I'm Seeing the Leaves

A comment from my aunt while collecting family memories has stuck with me. She desperately needed glasses as a child. Money was scarce during the Depression so it took time before she got her first pair of glasses. She commented, "It was like “opening a door and going into heaven … I could see. Everything wasn’t a blur." She saw the individual leaves on the trees.

A year ago, everything was a blur to me. Walking into a new town, new life, new jobs and new everything was overwhelming. Everything and everyone was new. I may recognize a face but I couldn't place which job, which circumstance or how I had met this person. New. New. New. It was a very blurry year.

Specific conversations would feel general to me because I didn't know the background, location or circumstances. I was walking home from work one day when I finally started to "see the leaves".  I don't remember what it was but suddenly it was like someone pulled the hair out of my eyes. 

I connected the dots and marveled at the realization I was finally seeing the light because EVERYTHING wasn't new. I was able to the leaves on the trees.

I thought of my aunt and appreciated the clarity of my new life finally feel like it's all coming together. One leaf at a time.

In the Light of Day

I hear the echo of my whiny inside-my-head voice belly aching about the days starting so much earlier and I shake my head.

I love the sun. I need the sun. I crave the sun. Yet I complain when it forces me up and out of my restless slumber before I think I am ready.

Sometimes, when you watch carefully, life shows you what you need to see...

I was puttering about, during my far-too-early morning, and when I went to the coffee cupboard, I found this reflection. 

I had never noticed it before. Not in all my years of living here, have I come across this light show.

I stepped back to find the source of the prism of light I was marvelling over. It was coming from our back door window.

I got this door over three years ago, yet I have never come across the spectrum of light I discovered this morning.

I was at the right place, at the right time, on a cloudless morning, while the sun was at the perfect angle to create this gift of light.

If I had slept in a moment longer, I could have missed the show.

Oh, what small wonders there are to behold in the light of day. I wonder what else I am missing out on ...

A Spark

"This" may be it. I read one sentence this morning that changed the flow of my thoughts, rerouted what I thought I may do with the quiet of my morning and my fingers may or may not have typed the words that have the possibility of leading me where I most want to go next.

The sentence I read came from Glennon Doyle Melton's Facebook page, as she was commenting on the "live streaming" of her interview with Oprah. She shouted out loud, "SISTER OPRAH IS STREAMING OUR SUPER SOUL SUNDAY EPISODE RIGHT NOW! ... I am going over there to watch and comment with you. Join Us!" 

One of my fellow Canadians made this comment: "Happy Sunday, Glennon! So much love. Are you ever gonna come to Canada...?" 

AND ... this was Glennon's response: "YES! Mostly to see you!!!!" (and she tagged the person who made the original comment).

The millisecond I read this, I knew it with every fibre of my being. I will be there. The moment I read of this event, I will reserve two tickets. I am going. I don't care when, where or how much it costs. All of my hard earned profits from my sales of daycare goods will have a purpose. I will see Glennon. Live. In person.

This spurred me into going back to complete the final lesson in the "Wisdom of Story" on-line class with Brené and Glennon. The questions they asked at the end of that lesson were too hard, too big and too complicated for my weary brain to answer at the time. My body, mind and spirit have had a chance to rest and recharge. So I went back to answer the questions this morning:

WHAT BREAKS YOUR HEART?

WHAT IS AN EXISTING COMMUNITY STRUGGLE OR A GLOBAL STORY THAT YOU WANT TO INFLUENCE AND WRITE YOURSELF INTO?

HOW DO YOU WRITE YOURSELF INTO THIS STORY?

I wrote my answers. Then I took one step. One baby step. 

The moment my fingers typed the answers my head didn't know, I knew my heart to fingertip connection was powered up and running again.

The moment I typed the words, it was as if the clouds parted and the sun shone down directly upon me and beamed, "Yes, this is the way..."

I am three weeks away from clearing the time, space and resources to follow this lead. "Something bigger than me" is in control of the emotions, the drive and the pull I feel when I typed the answers to these questions. Could this be "the knowing" I have been impatiently waiting for?

Maybe.

In December, 1987 I KNEW in my heart that I wanted to create a "safe haven" for people in trouble when "the time was right". I never forgot that "knowing". I never did anything about it. But I never forgot. It was a life changing time for me and a safe haven gave me the resting spot, the quiet, the sanctuary and resources to help me through, over and past a time of great change. I have wanted to pay that favor forward ever since.

In June, 2005 I KNEW I wanted to "run an inn" or Bed & Breakfast or a quiet little home away from home - "a sanctuary" one day. One day when I retired ...

Fast forward and through many of the stops I made along the way and I found myself knee deep in despair in August, 2016 when I KNEW I had to quit running my daycare.

I have had no idea where I was going to go next. I knew I didn't have all my ducks lined up neatly in a row. The only thing I knew for sure is that I had to clear out the clutter in my life, home, heart and soul to "make room for change". I had and have no idea for certain what that "change" is ultimately going to be. 

I do know that I don't feel that all of this "clearing the way" is simply to get a new job. At least I hope not. Maybe in the end, that will be all that comes of this. Oh, how I hope that is not so. 

I DO know that I will take one step in a forward direction. One baby step. And see if it leads to the next. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. If nothing comes of my efforts I will understand. It will be an answer: "Not now." "Not this way." "Not until you've learned more lessons."

One thing I DO know for sure is that "now" is the time to investigate, to try, to stick my neck out and take a risk. Maybe nothing will change on the outside, but oh how I hope something changes deep inside of my soul.

A spark has been ignited. I WILL go see Glennon when she comes to our neighborhood. I need to keep fanning the flame. Because something about this feels very, very right. I feel my "Field of Dreams" calling out to me again. If you build/create/fight for it ... they will come.

Happy Day to you!! May you feel a spark within your heart today. Take one brave step in a forward direction and see where it may lead. Come with me for the ride. It's going to be a good one. 

What Brutiful Moment Am I In?

Brutiful, as defined by Glennon Doyle Melton - "adj.: Life is brutal. And life is beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life’s brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly they are inseparable. We must embrace both or neither. If we reject the brutal, we reject the beautiful. Our problems stem from our refusal to surrender to the fact that life is truly more brutal and beautiful than we can imagine. We must let it be. Breathe deeply and know that if we let it come and feel it all – the brutal will make us kinder, softer, stronger, even more beautiful."

Glennon and Brené Brown have teamed up and invited the world to join them. I simply sat back and listened/watched the videos they prepared for Lesson 1 in their collaborative course on "The Wisdom of Storytelling". There is much food for thought in those minutes of conversation between two of my friends who do not yet know me.

One statement resonated with me after I walked away. "Every eviction becomes an invitation". An "eviction" can be defined in a myriad of ways. A broken relationship, a death, the end of a job, a child moving up/growing up/moving on. Anything that defines a part of your life that can be taken away can serve as an eviction.

I thought of the precipice I am presently standing on and suddenly felt a wave of relief. Life is scary for me in the moment I'm in because I've been served "eviction notice" in several areas of my life. Nothing has changed yet but it could in a New York Minute.

My job is changing. My youngest son is an adult. I am concerned about Mom living on her own. I woke up one morning during my holiday knowing I could take all of this and use it as a launching point to make some big changes within my world. I could pack everything up and start over if it was necessary right now. The world had other plans but internally, I have changed.

Nothing has changed except for the fact that I will reroute my income earning abilities by the end of the year. This one change could become the catalyst of many things. It opens doors and gives me some freedom of choice. But as of the moment, all remains the same. Except what is going on inside of me.

Change is in the air and it has transformed me from the inside, out. I feel different. I feel better. I feel more capable. I feel more powerful than I've felt in a very long time.

There is a reason nothing has changed outwardly. I am where I need to be. I still have work to do within my home and family. I need to continue on in the role I am in right now for a while longer. I need to trust this moment.

But as it was when I was ready to make a sudden move almost 29 years ago, I am just as ready to move back right now. I was waiting for an "invitation", a green light, the right time and place 29 years ago. So I was ready to jump when the window of opportunity opened. I feel like I am back in the same place right now.

"Not yet" is the message I am feeling, living and receiving at the moment. Not yet ... But I am streamlining my world so I'm ready to go when the time is right. It is just not now.

This was my Sunday morning message from "Project Happines" yesterday morning:

Project Happiness http://www.projecthappiness.org/

#SoulSunday Challenge: Try this radical trust today - As the events of your day unfold, honor each with the acknowledgement, "Right on time." This dissolves resistance to what-is, and if you practice it enough, don't be surprised if someday soon you look around and notice the events of your life lining up in your favor...right on time. 

The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in.

The Next Smartest Thing

Just a few days ago, I wrote of my new lease on life since the TV moved out of the living room. There is a "part two" to that story that is still unfolding as I type but if I write it down, I may do my part to keep a good thing going.

I am trying to break the habit of using the TV in my room as a sleeping pill. I know exactly when, how and why this habit started. Turning on the TV and tuning into something that holds my attention turns off my own thoughts. The moment I stop thinking, I fall asleep. Thus, my habit began. They say sleeping pills are addictive. From my own personal experience, I wonder if any sleeping aid becomes something you begin to rely on and even look forward to is just as powerful as a drug.

Yes, I have come to look forward to those middle of the night soirées with just me and my TV. During the years where I fell asleep the moment I sat still, I would wake up with great excitement thinking "Now, I can actually watch a whole TV show!!". I would turn on the television, find something that interested me and poof! Sometime during or after the opening credits to said show, I was fast asleep.

I thought I should probably try to break my little habit but wondered, "Why?" It isn't hurting anyone and I love these mini TV marathons I try to run in the middle of the night.

It is only recently that I have admitted I have a problem. The problem began when I started turning on the TV just before my alarm went off. "I'll just stay in bed until 'Leave it to Bryan' is over" I would tell myself. Then the time changed and "Leave it to Bryan" became "Marriage Under Construction" and I got to know that cast of characters and wanted to know how their construction projects ended. The only thing is, I never ever really got to watch any of these shows because I fell fast asleep the moment I became interested. The only thing that could wake me from that deep slumber was Mike Holmes (I just don't like his 'tone' - it wakes me up).

It was becoming harder and harder to climb out of bed in the morning (partially due to the fact that Mike Holmes was delayed by another hour which would make me seriously late in waking up) and my ache to wake up to the TV instead of the alarm pushed me to the breaking point. I actually set the "wake" timer on the TV. It was the dumbest and the smartest move I've made in recent history.

I hated waking up to the TV. It is my sedative, not my wake up call. So I cancelled that timer but some little bell rang in my head. I started wondering what my nights and mornings would be like with the TV turned off. It turns out they are kind of wonderful.

I still wake up in the middle of the night but I can't even recall how long I am awake because the next thing I know, I'm fast asleep. I wake up before my alarm goes off and just lie still with my thoughts. I started to realize that maybe the reason I have been waking up on "empty" is because I have invited television to steal my ability to think. I turn it on and I tune my thoughts out, thus I wake up feeling dull and brainless.

I have had five televisionless nights and mornings now. The combination of moving the TV out of the living room, added to the blackout during my sleeping and waking hours has been a life changer. My thoughts are clearer, I can remember more than two things at once, I can multitask again, words are coming to the tip of my tongue quicker and I feel more energized.

I just now realized I have thought these thoughts before. And thanks to the magic of journalling my every thought, I can tell you the exact day I had this very epiphany. September 15, 2008. I wrote this: http://colleen-lifeasiknowit.blogspot.ca/2008/09/life-in-slow-lane.html

I have also found the exact date when my downward spiral to my TV addiction taking over my life and thoughts began. It was May 3, 2011: http://colleen-lifeasiknowit.blogspot.ca/2011/05/it-all-started-with-spare-tv.html

I wrote it here first. I know when it happened. I now know what I realized seven years ago. "I knew my life was better without 'TV' in it. I just didn't realize how much." (originally written September 15, 2008)

I think the tides have turned. The first step to to addiction is admitting you have a problem: "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol television — that our lives had become unmanageable." ~ paraphrased from Alcohols Anonymous 12 Step Program

The knowledge was within me all along. I just had to turn off the TV to find it again.

"When in doubt, look within for the answer. You're more powerful than you think."

Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Movies/2009/10/Wizard-of-Oz.aspx?p=6#86uScJ3OSIIqE2UT.99

Cell Phone Independence

Late yesterday afternoon, I was running around the house multitasking.

I was trying to get my daycare family outside, to play out the remainder of the day. A half hour before I expected my day to end, a potential new daycare family was going to drop by to meet/interview me. The minute they left, I needed to run out the door to go do payroll for my bookkeeping job.

I ate supper at our snack time. I brushed my teeth and tried tending to all my needs before we went outside for the duration of the day.

My cell phone was tucked into my back pocket so I didn't forget it. In the second it took for me to realize going to the bathroom at 4:00 was not going to save me time because I would surely go again before I left the house at 6:00, it was too late.

My cell phone went for a swim in some "slightly used" toilet water (and I am not talking about cologne here).

Plop!

"OH NO!!"

Then I realized the state of the water its took a nose dive, so I actually rinsed my phone off in clear running water.

"WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?!?!!" my brain yelled to the part of myself that was running on autopilot.

The next thing I knew, I was running to the rice container and burying my phone. Then I went outside and tended to my kids before I peeked my head in the door and asked my son to google what to do if you immerse your cell phone in water.

He took all the necessary precautions and I am pretty sure my phone may survive this near tragedy. But as I near the 24 hour mark of its rice bath, I am wondering if that is a good thing.

I have been hyper aware of my surroundings today. I cannot begin to count the moments where I simply sat still and listened/watched my day in progress. I was attentive to my day, my surroundings, the small wonders, the banter and my thoughts were so blissful.

I was not in hyper planning mode. I was in a "stop and enjoy the cell phone silence" mode. It was heavenly. It is heavenly.

Do you know the saddest part of this revelation?

The minute I felt my inner peace being restored, I wanted to blog about it. Or email someone. Or text my friend. Or talk on the phone.

I stopped myself in my tracks.

"ENJOY!!" is what my subconscious brain told my conscious self.

And I have.

That didn't prevent a splinter related accident as the kids played right outside the kitchen door as I tidied up our lunch. But it did wonders for my coping strategies.

I have been calm, cool and collected all day.

Without the distractions my cell phone provides me, I like "me" better.

I think the next time my phone goes for a swim, I should think twice. Maybe I should flush...

Finishing What I Have Started

I have started and stopped reading more books than I can begin to count over the course of the past several years.

My attention span became that of a gnat. I couldn't concentrate. I lost focus. I couldn't keep still. Then when I stayed still, I fell asleep.

Then came a little game that I play with myself. The game of: "You can't do (something fun) until you finish doing (something I should be doing)".

Something fun consists of many things. Reading, cleaning, settling in and discovering a new series on Netflix that I have never watched before and whatever 'flavor of the week' I decide upon at that given moment.

So what have I done instead? I have slept. Oh, how I have slept! I have watched the entire series of Gilmore Girls. Twice. I fritter time away like nobody's business. I can sit down at the computer and send myself on a scavenger hunt that takes me from Googling one small idea until it branches off, not only into a tree but a good chunk of the forest.

The world started feeling heavy upon my shoulders when I told myself that I needed to carve out time just-for-me and exclude the world around me. I took away my energy source whenever I denied myself what I thrive on - friends and family.

I have had many diversions within life-as-I-know-it over the course of time since I took on this Book Project. I decided to go back to school at almost the same time I started The Book. I tried changing things up a little bit within my 'career' and I have found myself back to where I was before I started. Except I am smarter (I went to school, you see).

I got an education in life-outside-of-my-doors which was time and energy consuming. I learned lessons that I never would have learned if I had stayed within my safe zone. Some lessons energize us. Others deplete us. Let's just say that I was depleted for a while.

It takes time to regain what-has-been-lost after your world has been turned upside down. I lost my True North and wandered for far too long. I survived but I did not thrive while I was wandering through the forest. I am the type of person who finds 'forests' claustrophobic and would prefer to fly over them rather than investigate every creek and path along the way. There are too many bugs and unknowns within that forest.

Life forced my hand. I got lost in my forest and had to find my way through. It took longer than I expected it would because I took a few wrong turns. Wrong? Maybe not. I'll just call them 'extra' turns. I went in circles for a while but I expanded the circle each time and eventually found an exit strategy.

I prefer life in the flatlands where you can see out into the horizon and dream of possibilities. Dreams. They have come back to me in oh-so-many-ways. I wake up each morning with the wisp of a dream fading away from my consciousness. Sometimes I just lay still and try to hold onto a fragment of the vivid night life that I have led while I have been sleeping.

The best part is that I am dreaming while I am awake again. Something strong is pulling at me and telling me to look ahead but not to forget the day. Forge onward but tend to the life that you have created. Words, ideas and the need to reach out have come to the forefront of my mind and I am simply following through. Great things are starting to happen. I feel alive again.

Suddenly, books that have been abandoned are calling out to me. Read me! Nourish your mind!! Boy, do I have some insight for you!!!

I have finished reading four books in about as many weeks. Each of them has made me think and led me to a clarity that has been lacking. It is like I took off my glasses and cleaned them. My perspective is keener and my vision is clearer.

I have opened my eyes and look at what I am finding:

I am finding the past within the present day. These wild flowers take me back to my childhood, what I experienced and saw when we lived on the farm. They take me back to My Roots.

I am finally starting to finish what I have started. I can see this is headed in a very good direction. I look forward to wrapping up a few more chapters so I can finish one book. Before I start another...

The Straw

You know the one ... "the last straw" ... "the straw that broke the camel's back". That straw.

I can look back on my life and recognize and remember the final crushing blow that determined that there was no going back.

Changing jobs, ending relationships, moving, altercations of any kind. There is a moment in time when you recognize that a cycle must stop. The end.

I've always been a 'three strikes, you're out' kind of girl. I believe in second chances. And third ones too. I have not yet crossed the line and gone for the fourth strike.

I believe in giving people and situations a fair chance. I will be the first to point out the error in my ways when things go wrong. It takes two to tango and it takes two to argue. When things go wrong, I know that I am also at fault.

But I have chosen to walk away from situations where there is no happy ending. Some situations drain you from the very core and change who you are. Some things are simply not good for your health. I vividly remember the words "... you will die an early death" ran through my mind if I stayed in one situation. Nothing good can come of ongoing stress.

If something is causing you to lose sleep ... if a situation is changing you into someone you don't feel good about ... if stress levels are high and you can feel your body is taking a beating ... listen to your inner voice. Some times you have to know when to walk away.

It was the last straw that broke the camel's back

Possible interpretation: There is a limit to everything. We can load the camel with lots of straw, but finally it will be too much and the camel's back will break. And it is only a single straw that breaks its back - the last straw. This can be applied to many things in life. People often say "That's the last straw!" when they will not accept any more of something.
~ from http://www.englishclub.com/http://www.englishclub.com/ref/esl/Sayings/I/It_was_the_last_straw_that_broke_the_camel_s_back_503.htm

In a New York Minute

It was a short article in our local paper (that I read last night) that rose to my consciousness first thing this morning ...

Two years after rebuilding her life after a "tumultuous divorce" a newly single mom was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The onset of her symptoms were fast and furious. She wrote that when she sat down in her car right after her diagnosis, the song playing on the radio was "A New York Minute" by the Eagles ...

Shortly after I read that article, I found this inspirational message about focusing on what is important and making the 'most of your Saturdays' in my inbox: http://www.mountainwings.com/past/1132.htm

I have been living my life with passion lately. There is something about the combined events of having the freedom to go out without needing a babysitter and turning 50 that has given me permission to my live to the fullest.

I laughingly told someone that I'm living my 'first' childhood. For the first time in 32 years, my children are all in varying stages of independence. For the first time in 50 years, I have had the confidence to spread my wings and fly solo for small, but regular periods of time.

I am pursuing that which interests me. I find myself laughing more than I ever have before. I'm living a very good life.

But when I think of it, I am consciously aware that my life is a little bit too much all about me lately.

When I woke up this morning and thought that all of this could change 'in a New York minute', instantly I knew where I needed to devote more of my time.

If life as I know it changed in the blink of an eye ... what would I regret?

That which sifts to the surface, is what needs to be addressed. As good as my life is right now, it has room for improvement. I want to live a life without regret. I know what needs to be done. And I know that I only have a finite amount of time to do it in.



The flip side of this, is that no matter how dark and hopeless things may seem ... that too, can change 'in a New York Minute'.

What life has taught me is to take nothing for granted. And never lose hope ...

Weight Bearing Exercise

As I flipped, tossed & turned and eventually turned off my alarm this morning, my first conscious thoughts were "It doesn't hurt!"

I rolled over and my neck didn't seize. I flip flopped from one side to the other and my tender shoulder held its own. It was a painless night. I am blessed.

Each time I appreciated this flexibility, I wondered "What made the difference?"

• Are my stretching exercises starting to kick in?
• Is it the special sore-neck pillow that my sister gave to me? (Thanks, sis!)
• Was it because I kept moving yesterday?
• Is it because my varied tasks kept my body flexible instead of working at a repetitive task?
• Did tying up many loose ends in my bookkeeping jobs take the weight off of my shoulders?
• Or was it all of the above?

I tend to think that it was a little bit of everything. But the one thing that I attribute to my ability to relax and enjoy a painless sleep last night, was tending to the weighty issues of the work that I have been putting off.
I have not moved mountains the past few days, but I've moved enough hills to feel pretty good. Paper shuffling, sorting, posting and all of that good stuff isn't exactly a cardio work out. But it feels good to have control over my workload.
My shoulders aren't bearing any excess weight. That feels good in both a mental and a physical sense.
The key is to keep the weight bearing exercises at a tolerable level. It's good to know you have the stamina to endure. But carrying those weights around without dealing with them is not the route to take.
My advice:

• Dump the weights that you can.
• Deal with the excess weights so that you aren't carrying them around needlessly.
• Work with what is left.

A few weight bearing exercises are good for the body and soul. Carrying around dead weight ... is hard on the neck.

I Love Mornings!

I haven't always been a morning person, but I've developed quite a taste for it as the years go by ...

My perfect morning quite simply consists of taking care of no one's needs except my own. Whether it is by sleeping in a little, getting up and letting the day unfold quietly or whether I decide to exercise. The one thing that is a requirement is the ability to sit still, savor my breakfast smoothie and have a few cups of coffee as I deal with the excess amount of words that I wake up with every morning.

This morning is off to a good start. I am normally a rather restless sleeper - I wake up every time I move and some nights that is a lot. I 'woke up' as I rolled over and thought that a light must have been left on last night. There was brightness that seeped through my closed eyelids. To my amazement, it was actually morning! I slept through the night. I believe that my body and my brain took the night off. It felt wonderful.

I had exercised at 3 different points in the day yesterday and granted myself this morning off. An extra half hour to sleep, time to be still, time to enjoy my morning routines and write a little before the day officially begins.

I love the clarity of the morning. I wake up with answers that eluded me the day before. The 'important stuff' comes to the surface of my consciousness and I start my day with a new perspective on things.

This mornings meanderings took me to my goal of pursuing the book keeping part of my 'career'. I made several calls yesterday and talked to one person. I have literature coming in the mail, a call that is to be returned and one more call back to make. It seems that 'the answer' wasn't to come to me yesterday. Circumstances beyond my control are telling me to take it slow and think this through. And I will.

I have an idea in my head, as to how I would like to see this unfold. How my vision works in the 'real world' is unknown. But I've been pretty fortunate to see a few of my dreams come true ... so I see no reason why I can't do my best to see this through as well.

I have other free falling thoughts coming to me as the day begins. Even my thoughts seem to be in balance this morning - work, exercise, leisure and family are all at the top of my priority chain as the day warms up.

When my mornings start like this, I know I'm starting off on the right foot. No matter what life throws my way.