The Tears Inside

I don't cry (often). Sometimes I wish that I did. I need that emotional release from time to time. Which is perhaps why I'm drawn to laughter. I thought that I once heard that laughter and crying are closely connected. It is a natural and easy way to let go and release some of those pent up emotions.

I remember when Dad died.  I was so afraid that I may not be able to stop crying if I ever started. I had attended one funeral before I went to my Dad's. I was completely naive to the process. I remember anger surrounded the very idea of most of it. I thought to myself, "It is like planning a wedding in three days!" I could not begin to understand how a grieving family was expected to accomplish this.

I remember sitting at the front of the church and Dad's casket was right there in front of us. Dad was in there!?!? How in the world could I keep it together when that reality stared me in the face? Why were we on display for a church full of people? Once again, I was consumed by the thought that if I started crying, I may not be able to stop. In public. In front of all of these people! So I did my best to hold it all in and keep my composure.

Mom doesn't cry (often). When she does, it brings me to my knees. There is nothing harder (to me) than to see a strong person lose control of their emotions. I have cried simply because my mom is crying. It breaks my heart to see my strong, stoic mother lose her composure.

I have been reining in my emotions this past week. I have heard and understood the facts. I have stood by a family who has been in the process of letting their mom (my aunt) go ... and I have felt that it is my job to be strong. Because I know when I feel week, I need strong people around me.

I know the reality. My brain has processed the information. My emotions have not caught up. Yet. I am afraid if I start to cry ... I may not stop.

This morning, my eyes feel like they have been crying. I didn't sleep well last night. The emotions are bottle necked somewhere deep inside of me. I feel so much for so many right now. It doesn't show on the outside ... but it is there. I'm afraid to let it go.