Good Things Will Come

As I dipped into my revolving supply of morning smoothie ingredients and was quietly grateful for that which is "on tap" within our home on a regular basis, I felt my gratitude multiplied this morning.

Many, many (many) decades ago an acquaintance mentioned her parent's habit of always keeping an extra of everything they used regularly on hand. When their spare item was taken from its place in the pantry, it was immediately replaced. Thus, they always had a ready supply of all regularly used items on hand.

I immediately incorporated "keeping a revolving inventory on hand" into my way of living and budgeting. Any time someone took the last item from our stock, they were supposed to write it on the list so I knew to replace it. This way of shopping has served us well over the years.

Add "budgeting" into this formula and there are times when I'm waiting for the next pay cheque or credit card cut off date before I replenish my supplies. That was exactly were I landed last Friday.

I have been working hard to spend within my allotted budget amount. In order to succeed, I had to wait until Friday to do my shopping. Add the fact that "self isolating" is a way of life for me. I live for weekends where my car doesn't have to leave the garage.  The fact that I had plans to go out that night resulted in shopping at 10 p.m. on a Friday night. Not my favorite place in the world to be. Ever. Let alone in the midst of a time where scarcity is ruling the world as we know it.

I have been very calm, level headed and practical about all the advisories during this time of the COVID-19 Virus. I have read or heard in more than one place: "Everything we need to know, we learned in Kindergarten". Share, don't hog the toys, be kind to one another, protect others when you cough, wash your hands, wash your hands and wash your hands. Stay home if you are sick. And as Glennon Doyle taught me, "do the next right thing".

If we all follow these simple instructions, hopefully we can slow the spread of this virus.

Then I found myself in a Walmart at 10 p.m. on a Friday night, when it should have been close to abandoned. It was busy. The shelves were bare. I had a hard time finding the items on my list to replenish my revolving supply of household goods and groceries.

Yes. I felt the anxiety that is running rampant. I came home to find my son reverberating a different version of the same reality. The university cancelled classes. This is real.

Remember what you learned in Kindergarten. Be kind. Be considerate. Share. Wash your hands often. Plus one amendment to those rules ... give everyone their space and learn to appreciate alone time. This is the breeding ground of great ideas, imagination, creativity and listening to the quiet within the world you may find.

I believe this will get much worse before it gets better. I hear glimmers of hope all around me. Some good will come. I have heard it said that this is giving our earth a chance to breathe. This is a rude awakening ... but it is never so bad that it couldn't be worse.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to our health care system and providers. Thank you, thank you, thank you to those who work in the front lines and are exposed to hundreds upon hundreds of people on a daily basis. I can't begin to think that you are bearing the brunt of people's fear and anxiety. Thank you, thank you, thank you to truck drivers and those in the delivery field. We are so very fortunate to have you in our corner.

Please be mindful, considerate and kind. In times of great uncertainty, please let kindness win.

Craving Solitude, Creating Scarcity

There has been a scarcity of thoughts within. Not for lack of thinking. Perhaps due to the fact that I am thinking too much, while at the same time while I feel I am doing too much. Let me stress the word "feel". This is not a truth. It is only a feeling.

There is a heaviness of spirit I seem to take with me wherever I go. I am not the friend, sibling, mother or employee I used to be.

I don't feel the spark of enthusiasm and joy I used to carry along with me. I feel like people can see the cloud of doom and gloom over my head.

Conversations become stiff. I don't see the reflection I used to see in people's eyes. Something or someone has changed. I know that "someone" is me.

I am seeking joyfulness but I am not finding it in the company of others. I am finding it when I am sitting in a quiet spot at home, surrounded by all that comforts me. Leaving home, conversing, being social is hard.

I have to leave my home to go to work five days of the week. This should not be so hard. But it is. I loved working from home, from a place of security and solitude. Taking my work out on the road isn't as hard as it has been. But it has made leaving home on the weekends uncomfortable.

"I can do this," I prompted myself all weekend. "I can do hard things"; "I can do this".

By the end of my Monday, I finally felt like I was ready for the weekend. I had done all the hard things but accomplished not a thing.

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I walked away from this and then the thoughts came ...

I believe the root of this feeling is the unspoken desire to run out to Mom's. Mom is gone. Her house is gone. I will never be able to run home again.

But by sitting here, within my home that is sprinkled with some of Mom's belongings, I feel her here the most. I can be still and feel her presence. 

I want to be home, alone and fill myself up with Mom's presence. That is all ...