This morning, I was awake before my alarm clock for the first time in as long as I can remember. The last two mornings, I have been in the thick of vivid dreams and a deep REM sleep and slept until 6:15 each of those mornings. Usually the sound of Mike Holmes voice at 6:00 a.m. (I sleep with the TV on, I don't actually sleep with Mike Holmes, just to clarify that issue), jolts me out of bed like no one's business.
The week of early morning walking &/or exercise exhausted me to a new level. I woke up at 4:52 a.m. for a week straight, a month and a half ago and I may just be recovering from that feat. This whole business of "keeping fit" or "just walking" on a regular basis is harder than it sounds.
I know myself. I need to do hard things first thing in the day. If they don't get done then, they don't get done at all. Then again, I savor those quiet early morning hours to enjoy the quiet, read a little, write a little and simply try to listen to the sound of my own heart. I truly thought early morning walks was a way to accomplish both of those things. I was wrong.
Since that little experiment, I have been sleeping in until 6:00 a.m. instead of my usual 5:00 wake up call. One week of early morning exercise resulted in a five week recovery period. If this is what aging looks and feels like, I quit!
I woke up this morning wondering how many more years of "this" I have ahead of me. I'm 55 years old right now. I have decided I have NO desire to live beyond the age of 80. None. Living is expensive and I would much rather make the most of my pension fund and receive a larger monthly payment in lieu of stretching it out so I could live to be 100.
I'm thinking it would be very handy to know my expiration date. I would take the total dollar amount in my pension fund and divide it by the years I have to make it last. Then I would subsidize the high cost of living by making a regular monthly withdrawal so I could lessen my work load for the rest of those years.
The idea of having the opportunity to live the next 35 years of my life waking up to a life I was excited about living would be the best gift I could ever hope for.
I guess that is all in my own hands isn't it? I could wake up each morning dreading the day and counting down the hours until I got to go back to sleep. Or I could challenge myself to make the most out of each day I'm given and simply look for the multitude of small blessings that each day has to offer.
Sharing my daycare days with my son has proven to be a very positive thing. Last night, we stopped and chatted about "what he sees" and his observations about ways I could lighten up and just go with the flow a little more. Helping out two or three hours during my ten hour work day doesn't offer him the same perspective I have but it definitely helps. He is helping me during "peak periods" of activity and I have a drill sergeant mentality as I get kids cleaned, fed, bathroomed and ready for nap time. But even at that, he has actually stated that I do a lot of things "right" (in his opinion).
Sharing my work load, sharing my day and lightening up on what I expect to happen within the day have made a vast difference within my ability to cope the past few days (and most likely contributed to the fact that I can actually wake up with my alarm). Do I want to do this every day for the next 35 years? Not on your life. Can I make the most of the next 5 years, if there is hope of rerouting my life and "career" at that point? I can definitely try.
I do know that life as I am living it must evolve to the point where I'm living to sleep and then living for Sundays. I am 16 days away from a two week vacation. I think what I really need is a holiday. The rest will come.
Showing posts with label physical fitness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label physical fitness. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Monday, June 20, 2016
Move!
My days of "early morning movement" seem to be a thing of the past. The question is: "Can I begin again?" My answer (thus far) has been: "But why?"
I think I was happier when I was moving. Or was I simply delirious from the exhaustion? I thought getting up at 4:52 a.m. was attainable but the early and earlier bedtimes were a hard habit to maintain. Yes, I'll just blame the early bedtimes, that's it.
Last week, I pushed myself out of my quiet little life and found myself smack dab in the middle of a family gathering. I was tried VERY hard to maintain the "confident new self" I have come to know the past decade or so but I FELT so very much like my quiet ten year old self of my childhood.
I came home from that event feeling bruised, beaten and wishing I could "take back the day" and undo every little thing I said or did. It was a blast from my past. It was a rerun from the days when I was a child and said "the wrong thing", then came home and rewound the tape over and over and over again and "rued" my day, my existence and the very fibre of my being.
My bounce-back ability is usually better than this. I am not certain why the elasticity of that ability to regain my composure was missing. Maybe it was lack of sleep?
I had two complete and total days "off" this past weekend. I had so many little things I wanted to accomplish. What did I do? I slept. I slept and slept and then slept some more.
I talked to a few people. I confessed a little bit of what I was feeling. Was I feeling shame? Brenè Brown says shame cannot exist when it is spoken out loud. So I spoke a little. I felt a little bit better. But I still didn't feel "myself". I am starting to feel fearful. What if that girl who gained some confidence and was mostly happy is gone forever??
I woke up still feeling "tired" this morning but I think I'm bouncing back to life. My daycare crowd did not picking up on my negative vibes today so I think my bad vibrations are settling down.
Maybe I should go for a good, long walk. Maybe I should have a good, long talk. Maybe this is just one of those things I have to endure and push myself through the discomfort and through to the other side. I have read that the best way out of a bad mood is to "move". I haven't been moving much, so maybe I should heed that advise.
Compliments of "Project Happiness" ( https://www.facebook.com/projecthappiness/photos/pb.43808911636.-2207520000.1466394388./10153487041561637/?type=3&theater):
“In 2010, the APA finally caught up with Hippocrates, who recommended that all people in a bad mood should go for a walk—and if it did not improve, walk again. Sedentary behavior causes brain impairment, and we know how: by depriving your brain of the flood of neurochemistry that evolution developed in order to grow brains and keep them healthy.” ~John Ratey
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Wake Up Call
This "habit" to keep moving in the mornings is starting to feel hard.
I took off the weekend. I figured two days off, after being true to myself and my promise for six days straight deserved a reward. So I "rewarded" myself and stayed asleep instead of moving.
Then came "Monday". I didn't feel like doing really hard things but I knew it was important to keep moving forward and through the paralysis of inertia. Being "still" is so much easier than waking up and moving. So I turned on a YouTube exercise video and exercised. It was a half hearted attempt but every time I started to beat myself up because I was not putting my whole body and soul into the work at hand, I kept telling myself "This is better than sleeping. You are moving. This is better than being still. This is enough for now."
Then came "this morning". I woke up before my alarm and thought I couldn't do it. I was ready to turn over and go back to sleep when I heard a faint "beep" "beep" "beep" from right outside my bedroom door.
I parked the non-functional exercise bike right outside my door several weeks ago. And there it "slept". Until this morning. "Beep" "Beep" "Beep" it called out. It didn't make one peep the entire time I cleaned, fiddled with and rode it. Silence. Pure and utter silence. Then, the morning I decided that maybe I wasn't so into this whole idea of "moving", it called out to me.
I found where the batteries were located and removed them. Since I was up and about anyway, I decided to find a short Zumba workout on YouTube. It was twenty five minutes. I was tired and lethargic. But I did it. I got up and moved.
I am at a crucial point in forming this new habit. I could quit right now and never look back. Thank goodness for malfunctioning electronics. This mysterious beeping pulled me out of my lethargy and into some form of motion this morning. I may have to do this on my own tomorrow but for today, I am grateful for the wake up call.
I took off the weekend. I figured two days off, after being true to myself and my promise for six days straight deserved a reward. So I "rewarded" myself and stayed asleep instead of moving.
Then came "Monday". I didn't feel like doing really hard things but I knew it was important to keep moving forward and through the paralysis of inertia. Being "still" is so much easier than waking up and moving. So I turned on a YouTube exercise video and exercised. It was a half hearted attempt but every time I started to beat myself up because I was not putting my whole body and soul into the work at hand, I kept telling myself "This is better than sleeping. You are moving. This is better than being still. This is enough for now."
Then came "this morning". I woke up before my alarm and thought I couldn't do it. I was ready to turn over and go back to sleep when I heard a faint "beep" "beep" "beep" from right outside my bedroom door.
I parked the non-functional exercise bike right outside my door several weeks ago. And there it "slept". Until this morning. "Beep" "Beep" "Beep" it called out. It didn't make one peep the entire time I cleaned, fiddled with and rode it. Silence. Pure and utter silence. Then, the morning I decided that maybe I wasn't so into this whole idea of "moving", it called out to me.
I found where the batteries were located and removed them. Since I was up and about anyway, I decided to find a short Zumba workout on YouTube. It was twenty five minutes. I was tired and lethargic. But I did it. I got up and moved.
I am at a crucial point in forming this new habit. I could quit right now and never look back. Thank goodness for malfunctioning electronics. This mysterious beeping pulled me out of my lethargy and into some form of motion this morning. I may have to do this on my own tomorrow but for today, I am grateful for the wake up call.
Friday, June 10, 2016
Steps in a Forward Direction
Ahhh, "hard things" have been done. I have kept my promise to myself and done some "extra curricular moving" six out of the past six days. I have washed my hair. I have done a load of laundry. I have made my son's "sixth last lunch" of his public school career. Now I get to sit down with my coffee and enjoy this early (but late) Friday morning sensation before my daycare crowd starts filing in.
What have I learned this week?
Getting up at 4:52 a.m. is possible and an easy habit to form. This works best if I get to bed around 8:00 p.m. Is this goal attainable on a long term basis if I allow "real life" (i.e. friends and a social life of any sort) to join this move to regain some of my physical fitness?
Washing my hair is still the hardest job I have on my must-be-done list. This is crazy. I would rather mow the lawn than wash my hair. I would rather sift tree debris out of the sand box than wash my hair. I would rather exercise than wash my hair. I would rather clean a closet than wash my hair. I think I need an "easier to maintain" look if I am going to continue down this "fitness" route. Moving in a fashion to challenge my body may require sweating. I hate sweating. It is uncomfortable and icky. And it requires a shower and washing my hair. Yes, I think I need to try to work out some deal with my hair.
Exercise, like writing is FREE. I have expended no extra cash outlay in this challenge to move myself more. Other than an up and coming appointment to get my hair cut (which was going to happen regardless), the only extra expense I can foresee is some hair product to help me manage the mane on my head without spending a half hour taming it into submission.
I am not certain but I am pretty sure that I am feeling happier than I did without this morning goal of pushing myself out of bed with a mission to move. Laying in bed wishing it was Sunday six days out of seven is not a good way to live a life. I haven't wished it to be Sunday morning all week. I haven't given myself enough time to lay and mope about the fact that it is not yet Sunday. I just get out of bed one foot at a time. And move. And this is good.
Has this early morning unclogged my word source? Has it motivated me in any other facets of my life? Am I thinking clearer and more focused? Am I meeting the challenges in my day in a more positive manner?
Rome wasn't built in a day, nor does lasting transition happen by changing one action for six days. But I can say that I can see a slight change for the better in "all of the above".
These are small steps. But they are steps in a forward direction. I just have to keep moving. One step at a time.
What have I learned this week?
Getting up at 4:52 a.m. is possible and an easy habit to form. This works best if I get to bed around 8:00 p.m. Is this goal attainable on a long term basis if I allow "real life" (i.e. friends and a social life of any sort) to join this move to regain some of my physical fitness?
Washing my hair is still the hardest job I have on my must-be-done list. This is crazy. I would rather mow the lawn than wash my hair. I would rather sift tree debris out of the sand box than wash my hair. I would rather exercise than wash my hair. I would rather clean a closet than wash my hair. I think I need an "easier to maintain" look if I am going to continue down this "fitness" route. Moving in a fashion to challenge my body may require sweating. I hate sweating. It is uncomfortable and icky. And it requires a shower and washing my hair. Yes, I think I need to try to work out some deal with my hair.
Exercise, like writing is FREE. I have expended no extra cash outlay in this challenge to move myself more. Other than an up and coming appointment to get my hair cut (which was going to happen regardless), the only extra expense I can foresee is some hair product to help me manage the mane on my head without spending a half hour taming it into submission.
I am not certain but I am pretty sure that I am feeling happier than I did without this morning goal of pushing myself out of bed with a mission to move. Laying in bed wishing it was Sunday six days out of seven is not a good way to live a life. I haven't wished it to be Sunday morning all week. I haven't given myself enough time to lay and mope about the fact that it is not yet Sunday. I just get out of bed one foot at a time. And move. And this is good.
Has this early morning unclogged my word source? Has it motivated me in any other facets of my life? Am I thinking clearer and more focused? Am I meeting the challenges in my day in a more positive manner?
Rome wasn't built in a day, nor does lasting transition happen by changing one action for six days. But I can say that I can see a slight change for the better in "all of the above".
These are small steps. But they are steps in a forward direction. I just have to keep moving. One step at a time.
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Putting on the Miles
I am finally starting to give my Fitbit a little bit of a run for its money. "Walk" may be the better way to phrase that but "movement" is key. I am only three days in but I'm doing it. I'm on the move again.
I started on a Sunday which is a minor miracle in and of itself. Thanks to hearing my sister say (once, most likely twenty or thirty years ago) that she always started [whatever she set out to do] on "Monday". I heard it once and I adopted that motto as my own. That is why starting something on a Sunday is so amazing to me.
It was already warm outside by the time I made my mind up to start moving. But I moved anyway. I called my cousin to see if she would like to join me but (I found out later) she was already out walking her dog (and much smarter than me, because she returned before it got too hot outside). I walked anyway. I set a goal of walking for an hour. And that is exactly what I did.
I vowed there and then that walking when it is cool outside is key. Starting the day out by walking sounded like a perfect habit for me to start. So when my alarm went off at eight minutes before five o'clock Monday morning, I hopped out of bed and was out the door by 5:01 a.m. I was home shortly after 6:00 a.m. and sitting outside with the cats shortly thereafter (they seem to think if I get to go out and play in the morning, they should be able to do the same).
I sat outside, wrote Mom a letter and by the time my daycare day began I felt like I had sufficient "me" time and I was ready, willing and able to face the day. Having done "hard things" first thing in the morning, I seemed to be mentally capable of tacking the day head on and game to add a few more "hard things" onto my plate.
I initiated a little bit of communication and was rewarded with a most excellent visit when one person responded to my email by phoning me. It has been a challenge simply responding to emails and picking up a ringing phone lately, so to actually be the one initiating contact is a very big deal. I stepped outside my comfort zone and invited people in. It is small but it is so big for me right now.
I submitted my columns while the kids slept yesterday and got that monumental task off my plate for another month or so. In doing so, I made the decision to "just keep writing" after all the back and forth and conflicted feelings I have been having about that lately. Not only that, I plan to start amassing some of my writing together in one place and seeing if I can organize it into something interesting.
I culled through my closets (the downfall of moving my bedroom is that I ended up with two closets) on Sunday and ended up with MORE clothes than I started with. How could this happen you ask? That would be due to the fact that my sisters have been dropping off some clothes I may be interested in keeping which has resulted in a rather massive excess. I tried to get rid of as much as I kept but I'm not sure if I succeeded. None the less, I have sorted through my closets and drawers and have two bags of donations left over. Not bad for an hour's work.
I haven't made the time to cull through more than my clothes, though I did fill another big bag with toys that are never played with. Fifteen minutes at a time. Small steps. Steps in a forward direction. Anything at all is better than sitting still and doing nothing.
My "nothing", wind down and recharge time is still vital to my existence. So last night, when I had done all that needed to be done I ceremoniously climbed into my pajamas and fell asleep shortly thereafter. Waking up at 4:52 a.m. requires an early to bed time. My body was happy to comply.
I woke up before my alarm once again this morning and walked another hour before I set my morning routines into action. The cats insisted we sit out in the back yard again and they were happy to entertain me and keep me moving as I tried to convince both of them to come inside at the same time. I would catch one, put him inside then he would dart out and escape the minute I caught his buddy and tried to put him inside. It was a "whack-a-mole" game of Keep Both Cats In the House at the Same Time.
My Fitbit tells me I have logged seventeen miles since Sunday and the day is young. My body felt a little sluggish and tired this morning but the right muscles were complaining. My calf muscles were telling me they were "happy" to be put to use again. I'm gaining a blister on a callus on one of my bunions which could get ugly if I keep pushing it. My hands go numb when I walk so maybe I need to get a little "power walk" thing going, by raising my hands up to my waist level and do the "professional power walker move". My back is feeling weird but goes away when I walk so I guess it is telling me to "walk it off". I am very conscious about the fact I don't want to injure anything. I just want to get moving and get my heart pumping a little faster.
Other than those few minor body ailments, my head is feeling happier and healthier. My thoughts are feeling lighter, more positive and realigned with the stars.
I am only three days in to this minor life renovation but it feels so right, so familiar and so life affirming that I think I can do three more. Motion begets more motion. Action begets further action. Movement in any way, shape or form when you are coming out of a catatonic state of inactivity is a very good step in a forward direction. I'm going to keep following this path. It feels like it is going to head me in the right direction.
I started on a Sunday which is a minor miracle in and of itself. Thanks to hearing my sister say (once, most likely twenty or thirty years ago) that she always started [whatever she set out to do] on "Monday". I heard it once and I adopted that motto as my own. That is why starting something on a Sunday is so amazing to me.
It was already warm outside by the time I made my mind up to start moving. But I moved anyway. I called my cousin to see if she would like to join me but (I found out later) she was already out walking her dog (and much smarter than me, because she returned before it got too hot outside). I walked anyway. I set a goal of walking for an hour. And that is exactly what I did.
I vowed there and then that walking when it is cool outside is key. Starting the day out by walking sounded like a perfect habit for me to start. So when my alarm went off at eight minutes before five o'clock Monday morning, I hopped out of bed and was out the door by 5:01 a.m. I was home shortly after 6:00 a.m. and sitting outside with the cats shortly thereafter (they seem to think if I get to go out and play in the morning, they should be able to do the same).
I sat outside, wrote Mom a letter and by the time my daycare day began I felt like I had sufficient "me" time and I was ready, willing and able to face the day. Having done "hard things" first thing in the morning, I seemed to be mentally capable of tacking the day head on and game to add a few more "hard things" onto my plate.
I initiated a little bit of communication and was rewarded with a most excellent visit when one person responded to my email by phoning me. It has been a challenge simply responding to emails and picking up a ringing phone lately, so to actually be the one initiating contact is a very big deal. I stepped outside my comfort zone and invited people in. It is small but it is so big for me right now.
I submitted my columns while the kids slept yesterday and got that monumental task off my plate for another month or so. In doing so, I made the decision to "just keep writing" after all the back and forth and conflicted feelings I have been having about that lately. Not only that, I plan to start amassing some of my writing together in one place and seeing if I can organize it into something interesting.
I culled through my closets (the downfall of moving my bedroom is that I ended up with two closets) on Sunday and ended up with MORE clothes than I started with. How could this happen you ask? That would be due to the fact that my sisters have been dropping off some clothes I may be interested in keeping which has resulted in a rather massive excess. I tried to get rid of as much as I kept but I'm not sure if I succeeded. None the less, I have sorted through my closets and drawers and have two bags of donations left over. Not bad for an hour's work.
I haven't made the time to cull through more than my clothes, though I did fill another big bag with toys that are never played with. Fifteen minutes at a time. Small steps. Steps in a forward direction. Anything at all is better than sitting still and doing nothing.
My "nothing", wind down and recharge time is still vital to my existence. So last night, when I had done all that needed to be done I ceremoniously climbed into my pajamas and fell asleep shortly thereafter. Waking up at 4:52 a.m. requires an early to bed time. My body was happy to comply.
I woke up before my alarm once again this morning and walked another hour before I set my morning routines into action. The cats insisted we sit out in the back yard again and they were happy to entertain me and keep me moving as I tried to convince both of them to come inside at the same time. I would catch one, put him inside then he would dart out and escape the minute I caught his buddy and tried to put him inside. It was a "whack-a-mole" game of Keep Both Cats In the House at the Same Time.
My Fitbit tells me I have logged seventeen miles since Sunday and the day is young. My body felt a little sluggish and tired this morning but the right muscles were complaining. My calf muscles were telling me they were "happy" to be put to use again. I'm gaining a blister on a callus on one of my bunions which could get ugly if I keep pushing it. My hands go numb when I walk so maybe I need to get a little "power walk" thing going, by raising my hands up to my waist level and do the "professional power walker move". My back is feeling weird but goes away when I walk so I guess it is telling me to "walk it off". I am very conscious about the fact I don't want to injure anything. I just want to get moving and get my heart pumping a little faster.
Other than those few minor body ailments, my head is feeling happier and healthier. My thoughts are feeling lighter, more positive and realigned with the stars.
I am only three days in to this minor life renovation but it feels so right, so familiar and so life affirming that I think I can do three more. Motion begets more motion. Action begets further action. Movement in any way, shape or form when you are coming out of a catatonic state of inactivity is a very good step in a forward direction. I'm going to keep following this path. It feels like it is going to head me in the right direction.
Then I came home to find my Tuesday morning email from "Project Happiness" sitting in my Inbox. How incredibly fitting.
What matters most is the spirit of the work. How are you spending your time? Is the way you're living your days in line with what's most important to you in your life?
"Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good." ~Minor Myer
"Go into the world and do well. But more importantly, go into the world and do good." ~Minor Myer
Saturday, June 4, 2016
Letter to Self (from a Sixty Year Old Me)
Dear Fifty Five Year Old You,
I am writing this letter to you four and a half years in advance of you turning sixty years old. I am writing it to you this morning because I'm a little disgusted and disappointed in "55 Year Old You" and I think you need a good talking to. This may not be pretty. You have been warned.
I am very disappointed in you lately. If I didn't know who you were and where you have been, I would call you a "quitter". Heavens, I can't even call you a quitter because lately you have been too afraid, paralyzed &/or lazy to even start anything.
I know, I know. Once you start, you feel committed. Once you feel committed to something, you start beating yourself up. Relentlessly. You think you can't start something because you don't have a whole big chunk of time to devote to the job. So you don't start anything.
This has got to end. You know that. You know the answer is to simply take small bites out of big jobs and whittle away at them. You know this! Why aren't you acting on it? I know, I know! You are tired. Your daycare days are long. Your weekends are short. How can you do "big things" when you have so little left over at the end of the day?
If you keep this up, by the time you hit the age of sixty you will want to abandon this ship and this home you have created because there is always "too much to do". Isn't this home everything you ever wanted? Hasn't this house enabled you to work from home and adapted to whatever you wanted it to do for you? Hasn't the ability to pay "interest only" on your mortgage allowed you to pay your bills, live a comfortable life and given you more financial freedom than renting an apartment could ever afford you?
This house is so much more than a roof over your head. It sustains you. It shelters you from the harsh elements of life in so many ways more than the weather. Respect it, take care of it, pamper it a little from time to time and it will continue to be there for you. And please, please, please try to pay it off!
Speaking of houses, I have no idea why I started this rant about "where you are" and "where I want you to go" with the house. I should have started with this body that is going to carry us from Point A to Point B. If I think you've let the house that shelters us go to pot, what in the world do you think I think about the way you are treating our body? How in the world is this vessel going to weather stormy weather if you don't smarten up and take better care of it?
As it is with the house, it is with our body. Start small. Rome wasn't built in a day. Fifteen minutes isn't long. Start there. Fifteen minutes of extra curricular movement. Yes, I know you think your daycare life is keeping you from turning to stone. But it isn't challenging you. You need to stretch and move and lift and get your heart pumping faster. You know this. But you aren't doing anything about it.
Start with an early morning walk. Rain or shine or sleet or hail. Walk. Just walk! Remember how awesome you felt when you took on those early morning paper routes? Walking the streets of your neighborhood while "the world" slept? You marvelled at the Northern lights, the glistening snow, the sounds of silence and nature. You thought. The words flowed in and out and through you. You came home revitalized, energized and motivated. You loved that time. Skip the paper route, take on the walks. Start there. Add and change things up as you go along. But you must BEGIN. You must. Your life depends upon it.
While I'm at it, you must nourish yourself with good food. What you feed your body fuels your brain and your brain is acting starved lately. Give it some good, solid fuel to work with and you may be amazed that your ability to think, act decisively and "do hard things". This is half the work you thought it was when you were spending your life binge watching the Gilmore Girls on the couch, with a can of Pringles at your side. Replace the Pringles with almonds. Make good meals and you may be amazed that you may fuel the appetite of others. "If you make it they will come."
I've sat back and watched you wither yourself away into a shadow of who you are capable of being. You do not have to do great things at all times but you do need to follow your passions. When you deny yourself the ability to dream big and chase a few of those dreams you become small and your world becomes smaller. You know your world is shrinking. You think you like this feeling right now. I want you to look outside of your smallness and do uncomfortable things again. Invite people into your life.
You need to look out the window and let the world inside. You are lonely and you don't even know it. You think you don't have enough of yourself to spread out any thinner than you already are. You have been here before and you will be here again. Writing is where it is at for you. If you are too tired, too fearful and too stuck in your ruts, WRITE! Send emails, letters, cards and write little notes to those who have made an impact. Write! Write! Write! This is the way out of your small world. It is a beginning.
Judging by the dreams you have been having lately, you are feeling very aware of Mom's mortality. In some ways, you feel like you are "channelling Mom" in the ways you have slowed yourself down, felt overly attached to this house and subconsciously made your world such a small one. I think you are trying to understand exactly what she is feeling by mirroring her world within your own. STOP IT! Stop it right now!! Instead, focus on "who Mom was" when she was the age you are at right now.
When Mom was this age, she was faced with her new reality after Dad's heart attack. He never came home again. I think of Mom when she was going through that time and she was strong. She simply kept taking the next forward step during a time where she must have felt completely in limbo. We marvelled at how young Mom was at age 65 and all the memories her grandchildren had of their very untypical grandma. Yes, Mom was (and still is) a force to be reckoned with. Her family and her home were (and still are) everything to her. Yes, she has slowed down. Yes, her body is starting to wear out. No, she will not live forever. That scares you, doesn't it? Ya, me too.
We don't know what life is going to hand us in between "now" and "five years from now". You simply cannot spend your time focused on that uncertainty. Take the lessons you learned from "loving André" and pay them forward.
You are at a crossroads right now. Your children are adults and on their way. Some are further down the road than others but never forget how you feel towards your own Mom because that feeling is one you want to nurture with your own children. We have a good, solid foundation. Just keep building.
You have some amazing friendships and relationships within your world. Don't neglect them. Even when you think you don't have time, you can always make time to send off a note or card or email. Keep those connections alive. They nourish and sustain you.
Take a chance. One chance at a time. You have become a shell of who you used to be. You know it. You are disappointed in yourself right now but this is not the end of your story. Even though (at the moment) you wouldn't care if it was.
Yes, you are tired. You are tired because you are not involved in creating your own story. You are sitting dormant, waiting for life to happen. When "life happens" it is like a slap on the face. You react. You feel indignant. You recoil then rebound. You always rebound. How about not waiting for a "slap in the face" this time? You have the power to live life out loud without being slapped into it.
Feed your body, mind and soul with fresh air, good food and positive input.
Walk. START by walking.
Write. Never stop writing. It is where you find your answers, your inspiration and your dreams.
Love. Open your heart up and take a chance again.
I want to read these words in four and a half years and say "YES! YES!! and YES!!!". I did it. I made changes. I pushed myself out of that rut and into a new and improved one. Most of all I want you to believe "Life does go on regardless of how you live it. Live it well!"
See you in the future my weary friend. You have everything you need inside of you. And if it isn't inside of you, it is here within your home, your heart and those who touch your world. Stay connected, my friend. Stop, look, listen with your heart. You will find your way. You aren't lost. You just haven't found the right highway yet.
You will find your Field of Dreams, my friend. "If you build it, they will come" ...
To be continued.
I am writing this letter to you four and a half years in advance of you turning sixty years old. I am writing it to you this morning because I'm a little disgusted and disappointed in "55 Year Old You" and I think you need a good talking to. This may not be pretty. You have been warned.
I am very disappointed in you lately. If I didn't know who you were and where you have been, I would call you a "quitter". Heavens, I can't even call you a quitter because lately you have been too afraid, paralyzed &/or lazy to even start anything.
I know, I know. Once you start, you feel committed. Once you feel committed to something, you start beating yourself up. Relentlessly. You think you can't start something because you don't have a whole big chunk of time to devote to the job. So you don't start anything.
This has got to end. You know that. You know the answer is to simply take small bites out of big jobs and whittle away at them. You know this! Why aren't you acting on it? I know, I know! You are tired. Your daycare days are long. Your weekends are short. How can you do "big things" when you have so little left over at the end of the day?
If you keep this up, by the time you hit the age of sixty you will want to abandon this ship and this home you have created because there is always "too much to do". Isn't this home everything you ever wanted? Hasn't this house enabled you to work from home and adapted to whatever you wanted it to do for you? Hasn't the ability to pay "interest only" on your mortgage allowed you to pay your bills, live a comfortable life and given you more financial freedom than renting an apartment could ever afford you?
This house is so much more than a roof over your head. It sustains you. It shelters you from the harsh elements of life in so many ways more than the weather. Respect it, take care of it, pamper it a little from time to time and it will continue to be there for you. And please, please, please try to pay it off!
Speaking of houses, I have no idea why I started this rant about "where you are" and "where I want you to go" with the house. I should have started with this body that is going to carry us from Point A to Point B. If I think you've let the house that shelters us go to pot, what in the world do you think I think about the way you are treating our body? How in the world is this vessel going to weather stormy weather if you don't smarten up and take better care of it?
As it is with the house, it is with our body. Start small. Rome wasn't built in a day. Fifteen minutes isn't long. Start there. Fifteen minutes of extra curricular movement. Yes, I know you think your daycare life is keeping you from turning to stone. But it isn't challenging you. You need to stretch and move and lift and get your heart pumping faster. You know this. But you aren't doing anything about it.
Start with an early morning walk. Rain or shine or sleet or hail. Walk. Just walk! Remember how awesome you felt when you took on those early morning paper routes? Walking the streets of your neighborhood while "the world" slept? You marvelled at the Northern lights, the glistening snow, the sounds of silence and nature. You thought. The words flowed in and out and through you. You came home revitalized, energized and motivated. You loved that time. Skip the paper route, take on the walks. Start there. Add and change things up as you go along. But you must BEGIN. You must. Your life depends upon it.
While I'm at it, you must nourish yourself with good food. What you feed your body fuels your brain and your brain is acting starved lately. Give it some good, solid fuel to work with and you may be amazed that your ability to think, act decisively and "do hard things". This is half the work you thought it was when you were spending your life binge watching the Gilmore Girls on the couch, with a can of Pringles at your side. Replace the Pringles with almonds. Make good meals and you may be amazed that you may fuel the appetite of others. "If you make it they will come."
I've sat back and watched you wither yourself away into a shadow of who you are capable of being. You do not have to do great things at all times but you do need to follow your passions. When you deny yourself the ability to dream big and chase a few of those dreams you become small and your world becomes smaller. You know your world is shrinking. You think you like this feeling right now. I want you to look outside of your smallness and do uncomfortable things again. Invite people into your life.
You need to look out the window and let the world inside. You are lonely and you don't even know it. You think you don't have enough of yourself to spread out any thinner than you already are. You have been here before and you will be here again. Writing is where it is at for you. If you are too tired, too fearful and too stuck in your ruts, WRITE! Send emails, letters, cards and write little notes to those who have made an impact. Write! Write! Write! This is the way out of your small world. It is a beginning.
Judging by the dreams you have been having lately, you are feeling very aware of Mom's mortality. In some ways, you feel like you are "channelling Mom" in the ways you have slowed yourself down, felt overly attached to this house and subconsciously made your world such a small one. I think you are trying to understand exactly what she is feeling by mirroring her world within your own. STOP IT! Stop it right now!! Instead, focus on "who Mom was" when she was the age you are at right now.
When Mom was this age, she was faced with her new reality after Dad's heart attack. He never came home again. I think of Mom when she was going through that time and she was strong. She simply kept taking the next forward step during a time where she must have felt completely in limbo. We marvelled at how young Mom was at age 65 and all the memories her grandchildren had of their very untypical grandma. Yes, Mom was (and still is) a force to be reckoned with. Her family and her home were (and still are) everything to her. Yes, she has slowed down. Yes, her body is starting to wear out. No, she will not live forever. That scares you, doesn't it? Ya, me too.
We don't know what life is going to hand us in between "now" and "five years from now". You simply cannot spend your time focused on that uncertainty. Take the lessons you learned from "loving André" and pay them forward.
- SAVOR THE MOMENT. Always.
- Make memories, document them. Take pictures, but write. ALWAYS WRITE!
- Let your love shine. Your actions speak louder than words. ACT LOVINGLY.
- Let others know how you feel. SPREAD THE POSITIVE. One positive word goes a long way.
- You will never regret what you have done. DO ALL YOU ARE CAPABLE OF DOING.
You are at a crossroads right now. Your children are adults and on their way. Some are further down the road than others but never forget how you feel towards your own Mom because that feeling is one you want to nurture with your own children. We have a good, solid foundation. Just keep building.
You have some amazing friendships and relationships within your world. Don't neglect them. Even when you think you don't have time, you can always make time to send off a note or card or email. Keep those connections alive. They nourish and sustain you.
Take a chance. One chance at a time. You have become a shell of who you used to be. You know it. You are disappointed in yourself right now but this is not the end of your story. Even though (at the moment) you wouldn't care if it was.
Yes, you are tired. You are tired because you are not involved in creating your own story. You are sitting dormant, waiting for life to happen. When "life happens" it is like a slap on the face. You react. You feel indignant. You recoil then rebound. You always rebound. How about not waiting for a "slap in the face" this time? You have the power to live life out loud without being slapped into it.
Feed your body, mind and soul with fresh air, good food and positive input.
Walk. START by walking.
Write. Never stop writing. It is where you find your answers, your inspiration and your dreams.
Love. Open your heart up and take a chance again.
I want to read these words in four and a half years and say "YES! YES!! and YES!!!". I did it. I made changes. I pushed myself out of that rut and into a new and improved one. Most of all I want you to believe "Life does go on regardless of how you live it. Live it well!"
See you in the future my weary friend. You have everything you need inside of you. And if it isn't inside of you, it is here within your home, your heart and those who touch your world. Stay connected, my friend. Stop, look, listen with your heart. You will find your way. You aren't lost. You just haven't found the right highway yet.
You will find your Field of Dreams, my friend. "If you build it, they will come" ...
To be continued.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Challenged
I met up with my very own personal "personal trainer" this past weekend. I told her my plight. I need to get this tired, squeaky, out-of-shape body moving again but I have many little quirks going on and I need to be careful I don't damage my feet, neck, back and joints in the process.
My friend listened to my tales of woe about my excuses about why I have all but stopped moving. I know most of my idleness is completely my own choosing and I'm grateful my daycare "career" keeps me moving as much as I do (bookkeeping on a full-time basis would have seized me up completely). But I know I need to push myself harder than I do.
At the end of my weekend, I was given three challenges:
At the end of my first day back, I asked my son to help me move the exercise bike downstairs. I tried it out while it was still outside and though I was sceptical that it worked properly, I thought it worked good enough to make the move.
I adjusted the seat, cleaned it up and hopped onto it for a ride to no where. No where is a tedious destination when you have nothing to challenge you and are sitting on a very uncomfortable bike seat to boot. I couldn't adjust the tension, but I could adjust my speed. I would try to go fast for a while then just try to keep pedalling. There were some numbers that may have been calculating my speed but they were hard to see and they didn't make sense.
I believe I gave the bike twenty minutes before I "filed" it away for another day (lifetime). Thoughts of "I think I could advertise this for "FREE" on Kijiji and get it out of my sight" coursed through my mind.
I woke up to "yesterday" knowing that if I didn't go for a walk first thing in the morning, it was highly unlikely it would happen at all. It didn't happen.
I walked through yesterday physically, mentally and emotionally drained. It was the hardest "daycare day" I've had in a while. I don't know if it was my exhaustion level that did me in or if it was the kids. I think it was mine. I went out and bought a confused concoction of groceries last night (a little bit healthy and a little bit junk-laden), picked up a filet-o-fish meal with an iced coffee (so I could stay awake long enough to watch the Dancing With the Stars finale of course!) and sickened myself on part of a can of Pringles afterwards. My stomach woke me up in the middle of the night telling me "That was a VERY bad idea!"
I woke up this morning feeling defeated but I realized that I am only three days into this week-long challenge so it isn't too late to jump back on the exercise bike and try again.
The idea of pushing myself out of my comfort zone was so much easier when I was driving towards my destination last weekend. Having already pushed myself out the door and onto a relatively uncharted highway, I was feeling invincible. The closer I got to home on my return trip, the more fearful and closed down I began to feel.
I woke up the next morning wanting to hide in my little cocoon for a while.
I was giving three very attainable challenges. I feel like I'm losing the battle. If yesterday was any indication of how awful the transition from the "old me" into the "potential newer me" is going to go, I'm not too motivated to continue.
I need to break out of some old patterns and habits and step onto a new and improved "highway" to get where I most need to go. It may be like the unmarked highway I couldn't find at the onset of last weekend. It IS there. I just have to seek it out and start travelling.
My friend listened to my tales of woe about my excuses about why I have all but stopped moving. I know most of my idleness is completely my own choosing and I'm grateful my daycare "career" keeps me moving as much as I do (bookkeeping on a full-time basis would have seized me up completely). But I know I need to push myself harder than I do.
At the end of my weekend, I was given three challenges:
- Go for a good, long walk (she recommended walking on our riverbank trails) three times a week. Walks with the kids don't count.
- Bring my donated exercise bike in from the garage and watch TV while I cycle twice a week.
- Do one thing that pushes me out of my comfort zone .
At the end of my first day back, I asked my son to help me move the exercise bike downstairs. I tried it out while it was still outside and though I was sceptical that it worked properly, I thought it worked good enough to make the move.
I adjusted the seat, cleaned it up and hopped onto it for a ride to no where. No where is a tedious destination when you have nothing to challenge you and are sitting on a very uncomfortable bike seat to boot. I couldn't adjust the tension, but I could adjust my speed. I would try to go fast for a while then just try to keep pedalling. There were some numbers that may have been calculating my speed but they were hard to see and they didn't make sense.
I believe I gave the bike twenty minutes before I "filed" it away for another day (lifetime). Thoughts of "I think I could advertise this for "FREE" on Kijiji and get it out of my sight" coursed through my mind.
I woke up to "yesterday" knowing that if I didn't go for a walk first thing in the morning, it was highly unlikely it would happen at all. It didn't happen.
I walked through yesterday physically, mentally and emotionally drained. It was the hardest "daycare day" I've had in a while. I don't know if it was my exhaustion level that did me in or if it was the kids. I think it was mine. I went out and bought a confused concoction of groceries last night (a little bit healthy and a little bit junk-laden), picked up a filet-o-fish meal with an iced coffee (so I could stay awake long enough to watch the Dancing With the Stars finale of course!) and sickened myself on part of a can of Pringles afterwards. My stomach woke me up in the middle of the night telling me "That was a VERY bad idea!"
I woke up this morning feeling defeated but I realized that I am only three days into this week-long challenge so it isn't too late to jump back on the exercise bike and try again.
The idea of pushing myself out of my comfort zone was so much easier when I was driving towards my destination last weekend. Having already pushed myself out the door and onto a relatively uncharted highway, I was feeling invincible. The closer I got to home on my return trip, the more fearful and closed down I began to feel.
I woke up the next morning wanting to hide in my little cocoon for a while.
I was giving three very attainable challenges. I feel like I'm losing the battle. If yesterday was any indication of how awful the transition from the "old me" into the "potential newer me" is going to go, I'm not too motivated to continue.
I need to break out of some old patterns and habits and step onto a new and improved "highway" to get where I most need to go. It may be like the unmarked highway I couldn't find at the onset of last weekend. It IS there. I just have to seek it out and start travelling.
Friday, May 20, 2016
Unhappy Feet
As I started to ready myself for my mini-getaway this weekend, I thought I had better pack some good walking shoes. This trip originated because I asked my friend, who is a newly certified personal trainer, if she would like to take on the challenge of being my personal trainer. Thus, our plans were set in motion.
Since that time, I have thought about trying to become more active.
My handyman donated an exercise bike and left it in the garage for me. Too bad it is too heavy for me to move inside, otherwise I'm sure I would have jumped right on that (NOT!!).
I have researched (once) a good exercise regimen for a beginner. I didn't even get to the videos. The mere act of looking up the information was too exhausting for me.
I thought I should take up walking in the morning in lieu of writing. I want to quit my columns before I do that. The onus of "having to write" keeps me feeling committed to this quiet writing time in the morning.
I have thought a lot of thoughts. But I haven't done a thing.
I wear out easily these days. I'm quite certain that has a lot to do with the fact that I don't push myself any more. If I'm tired, I quit. If I'm bored, I quit. If I'm frustrated, I quit. I quit before I start something. I have turned into such a quitter.
Why has this happened?
My last noble attempt at physical fitness was taking on a flyer route. I pushed myself, thinking it was for the better good. But I pushed myself in the wrong ways. I carried too many papers at a time because I didn't want to waste time coming back home to reload. I think I compacted the discs in my spine. My back hasn't been the same since the Year of the Flyer Route. Winter was terrible on my thumbs. The repetitive action of always having a paper in each hand seemed to "lock" my thumbs and I now have arthritis in my thumbs.
I thought my "symptoms" would disappear after I quit that job. It has been three years now and I can still feel the lingering effects.
I used to have a passion for "Zumba". Then I started getting corns on my toes. The only effective way I found to get rid of those corns was to go to a podiatrist. My podiatrist quit and I searched high and low for another one who could accommodate my work schedule. Not only could I not find one, every single place I called had at least a two month waiting list. There was no "squeezing me in" during my summer holiday last year. Needless to say, I booked an appointment well in advance of this year's summer holiday.
When your feet don't work, you are in trouble. So I started babying my feet. These are the only two feet I have and we have a lot more miles to travel.
I quit dancing for many reasons, but the last time I wore my dance shoes was "it". My feet ached before I took my first step on the dance floor. Every single step was pure torture.
I quit exercising for many reasons. Two of them were my feet. Then there was the knee thing that started happening while I was addicted to my WiFit program. Not to mention the shoulder thing that I went to physiotherapy to "fix" and after I did the prescribed exercises wrong, I messed up my neck. It has never fully recovered.
I'm afraid to push my body for fear that I will break it. My body isn't fixing itself the way it used to and it frightens me a little bit. It is a double edged sword. I need to get my body moving and more physically fit, to ensure it lasts until my work here is done. I need to push my limits, but when I have done so in the past I have injured myself in minor ways.
This has been my excuse for too long now. When I write a letter to my future self, I want to tell her "I hope you jumped on the physical fitness train and got yourself moving again!" I have been too complacent for too long. Enough is enough already.
I found a pair of running shoes from my Zumba days and parked them beside the back door. I will pack up my shoes and take them for a spin. I will talk with my very own Personal Trainer and ask for her advise. "How does a worn out body begin again?"
I stepped into my fiftieth year full of pep, ambition and desire to push my limits. I'm half way through this decade and I feel like half the person I was at the onset. I plan to write a letter to my sixty year old self and tell her what I hope she has accomplished between now and then.
I stopped and took a look at the shoes I have amassed by the back door this morning. This is ridiculous. I have a new and used version of my two pairs of "go to shoes" for all occasions. I have slip on shoes for when I run outside for a minute. I pulled out my sandals that accommodate my orthotics because recently my bunions have been aching at the end of a day in bare feet and sandals. This is what I found:
Me, the girl who scoffs at those who "need a closet for their shoes" in all the home renovation shows needs her very own "shoe storage system"!
It's time to get moving again and wear out a pair of shoes for all the right reasons. I hope my feet are up to the challenge.
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