Hopeful

It is a little late in the year to be forming the traditional resolutions and mind sets one hears so much about as one calendar year folds into the next. But I very much like the way this word rolls off my tongue, into my vocabulary and seeps into my thoughts. I want to incorporate this word into my world in an every day kind of way. The word is "hopeful".

Hopeful is a word which is based what is possible while keeping in mind some probable outcomes. It is a word that meshes faith with reality.

Hopeful is an optimistic stance to take on any situation. Whether it is waiting on or dealing with a health diagnosis ... anticipation or dread over an upcoming appointment  ... to simply the way a day will unfold.

To be hopeful is to expect nothing but hope for the best.

Credo: from Mom's little book of notes

I want to step into each day filled with hope for best possible outcomes and the stamina to roll with any obstacles I may find along the way.

I feel hopeful today. I hope the same for you. No matter what life is throwing your way.

Try, Try Again

I just don't have enough words to share between two blogs these days, so I've been focusing on the one which I have "commitments to meet" and my aim is to try and fill this blog space with words that are left over.

I start writing and then I have to walk away and tend to "life", never to return. I am running behind on my "Daring Greatly" (Brené Brown) course again, so I have been stealing time from the morning to work on that.

I had three very early daycare day mornings last week. I went to bed before the birds more often than not so I could support my waking at 5:00 a.m. habit. So evenings have been a wash as well. Those early morning daycare days did not bode well for writing either.

I walked into this week feeling full and fulfilled. By Thursday, I was running on empty. I wrote a little blog about it over at MyKawartha.com: http://www.mykawartha.com/blogs/post/6398163-try-try-again/

Please join me there and I'll be back here just as soon as words and time co-ordinate their schedules and get back to me.

Openly Grateful

I remember someone once suggesting I silence myself from my openly expressing my gratitude over what I felt grateful for.

Whether it was the weather, the ability to pay my bills or my good fortune over a relatively easy experience with parenthood (my third time around).

I can't remember what my misdemeanor was, but I was advised "Don't jinx yourself" on more than one occasion.

It was six years ago when that phrase resonated within my thoughts enough to write it down. Six years later, it still rings true in my mind.

I think of those who advised me not to jinx myself by not being openly grateful. Is it a coincidence that some of these people are the same people who seem to have a recurring cycle of negative things happening within their life?

I recently ran into one who advised me not to speak openly of my gratitude. We stopped in the middle of the grocery store and the world around us stopped spinning as we each answered the question "How have you been since we last spoke?"

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Her life was a little bit of the "same old dirt, different pile" kind of story. And in a round about way, so was mine.

Since life took us in two different directions, I tried a new career path, didn't like it and returned to where I was happiest. If you look at me now and compare me to the person I was six years ago, one would assume I hadn't changed a bit.

It is amazing what outer appearances do not reveal until you dig a little deeper.

I admit that I do not know the inside scoop of her story either but the feeling I walked away with is that her life is relatively unchanged. Or moreso, her reaction to it.

But do you know what? I have the feeling that she may have thought the same about me.

Do you know what is even better than that? I am so incredibly grateful that the events of the tough years I endured between then and now hasn't jaded me. I am still openly grateful. I believe gratitude is key for me.

Positive words and thoughts beget positive reactions. Maybe not each and every time but if I internalize the negative in a positive way, I don't walk away from a negative experience feeling like it has brought me down. I feel empowered because I have learned something life changing or empathy or simply a reminder that the prescription on my rose colored glasses needs to be updated from time to time.

When I listen to someone who is holding onto a grudge or can't seem to get past a broken heart I understand there is a process that needs to take place. A person needs to feel, live and express their hurt, anger and frustration, before you can get to a place where your heart feels mended enough to take the lesson learned from your personal crisis and be courageous enough to carry on.

I'm grateful that life taught me that answers don't always come easy. But when they do eventually arrive in their own way and in their own time, your heart is so very much happier when you can take the lesson and release the pain.

Easier said than done. I can still feel the pain of my life lessons when I think hard enough. But if I focus on gratitude, the lesson starts to take precedence over the hurt.

You simply cannot lose by being grateful. I tend to want to sing it from the rooftops. Not because I want to brag about my good fortune. I don't. It is just that I tend to believe that I can't attract positive in my life if I am focused on the negative.

I tend to be grateful over little things. Waking up to a predictable little life that basically goes according to plan is one of my life's biggest blessings.

Waking up to a day where I need to work at making things happen to get beyond a particular problem or challenge is hard. Taking those necessary first steps to overcome the issue at hand is even harder.

But do you know what? The moment I take one step in a forward direction, the weight starts to lessen. Even when that step doesn't take me where I need to go, I know that forward in any direction is better than sitting still and becoming paralyzed with the emotion of the moment.

Fear, hurt, anger, heartache, grief, worry, frustration (to name only a few) have the ability to incapacitate me.

Fear is a big one for me. I am quite literally afraid of most things. But the moment I turn on the lights and reveal that there is no monster lurking under my bed after all, I become more empowered.

Turn on the lights. Look under your bed. Take one small step in any direction. Pat yourself on the back for doing hard things. Express gratitude often.

Focus on what is going right. Even if it feels like everything else is going wrong. Be openly grateful for the smallest of things.

Rinse and repeat daily. Do your best. It may not solve everything but if it gets you through one hard minute at a time, it is worth a shot.

Remind me of this in a few months when the sun stops waking me up in the morning, okay?

Affirmations for Today and Beyond

I am installing a force field around me today. Only positive forces are allowed to penetrate my armor.

I started the morning by watching an episode of "Mike & Molly". I heard myself laugh out loud and I thought this is how I want to spend my weekend.

I shall find light and easy entertainment. I will pick up the 'Chicken Soup' book that My Friend gave me titled "Find Your Happiness" in the quiet moments.

I will focus on that which stirs the passionate side of me that believes that anything is possible once you make up your mind and take steps towards your goals.

I will write only positive things. I will speak uplifting words. I will think forward and spend my subconscious energy looking for the answers which have been evading me lately. I will tune in and listen to that which lifts me up and restores my belief that 'if you believe it ... anything is possible'.

I shall spend my idle computer time sifting through positive sites such as this one: Life Support System and even if I don't physically change my phone message to the one that the author of this blog cites:  "Thank you for calling. I’ve been making some changes in my life. Please leave a message. If I don’t call you back soon, you’re one of the changes." , I will follow through on the intent.

I shall focus on keeping this force field in place. Something has penetrated my armor lately and I'm not enjoying the result. It is time to batten down the hatches,  hunker down and fight back.
 
"Negativity cannot harm me ... my wings are like a shield of steal!"

If I Build it ... The Food Will Come

I innocently offered to pick up anything that My Sister may need from Costco, for a surprise party that she is hosting tonight.

At first glance, it appeared that my sister had it all under control.

Then she called me back and said that she would like to take me up on that offer after all. Could I bring a vegetable tray and a fruit tray? I asked "And how about a few Caesar salads too?"

She agreed that would be all she needed to round off the menu. And that was that.

Fast forward to this past week. Our outside temperatures have gradually been warming up. As the Party Day approached, I was thinking that cool weather would be more conducive to the one and a half hour trip to my sister's, with perishable food items in my trunk. Lucky us! It looks like it is going up to 19 today. What was I going to do about the food?

I had a few ideas, but acted on none of them. Last night, My Oldest took me to Costco and suggested we pick up this food and get that errand taken care of.

It was a great idea. But my bubble quickly burst when Costco had absolutely 'none of the above'. Nothing! And no guarantee it would arrive this morning either. I couldn't order this and place it on hold. It is first come, first served.

My worry meter started to rise. I tried telling myself there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it. This situation is entirely out of my control.


Then I woke up this morning and 'built' these thermal food containers out of items that I had on hand. As I was utilizing my inventive ways, I was buoyed by my 'Field of Dreams' analogy of life that started quietly speaking to me as I finally took some action.

"If I build it ... the food will come."

(Costco does not open until 9:30, so I don't know the outcome to my dilemma. Update to follow)

*** Updated May 15th *** The food did come!

If You Book It ... They Will Come!

I did it. I finally did it!! I booked my Alaskan Cruise vacation!

This dream originated 31 years ago. A very good friend of mine went on a cruise and loved, loved, loved it. We made a pact to go on a cruise together when we were 40.

Forty came and went about decade ago ... and our goal to go cruising together didn't materialize. But this past year, as I realized that dreams really do come true if you pursue them, I dusted off this old dream and decided to not only say that I wanted to go on a cruise. But to say "I am going!"

It seemed perfect. By the time the cruise departs, my friend and I would have each been 6 months away from our 50th birthday. I'm a year older, so timing our cruise vacation for a date in between that one year age difference seemed significant.

Add my Second Friend. A friend that I knew from about ages 10 to 12. Her family was from the U.S. and her dad had a two year contract to work in Canada. As fate would have it, we became neighbors and fast friends.

We have kept in touch ever since. Forty years later, we not only exchange Christmas cards ... but thanks to the magic of the Internet, we sporadically touch base throughout the year. She now lives in Alaska.

A plan was born. An Alaskan cruise! I would get to fulfill my dream of cruising with the friend that I made the 'When We Turn 40 ...' pact. And at the end of that one way cruise, I would visit my childhood and long time friend in Alaska. Perfection!!

I have been tossing this idea around for the better part of 2010. My Cruise Friend was intrigued but not sold on the idea. I found another friend who was eager and willing to join me ... but when it came time to actually booking a date, I found I simply couldn't get a commitment.

I have been in sporadic contact with my Alaskan Cruise Experts the past few months. When I called on Friday, I was told that things book up quickly from this point on. In fact, the cruise that 'had my name on it' had only 4 spots left. I put a temporary one day hold on one of those spots.

I decided to book 'A Cruise for One', with the option of adding a friend later. There are a few rules and restrictions. But basically, changes can be made to my travelling companion up to as close as a week before the ship sails. So ... I did it. I really did it!!!

It felt absolutely marvelous!

Unfortunately, my Cruise Buddy officially informed me that the one week that I chose for this adventure was the exact same week that she had planned a 'Vacation of a Lifetime'. So we won't fulfill that particular dream. But ... she lives quite close to the city that the cruise begins, so maybe ... just maybe we can find a way to get together while I'm 'in her neighborhood'.

My Second Potential Cruise Companion was away this weekend. So I couldn't talk to her. But I left messages before and after I booked. I believe this way is better. She wasn't quite ready to commit. This will buy her some time. She may or may not decide to go with me. And that's okay.

The amazing thing is, that the idea of going on this holiday on my own does not frighten me. Not in the slightest. I am finding that I push myself out of my comfort zone more when I am on my own. The many classes I have joined these past few months have taught me 'if you reach out, people respond'. It's an amazing thing. But I actually feel a sense of gratitude as I talk to someone who was standing quietly on their own. I could do this on my own. This sense of independence and adventure that is very, very new to me. It is amazing!

But ... what I found just as amazing, is the people who are coming out of the wood work now that I've actually booked this holiday.

A friend who is in a place in her life where she cannot make long term plans said that 'one week' is as far ahead as she can plan right now. She eagerly came up to the plate, waved her hand and said ''pick me'' if I need a last minute replacement.

My Oldest Son said that he would go with me. He admitted that perhaps it wasn't at the top of his holiday destination list ... but he is eager to enhance his vacation experiences. And if I couldn't find anyone, he would be willing to go.

I had a strong feeling that this would happen. As I was rambling on to my mom about this very topic, I simply said, "The first person to come up to me with the 'cash' gets to come!!" But it is nice to know that I have a Plan "B" and "C" to fall back on if whoever-decides-to-come-with-me, must back out at the last minute.

It is a 'Field of Dreams' experience ... I knew it would be!!

"If I book it ... they will come!"

The Car

I am not a car person. When I was a teen, I think I remember my dad asking me what kind of car I liked (this seems like an odd memory to have so I'm not sure if it's mine). But I do remember after being asked that question, I started looking at the cars around me. I finally decided that a Camaro was the car that caught my eye.

Since that time, I have had a 1965 Plymouth Fury; a Dodge van; another 1965 (Chevrolet??); a Ford Tempo; a (?) station wagon; another Ford Tempo; a few forgettable cars as I went through a stage of buying cars without the help of my brother-in-law-car-salesman. For the past 12 years, I have driven an Olds Achieva.

My wish list for a car has moved up a notch or two in the past 23 years. The first time my brother-in-law asked me what I wanted in a car I replied, "Four doors, a radio and reliable enough to get me back and forth to The City I Used to Live In".

It was quite some time after that, that I finally took notice of cars. A nice interior, good speakers (so you could crank up the radio), enough power to pass a car on the highway and no rust were features that I appreciated in the cars that followed.

I have bought a few cars from my brother-in-law ... each of them basically chosen for me. All I had to do was (take out a loan) sign a cheque and drive it home. My sister would give the car her nod of approval before my brother-in-law showed it to me. It's the way I like to shop for everything. Just go in and buy it without thinking.

My car has been very good to me the past 12 years. But it is nearing 17 years of age. It should be in a retirement home. But instead, it reliably takes me where ever I want and need to go. I've travelled a lot of miles in that car. It has seen me through many life events. I still like my car. My eyes don't wander. I am faithful.

It must be the fact that my car is aging, but my thoughts have been drifting towards the idea of having to find a replacement one day. I still haven't been looking at other cars ... just thinking.

Then I saw it. The car of my dreams. It drove right up in my driveway and I only saw the back end view of it. But I'm in lust.

Look at that view! That is all I needed to see ...

I am sometimes a major annoyance to my Middle Son. He has a truck and therefore he is the one I call when I need something larger than a suitcase (exaggeration here, but I'm sure this is the way he feels at times) hauled from Point A to Point B. When I saw what this car could do with all the seats folded down? I was in love.

I know nothing about these cars. I doubt I'd recognize one if it was staring me in the face. I only saw the rear view and I liked what I saw.

The reason I am writing about this today?

It's because I believe that my fairy godmother must read my blog. One day, I am going to have to go back through the archives and record all of my wishes that have come true.

I think this happens all of the time, but because a person doesn't normally write down their (many) meandering thoughts you don't realize how often it actually occurs.

But yesterday, I got a call from someone. This person has never called me before. It was in direct response to a recent blog. There is no way in the world that this person would have read what I wrote. Yet the phone call was as if they had. The conversation unfolded exactly the way I visualized it.

I believe that there is truly something to the idea of visualizing the way you want your life to unfold. I don't think the result is a Twilight Zone type of experience, but I do think that our subconscious thoughts are powerful. You draw experiences and results into your life by what you think, feel and believe.

After this conversation, I walked downstairs and declared to my Middle Son. "I believe that I will get the Matrix that I am dreaming of. Because all of my wishes are coming true."

Thus, Blog Fairy Godmother (or Father or Angel or Whom/What Ever You May Be) ... I am dreaming of driving a Matrix. I believe.

Keeping the Faith

I've been harping a lot about the power of positive thinking. The power of visualizing what you want in your life, believing it and subconsciously moving your world towards the goals you want to attain.

I've read and I believe that you must see a clear goal. Know exactly what you want. Be specific. Set time lines and state exactly what you want to achieve. Don't worry about the ''how do I get form here to there". Know where you want to be and the middle part - from 'here' to 'there', will work itself out.

Have faith. Believe. Don't let the negative self talk detract from where you want to be.

Yes, I talk the talk ... but this past week, it has been harder to walk the walk.

This new life is not going exactly as I had planned. The work isn't there. I'm ready and waiting for work and the work doesn't come. I have wasted more time this past week, as I live in a state of flux. The month is ticking by and I haven't been working. I have bills to pay and just a fraction of the pay cheque that I am accustomed to, coming in at the end of the month. And that potential pay cheque keeps shrinking with each day that the work doesn't come.

It has been uncomfortable. But in reality, it hasn't been that long. The first two weeks of the month, I was not in full-time-work-mode. I finished school on Wednesday of last week. It has only been four days. But it is all of the days that I was geared up and ready, but didn't have the work to do. It is the fact that I only have a finite amount of days left in the month to earn what I need to pay the bills. It is knowing that this is the way it has always been with this job. Why did I expect it to change?

I kept telling myself "Give it a month", "Remain positive ... it will work out ... it always works out in the end", "Keep believing, keep positive, don't let the negative in". But I was losing faith.

I am planning a holiday adventure of a lifetime for next summer. It's a year away. I am going to find a way to go no matter what. I am meeting up with a long-time friend and we are going to have a reunion to remember. My finances are in a very scary state at the moment, but that is not standing in the way of my plan. I am going.

I received an email from this friend last night. She sounded so eager and excited. I read it and I tried to feel it too. I searched the Internet for ideas for this upcoming holiday and I got swept away. But I couldn't reply immediately. I couldn't share her excitement.

I woke up this morning and took control of my day.

I remembered that there was some work that I could work on for my bookkeeping job. I worked at that until I hit a wall. Then I called my boss and asked for more work. She is also stuck between a rock and a hard place, but I knew there were other things that I could be working on until such time that the flood gates open on all the work that has been on hold. She emailed me some information so that I could go ahead with what I was working on. I could move forward.

At this point, I was in the mindset to reply to my excited friend. I was in the middle of replying to her email telling her that due to my present financial state of disrepair, I wasn't quite in the place to mirror her excitement. But I was still planning on going to see her. No matter what. I was going to be there. I was certain that the excitement would come, but it just wasn't quite 'here' yet ...

Then the phone rang.

I sent out a resume 6 months ago. One resume for a casual typing position. It was a resume sent off before I took my 'Job Search and Resume Writing' course. It was a resume sent when I was mid-way through my studies. It was a resume written on a lot of hope, past experience and a good work ethic. It was a promise of what I hoped I could be.

When I didn't receive a call after that resume went out, I chalked it up to experience. I never did delete the email that I sent along with it. I thought that I would follow up one day and ask for their advice as what I could do to 'sell myself' for the next time.

Well? That resume landed me a job today. They needed someone to come in immediately to type up three documents. I was in their office within 20 minutes of that phone call. I worked for 4 1/2 hours. I made enough of an impression that he promised that he had lots of work and he would definitely call me if I was interested.

Was I interested?!?! You betcha! Opportunity was knocking. And I was home to answer the call.

Was this part of the ''how'' to get from "A" to "B"? Not specifically. But as it has been in this quest to gain control of the direction my life is headed, I'm open to any and all opportunities. A casual typing position today, working with a businessman/lawyer could lead to any number of unknown opportunities. And if nothing else, it can definitely pave the way to my Next Holiday Adventure.

My faith was wavering. It was being tested. I was holding out, but it was not easy. And I was rewarded.

Never give up.

More Positive Thoughts

My Youngest and I went out to see a movie today and when we left the house I just had this strong feeling that I was going to find some money. As per "The Secret", I visualized it. I pictured a $20.00 bill. I saw it, I could feel it. I was thinking positive.

Well, sure enough, when we were standing in line at the show, I looked down and spotted what I thought was a quarter. Pleased with that, I thought my positive thinking was paying off. As it turns out, it was only a nickel but I still thought, "Hey, that beats a penny" (I found 2 of those yesterday).

Still feeling like I could find more, I kept my eyes pealed and sure enough, as we were walking into the theatre, I found a nice, shiny tooney (yes, it was really a tooney - not a quarter or a looney). So I thought, "There! That just paid for my parking." And I was pleased.

In the theatre, I did hear the guy behind us drop a coin and I tried to convince My Youngest to wait until they turned on the lights at the end of the movie to look for it (I told him that it definitely sounded like a loonie or a toonie - not a dime or a penny!). But unfortunately the ending credits were about as long as the movie (20 minutes of advertisements and previews before the show; 1 hour and 10 minutes of actual movie footage; and the credits/bloopers/outtakes were still rolling in a dark theatre about 10 minutes after the movie ended) and My Son was too embarrassed to stick around with me.

The good part, is that the movie didn't cost a cent. I used my last movie admission/concession gift certificate for our afternoons entertainment. The bad part, is that it is the worst movie I have ever seen in my life (I am not exaggerating). Do not run to see 'The Superhero Movie' ... and for heavens sake, don't take your 9 year old child!!! I was embarrassed to be a parent with a child in the theatre, but there were other younger viewers there as well. I assume the parents were like me (the previews didn't look promising, but I thought it would be suitable for a young audience ... I was sooooo wrong).

I was still feeling that my unfulfilled vision of finding that folding money was to come true, so I kept my eyes downward for the remainder of our outing. Unfortunately, that is where my story ends.

Oh well. At least we found $2.05. Subtract parking and we came out a nickel ahead of the game.

"Think Positive Thoughts"

This was the dialogue going on in My Second Son's head last night, as he drove to his accountant's to find out the final tally on what he will owe in income tax.

The week that he dropped off his income tax papers and talked to his accountant for the very first time had to be one of his most stressful weeks. 'Work stuff', 'relationship stuff', 'money stuff' ... and to top it all off, he was in an accident that rendered his truck undrivable (but thankfully he and the other driver were fine).

The night of the accident was rough. I could only see the way he looked and hear the way he talked. I was powerless in almost every way. But I guess, if nothing else I was another human being to bounce his words against.

My Second Son is resilient. It seems no matter how dire things look, he picks himself up, takes charge and he confronts whatever 'issue' is at hand.

So, last night as he had the litany of ''Think positive thoughts ... think positive thoughts ..." going through his mind, he would be rewarded once again.

He had saved more than he needed for his taxes and the extra money he saved will cover his truck rental and the deductible portion on his truck repair (and his truck should be ready pretty soon, now).

It was 3 weeks, to the day from his accident that ... once again, things are looking brighter. Actually, he was feeling much better about the outlook on everything within a day or two. Last night, was just the financial relief.

Thinking positive thoughts can never, ever hurt. And who knows? It just may help!

"Think positive thoughts!"

I Think I Can....

"Whether you think you can or think you can't, either way you are right"
-Henry Ford (1863-1947)

The thoughts we think, the internal voice inside of our heads is so very powerful.

Being around kids all day, I have become conscious of the words I speak and try to watch the direction I steer these young minds around me.

"He can't do that, he's too little" is a common refrain. My response to that is, "He can try. If he's too small or not strong enough he might not be able to right now ... but he can still try".

The power of that inner voice is so strong. How often do we talk ourselves out of trying something new because we think we can't?

I have taken a step far, far out of my comfort zone this past week. I am going to gather the information I need to start writing about our family's history. This encompasses getting together with aunts that I don't know really well; travelling a little; sacrificing some that that precious time I have left over at the end of the week; and then offering to put my words out there for others to read.

Scary stuff. But I have been told by people in so many different areas of my life that I should write a book. This 'book' will be other peoples stories. The risk is my interpretation of it and how I present it.

I feel like the little engine that could ... and I am envisioning the point where I am at the top of that hill and going down saying ... "I knew I could ... I knew I could!".