I Miss Me

Waking up to a weekend full of so many thoughts, feelings, ideas and wishes has reminded me of how much I miss "me".

My introvert personality tendencies have me revelling in and losing myself in the COVID world of social distancing and isolation. The Coronavirus is enabling my natural inborn desires which is both wonderful and awful at the same time.

Add working-from-home plus my inclination to catch up on every little single thing I'm working on to this equation and I created a Math Zombie Personality (which is not my best self).

Long ago, I recognized my need for the law and order of a numbers related world to be counteracted with socialization, words, communication and enough quiet to hear myself think.

Decades of working in the banking industry fulfilled most of those needs. The ability to balance to zero was counteracted with the need to provide good customer service. My ability to listen, communicate, act and react in accordance with whoever was in front of me was a very good fit for me. 

My years of daycaring were offset with working at a bank on Saturdays, followed by a part-time bookkeeping job which became full-time. Full-time bookkeeping (all numbers) didn't fulfill my needs and eventually morphed into working as a part-time secretary (all people and words) within the school system. This catapulted me back into my daycaring/bookkeeping role where I was back in a place which was a relatively balanced equation of people, numbers, creativity and writing.

I fell out of balance a week ago when I immersed myself in work. 

I stopped thinking, processing and reflecting life-as-I-know-it. I had nothing to say, no time to say it, no one to say it to and putting this lack of nothingness into the form of a blog post was the end result. 

I took a day off yesterday. Words, thoughts, feelings and the desire to interact with friends and family came to the forefront of my mind again.

I woke up this morning feeling fresh, renewed, revitalized and ready to take on more than numbers.

I felt all these feelings and the sensation of "joy" started oozing out of my pores. I gave myself a mental hug and thought to myself, "I miss ME".

I'm going to indulge myself with whatever the day brings. I cannot wait to see what unfolds today as I create a whimsical day to just be "me". I've missed this ...

It is Time ...

I have become the world's best procrastinator over the course of the past many years.

There are so very many things to be done. So much I would like to have done and behind me. But there are a list of little just-for-me things I would like to do.

Oh, to take the entirety of a weekend to sift through the boxes of memories I have amassed. On more than one occasion recently, I have been reminded of a few keepsakes I have saved over the years and it has ignited a desire to rifle through my memory box to see what I have forgotten.

I want to empty the shelf of photos, photo albums, loose pictures and organize them and amalgamate them into one whole cohesive collection including the pictures and albums I inherited from Mom.

I want to take the time to cull through Mom's boxes of memorabilia. Sort, organize and decide what is excess. When we were going through Mom's collection of belongings, I felt everything was important, a piece of history and a piece of Mom. Perhaps I don't need to keep two decades worth of her calendars to hold onto a few vital dates and notations.

This weekend I wish for will spill over into days. Days on end. Days where one photograph, notation or piece of paper will ignite thoughts I had forgotten. Thus, I don't want to rush the process.

I want to make the time. It is time ...

I'm Ready for a Math Holiday

All I have been doing lately is working. Work. Work. And more work.

In my quest to "catch up", I have discovered that keeping up to date in the bookkeeping world is as elusive as the never-ending-always-feeling-behind-sensation I felt when I worked at a grocery store bakery.

There was seemingly no end to the baking that needed to be packaged, labelled, restocked, then culled. Keeping up with the demand (or lack of) fresh baked goods was an ongoing and endless task. I hated that job. I hate to use the word hate. But I did. There is no satisfaction within a job where you are ALWAYS behind.

Enter the work-from-home scenario I have found myself living these past many months. Catching up was something I could now accomplish now that my bookkeeping work lived with me.

That was an overwhelming and debilitating thought. Until I started tackling one big job at a time. "If only I can get 'this' done. Then I'll be caught up. But I still have to do 'that'. THEN I'll be caught up. But I still have to do 'the other things'. Then the phone or doorbell rings and I have four new pile of things-to-be-done." And so on and so forth.

I have shuffled a few mountains. I have not moved them. I have simply organized them, sorted them by date, created a spreadsheet to compile all information and now my work sits in four piles and a big, cloth grocery bag awaiting answers I need to complete the tasks at hand. So I have moved one mountain into four molehills and one very big hill.

I've been working with numbers day in and day out. I'm ready for a break. Better yet, I'm ready for a cat day. Not much is stressing out our miniature black panthers.

 

The Joy of Working

It has been an incredibly productive week here in my home office. .

I have tended to monthly and quarterly tasks. I have successfully called three different departments at Revenue Canada and not only did I not have to hold, each and every question and concern I had was addressed, answered and solved within a ten to fifteen minute call. 

As I tidied up the clutter of the month, I had time left to work on a few of the lingering jobs that have been taking up space on my work table and in my mind. It is amazing what energy comes from cleaning the work slate on a few levels.

I feel more energetic and I do believe I have the motivation required to get me through one of the bigger tasks I have left to tend. I can envision the space created within my work week once that job is complete. 

I woke up with ambition this morning. The motivation that is bubbling up inside of me is taking me outside my home office door and I am seeing the light.

Since COVID-19 arrived on the scene, I have been doing little more than tending to my own self preservation.

I have not been a supportive friend or family member. I have not been reaching out. I have been hunkering down and managing my own little world.

I have not taken on any COVID projects, big or small. I haven't cleaned a closet. I haven't reorganized our home ... except maybe I did a just a little. The weekend our new book shelves were installed was definitely a Coronavirus highlight. But the weight of the work within my office-with-a-door has been weighing me down and holding me captive to the responsibilities lying in wait.

I have not found time in this "isolation" to dig deep, go quiet, hear my inner voice guiding me where I need to go next. 

We are almost four months in to our changed world and I have yet to feel isolated. 

When stay at home recommendations arose on the scene I thought this was exactly the kind of holiday I have always hoped for. Time off work with no where to be but home. It was a dream come true. Then my work moved in with me and it has taken us four months to establish healthy boundaries and come to terms with each other.

Now that I finally know my roommate a little better, I am finally in a place to settle in and enjoy being home. Just in time for the world to open up again. 

Do you ever feel like you are always ten steps behind the times? Me too. 

Some Assembly Required

I picked up groceries bright and early this morning and felt just a tad overwhelmed at the task set out before me. "What was I thinking? Buying all of these 'ingredients'!" I sighed and thought to myself "Some assembly is required ..."

We have been existing on easy-to-assemble, pre-made, frozen meals much of this COVID season. I patted myself on the back, marveling at how little we were spending on take-out. I could have lived like this forever but I do not live alone.

So I bought some better groceries this time around. Yes, some assembly was required but it will be well worth the effort.

Then I thought of the weekend past. It was definitely a weekend where some assembly was required.

My Middle Son had designed, constructed and delivered a custom bookshelf. But it was not yet in its final destination. Some assembly was required.

I thought the hard part had been done. And it had. But it still took many hours to ensure it would bear the burden of the weight of Mom's library of books. A few adjustments here, there and probably somewhere else. The need to move and re-glue a few pieces of trim. Paint touch ups. Caulking. A top shelf. More painting. Baseboards. It was a full day's work.

After my son finished his part, I had the fun job of filling the shelves. I should have taken a picture of all the bins of books. I just kept sighing ... there were so many books. Yes, I had the fun part. But due to my state of feeling easily overwhelmed lately the task felt daunting at first.

Some assembly was required.

Then I woke up the next morning with my thoughts firing on all cylinders. I could move these books here, those there and the other ones will fit into the completed unit.

Then ... if I could enlist some help, maybe I could empty my office to create the room for the desk and folding table we have downstairs. My Youngest Son accepted the challenge and he was my partner in recreating a renewed office space. More disassembly AND reassembly required.

I shuffled things around until they felt like it created a organized work space. Then I worked for several hours just to test the theory. It felt so incredible to work in this space. I can't believe I didn't do this before.

I have been going through the paces. Marking time. Crossing days off the calendar. Doing what has been required. Earning a pay cheque. Paying bills. Eat, sleep, work, eat some more, watch my current DVD favorite TV series, eat to stay awake, sleep. Rinse. Repeat. Daily.  Nothing was terribly wrong. But nothing was terribly right either.

Then came the weekend where "some assembly was required". Thankful for my sons who did 99% (maybe 100%) of the assembly, I am reaping the benefits.

I am wandering through our home appreciating every nook and cranny. I love the way our home feels. Mom's room has turned out exactly as I had envisioned it. My office is "my room" and it is coming together in a way I can visualize working-from-home as a viable retirement plan.

Sometimes, life does take a little assembly. As a general rule, it is well worth the effort.

The Goldilocks Zone

The party is over and now is time to deal with the excess.

Step one of dealing with the excess food was pretty easy. I issued supper invitations which were clearly labelled "left-overs" so no one came expecting more than was offered. That part was actually quite fun.

Excess exhaustion? That was pretty easy to deal with as well. I parked myself on the lawn swing with a few magazines and a Smirnoff Ice. In no time at all, I was 100% relaxed. The next thing I knew, I was waking up. Part Two was falling into a deep, deep slumber the moment my head hit the pillow last night. It was a sleep-through-a-ringing-phone kind of tired.

Excessive cat hair which amassed while house cleaning got put to the bottom of the list was dealt with before I sat down last night. "You don't want to deal with this in the morning" was my sage advise to myself. I was right.

Excessive spending spiralled out of control when an unexpected car repair got tossed into the mix. My head is spinning with the dollars that have been amassing on my credit card(s). Houston, I think we have a problem.

Excessive thinking? I think my brain finally turned off last night. It felt good to have a thoughtless slumber.

Excessive after-hours-chores? That is a little something I need to incorporate into my daily living. Within reason. I have accomplished a lot around here since our house painters finished their work two weeks ago. There is no reason I can't keep the momentum going. None.

Too much of any one thing is not good. Moderate amounts of all of the above is fine. Groceries, spending, housecleaning, work, worry and leisure. It is all about finding the balance where everything feels in alignment. The Goldilocks Zone. 

Restoring Order

There was a time when I felt I had everything under control. I had a housekeeping routine, I discarded/donated and culled the excess within our home regularly. I cooked, I cleaned and ran a pretty smooth ship around here. Our home was a calm and relaxing world.

Then came the year "2008". It was a year of great change. It was the year after the breakup of who I thought was my "until death do us part" partner.

The years whirl by me after that point. From a manic state of over-drive, to the assembling family histories, to closing my daycare so I could pursue an education, to a few jobs which were my undoing. Which led to the reopening of my daycare.

My energy level never did recover from that time of great change.

I acted and reacted to life. There was much to do, much to be grateful for but that feeling of having everything within our home manageable and under control was lost.

Fast forward to 2019.

It all started with an easy "yes" to replacing the flooring on our entire main floor. Followed by another easy "yes" to start renovating our kitchen. Then hiring a painter ...

The need to shake up our little world has been just what I needed to find my DESIRE to recreate the order I have been missing within these four walls of ours.

I open drawers and want to empty, cull and organize them. As I emptied the top floor into our basement, it was methodical, well thought out, with the idea that "only that which brings me joy" will come back upstairs again.

Our three upstairs bedrooms which have lost their identity will find themselves again throughout this renovation project.

Only that which brings joy will come back upstairs. Only that which brings joy ...

Restoring order is restoring my joy. That is just how I'm wired. I get a small thrill by opening a drawer where everything has a place, is in its place and is hanging out with other items of a similar nature.

I have been lost but now I'm finding my way back home. It's been a long and winding road since I started losing my way. It feels good to be back!