A Work in Progress

Where did this start and when does it end? Do I write it down and set it free or do I keep it bottled up inside and wait for the inevitable turn of the tides? Why do I feel this way when I have every reason not to?

I am feeling blue. A lot.

I also feel pretty fine. A lot more.

It is the ebbs and flows and the lack of desire and drive to push myself up and out of this darkness that is unsettling.

I have no reason to feel this way. I have a good life. I have made decisions that have stabilized my work life and income. I am in excellent health and I have little or few worries about my family. I have strong relationships within my family and friends. I have more than I need and all that I want. I am grateful for all that I have. I am beyond blessed.

Yet, there is a sadness out there. There are so many people that touch my life that are struggling. I feel a small bit guilty that I have it so easy ... yet I can't seem to grasp and hold onto my inner 'happy'.

If I do nothing ... I feel guilty. If I do something ... I feel better. If I hover someplace in between those two spots ... I feel torn.

I should do more and be more. It sustains and energizes me to reach out and try to make a small difference. Yet by doing so ... I seem to be using that as an excuse for neglecting projects that I should be tending.

Uncompleted goals have been taxing my energy for a few years now. I know this. The more I procrastinate, the bigger it becomes. It is so big now, that it feels insurmountable.

I know that one small action can make or break my day.

The simple act of getting dressed pushes me out of my lethargy. So why am I still sitting in my pyjamas?

When I let those tedious to-do-lists become too long, little jobs become larger than they need to be. I stopped making lists because the lists overwhelmed me. When I stopped making those lists, I stopped accomplishing small goals.

That which used to fuel me is ... gone. I liked myself better when I was passionate about something in my life. I am trying to put myself back in a place to bring back that which I have lost. Passion is a driving force in my life. Once I rev up the excitement levels within, I feel like anything is possible. And it is! I have been there and done that. I know that dreams are attainable when you reach for the stars.

But when the obstacles become so big and so tall that you fell like you are dreaming the impossible dream ... what then?

What are my obstacles? My biggest obstacle is me. I have to rewire my self-talk and start dreaming of 'impossible dreams' again.

Why have I stopped dreaming? Money. Time. Opportunities are all around me, but I dare not seize them because I have a rather committed life once again and my finances are hanging in a precarious balance.

I feel like I have stopped learning and growing. My happiest year in recent history is when I went back to school. I was intoxicated by the entire experience. Flexing my brain. Daring to dream that more education would turn my work-world around. And it did ...

I gave up too easily. I didn't fight long or hard enough. I gave it all that I had at the time ... but it wasn't enough to survive (let alone thrive).

I am defining myself by my past. It is time to get over myself, pull up my socks, start from where I am at right now and remember that I am still a work in progress.