Going With the Flow

The words "going with the flow" came to me this morning so I searched my own blog and (surprise, surprise!) I have already written what I want to say. Here is a throwback from the year 2008. I could update and add onto what I've already written to prove the point but this says it all:

SUNDAY, MAY 4, 2008

Going With the Current

Yesterday, the message of the day in "The Secret" calendar was about when you are trying to make something happen, it feels like you are going against the current in a river. And when you are ''acting to receive from the Universe'', you will feel as if you are flowing with the current of the river.

I have noticed that time and time again in my lifetime. There are times when you follow your heart, your instinct, your calling or whatever. And everything unfolds perfectly. As if you were following a well choreographed plan.

Other times, you make a decision and it feels as though there are road blocks at every turn. Nothing goes as planned and it's like you are fighting a losing battle.

When I decided to move my family out to Saskatoon, it was one of those times when absolutely everything unfolded perfectly.

I got the first job I applied for; I found a place to live without any effort; everyone in my life was totally supportive of the move. The time and place were right. And as if that wasn't enough of a sign, I have my ''red dart story'' ...

When I moved out here, I had next to no belongings to take with me. So Mom packed up things from her house to help to make a home out of our new place. She sent a variety of belongings out with me. And one thing that she sent, was a dart board and darts. Now, you would really have to know Mom and how every game in our house had all of its parts and pieces; every puzzle had every piece in the box and anything at home was taken care of. The dart board she sent with me was missing one red dart. That, unto itself was unusual and unheard of. But what was totally amazing, is that when we moved into our new townhouse here ... stuck in the wall of the totally empty basement was ... a red dart. This sends tingles up my spine to think of this again. It was the final sign of how this move was 'meant to be'.

When I decided to try to support myself by babysitting and take a giant leap of faith to leave a fully secure job, it was exactly the same thing. I asked for a years leave of absence so I could see if I could manage to live off what I could earn. And I was granted that. When the year was up, I asked if I could work on Saturdays (to keep my options open and my foot in the door) and that wish was granted as well. Time and time again, I have run into 'tests of my faith' in the babysitting world. The income you earn when you babysit is unreliable and changes like the wind. And every time I was at a crossroads where I wondered which way I should go ... it never failed. As soon as I made the commitment within myself to stick with the babysitting, something would happen to make it financially feasible again. This has happened so many times that I have lost count. It was as though all I had to do was 'believe' and the rest unfolded as it was meant to be. It was like going with the current of the river.

Today, I have felt and been reminded of this positive flow once again ...

My aunts and Mom got together and thanked me for putting the book together with/for them. This entire Book Process has been like riding along with the flow of that river. As soon as I made the decision to follow through and actually do this, everything fell into place. Nothing was working against me (though I did have my challenges getting to know Microsoft Word!!). It astounds and amazes me just how all I really had to do was 'go with the flow', and the book took care of itself.

Now, this sounds off topic but it really isn't ...

I have been actively searching for a better home for our dog this past while. It wasn't happening easily, and then I read this quote in "The Secret." I told myself that if it felt like I was 'going against the current' that maybe I just had to believe this was happening for a reason and not to fight it. My heart wasn't in that thought though, because I knew that our dog really deserved a more loving and attentive home. I was getting so easily angered with his barking and his recent habit of digging up some new sod.

Then ... today, it happened.

A friend of a friend had just decided that they wanted to adopt an older dog and had gone to the SPCA without their kids to look around. Amazingly, the SPCA didn't have any older dogs and then my friend called her and mentioned our dog that we were trying to find a home for. Everything seemed to be working against us meeting up together this weekend, but I ended up leaving my key with my friend just in case they wanted to come and meet "Mike" while we were gone.

Well, sure enough. It was 'love at first sight'. She called me tonight and asked when they could pick him up. We talked for quite a while and I told her all about Mike, why we got him and why we are looking for a new home for him, his personality and habits (bad and good). She told me their story ... and it just feels like a match made in heaven.

He is such a good dog. But he is so neglected here. And he is going to a home with a 5 and 10 year old boys (I think) who are so excited about this. Mike adores being adored. And he lavishes his love on any willing recipient. And he loves kids.

We're 'going with the flow' once again....

I Tripped Over a Cat

I am going to have a lovely gash on the side of my arm thanks to tripping over the dead weight of a stationary cat on the way to making my coffee this morning.

I noticed the shredded skin on the side of the counter before I felt the impact on my arm. All I could think at the time is "This is going to make a good story!" if anyone asks what happened to my arm.

It is truly no wonder why children are eager to show people their bumps and bruises. They are living proof they survived a trauma and lived to talk about it.

My thoughts drifted towards the conversations I've had this week. How many of those chats entailed stories of life's obstacles and the journey of coming out the other side? Most of them ...

No matter what you wake up to this morning, my you find comfort in the thought that overcoming hurdles, no matter how trivial or monumental they feel at the time, will make for a good story one day.

Everyone has a story. May your story be a good one!

Removing Obstacles

It was a holiday I didn't know I needed until I walked back into life-as-I-know it.

A writing workshop gave me the tools I need to make the most out of my life outside of work. I rekindled friendships and family connections. This holiday has sparked the idea of "next time" ...

I went back to work yesterday and I started filling out my application for a passport this morning.

The passport will be good for ten years. I just want to make it easy to say "yes" to whatever opportunity presents itself next.

My default answer has become "No, but thank you for asking". I have been grateful for the obstacles that assisted me in declining invitations. Applying for a passport is one step in a positive direction. Saying "yes" is still a little daunting to me. But I think I'm ready to remove one of the obstacles I have fallen back on many times.

What can you do NOW, to make it easier to say "yes" to the next invitation life may present you? One small step in a forward direction is a very good step to take.

Wrinkles

If ever there was a morning that went completely awry, this would be it.

I was awake for the day by 5 a.m.; out of bed by 5:30; no cats were sleeping in this morning so I stripped the bed and washed sheets; I showered; I tended to all my morning chores and thought I was so ahead of the game I would be out the door bright and early.

Then came the wrinkles.

Forty five minutes on the phone with our home security company. I transferred money to the wrong account. I looked out the window to admire our freshly stained deck boards and the morning dew made it appear it may need to be restained (?!?); I had trouble signing into all of my financial accounts ...

Nothing major. Just lots of little wrinkles in the system.

After all is said and done, I accomplished a lot this morning. Wrinkles and all. So much so, that I am wondering if I should go away for this unexpectedly free weekend.

Looks good at a distance but ...

... close up is up for debate.

Here is hoping now that all the wrinkles have been ironed out in my day this far, I can enjoy some smooth sailing at work. I'm so ready for that.

Detours

As easy as my Wednesday morning unfolded, my Thursday morning was filled with detours. Nothing was simple, every step I took led to a diversion, an extra task and all I did to ensure the morning played out according to plan went awry.

I walked into work a half hour later than I hoped to arrive and my boss had had a morning full of detours which took her down an unplanned path. My deviations were simply annoying and time consuming. Hers were more challenging.

It didn't stop there. My home life crossed the boundary I have in place at work. Minor things but things that needed to be tended. Even as I tried to help my boss out with her troubles, nothing went easily.

Finally, finally, finally the day started to take shape. I was getting things done. I had a little extra time to start working on payroll and then the road blocks started blocking my path again.

One thing led to another. Then another. It shattered my confidence and I took a few steps backward to ensure things hadn't gone awry earlier than I had noticed. Thankfully it hadn't. It was an isolated incident infected with more than one error. I could fix this ...

Then the phone rang. It was an important call but it was so terribly timed. I didn't have time to see this through.

I hung up the phone and I was late for my next job. I called to say I was on my way. In response, I was told to take my time. So I asked for one half hour. A half hour wasn't enough, but it was enough to get a handle on a day that had gone wrong in ten minutes or less.

Thankfully, that is where my story ends. All went according to plan from that point forward. The half hour I was late for my second job was offset by a set of circumstances which had led to an extra half hour a few days prior. It all works out in the end ...

Life is like that sometimes. It doesn't matter how hard you try to plan something, all it takes is one (or two or twelve) thing to step in your direct path to success and it leads you down an unintended fork in the road.

Sometimes, a deviation to the plans you have made take you down a new road you wouldn't have taken otherwise. Other times, it is just plain annoying.

Here's to hoping getting up before the sun works for me today. I can tackle a few work items at home and hopefully get a jump start on the day. Friday. The week sped by faster than there was work to be done...

It looks like the sun is going to try and shine today after some rainy days gave my house painters a few unexpected days off.

Happy Friday!! May your day go as well as you hope for. And if not, there is always tomorrow. Today I shall make the day I hoped yesterday could be.

Choosing Joy (After my Holiday is Over)

So little time, so many little things I would like to do, to add VALUE to the time I do have at my disposal before I walk out this door and into the world's expectations and demands.

I can't believe I just wrote that sentence after spending eleven of my twelve days off doing absolutely nothing of true value almost all of those days. In my defense, I will say I must have needed that true "down time" otherwise I wouldn't have been able to fritter those days away so effectively.

I am back in the saddle. Back to work. Albeit, yesterday was a condensed day (only 8 hours instead of 9.5) and it will be a short work week (truly, I believe "retirement" to me will equal three day work weeks!).

The sore neck I struggled to get rid of during my holidays has returned. I woke up in the middle of the night with my neck bothering me, after finally succeeding in ridding myself of sore-neck-syndrome about four to five days into my holiday (after getting yet another new pillow). AND after what I truly believe happened ... I relaxed.

My early morning thoughts this morning were:

"RECOGNIZING ... it is harder to set my own intention, when I am at the whim of other people's intentions for 9 to 10 hours of my day. This is an OBSTACLE ... not an excuse! It is still my responsibility to "own" my own time. Learn to VALUE (not simply waste) the time I have."

This is easier said than done. I am eight hours back into my work week after twelve complete and total days off. I felt my bosses' tension slip into every ounce of my being the moment she stepped into the room. I can't embody her stress. It hurts too much. I need to manage this within myself more effectively. As I said, easier said than done.

I thought these thoughts, wrote them down and found some "Marie Kondo" videos on YouTube. I can tell by the way I feel after watching these lessons and illustrations of "The life changing magic of tidying up", that this is where I need to begin.

Maybe once I get my own living space in order, I can take what I have learned and incorporate it into the office I work in. THIS is one of my hugest obstacles.

How does one declutter someone else's personal work space? I have quite literally taken a large piece of white paper and placed it over the clutter so I can define my own "white space".

How does a person tackle such a large undertaking when there are not enough hours in the day to tend to the daily/weekly/monthly/quarterly/yearly demands of the job, let alone finding time to create order?

Are these valid reasons? Or just more excuses?

These are the things I did not miss while I was away. While my need to simplify, declutter, organize and purge starts at home, I know it has some long reaching effects which may help with the return of my Stress Neck.

P.S. I just googled "stress neck" and there is no such thing. It is written that it is unlikely that stress CAUSES neck pain but it can bring about the symptoms of underlying neck pain. 

Well holidays, it was nice knowing you. Sad to say, that eight hours in, you are ALMOST all but forgotten.

No more excuses. It is time to pull up my socks and do what I can to make the most of this life I have been given. This job that intensifies the stress in my neck is necessary to my well being. It is up to ME to find a way to work through and beyond the discomfort.

After all, it is the Marie Kondo way. "It is about choosing joy".

Unhappy Feet

As I started to ready myself for my mini-getaway this weekend, I thought I had better pack some good walking shoes. This trip originated because I asked my friend, who is a newly certified personal trainer, if she would like to take on the challenge of being my personal trainer. Thus, our plans were set in motion.

Since that time, I have thought about trying to become more active. 

My handyman donated an exercise bike and left it in the garage for me. Too bad it is too heavy for me to move inside, otherwise I'm sure I would have jumped right on that (NOT!!).

I have researched (once) a good exercise regimen for a beginner. I didn't even get to the videos. The mere act of looking up the information was too exhausting for me.

I thought I should take up walking in the morning in lieu of writing. I want to quit my columns before I do that. The onus of "having to write" keeps me feeling committed to this quiet writing time in the morning.

I have thought a lot of thoughts. But I haven't done a thing. 

I wear out easily these days. I'm quite certain that has a lot to do with the fact that I don't push myself any more. If I'm tired, I quit. If I'm bored, I quit. If I'm frustrated, I quit. I quit before I start something. I have turned into such a quitter.

Why has this happened?

My last noble attempt at physical fitness was taking on a flyer route. I pushed myself, thinking it was for the better good. But I pushed myself in the wrong ways. I carried too many papers at a time because I didn't want to waste time coming back home to reload. I think I compacted the discs in my spine. My back hasn't been the same since the Year of the Flyer Route. Winter was terrible on my thumbs. The repetitive action of always having a paper in each hand seemed to "lock" my thumbs and I now have arthritis in my thumbs. 

I thought my "symptoms" would disappear after I quit that job. It has been three years now and I can still feel the lingering effects.

I used to have a passion for "Zumba". Then I started getting corns on my toes. The only effective way I found to get rid of those corns was to go to a podiatrist. My podiatrist quit and I searched high and low for another one who could accommodate my work schedule. Not only could I not find one, every single place I called had at least a two month waiting list. There was no "squeezing me in" during my summer holiday last year. Needless to say, I booked an appointment well in advance of this year's summer holiday.

When your feet don't work, you are in trouble. So I started babying my feet. These are the only two feet I have and we have a lot more miles to travel.

I quit dancing for many reasons, but the last time I wore my dance shoes was "it". My feet ached before I took my first step on the dance floor. Every single step was pure torture.

I quit exercising for many reasons. Two of them were my feet. Then there was the knee thing that started happening while I was addicted to my WiFit program. Not to mention the shoulder thing that I went to physiotherapy to "fix" and after I did the prescribed exercises wrong, I messed up my neck. It has never fully recovered.

I'm afraid to push my body for fear that I will break it. My body isn't fixing itself the way it used to and it frightens me a little bit. It is a double edged sword. I need to get my body moving and more physically fit, to ensure it lasts until my work here is done. I need to push my limits, but when I have done so in the past I have injured myself in minor ways. 

This has been my excuse for too long now. When I write a letter to my future self, I want to tell her "I hope you jumped on the physical fitness train and got yourself moving again!" I have been too complacent for too long. Enough is enough already.

I found a pair of running shoes from my Zumba days and parked them beside the back door. I will pack up my shoes and take them for a spin. I will talk with my very own Personal Trainer and ask for her advise. "How does a worn out body begin again?"

I stepped into my fiftieth year full of pep, ambition and desire to push my limits. I'm half way through this decade and I feel like half the person I was at the onset. I plan to write a letter to my sixty year old self and tell her what I hope she has accomplished between now and then.

I stopped and took a look at the shoes I have amassed by the back door this morning. This is ridiculous. I have a new and used version of my two pairs of "go to shoes" for all occasions. I have slip on shoes for when I run outside for a minute. I pulled out my sandals that accommodate my orthotics because recently my bunions have been aching at the end of a day in bare feet and sandals. This is what I found: 

Me, the girl who scoffs at those who "need a closet for their shoes" in all the home renovation shows needs her very own "shoe storage system"! 

It's time to get moving again and wear out a pair of shoes for all the right reasons. I hope my feet are up to the challenge. 

The Next Smartest Thing

Just a few days ago, I wrote of my new lease on life since the TV moved out of the living room. There is a "part two" to that story that is still unfolding as I type but if I write it down, I may do my part to keep a good thing going.

I am trying to break the habit of using the TV in my room as a sleeping pill. I know exactly when, how and why this habit started. Turning on the TV and tuning into something that holds my attention turns off my own thoughts. The moment I stop thinking, I fall asleep. Thus, my habit began. They say sleeping pills are addictive. From my own personal experience, I wonder if any sleeping aid becomes something you begin to rely on and even look forward to is just as powerful as a drug.

Yes, I have come to look forward to those middle of the night soirées with just me and my TV. During the years where I fell asleep the moment I sat still, I would wake up with great excitement thinking "Now, I can actually watch a whole TV show!!". I would turn on the television, find something that interested me and poof! Sometime during or after the opening credits to said show, I was fast asleep.

I thought I should probably try to break my little habit but wondered, "Why?" It isn't hurting anyone and I love these mini TV marathons I try to run in the middle of the night.

It is only recently that I have admitted I have a problem. The problem began when I started turning on the TV just before my alarm went off. "I'll just stay in bed until 'Leave it to Bryan' is over" I would tell myself. Then the time changed and "Leave it to Bryan" became "Marriage Under Construction" and I got to know that cast of characters and wanted to know how their construction projects ended. The only thing is, I never ever really got to watch any of these shows because I fell fast asleep the moment I became interested. The only thing that could wake me from that deep slumber was Mike Holmes (I just don't like his 'tone' - it wakes me up).

It was becoming harder and harder to climb out of bed in the morning (partially due to the fact that Mike Holmes was delayed by another hour which would make me seriously late in waking up) and my ache to wake up to the TV instead of the alarm pushed me to the breaking point. I actually set the "wake" timer on the TV. It was the dumbest and the smartest move I've made in recent history.

I hated waking up to the TV. It is my sedative, not my wake up call. So I cancelled that timer but some little bell rang in my head. I started wondering what my nights and mornings would be like with the TV turned off. It turns out they are kind of wonderful.

I still wake up in the middle of the night but I can't even recall how long I am awake because the next thing I know, I'm fast asleep. I wake up before my alarm goes off and just lie still with my thoughts. I started to realize that maybe the reason I have been waking up on "empty" is because I have invited television to steal my ability to think. I turn it on and I tune my thoughts out, thus I wake up feeling dull and brainless.

I have had five televisionless nights and mornings now. The combination of moving the TV out of the living room, added to the blackout during my sleeping and waking hours has been a life changer. My thoughts are clearer, I can remember more than two things at once, I can multitask again, words are coming to the tip of my tongue quicker and I feel more energized.

I just now realized I have thought these thoughts before. And thanks to the magic of journalling my every thought, I can tell you the exact day I had this very epiphany. September 15, 2008. I wrote this: http://colleen-lifeasiknowit.blogspot.ca/2008/09/life-in-slow-lane.html

I have also found the exact date when my downward spiral to my TV addiction taking over my life and thoughts began. It was May 3, 2011: http://colleen-lifeasiknowit.blogspot.ca/2011/05/it-all-started-with-spare-tv.html

I wrote it here first. I know when it happened. I now know what I realized seven years ago. "I knew my life was better without 'TV' in it. I just didn't realize how much." (originally written September 15, 2008)

I think the tides have turned. The first step to to addiction is admitting you have a problem: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol television — that our lives had become unmanageable." ~ paraphrased from Alcohols Anonymous 12 Step Program

The knowledge was within me all along. I just had to turn off the TV to find it again.

"When in doubt, look within for the answer. You're more powerful than you think."

Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Movies/2009/10/Wizard-of-Oz.aspx?p=6#86uScJ3OSIIqE2UT.99

Customer Service 101

I woke up with a fire in my belly this morning. And that was before I read the late-last-night email and early-this-morning text from my brother...

Let me tell you more.

In December, my sister and I planned a purely frivolous and extraordinary weekend in Vegas, to go see Dancing With the Stars Live in February.

As I was making the reservation, I kept asking my sister "Are you sure?" "Should I hit the 'I Accept' (and every other) button (there was to press along our way)?"

By the time we got off the phone that fateful night, it was a done deal. We were going to Vegas!

As if that wasn't exciting enough by itself, my sister-in-law texted me a few days later, asking me where we were staying, because she wanted to surprise my brother with the gift of a trip-for-two to Vegas (with her sister-in-laws, no less!) for Christmas; their upcoming 25th anniversary and my brother's looming 50th birthday. All in one.

The exhilaration levels rose by the moment. Between surprising my brother (he is a tough guy to surprise) and my sister with (at the time) that-which-only-my-sister-in-law-and-I-knew, was a gift unto itself.

It took (perhaps) less than a week before my brother admitted he read the confirmation email about the trip and the cat was out of the bag.

But my sister still didn't know.

We all walked around like Cheshire Cats, withholding this great surprise from my sister. It was fun and we were all anticipating her great surprise when we stumbled into my brother and his wife in Vegas, of all places. We couldn't wait to see her reaction.

Long story short, I was the one who spilled the beans to my sister. Perhaps it was meant to be, because due to circumstances beyond our control, it is looking like my brother and his wife may be backing out of the trip. Or at the very least, delaying their departure date by a day.

We had a 'conference call' between the three siblings last night. My sister and I agreed that my brother is in the hardest position of all, as we weighed out the facts we know and needed to decide whether we should all back out of our trip or not.

In the end, we thought the perfect compromise was for my brother and his wife to try and change their flight by one day.

Sounds simple, doesn't it?

Unfortunately this sounded like the best option for them because their 'comprehensive cancellation insurance package' has very strict guidelines about paying out. And our situation, as dire as it feels to us, does not meet their criteria. So they stood to lose their entire holiday and be out the full cost of the trip, plus their insurance costs.

Before I went to sleep last night, my brother emailed me to tell me that "Yes" they could change their departure date. The cost? $1800!! Their entire trip only cost $1600, so their total out-of-pocket-expense was $3400. It was 'cheaper' to bail out completely and not even go.

UNbelievable.

I woke up before my alarm this morning, with my brother and sister-in-law first and foremost in my mind. I had a plan.

I have learned a lesson within this little life of mine. "Never be afraid to ask". You still may be told 'no', but at least you gave it your best shot.

I called Expedia.ca bright and early this morning. I was on hold for less than two minutes. I got a polite representative and once she confirmed I had enough information to continue, I asked her if she had time to hear our story.

She said she did.

Our story is not long. It is not complicated. But it is fresh, new territory for our family, as we tread into this together.

Part two of the story is my brother and his wife.

This trip was booked with the best of intentions and a heart full of love and generosity. This is a couple who works hard for every penny they have, so a trip such as this is not taken lightly. It's a big thing. They will be honoring twenty five years of marriage in four months.

While they were on their modest honeymoon twenty five years ago, my brother looked at his new bride with stars in his eyes and full of wonder and hope for their future. I am not certain what the exact words were but in my mind's eye, I see this young couple boarding a ferry and my newly wed brother (probably) said (something to the effect of) "We will go on a cruise for our 25th anniversary ..."

A three-day-trip to Vegas was a small consolation prize. And one that cost them dearly.

I plead their case to the Expedia.ca representative. I did not deny their position of hearing every story in the book, when it comes to reasons for cancellation. But I explained this was new and foreign ground for our family and we would appreciate anything they could offer. Travel credit for a future holiday (for my brother and his wife) perhaps?

This representative listened to me without interruption and then relayed the facts to her supervisor.

Her supervisor first offered her condolences for our situation. She then offered two options (neither of which include losing the full cost of their holiday nor charging a exorbitant amount of money to switch dates).

Number 1 - I appreciated both of these representatives hearing me out. Number 2 - I was relieved neither one of them immediately defaulted to a line akin to "I'm sorry, but that is our policy". Number 3 - I was grateful to be passed along to a supervisor without having to demand that my plea be heard by someone who could make decisions that fell outside of regular company policy.

I wish they had offered my brother and his wife a free cruise as a gift for their 25th wedding anniversary but all stories do not end with a fairy tale ending.

Because the second thing my quiet little life has taught me is to "Dare to dream for impossible things".

Inspiration

I watched a most inspirational movie "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" over the weekend and I felt rather deflated after the fact. I related with the most negative character in the movie.

'Jean Ainslie' felt completely displaced and out of her comfort zone throughout the entirety of the movie. From looking at the condo that they could afford if they stayed in England, to finding themselves in a dilapidated hotel in India of all places.

It was as if Jean's lines came directly from my subconscious mind. When I am in a strange, new world I hunker down within the smallest confines to acclimatize myself to this adjustment. Jean spent a great part of time reading within the safety zone of their hotel.

The 'man that she has been looking for' her whole life turns out to be gay. When her husband finally releases his pent up thoughts (as he has been optimistically looking for (and finding) the bright spots within their new environment) the words came right out my past. It was uncanny. I was once accused of stealing the joy and happiness out of someone's life ...

Jean was uncomfortable within her own skin. It is likely that she would have found happiness and contentment anywhere at that point in her life and their marriage. She was not comfortable with who or where she was, nor was she comfortable within her relationship with her husband.

I would like to write Jean's sequel. She would find her way after divorcing her old life. She would find herself and her happiness within. She would live an unremarkable life but be remarkably happy ... because she found herself. At last.

In a movie that was so completely full of inspiration and quotable nuggets of words, I gravitated towards the character that I know as well as I know myself. The person who is most comfortable within a life that she knows. To be plucked up and placed in a foreign country where absolutely everything around her is foreign? When she wasn't happy to start with?? Not a happy place for her.

The most quotable quote within the movie is Sonny Kapoor's mantra -  "Everything will be all right in the end and if it's not all right, then it's not yet the end."

I truly believe and aspire to live those words.

If it is not all right ... then it is not yet the end. It is time to look for a new beginning. Even if you don't get it right the first time, you will eventually. As long as you don't stop trying.

Because ... as Evelyn says, "The only real failure is the failure to try, and the measure of success is how we cope with disappointment."

A Work in Progress

Where did this start and when does it end? Do I write it down and set it free or do I keep it bottled up inside and wait for the inevitable turn of the tides? Why do I feel this way when I have every reason not to?

I am feeling blue. A lot.

I also feel pretty fine. A lot more.

It is the ebbs and flows and the lack of desire and drive to push myself up and out of this darkness that is unsettling.

I have no reason to feel this way. I have a good life. I have made decisions that have stabilized my work life and income. I am in excellent health and I have little or few worries about my family. I have strong relationships within my family and friends. I have more than I need and all that I want. I am grateful for all that I have. I am beyond blessed.

Yet, there is a sadness out there. There are so many people that touch my life that are struggling. I feel a small bit guilty that I have it so easy ... yet I can't seem to grasp and hold onto my inner 'happy'.

If I do nothing ... I feel guilty. If I do something ... I feel better. If I hover someplace in between those two spots ... I feel torn.

I should do more and be more. It sustains and energizes me to reach out and try to make a small difference. Yet by doing so ... I seem to be using that as an excuse for neglecting projects that I should be tending.

Uncompleted goals have been taxing my energy for a few years now. I know this. The more I procrastinate, the bigger it becomes. It is so big now, that it feels insurmountable.

I know that one small action can make or break my day.

The simple act of getting dressed pushes me out of my lethargy. So why am I still sitting in my pyjamas?

When I let those tedious to-do-lists become too long, little jobs become larger than they need to be. I stopped making lists because the lists overwhelmed me. When I stopped making those lists, I stopped accomplishing small goals.

That which used to fuel me is ... gone. I liked myself better when I was passionate about something in my life. I am trying to put myself back in a place to bring back that which I have lost. Passion is a driving force in my life. Once I rev up the excitement levels within, I feel like anything is possible. And it is! I have been there and done that. I know that dreams are attainable when you reach for the stars.

But when the obstacles become so big and so tall that you fell like you are dreaming the impossible dream ... what then?

What are my obstacles? My biggest obstacle is me. I have to rewire my self-talk and start dreaming of 'impossible dreams' again.

Why have I stopped dreaming? Money. Time. Opportunities are all around me, but I dare not seize them because I have a rather committed life once again and my finances are hanging in a precarious balance.

I feel like I have stopped learning and growing. My happiest year in recent history is when I went back to school. I was intoxicated by the entire experience. Flexing my brain. Daring to dream that more education would turn my work-world around. And it did ...

I gave up too easily. I didn't fight long or hard enough. I gave it all that I had at the time ... but it wasn't enough to survive (let alone thrive).

I am defining myself by my past. It is time to get over myself, pull up my socks, start from where I am at right now and remember that I am still a work in progress.

Forgive, Forget and Move On ...

"To be angry with someone is to let them live 'rent free' in your head."

I read a quote to this effect decades ago and made up my mind not to give anger or that other party such control over my thoughts.

I thought that I had absorbed and lived this little nugget of wisdom until I recently attended a Women's Encounter retreat. When we hit the section on 'forgiveness', a recent conversation found its way to the tip of my consciousness and I had one name to write on that little slip of paper that we ceremoniously burned (after a lengthy discussion on how to find that forgiveness in your heart).

I have little contact with this person so it is very easy for me to file my thoughts into the 'forget' portion of my brain and let it go. Forgetting isn't the same as forgiving.

When a person has a history with someone, a few words can hold a great impact. I would be lying if I said that I am not guilty of unleashing words that have had the power to hurt the other party. There must be something unhealed and vulnerable to let these words penetrate the walls that have been built.

I have no desire to fuel this fire with a conversation. We have talked ourselves in circles. Each of us has a valid argument. Yes. We have been hurt. It has been mutual. I have yet to find the beginning and apparently the end is just as illusive. I simply want to agree to disagree and let it go.

Life is not always as simple as that. Lives intertwine with other people and other activities.

A phone call from a completely innocent third party fanned the flames for me yesterday. Why? Why does it matter? Why can't I just let it go and forget about it? Because it involves an activity that I used to love.

Words have been cast into an arena that used to bring me great joy and I let those words and that person be an obstacle that I have little or no desire to overcome. At one time, this would have been a challenge that I would have gladly faced and conquered. Lately ... I would rather just give up.

There is no excess cash to follow that dream at the moment. I can't find a goal to persue in that area right now. The social aspect that was such an integral part of what I came to love within that community has changed. It is a whole new world ... and I honestly don't know if I have the passion to follow where that road may lead. Even if it didn't cost a penny.

Shame on me for letting another person's words stand in the way of walking through a door that has been opened. Double shame for letting that be an excuse. I must own up to my own fears and apprehensions and either overcome them or decide that this isn't where it is at for me right now.

I am leaning towards just letting it go. The passion is gone. I don't know if I am going to find it there any more. The saddest part? I don't even care to go and look for it. And that just may be my undoing ...

My dreams have died. I've been here before and I know I'll work my way past this. Walking through the door that I was invited to walk through yesterday could be a start. Or the end. Maybe I have to forgive, forget and just move on ...

Elusive

It's just out of my grasp. It flits by me and hovers close by ... but when I try to grasp it and hold onto it, it remains just out of my reach.

I long to wrap myself within the protective layers of my life and I don't want to peek my head out until I am transformed within. Something feels broken and I want to cocoon myself away from reality until it is mended.

I want to be alone; I need to be around people. I want to curl up into a ball until this passes; I need to get out and push my limits. I want to cry; I need to laugh. I want time off; I need to work.

This too, shall pass. I know this. But I am getting impatient. This has been going on too long.

There is only one person in the world that can make a difference. I look at her reflection in my mirror and I want to shake her out of this stupor.

Words are not enough. It is time to take action. Small steps are better than no steps at all.

“When you're lost in those woods, it sometimes takes you a while to realize that you are lost. For the longest time, you can convince yourself that you've just wandered off the path, that you'll find your way back to the trailhead any moment now. Then night falls again and again, and you still have no idea where you are, and it's time to admit that you have bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert

Hitting a Wall

I feel like I'm up against a wall lately (visions of Pebbles Flintstone continuing to go through the motions of crawling even though she has run into a wall waft through my mind).

I walked out of work yesterday and felt disappointed. It has been a week where I have not been alone in the office. So I have been asking questions. Lots of questions. I have horrible flashbacks about asking too many questions and not advancing in my job. I have been bringing that into my dreams at night. That was then. This is now. What I have realized is that I feel better about myself when I figure out things on my own. I make small advances every time I survive one of those tough days. This has not been one of those weeks.

Then there are my feet. They are slowing me down to a crawl.

I received a notice of some upcoming Zumba classes that I would love to take. Of course there is the money situation which must be considered. But the real reason that I have not taken any more classes? My feet. I have one pair of shoes that I can wear without irritating my toes. If I go for walks in these shoes, it irritates the corns on my toes. As long as I utilize them for work and gadding about tending to life, I can make do. Any extra curricular activity and my toes are inflamed and even those shoes are uncomfortable.

Which brings me to dancing. Dancing ended at the same time as my full-time employment did. Since then, I have booked two, half-hour lessons in the middle of a day that I was not working. Just because I could and I was in a mood too good to be wasted not dancing!

Last night I had a lesson at my (previous) regularly scheduled time, which was followed by a group class and practise session. My feet were aching in new and improved ways well before the practise session started. But there was an eager, new dancer there who wanted to practise what he had learned. And who am I to say 'no' to an invitation like that?!!

He was young, full of energy and an experienced bollywood dancer. At one point, he told me that he didn't have to work today, so he could have gone all night. I laughed and said that I definitely felt that he could! My body could have went on much longer ... but it was my feet that were aching to stop.

(I just YouTubed bollywood and found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P-H6z6m3Y_Q ; they are dancing in their bare feet! Maybe this is something that I should look into ...)

Then there is the whole 'money' thing. I am quite honestly not earning enough to cover my expenses right now. I got through January and February thanks to Christmas gifts, charitable acts and donations and my income tax refund. Spring break (another unpaid week of holidays) and summer vacation is right around the corner. I must come up with a plan.

I have even hit a wall with my writing. I need to bring life and new experiences into my days so that I have something that lifts me up and out of this place I am in and I have something new to write about. My thoughts are highly recycled and reused ideas. I am so bored with my own thought processes that I put myself to sleep.

I recognized a red flag last night as I struggled to stay alert until I left the house at 6:40 p.m. to go to my dance lesson. There was nothing that I wanted more at that moment, than to climb into my pj's and curl up on the couch. It is a sad, sad day when an evening of doing absolutely nothing trumps dancing!

Are these just excuses? Or are they obstacles begging to be overcome so that I can find a new plateau? Or am I being stopped in my tracks so that I have the time and inclination to tend to that-which-I-have-been-ignoring for the past few years? Like spring cleaning and writing a book.

Energy begets energy. Lethargy begets lethargy. I think that my answer is clear. I just have to act on it.