and asked myself the question "Do you really need three packages of chocolate bars in order to save $0.86 per package? Or is it wiser to buy only one package and save $5.14?"

I made smarter choices than I would have, had I been walking up and down the aisles with a grocery cart far too big for my needs and a subconscious desire to make a grocery trip worth while. When I was out and about during this time of just-stay-home warnings, my cravings and emotional side tended to overrule common sense.

I did make the mistake of not creating an account first, so I was unable to change my grocery order between the time of my shopping and pick-up day. Once I found this out, I never looked at my order again and just awaited yesterday morning. Add a small dose of age-related amnesia to the mix and emptying the grocery bags felt like Christmas morning. I was so excited to see what I forgot I had ordered!

The store advised me when my order was ready, I called when I arrived, I sat in the designated waiting spot and soon enough, someone came out with my groceries. All I had to do was pop the lid of my trunk open. They had picked out everything on my list, packed it up and loaded the bags into the trunk. All I had to do was sit safely in my car.

Since I was out and about anyway, I topped up my gas and went for a leisurely ride through the car wash to wash away the winter grime. I left the house at 8:10 a.m. and returned at 8:55 a.m. Other than getting gas, I never left the car.

Forty five minutes to do all that had to be done for the week? And someone else did my shopping for me? I was one very happy camper and eagerly unpacked, washed and put away our groceries before I headed straight into my work-day from home.

Working from home has required more discipline than I had at the onset. But I'm finding my groove and this is working very well for me.

I have modified our spare bedroom into an office. Everything I need is contained within a room-with-a-door. Other than the printer, all of my work is contained within this room. May I say this again? A room-with-a-door. A door I close at the end of my day's work to create a tangible separation from the "work" and "home" portions of my life.

I'm getting more exercise than ever before as I work at my day job. The printer is located at the end of the hallway and if several pages are printed, they will fall onto the floor helter skelter. So I find myself making several trips and often it isn't even worth sitting down between printer-runs.

The printer is atop of my personal filing cabinet, beside the fridge.
Point of interest:
The white board is erased of all appointments, social commitments and errands - I think I may be in heaven!

I am standing, I am walking and I am simply moving more. "More" is a very relative term. I moved very little in my prior office. Anything more than I had been doing is better than nothing.

I created my "office" out of what I already had on hand. The desk is an old sewing machine cabinet (minus the sewing machine); I emptied out a filing cabinet and moved it into the closet; our stationary and paper shredder now reside the office; I have utilized unused tables, a dresser and even the futon to keep my work in order.

I am pretty content within this little world of mine.

Ordering groceries online, working from home and NO appointments, commitments or social expectations? This. This is what I have been preparing for my whole life. This is my idea of a perfect world.

Is "this" good for me? Time will tell. My motivation level is not high. My happy factor is at a "mediocre" level. My "good enough" rating is through the roof.

As long as I have an internet connection and a telephone to keep me connected to the people outside of these doors, I have everything I need within arm's reach.

But ... the gift I still have and hold is the freedom of knowing I have a choice in the matter. I can leave the house. I still go to my second job three hours of every week day. I do have contact with people outside our home AND our home houses two people and two cats. I am not alone.

I am not being pushed outside my comfort zone and this feels so very good right now. I am in absolutely no hurry for the world to reopen and insist that I rejoin the social masses.

What I have right here, right now is enough. I have so much. I have so VERY much. I have a home I love living in, I have daily contact with humans and felines. We have all the supplies we need. My employment nor income has not been affected. We are not under quarantine orders and we have a sense of freedom with our limitations.

Most importantly, I have my health and (as far as I know) the health of those who touch my world remains stable. I know what I have is beyond a blessing.

My wish for you, is that you are finding what you need within the limitations of this COVID-19 world we are living in. Most of all, I wish you good health, safety and the freedom you need to make it through this time.

It's All History Now

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind and there has been little (no) time to blog or keep up to date on the mundane little things I do to mark my time here in my small little world at home. Normally I would feel the need to catch up on "all of the above" but now that I have sat back and enjoyed a few quiet days at home, none of this catching up feels necessary.

I hope the highlight reel of this time of great busyness trickles out in the form of blog posts as time goes by but I am not going to force the words. They will come when they are ready.

A writing workshop is one of the first things I attended during this blog writing sabbatical. The workshop was less about writing and more about finding your creative self. After one full day of immersing myself in this workshop, my takeaway from that was:

• Wireless Sundays - Sunday will be my day to disconnect from technology and reconnect with the life that is right in front of me
• Walk more. I write these words and wonder "when"? I'm not quite certain how and when I can accomplish this and I am immediately recalling all of the excuses that have led to this sedentary life I lead
• Artist dates. This is simply setting aside time to do something alone to take in what the world has to offer (if I combine this with walking, maybe I can kill two birds with one stone)
• Morning pages, morning pages, morning pages - 3, 8-1/2 X 11" pages of long hand writing, written first thing every morning to clear the clutter of one's mind 

I hope to accomplish tackling this small list of things to do, to find the "me" I used to be. I used to find my answers in the quietness. Technology, TV, Netflix and the constant connection to the world via cell phones creates an eternal buzz. We are far too connected within this world of ours. This connection serves a beneficial purpose but the cost is high.

As I sit at the tail end of this holiday I have taken, I am relaxed, replenished and open to the idea of trying the tasks I have mentioned. I have been, gone, seen and done everything that I set out to do. Now it is time to settle in and renovate my inner self one step at a time. 

I went into this holiday feeling overwhelmed, anxious and eager to put it all behind me. I knew I would enjoy every single part of this time away from my regularly scheduled life. I was right. I simply need to work on finding a balance that doesn't tip the scales too far one way. I am hopeful I am on the right track.

Two days of forced solitude at the tail end of these holidays was exactly what I needed. I am grateful for the preparation and appointment I had today which enforced this time of quiet before I head back into my life. There is no way to go but forward. It's all history now ...

So Glad to Be Home

Today is "my day". The calendar is empty. No outbound emails, calls or reservations need to be made. No appointments (inbound or outbound). I believe the world around me is at peace and no one needs a piece of me.

It was a very committed weekend. It was all good and I enjoyed everything I did, everyone I spent time with and even an unexpected visit with an aunt and uncle I wouldn't have had if I had stayed home.

It was good.

But I just want to wrap myself up into a little cocoon and hang out on the couch today. I have seven hours to do with as I please.

I am socially spent. I just need a little alone time. Seven hours ought to do it.

What do you need today? I hope you can grab a big enough piece of whatever it  is that sustains you (yes, chocolate counts!).

It feels like a "third cup of coffee" kind of day. Happy Monday!

... four more days to go ...

Delicate Balance of Life and Living

Life is a balancing act. The components within said life are ever-changing and always evolving. The only thing one can count on in life (besides death and taxes), is change.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm not a big fan of change. But it keeps happening anyway. The secret is to maintain some balance within those times of flux.

There is a delicate balancing act required between work, play, self preservation, relationships, give/take, yin/yang and an infinite number of components one fits into a lifetime.

I'm at a rather enjoyable stage where I'm ready to fit "people" back into my days. It is not as easy as it sounds. At least not for me ...

I'm a morning person. By the time I get home each evening, I'm done. I've used all the tricks I've had up my sleeve to push through whatever the day brings.

The ebbs and flows of "life" keep things interesting. Pushing through challenges both exhaust and energize me. I just read a quote this morning that resonated within me:

"I've never met a strong person with an easy past." ~ Atticus 

Let me just say that I've had a week that has made me a stronger (and hopefully a little wiser) person. It was the kind of week where I should have worked five days but in my hope to add a little balance back into my work-oriented world, I made plans with a friend today. 

Today is a bonus day. I should be working. But since I'm not, I felt it was important to do something I never feel like I have the time to do. Friendship. It is an important component to the balance I'm seeking.

I am so blessed with the relationships I have within my friends, family and work world. They sustain me. Many these relationships are maintained through long distance means of communicating. Telephone, emails and texts keep me connected to those who are important to me in a manner in which I CAN sustain. It is the local variety of friendships which are suffering.

I've come a long way. I no longer crave solitude in the manner and quantity I needed before. But I do still love, love, love the way I feel when I am home. Alone within these walls of ours, reaching out to friends and family in a manner which I can do from the comfort of home, in my pajamas and "just the way I am".

I'm working to add a dimension to a balance which is working for me. Adding "socializing outside of my home" to this equation is hard. Thus, I created an opening for it during my regularly scheduled work week. And I feel just a tad guilty about that ...

Balance. It is a tricky concept. It is ever changing and evolving. But creating that balance that works for you within the here and now is life affirming. 

The need for this balance is most likely why I am still very stingy with my time outside of my work week. I'm doing well. I have been inviting people into our home on a regular basis since our renovation. It is a way to merge all that is important to me and keeps me feeling in balance. 

I am visualizing weigh scales in my mind as I write these words. Add a little too much on one side or the other and the balance is out of whack. I have been weighing heavy on the side of solitude for a long time. This was offset by the weight of the world on the other side of the scale.

The world is feeling a little lighter now. I'm ready to add a dose of socializing to my side of the scale. It's just a matter of how to fit this into what is already feeling pretty balanced and serene.

I will just keep inviting people into our home. That's all there is to it.

Freedom

There is great comfort in routine for me. I thrive on sameness, predictability and repetition. Is it really any wonder why I label my life as "rinse and repeat daily"?

I have been up for two hours.

I have made my bed and washed/dried/put away a load of clothes. I have lingered over my morning smoothie and coffee while spending the better part of an hour devoted to my Sudoku and word puzzle addiction; followed by over an hour on Facebook.

Facebook was speaking to me, so I scribbled down the words which spoke the words I would like to remember and repeat aloud as needed.

I have reached out (in an electronic kind of way) to a few people and I'm expecting a callback from a friend I haven't talked to in a while.

I brought up a box of miscellaneous items which have stockpiled in my bedroom and I WILL sort through these items at some point today.

I have only a few "hard things" on my agenda today. Followed by an evening out with a friend.

Life is good. It is so good. When I knocked over my glass full of frozen ingredients for my smoothie, before adding the liquid to the mix, I was simply grateful. Everything landed on the counter top so nothing was wasted. I scooped up my frozen berries and simply said "Thank you, thank you, thank you!" to the ceiling above.

I have so much. I have the gift of a predictable life with everything that comforts me all within reach. I am comforted by this fact. Our home is my oasis here on earth. For others, this is not the case. How you feel about what you already have is a choice.

"Happiness isn't about getting what you want all of the time. It's about loving what you have and being grateful for it." (Author unknown)

Of all that passed through my consciousness this morning, this is what spoke the most loudly to me:

I choose freedom.

Tapped Out

I'm starting to fade. We are eighteen days into January and my new and improved plan to lead an intentional life. I'm tuckering out.

Is it the weather? It is -32º outside. It's COLD out there. It's nice and cozy inside. I want to stay home.

Is it my working hours? Being out of the house for ten+ hours is hard. So hard. I love being at home. Renovated or not. Nestled up inside this warm, cozy cocoon is exactly where I want to be. The long days are taking a toll.

Is it time? I've been revved up and trying to do this "living an intentional life" thing right for eighteen days, minus two Sundays where my ambition and drive withered up and disappeared, thus returning me to my cocoon state for one much needed day of rest after six hard days of life. I'm simply in need of an extra "Sunday" this week.

Is it the upcoming renovation project? As daunting as I know it will be, I think the idea of renovating is fuelling me. This is good.

Is it the outpouring of cash? The dollar signs are flashing through my mind as I try to forecast my financial future. I know it will be okay. But it is hard.

Is it the up and coming commitments I have on the horizon? I don't think so. I'm actually very much looking forward to my upcoming weekend plans. I do love the fact that my ability to look forward to and anticipate extra curricular activities has returned. To a point.

I simply don't have the energy, motivation or desire for "more". I am not looking for anything beyond what already exists here within my cozy little world. I'm not looking for anything beyond what I already have. I am content. So content.

I thrive on quiet and alone time. Solitude fortifies and restores me. That ... and light. It is 8:30 a.m., I just cracked the blinds open a little and the sky is starting to show signs of lightening.

The days are a little longer. The weather is a little colder. It is January. I am simply craving a "snow day".

I don't know why I stopped to write here today other than the fact I'm trying to restore the habit of writing into my days. That, and taking care of my feet. Yes, I tend to my cuticles and buff my calloused feet every time I bath. Adding ONE good habit at a time.

I have added writing and foot-care into my daily regimen. That is enough.

The end.

Craving Solitude, Creating Scarcity

There has been a scarcity of thoughts within. Not for lack of thinking. Perhaps due to the fact that I am thinking too much, while at the same time while I feel I am doing too much. Let me stress the word "feel". This is not a truth. It is only a feeling.

There is a heaviness of spirit I seem to take with me wherever I go. I am not the friend, sibling, mother or employee I used to be.

I don't feel the spark of enthusiasm and joy I used to carry along with me. I feel like people can see the cloud of doom and gloom over my head.

Conversations become stiff. I don't see the reflection I used to see in people's eyes. Something or someone has changed. I know that "someone" is me.

I am seeking joyfulness but I am not finding it in the company of others. I am finding it when I am sitting in a quiet spot at home, surrounded by all that comforts me. Leaving home, conversing, being social is hard.

I have to leave my home to go to work five days of the week. This should not be so hard. But it is. I loved working from home, from a place of security and solitude. Taking my work out on the road isn't as hard as it has been. But it has made leaving home on the weekends uncomfortable.

"I can do this," I prompted myself all weekend. "I can do hard things"; "I can do this".

By the end of my Monday, I finally felt like I was ready for the weekend. I had done all the hard things but accomplished not a thing.

*************************************************************************

I walked away from this and then the thoughts came ...

I believe the root of this feeling is the unspoken desire to run out to Mom's. Mom is gone. Her house is gone. I will never be able to run home again.

But by sitting here, within my home that is sprinkled with some of Mom's belongings, I feel her here the most. I can be still and feel her presence. 

I want to be home, alone and fill myself up with Mom's presence. That is all ...

Creating a Fortress of Solitude

Why does it feel so easy to let go of good habits and so hard to return to what worked so well for years on end? I was thinking of my writing as I wrote this, but the minute I started this second sentence, I realized it was not the writing habit I gave up so easily. It was waking at 5:30 a.m., in order to ensure I had time to myself before the rest of the world woke up.

I remember savoring my early morning paper route for that very reason. As I walked my route, houses were dark, car traffic was minimal and the foot traffic was next to none. I remember breathing in the peace and quiet. I thought of those who were inside those dark houses, still fast asleep &/or just starting to stir as I finished my route. I saw the Northern Lights dancing in the sky, shooting stars and even the snow glistened and shone as the street lights reflected their shimmer and shine.

Early mornings are truly magical. The magic ends as soon as the rest of the world starts to enter that place of solitude. I truly miss those moments.

Instead, I have become very cat-like in my sleeping habits. 

I nod off to sleep very easily, I wake often and when morning comes I feel just like my little big black cat when he woke up this morning. He stood up, he did an on-the-spot cat stretch, walked in a semi-circle for exactly one step, then changed his mind and curled back up into a tiny little cat ball. Yep! That is exactly how I felt too. So we all enjoyed one last cat nap before we jumped out of bed and into the day.

I have another morning off today and I am without an agenda to push me into action. The cats and I took our time getting out of bed and now that we are all up, every little thing is distracting me from my new found desire to get back into the habit of writing.

I am torn between working on a Suduko puzzle, answering emails, buying tickets and unjamming the printer after buying said tickets. My attention span is very cat like. Every moving thing and little noise distracts me. I'm up and about, then down for the count. 

My brain is starting to fill with all the things I could be and should be doing but instead, I am making myself another cup of coffee. The morning is going to take care of itself and I will have very little to show for it. 

I need to bring back that-which-was-good in my life. I need to bring early morning solitude back into my days. A quiet place to start. Time to reflect. A chance to fill myself up before I go out into the world and spend my energy.

I have a sense of feeling "depleted" within me. I believe it stems from waking up at a time when the world starts beckoning to me. I need to create a "Fortress of Solitude" just like Superman. Those superpowers may have come from his deep seated knowledge that one must fulfil themselves with what they need before they can go out and save the world.

Superman and I have a lot in common that way...

A New Moon Rising

We have had a month of cold, dreary and cloudy days. I was well aware of the chill factor in the air but I hadn't consciously thought of the grey skies that accompanied the drop in temperature. Then the sun came out to play the last few days.

Behold the power of a blue sky! Unfortunately it didn't beckon to me and convince me to go out and rake up the leaves which have scattered over the lawn since its last mowing, but it was pretty to see none the less.

In reality, I barely noticed the blue sky because I was too busy in my own head trying to figure out a strategy on "where to go from here" in my life. When your body, mind and soul are consumed with your own tiny little world, you tend to forget to look up.

Looking up is really where it is at. Looking up and out of your own head, home, world, community and gazing into the endlessness of the sky is a profound reminder how very small we are within our very own solar system, let alone the universe. One's troubles and worries are less than a speck in the sky.

I kept looking down, figuring, planning, conspiring and trying to come up with a plan. Looking down is seldom a good plan. Unless you are walking in a gopher hole ridden field, a pothole ridden street or an uneven sidewalk. Okay, let me rephrase that. One does need to look down at times, when the terrain you are walking on is unfamiliar. Safety first, you know. Even at that, it is still wise to stop and enjoy the view from where you are at, even when you are navigating your way through new territory.

My reminder to "look up" came to me when I was driving home on a cloudless night. The moon, in all its glory was a beacon in the sky. It was bright and glorious crescent moon sitting on the horizon which made it appear larger than life. It had a magnetic pull and I wanted to keep on driving toward it but settled for the fact that I would soon be home and could take a picture.

Unfortunately the landscape around me prevented me from seeing the moon once I was in a place where I could stop and gaze at it. But I knew it was there. It is always there. Often it is hidden behind the clouds or landscape or it doesn't shine brightly in the sunlight. But our moon is always there.

Sometimes our reminder to "look up" isn't staring us in the face. Sometimes it is hidden within a quiet exchange of words, an expression of disinterest  or disdain. Sometimes we are so busy holding ourselves down and close and quiet, that we forget to look up and out into the world. Sometimes, someone is lost in their own piece of their quietness and an invitation to "look up" is exactly what they need, even when it is the last thing they want.

I am that quiet, reclusive one more often than not. Especially when I am in the thick of gathering my resources to weather the storm I'm living in or the one ahead. I forget to look up and notice the world around me. I forget to reach out and touch others. I forget the power of connection. I forget the give, the take, the yin and the yang that comes from looking up after I've been looking down too long.

Focusing inward is necessary at times. Just as it is vital to your safety to look downwards to protect yourself from the unknown. The world becomes too small when you don't look up enough. My world has become exactly that.

I have been invited out into the world this upcoming week and it is my choice whether I "stay small" or if I open myself up, look up, listen deeply and look into the eyes of those I encounter. There could be a whole "new moon" out there that I'm missing.

Try, Try Again

I just don't have enough words to share between two blogs these days, so I've been focusing on the one which I have "commitments to meet" and my aim is to try and fill this blog space with words that are left over.

I start writing and then I have to walk away and tend to "life", never to return. I am running behind on my "Daring Greatly" (Brené Brown) course again, so I have been stealing time from the morning to work on that.

I had three very early daycare day mornings last week. I went to bed before the birds more often than not so I could support my waking at 5:00 a.m. habit. So evenings have been a wash as well. Those early morning daycare days did not bode well for writing either.

I walked into this week feeling full and fulfilled. By Thursday, I was running on empty. I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6398163-try-try-again/

Please join me there and I'll be back here just as soon as words and time co-ordinate their schedules and get back to me.

Looking Forward to a Cat Day

The whiteboard is white again.

All social obligations have been met and I am free to be me again. This could entail a lot of sleeping. And a lot of alone time. I hope I can stay awake long enough to appreciate being alone.

I am a solitary creature.

I recharge my batteries by hunkering in and inhaling the days by myself, with myself and for myself. I like to call them 'cat days' because I do what our Senior Cat does. I nap intermittently, quietly pad about and just follow my whims. Which mostly involve moments in the sun or lying on the couch dozing intermittently.

I used to take a lot of Cat Days.

The days when I was avoiding working on our family book project were filled with guilt-ridden Cat Days. I should have been working on the book a little bit at a time. If I wasn't working on the book, I should have been cleaning something. If I wasn't working on the book or cleaning something, I should have been accomplishing great things. I was so laden with guilt, that I couldn't force myself off the couch.

The days of working outside my home were stress-filled and exhausting on every level. I came home from work and I slept my evenings and weekends away. I don't remember doing much beyond working and sleeping during those days. I'm not sure if I was capable of more at the time. I certainly didn't feel like I was.

I think we need a certain amount of pressure to accomplish many things. At least I do. I need deadlines in order to get things done. Wishy washy goals without an end in sight are my undoing. Perhaps that is why I have such a love/hate relationship with Christmas. There can be an extraordinary amount of pressure during this season. But it comes with an end date. A heavenly cut-off-date.

I woke up this morning, realizing every little thing that is hanging over my head at the moment will be done. Complete. Given. Mailed. one week from today.

The best part of that news is that I have two complete days, to do with as I please, at the end of it all. Two days with my self imposed to-do-list all crossed off. Two days to go where my body and my mind most need to be.

Two days without pressure, distraction, work or a deadline. Ahhh ,,,

Some people call it Christmas. I call it Cat Day #1.

My Fortress of Solitude

I need to crawl into my shell and regroup.

I have pushed myself through and beyond and long past my personal limits this past little while. I thought I was coming out the other side of it but I was wrong.

I have honored all commitments which have been placed before me. The little whiteboard on the side of our fridge is almost empty of dates and obligations. I want to erase it completely but I can't (instead, I cleared off some of the clutter on the kitchen counter).

I'm almost there.

I must tend to one (maybe two) more social obligations almost four weeks into the future.

Then there is work. Oh, work. I wish I was working for the money because then I would feel more in control of my weekend employment. Instead, I am working to help out a friend. It feels good when I am there. But it feels so awful when I see weekend after weekend committed. I would rather be surprised and simply not know ahead of time. I don't mind just 'showing up'. I just hate being scheduled to appear.

All I want for Christmas is an empty calendar.

A calendar which has no specified commitments or obligations. A calendar which is clear and empty and gives me the time, space and energy to show up whenever and wherever the spirit moves me.

I am good with going with where that 'spirit' takes be. It has never been wrong. I am always at the right place, at the right time when scheduling doesn't force my hand.

Do I want to go out for coffee? Yes. But let's not plan it. Let's just DO it.

Do I want to pop over for a visit? Sure. But don't ask me ahead of time. Ask me when you are ready and if I can come, I will be there.

Do I want to see a movie? Definitely! Let's just go on a whim though, okay?

I need to erase my whiteboard. I want to flip the calendar page and see ... nothing. I want to hunker down deep inside of myself and fill myself up with rest, solitude, reflection, quiet (oh, the quiet) and replenish the energy source deep inside of me.

I want to run away from it all. And I have the perfect place to go!! My family was already a step ahead of me and I have the gift cards, a gas card, spending money and a Tim Hortons gift card. All I have to do is show up.

I have it all and do you know where I want to go most of all???

I found another new room-with-a-door under my very own roof. My Second Son and his entourage moved out four and a half months ago. Since that time, I have been so wrapped up in the family book and reunion process that I had not stepped into that beautiful Fortress of Solitude until Sunday night.

I sunk deep into the sofa and lost myself to the world outside of that door. My Youngest Son and Junior Cat found me. They wandered in and out of the room at their leisure. I was surrounded by everyone and everything that means the world to me. And I was home.

I just want to enjoy my own company for a while. If you want to stop by, I will welcome you with open arms. If I don't have to leave my 'fortress', I will be a very happy camper indeed.

I have it all. And it is under this very roof. I don't have to take one step away from where I already am, to go where I most want to go.

I just need to regroup for a while. Don't be afraid to knock on my door. I will be oh-so-happy to see you. Just please don't ask me to leave for a while.

Word Pinball

I hit the 'open road' Sunday morning and spent three hours with my own company. No internet, no phone, no Facebook, no book project, no TV, no other person, nor pen, nor a computer to bounce my thoughts off of. It was just me and the radio.

It was lovely.

I wish that I had not consciously realized that I was living my dream while I was in the thick of the moment. Suddenly my brain kicked into medium gear and actually wondered how I could best utilize this time. What could I focus on and think about? There were so many things.

Suddenly my thoughts started pinging around in my head like a game of pinball.

Each fresh new idea was launched out of the starting gate with a spring loaded lever. It was energized by its freshness and as I subconsciously lost one train of thought and drifted to another, one ball was lost and a new one was reloaded.

As each new thought was launched I was hopeful that subliminal thoughts and messages would sift to the top and the best path &/or solution would clearly present itself.

I tried to keep the ball in play as long as possible but one thought segued into the next (I guess I kind of suck at playing pinball).

Ping! Ping!! Ping Ping Ping!!!

Bells, whistles and cool sound effects were not part of my internal arcade game but the pinging noise was almost palpable.

Have I thrown too many logs onto this 'fire' of mine? I seem to have initiated a handful of family events. The dates are staggered and most of them simply require making a reservation and 'showing up'. That's easy, right? Right!

The Book Project looms heavily over my shoulders. I must concentrate on that first and foremost, write it up, wrap it up, print it off and write it off. Done! Complete!! It is zapping my energy. This I know for sure.

Then there is the day-to-day challenge of working with one and two year olds. My attention span is no longer than the children I tend. As my thoughts pinged (pang? punged?? what is the past tense of ping, anyway?) around in my head Sunday morning, I was frustrated at my inability to hold onto one thought long enough to see it through to the end. This reminded me (once again) of the Book Project.

Three hours after I left the house, I arrived at my destination. I had a thoroughly enjoyable visit and lunch with my siblings. Then my sister hopped in my passenger seat and we chatted the entire way home (less pinging, more follow-through when you are actually speaking the words).

It was a much needed day. One part solitude. One part nourishment (of the body and soul - sharing lunch with my family fills me up in so many more ways than food alone). One part sister-bonding. Then I returned home with lots of time left in the day to spend the last part doing what I do best. Nothing (I prefer to call this part "Strategizing").

I opened up the blinds yesterday morning and felt so capable of taking on the day ahead of me. I swear that children and pets pick up on these vibes. The calmer I am, the calmer my charges are. I had replenished my coping skills over the weekend and I was ready for my little people.

Even though I didn't feel like I had come to any grand conclusions during my pinball game of words, I released the pressure. I became more of who I am (underneath the weariness of dealing with one and two year old dilemmas for hours and days on end).

All of the other stuff? The get-togethers, the reunions, the planning and reserving? They are all 'done enough' for the moment. I have filed my data away and can bring it out on demand. But for now? I need to write a book.

And that is exactly what I am going to do. One chapter at a time. I can and will do this. Starting ... NOW!!

Room With a Door

I had a vision of how I wanted last summer to go...

I was working for the school at the time, so there was little chance of being called to work over the summer. In a perfect world (a world where I didn't have to worry about paying the bills), I would have two months of summer holidays. I had an adult child at home that was willing to take care of the house over the summer and I could do anything or go anywhere I wanted. In a perfect world...

I dreamt of finding a quiet retreat. I would pack up my little laptop computer, my Book Research and all the paraphernalia that would be required to get us through the summer. I would pack up My Youngest and he would spend a summer outside, away from X-box live, the Internet and the television set. He was going to hate me for a while but after all was said and done we would look back on the summer as the-best-we-had-ever-had.

To perpetuate my dream, I found out that one of my dad's brothers had vacated their country home ... which just happened to be the last home that my dad's parents lived in together. It is a two story home and I would set up a desk and computer beside an outward facing window (insert picture of John Boy Walton here) and I would write.

I would vacation in a world that was close to my dad's family. The geography, the atmosphere, the essence, the solitude and the time would provide me with everything I needed to tackle the job that I had set before me. It was going to be wonderful.

CRASH!!! BANG!!!! BOOM!!! That is the sound of the real world invading my fantasy.

Enter reality, stage right. I found a part time job to help subsidize the high cost of living. I was called in to work at the school's head office a little. My part time job ended up being a job that had no schedule. Okay, fine. There was a schedule. But it was written in magical marker that changed before my very eyes. Days off were plagued with being called in to work. I was called in early. I stayed late. There was no planning. I just went where the wind blew. And it felt like hurricane season.

Need I say more. The Book was abandoned. Again.

CRASH!!! SHUFFLE!! BANG! That is the sound of me changing my world. Again.

Enter another new reality, stage left. I would do what it took to make a living from the safety of my own home. I did it once, I could do it again. This led to ten hour work days, three nights of delivering flyers, house cleaning, bookkeeping ...

Need I say it again? The Book was all but forgotten. I must take that back. It was never forgotten but the layers of dust that was gathering on top of it was making it harder to find. And I was developing an allergy to it.

Then came my pending holiday. Once again, I had visions of running away from it all to complete This Book project. I needed to escape my reality and responsibilities to make this happen. Then I realized ... NO!, I didn't. I simply needed a room with a door.

I have taken up residence in a bedroom in the far corner of our 1000 ft home. I am the furthest that I can be away from the back door and all of the comings and goings of my family. I could not be further from the activity within the kitchen. I am almost just as far away from the allure of the computer, TV, couch and kitty entertainment that is all contained within the living room. Make no mistake about it. I am seven steps away from the hub of activity that is our home. But I have a door...

This door has given me what I have been searching for, for longer than I care to admit. It has given me a place to call my own - where I actually stay awake long enough to enjoy it.

Yes, I have a bedroom. Yes, it has a door. But try as I might, the longest that I can stay awake (once I lay my head down upon those wonderful feather pillows) is the opening credits of the show that I think that I want to watch.

Yes, I have spent a few quiet Sundays within the quiet oasis of my bedroom with the door closed so that I can turn off the outside world. But every time I do this, I get subtle messages from my family that there is medication that can help me through this (depression).

I do not need to get away from it all. I do not need pills to make me happy. I do not need anything at all. I simply need (want) a room with a door. And I have a few. I just need to find a way to make this work once my daycare family returns and my Holiday Oasis turns back into this:

Just What I Needed

I wake up refreshed. The dreams that linger in my consciousness in those first waking moments are light and easy. I am eager to move on with the day ahead of me.

I am on holidays. And I am lovin' it!

Gone are the anxiety-filled dreams of work and not-being-enough. Gone is the morning count down "how-many-minutes-do-I-have-left-to-myself". Gone are a houseful of little people depending on me for every little thing.

I am spending time with myself.

My solitary confinement isn't all that I made it out to be. I pop out and chat with My Son in bits and spurts throughout the day. I check my emails and the blogs I follow. I have answered the phone. Twice. In each case, it was all business and I was off the phone within a minute.

I am nourishing myself with food that is good for me.

Instead of buying chips and sweets to sustain us throughout the week, I bought fruit, vegetables and meal-oriented food. Would I eat the junk food if I had it? You betcha!! But it is not here. So I found myself craving vegetables the other night. Vegetables?!?!! Who knew?? The only trouble is that the carrots are not good and the cucumber is sour. Way'd a go and wreck a good thing.

I am filling myself up and I am filling the pages of the book that I am compiling at the same time.

Two more good, solid days should have all of my information a small bit cleaned up and all in one spot, in a format that I can work with. One or two (preferably two) days of 'cleaning it up' should put me in a place where I can print off a first draft to share with the contributors to our story. It will be so much easier to pick this up and finish it off once I get through these imperative phases.

The Book will be complete. Perhaps not immediately. But it is getting closer. Oh-so-much-closer. Once I get this to the spot where I can send it out into my family for input, suggestions and editing ... it will become easy.

I need for this to be done. I need to put this in the hands of Dad's family. Where it belongs. I have held onto this far too long. I'm ready to let it go.

I really, really needed this vacation. I haven't spent (quality) time with myself for a while. I have missed this...

Don't wait for a vacation. Give yourself the gift of indulging yourself in what-you-need-the-most a little bit every day. Don't wait for anxiety-ridden dreams to push you to that place where you don't even know what you need. Or recognizing the need and not having the ability to pursue it.

It is hard to close the door on the world. But it is necessary at times. At least for me it is ...

Vacation Photos

I have emerged from my Hotel Oasis to bring to you some photos from my first vacation day:

Room Service included lightly scented cinnamon aroma therapy, fruit, coffee and a book entitled "Press Pause" (which ironically, I could not sit still and pause to read more than a few captions at a time)

Reading material to stimulate my mind and try to reroute my outlook and perspective before my day officially began.

At 7:30 a.m., I closed the door and the day was my own

At 7:30 p.m., there was some light tapping on the door with a query that only I could answer... "Do you know where the package of Werther's candy went?"

Suddenly my day of solitude was shattered. Do you see one black kitty in one corner; another one that looks like a black shadow sneaking in the door? Oh, and can you spot the gold bag of Werther's candy clutched in My Son's hand?

It was slow going today. I had to go backwards before I could go forward. That is why this project has been abandoned for so long. When I can't gain and maintain a good momentum, I waste hours trying to figure out where I last left off.

The good part about forgetting where I left off, is that these memories sound even better the second and third (forth? fifth??) time around. I keep forgetting that I don't have a memory any more. So it is like a first time read-through for me. My relatives  have done a very good job of supplying  me with some good stories to share with the family.

Thirty four pages down ... I have no idea how many more to go. All I know is that I am moving in a forward direction. And I'm not going to stop now!