I Can't Wait to Wake up Tomorrow

I cannot wait to be on the other side of today. Today will be filled with all the things that feel the hardest. Are these things really that hard or have I ramped up the volume on the agenda I have set before me?

There are so many deadlines to meet within my bookkeeping world. Every time I flip the calendar page, I'm faced with a new set of challenges. I suppose I should be grateful for both the change and the routine. I have done this before. I will do it again. It is familiar. I know how to wade my way through it all.

I woke up in the middle of the night remembering I had forgotten to fill out one section of a multipage document I submitted yesterday. As I was sitting here, I remembered another pending task that will soon be on the list of deadlines-to-meet. 

Then there is the unexpected. The above and beyond. The variety I should be craving in a repetitive job is adding to the stressors instead of relieving them.

I have not had a holiday where I can leave the responsibilities of my home office behind since work moved in with me in March, 2020. 

The weight of it all is feeling heavy. 

I walked into my office in an attempt to take a blurry picture of the chaos behind the door.

Then this caught my eye.

The one and only personal item within the world of paper, bookwork and numbers.

Thanks, Glennon. I needed this reminder today.

Let's just keep going.

Gen-DriveThru

"Gen X"  is where I officially fall within the Baby Boomers, Millennials and the Gen-classifications. But as I wandered through my morning, I began thinking that I belong to the Gen-Instant-Satisfaction era.

Drive-thru restaurants where you don't even have to get out of the car to enjoy a meal you didn't have to make has now been expanded to ordering groceries online and popping the trunk to let someone else load the groceries they have selected, scanned and then deliver/load right into the trunk of the car. Shopping online, where all you have to do is wait for the delivery date of said item. Phone appointments with anyone who doesn't need to physically see you. Instant access to movies, TV series and any number of things you may be interested in seeing are as simple as signing into your video streaming account, YouTube or any number of online videos available. 

Googling anything that has spurred my interest has become my most fascinating diversion. My most recent deep dive into the interwebs has been in search of Jane Fonda's quotes, interviews and books. I love listening to Glennon Doyle's podcast "We Can Do Hard Things" but have longed for a "Glennon" who is older than me. Someone who has experienced what I have, as I hit my Third Act (as per Jane Fonda). Lo and behold, Glennon/Abby/Amanda interviewed Jane Fonda on their podcast last week and I think Jane is the mentor I have been looking for.

The moment Jane spoke of starting over again at age 62, I thought to myself "She gets it!! She has already waded through this phase I've hit!" I immediately reserved her book Prime Time from the library (reserved online, of course, and a quick in/out trip at the library through the self checkout was almost as simple as picking up groceries) and I started thumbing through it last night.

I haven't delved deep into the book yet but as I leafed through some of the chapters that caught my interest, my attention was drawn to the need to move/walk/exercise regularly to maintain one's physical health. Moving a little and continuing to live a sedentary life is not the solution. 

So walking alone is not my answer. Walking is good for my body and good for my soul. I can feel it with every step I take (except when winter walking conditions prevail). What I need to add to that recipe is to come home and continue to do something physical. Clean that room. Organize and cull those piles. Keep busy and moving. But (and here is my excuse) I have a bookkeeping job to do. Then I spend the supper hours sitting idle with a senior who finds it hard to move and walk freely.

I cannot blame my job(s) for my inactivity. It is a pretty good alibi but I am the one who is responsible for sitting idly in front of the TV or computer or couch in my down time.

Thus, I started thinking of my desire for a drive-thru, instant gratification option for my lack of desire and motivation to move and live life in a healthier fashion. Could I hire someone to come in and clean the house and organize my office? If only I could start from a clean slate, certainly I could maintain it.

If only ...

If only came and went three years ago. At the end of our home renewal (reno), "all I had to do" was keep on top of the cleaning/dusting/cat hair. When I started working from home when pandemic recommendations suggested work-from-home alternatives, I started with a perfectly clean and organized office. All I had to do was keep it up to date.

I had my clean slate and now it is all dusty, cat-hairy and the piles of papers in my office make my knees go weak.

Instant satisfaction is what I am craving. The answer is to pull up my socks and just do it. This aligns with Jane's advice to stop living such a sedentary life. All the stars have aligned. The answers are staring me right in the face. 

So why am I craving McDonald's so badly right now? Yes, I am officially one of the Gen-DriveThru era.

Cheating Myself

I love mornings. The time of day before the rest of the world wakes up. Everything I do is by choice because nothing is expected of me in those pre-workday hours. I revel in the quiet. That space is near and dear to me. Yet when I started slipping down the slippery slope of woe-is-me-ness lately, I see now, the first thing I abandoned was my precious morning time.

I turned on the repetitive loop of my Netflix favorites which lulled me back to sleep. Over and over again, until I could sleep no more. When I finally got out of bed, I felt the weight of the day on my shoulders which made it oh-so-hard to move. So I would turn on the computer or TV or any form of electronic diversion so I didn't have to think my thoughts. Doing the "hard things" that constitute my morning felt so very hard.

It isn't rocket science, but I finally figured out this small piece of the puzzle may be a good place to begin. Again.

I started getting out of bed by 5:00 a.m. or shortly thereafter. I would not allow myself to turn on my Netflix sleeping pill if the show would end after 5:00 a.m. If I woke up before that time, too bad, so sad. I would have to either fall back to sleep (if I was tired), lay there thinking my thoughts (if I didn't feel like getting out of bed) or simply get up. This was easier to accomplish than I imagined it would be.

The gains are so very well worth the loss of those two morning hours that I can never get back.

I expect little to nothing of myself in those bonus hours. By taking the burden of expectation off my shoulders I find myself puttering away at those little "hard things", to get them done and over with before the day expects something of me. Every little thing I cross off my small to-do-list makes every step forward easier.

I have not yet started writing to purge my thoughts before I start censoring myself, as Julia Cameron suggests in The Artist's Way (three handwritten pages as soon upon waking as one can manage). I don't enjoy listening to my uncensored self. I tend to be whiny, self absorbed, nit-picky, repetitive and weigh myself down with should-do's-that-rarely-get-done. Those morning pages may be cathartic but they haven't worked their magic with me. Yet.

Instead, I like to insert a little outside input (blogs &/or podcasts) into my thoughts and let that brew. I like to do a few mind exercises (word and number puzzles) and see if there are any morsels of insight that may trickle out my fingertips here. It's my personal formula, subject to change but it seems to be working. At least for now.

I love finding a podcast that speaks directly to me. More often than not, Glennon Doyle's "We Can Do Hard Things" podcast is a positive interaction (among Glennon, her sister Amanda and wife Abby) that fits the bill. The topics are thought provoking, their interaction is light and humorous and (very often) hits close to home.

I have so many Glennonisms that are my go-to-quotes and stories when I'm trying to find my way. When I speak, I often preface my sentence with "As Glennon says ...". In fact when my daughter was quoting one of my often repeated mantras to someone, she later asked "Was it Glennon or you who came up with that?"

The lower I feel, the less I can absorb. It is akin to too much rain falling on dry land. Nothing is absorbed. I'm flooded with that which should nourish my soul but nothing is seeping through the cracks. 

When I start my day early, there is enough of the dew from overnight to soften the soil which leaves a little more room to absorb the nourishment that comes from a morning shower of positive input.

When you know what works for YOU, do not deny yourself. Take back a little of what you know works, sit back and see if you can feel a difference. 

Like Bailey's in My Coffee

"What will I blog about today?" were my closing thoughts of my three handwritten pages of morning thoughts. I can't remember what I thought at the end of that page. That was 2 hours and 12 minutes ago. 

Since that time, I've dipped my toes into my bookkeeping work day, balanced my credit card record books, paid a bill, wistfully wondered how I am spending my hard-earned pay cheques, listened to Glennon Doyle's "We Can Do Hard Things" podcast (accompanied by Glennon's sister, Amanda and her wife, Abby Wambach) ... (if you are interested, you can listen to it here: We Can Do Hard Things - My Hardest Thing).

I wish I could sit down in person with Glennon and simply listen. Listen, because only she holds her own answers. Listen, because that is what we most need - the need to be heard, when we are ready to put words to our thoughts. Listen, because that is where support is rooted. In the listening.

If Glennon was silent and looking towards me for input, I would guide her back to herself. I would say, "When I don't know where to turn I have, more often than not, found my answers in my own writing." Life has a way of repeating itself. In rereading one's own experience at a distance, one can feel the familiarity of someone you trust, who has been there. That someone is yourself.

Taking a step back and listening to your own words is the greatest gift of writing down your thoughts in the middle of the messy middle. It gives you the opportunity to pat yourself on the shoulder and say to yourself, "There, there my love. You've been here before. You've found your way through a similar fate. Take what you can from the lessons you've learned from the past. I know, I know ... it IS hard. It IS different. It IS easier to say than to do. But when you can, if you can, reread your words. Your answer is within, even if that answer is to look outside for the assistance you need to wade through and beyond the middle of the hard part."

I have not walked the walk another is going through. As much as I try, I cannot know what it feels like to be in someone else's shoes. 

Glennon has written, spoken and lived her way through some of her life experience. She has parented three children. In my imagination, I think of Glennon as being a valuable role model, teacher and a strong support to each of her children. One of her children (Tish) wrote the song "We Can Do Hard Things" which is played at the end of every Tuesday morning podcast. As I listened to Tish's song at the end of today's podcast, her words, the melody, the message of Glennon's teachings all wrapped up in four minutes and eighteen seconds broke my heart wide open. It felt like a soothing balm on an open wound.

Thank you, Glennon for your masterful artistry of putting words together to form sentences, paragraphs, pages, chapters and books for us to read, absorb and instill in our lives.

Yes, we are the only ones who hold our own answers. But opening yourself up and finding those "I'm not the only one?" and "Me too!" moments within the world around you feels like a warm hug on a cold day (or "Like Bailey's in my coffee on a cool camping morning", a phrase stolen and badly paraphrased from a conversation I just heard).

P.S. It was only after I posted this, that I realized I couldn't have chose a more inappropriate title to a post that is honoring a recovering addict. Sorry, Glennon.

P.P.S. Also, please note that much of what I have written in today's post has been written and spoken of by Glennon herself. Glennon often puts words to a way I already think but is so easy to steal once a vocabulary on the topic has been formed. I discovered Glennon on March 23, 2013 (I wrote about it here - Climbing the Mountain of Life) as "proof" that I did have deep thoughts before I met Glennon through the interwebs)

Weekday Hacks

Why is it that I seem to have the ambition to do the harder, more mundane household tasks on weekdays than I do on weekends? And why in the world would I talk myself out of doing some of those "hard things" when I work from home and can interchange weekday-work with weekend-chores as long as my job gets done?

I stumbled onto this hidden treasure trove of energy on "Friday mornings". Anything I must do that will result in sweating or getting dirty is done Friday morning before I wash my hair. My scope of work is not large and anything I choose to do has time limitations. 

Eureka! Having to complete a task before a set time is a game changer. Long gone are the days when I devoted entire weekends to house cleaning, organizing, de-junking and basic "seasonal cleaning". I do much better with time constraints.

The addition of a new filing cabinet spurred on a flurry of ambition this past Sunday afternoon. I cleaned and organized until I was satisfied, then even put in several hours of work Sunday night. Getting to work in my office Monday morning was almost fun. 

Except, I still had ONE shelf in the closet to empty out so I could utilize it for office storage. The "clearing out" part was simple. The hard part was making space for the bedding I had stored on the shelf.

I woke up yesterday morning, looked up at the shelf and thought "There is no better time than 'now' to clear space for all this shelf holds". I went straight downstairs and started to work. I couldn't take on the entirety of emptying our wall full of shelving in the laundry room but I DID empty, clean and sort through at least one third of it.

I emptied and washed down the shelf in my office closet, moved the contents downstairs into the storage space I created, then came back upstairs to find this:

As soon as I started loading the shelving with items not related to cats, my furry friend ran off. And this was the final result:

In the other corner, my new filing cabinet:

Atop the filing cabinet sits the only personal touch within my home office business space. A quote from Glennon Doyle, reminding me to just keep going. One foot in front of the other. Forward steps. Do not let perfectionism stop me in my tracks. 

Setting foot in my office brings me joy. Yes, I continue to feel overwhelmed at times but having a semblance of control over my environment has made a vast difference in the way my days roll.

I woke up this morning and decided I didn't "have" to get up at 6:00 a.m. I wasn't trying to squeeze in a hair color before my day began so there was no need to get a head start on the day. Instead, I slept in until 7:00 a.m. What a rebellious act. Sleeping in on a weekday! 

Two weekday mornings in a row, I tossed in a side order of "weekend" and my load feels a lot lighter.

That said, my lost hour has caught up with me. I must head into my most excellent office space and get the day started.

May you too, find "weekday hacks" to make your journey to the weekend just a little easier to bear. 

Reaching Out

I have few of my own words this morning as I sit here within my calm and peaceful world. I am blessed in more ways than I can begin to count. But there are so very many who are in a state of struggle.

We all work through the challenges in our lives in our own unique ways. We all do what we have to do to get through the day.

All I can say from my own personal experience is when you come home from a day in the battle field and all you can do is climb into your pajamas and close out the day, be gentle with yourself. When tears accompany this lethargy be careful.

Take what you need for yourself. This is a time to be greedy.

As a person who gains strength from solitude, I know how hard it is to reach out when you are feeling at your lowest. Try anyway. Try...

 If you notice a person within your world who may be struggling, reach out. Open a door and invite them to walk through. They may or may not accept your invitation. Don't forget them. Trust the "pause". What sounds like "no" may mean "not yet". Or it may be "no". And that is okay too.

We’re not going to understand everything that happens in life. When we try to figure it all out, we become overwhelmed.

May you trust in the big picture of your live. Trust the dead ends, remember that "this too shall pass" when you hit turbulent waters.

Relinquish the need to control a situation. Relax. Trust that it will all work out in the end. If it doesn't work out, it is not the end.

"Be still and know. Then do. That is all."

Glennon Doyle

Glennon Doyle says what I wish I could. Thank you, Glennon.

A Spark

"This" may be it. I read one sentence this morning that changed the flow of my thoughts, rerouted what I thought I may do with the quiet of my morning and my fingers may or may not have typed the words that have the possibility of leading me where I most want to go next.

The sentence I read came from Glennon Doyle Melton's Facebook page, as she was commenting on the "live streaming" of her interview with Oprah. She shouted out loud, "SISTER OPRAH IS STREAMING OUR SUPER SOUL SUNDAY EPISODE RIGHT NOW! ... I am going over there to watch and comment with you. Join Us!" 

One of my fellow Canadians made this comment: "Happy Sunday, Glennon! So much love. Are you ever gonna come to Canada...?" 

AND ... this was Glennon's response: "YES! Mostly to see you!!!!" (and she tagged the person who made the original comment).

The millisecond I read this, I knew it with every fibre of my being. I will be there. The moment I read of this event, I will reserve two tickets. I am going. I don't care when, where or how much it costs. All of my hard earned profits from my sales of daycare goods will have a purpose. I will see Glennon. Live. In person.

This spurred me into going back to complete the final lesson in the "Wisdom of Story" on-line class with Brené and Glennon. The questions they asked at the end of that lesson were too hard, too big and too complicated for my weary brain to answer at the time. My body, mind and spirit have had a chance to rest and recharge. So I went back to answer the questions this morning:

WHAT BREAKS YOUR HEART?

WHAT IS AN EXISTING COMMUNITY STRUGGLE OR A GLOBAL STORY THAT YOU WANT TO INFLUENCE AND WRITE YOURSELF INTO?

HOW DO YOU WRITE YOURSELF INTO THIS STORY?

I wrote my answers. Then I took one step. One baby step. 

The moment my fingers typed the answers my head didn't know, I knew my heart to fingertip connection was powered up and running again.

The moment I typed the words, it was as if the clouds parted and the sun shone down directly upon me and beamed, "Yes, this is the way..."

I am three weeks away from clearing the time, space and resources to follow this lead. "Something bigger than me" is in control of the emotions, the drive and the pull I feel when I typed the answers to these questions. Could this be "the knowing" I have been impatiently waiting for?

Maybe.

In December, 1987 I KNEW in my heart that I wanted to create a "safe haven" for people in trouble when "the time was right". I never forgot that "knowing". I never did anything about it. But I never forgot. It was a life changing time for me and a safe haven gave me the resting spot, the quiet, the sanctuary and resources to help me through, over and past a time of great change. I have wanted to pay that favor forward ever since.

In June, 2005 I KNEW I wanted to "run an inn" or Bed & Breakfast or a quiet little home away from home - "a sanctuary" one day. One day when I retired ...

Fast forward and through many of the stops I made along the way and I found myself knee deep in despair in August, 2016 when I KNEW I had to quit running my daycare.

I have had no idea where I was going to go next. I knew I didn't have all my ducks lined up neatly in a row. The only thing I knew for sure is that I had to clear out the clutter in my life, home, heart and soul to "make room for change". I had and have no idea for certain what that "change" is ultimately going to be. 

I do know that I don't feel that all of this "clearing the way" is simply to get a new job. At least I hope not. Maybe in the end, that will be all that comes of this. Oh, how I hope that is not so. 

I DO know that I will take one step in a forward direction. One baby step. And see if it leads to the next. Maybe it will. Maybe it won't. If nothing comes of my efforts I will understand. It will be an answer: "Not now." "Not this way." "Not until you've learned more lessons."

One thing I DO know for sure is that "now" is the time to investigate, to try, to stick my neck out and take a risk. Maybe nothing will change on the outside, but oh how I hope something changes deep inside of my soul.

A spark has been ignited. I WILL go see Glennon when she comes to our neighborhood. I need to keep fanning the flame. Because something about this feels very, very right. I feel my "Field of Dreams" calling out to me again. If you build/create/fight for it ... they will come.

Happy Day to you!! May you feel a spark within your heart today. Take one brave step in a forward direction and see where it may lead. Come with me for the ride. It's going to be a good one. 

Do Not Be Afraid

These are scary times. I applied for two jobs yesterday.

Actually, I had a practise run and applied for one last week too. It was only upon rereading the information provided by the employer's description of job postings that I realized I had applied for an "internal" position. They would not be considering applications received from anyone not already working for them. You would not believe the wave of relief I felt when I read that.

I discovered something very important by that ill fated application. I do NOT want a full time job. My number one reason for rerouting my day job is the need to decrease my work schedule to a maximum of five days per week. In a perfect world, four days would suit me just fine.

As I was perusing the jobs available, I started jotting down notes about what I really did NOT want and started a list of what I am looking for.

I DO want a part time job. I DO want to work a day shift on week days. I DO want a routine, a schedule or a guideline of the times I will be expected to work. I enjoy working with numbers, words and typing. I want to start within my comfort zone, with room to grow.

The words "sales" and "marketing" make my heart clench up in apprehension. The idea of being asked to work on "call in" basis is paralyzing. When I hear the word "receptionist", I think of screening and fielding calls. I have done this. I could do it again. But I don't enjoy it. If I answer the phone and need to transfer a call, I do not want to recoil in fear of being reprimanded for how I handed the call.

I DO like the idea of having a job to do, be given firm parameters, a list of guidelines/do's and don'ts and the time and space to figure things out on my own as well as the knowledge that "mistakes happen". I want to work for someone who realizes errors are the best teachers. I do NOT want to be afraid to try and fail. I want to be encouraged to try, then ask questions to assure I am on the right track.

But most importantly, I do NOT want to start a new job until January. February would be better. I may as well aim to miss venturing out during the coldest months of winter while I'm making my wish list. If I could swing it "spring" would be a very good time to start anew. I have back-up financing in place so I can afford to take what time is necessary.

I received my very last ever pay cheque from my daycare career this morning. I will have to start dipping into my reserves by mid-month. My sales of daycare goods and supplies could pay for my shortfall this month. Considering I have been living off of a reduced wage for almost two months and October's unbudgeted expenses exceeded that of one of the full-time daycare spots I was already missing, I count that as a relative "success".

I have three more weeks of being a "full-time daycare provider". As of about noon on November 28th, I will be done. My days of child tending will be over. The time has come. I can tell it with every loud breath my little "two year old with a cold" took yesterday. When I flip the calendar page into December, I plan to hunker down in my "room with a door" and sit still with my writing. I want to see if there is a book in there somewhere. I want to see if I have what it takes to put myself out there and write for more papers. I want to be rid of the excesses by that time so I have no excuse to do anything but "be still". I need to be still within this little world of mine so I can listen for the whisper that is telling me where to go next.

I applied for two jobs yesterday. I sent them out into the world, hoping they fall into the abyss of the unnoticed, unremarkable and unaccepted file. I tried. I will continue to try. But I do not want to act out of fear. Fear is what motivated me yesterday.

My biggest fear is the fear of acceptance in an arena I don't want to fight in. The world I wished for only three short months ago is almost here. I don't want to fast track through this place. "This" is what I wanted. "This" is exactly where I wanted to be. The challenge will be to remain calm and steady while the waves of fear threaten to pull me under.

"Do not be afraid" I just Googled this phrase to find out where these words came from. I discovered I was quoting from the Bible. I've been told I do this a lot. These are the words that come to me when I am most fearful. I don't know what I believe but I do have faith. I am fighting to stay calm and the words I need to hear come directly from the Bible. Either that or from Glennon Doyle Melton. Either way, I'm listening.

Taming the Fear

Our house is very quiet these days. It is so quiet that I can actually hear myself think. I've discovered something. I don't really like listening to myself all day long, day after day, week after week. I am getting just a little tired of the incessant flow of words. I'm getting on my own nerves.

I'm so grateful I've been listening to Glennon Doyle Melton a lot lately. She has taught me that fear speaks in words. The deep, quiet sense of "knowing" is wordless. The deepest, most centred part of myself knows this but when life is in a state of transition I tend to panic and forget everything life has taught me.

The truest sense of knowing seems to be coming to me in my dreams lately. Again, these dreams are filled with words but when I hear them, I know what they are telling me is true.

One dream had someone critiquing my writing and pulling it all apart. "Too many words!" "You don't need this" "No one cares about that" and so on and so forth. I proudly showed them my edited version of the same piece of writing, with the excess words and paragraphs clearly marked. I knew this. I just didn't apply it. Even my dreams are telling me I am too wordy.

Another dream had me singing out loud and I sang with every ounce of who I was and what I had within me. I finished my song and the critic in this scenario was awestruck. They asked me who I was trying to emulate. My reply was "I was so nervous that I couldn't be anyone but myself. That was me." It was the right answer.

Yesterday, I awoke and remembered my nephew is living his dream out loud. On the radio. He has been an aspiring comedian most (all?) of his adult life. His aspirations started to become reality about eleven years ago and he has been working hard, following that path and has made quite a name for himself in the comedy business ever since. Yesterday he started co-hosting a morning radio show. He described it as an excellent way to hone his comedic skills. "This is only going to help my comedy out. I'll be quicker on my feet, I'll get more material," 

I'm so proud of that guy. He is doing what I want to do. He is doing what I think all of us should be doing. He recognized his passion early in his life. He pursued it. He persevered. He is still living the dream. He went on to say "As I once heard, a true artist would rather let his/her family starve before doing a job that isn't there art."

The messages from the universe seem to on the same theme. There was a third dream I can't quite remember but the message I got was "Give it my all. Do what I CAN and send it out into the world."

Give it my all. I don't think this is about babysitting or bookkeeping or getting a job just to pay the bills. I am not so deluded to think writing is going to be enough to pay the bills but what I do believe is "now" is the time to put my heart and soul and everything else I have into my "art", give it to the world and be content in knowing I did everything I could. And keep on writing regardless of the outcome. Because that is what I do.

I am feeling pulled in other directions when I simply follow where my heart leads. I started reading a book by Susan Jeffers and was curious about her previous books. My search led me to a "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" (based on her book of the same name) workshop which was being held in Abbotsford, B.C. in three weeks. I checked out flights, hotel and the cost of the workshop and it could easily eat up $1,000.00 in two short days. 

The old me would have thought that was a bargain. The fact this could easily be funded by my recent sales of excess daycare goods was a sign that I was destined to go. The new me, chimed in and told myself "That is a lot of money for something that only lasts a day. You could round up a group of friends who may want to join in on the journey of feeling the fear and doing it anyway" and we could meet at my place to form our own group of cheerleaders, supporters and encouragers.

I feel the role of encourager within me. These roles I'm feeling drawn to aren't necessarily money makers. They are life enhancing. 

Glennon Doyle Melton is someone I look to as an inspiration. She started her blog at a time when she needed to write honestly almost as much as she needed to breath. Her honesty built a community. This community has come together and spread love, encouragement and support (emotional as well as financial) as they unite and do the next right things. Consistently.

Glennon was just on the cusp of releasing her first book when I found her. I thought she was just a small time blog writer who turned her passion into greatness. I felt like she was "just like me" because I related to so much of what she wrote. Apparently hundreds of thousands (maybe a million or so) of others feel the same way. 

I feel my "inner Glennon" starting to find her way out of the words within my head. If she can turn her passion into a lifestyle, why can't I? It may not pay the bills but it will set me down a path where I am in a place to find my way and make decisions from a place of security and hope rather than desperation and fear. 

My time of great quiet has not officially started. It was set to begin with my Christmas holidays. I must not rake myself over the coals and feel desperate. My heart was aching for a year's leave of absence a few short months ago. I found a way to make six months a possibility. This time before Christmas was to be time spent "clearing the clutter" from our house and my mind to make the way for a place where I could be still and follow my passion, give it my all and send it out into the world when I was ready to let go.

I need to tame the fear, quiet the voices and feel the security of knowing "it will all work out in the end". 

Best. Weekend. Ever!

"Balance" is everything when it comes to my happy factor. Filling myself up with a little work, play, soul fulfilling and family time during a weekend (or any given day) and life is pretty much perfect. And such was this past long weekend.

I had one good, productive day of bookkeeping. It filled the day, I picked up supper, came home and crashed on the couch. But it was good. My work there was done. I would wake up to two more days off to follow. Oh, what one can do with TWO days!

I started each weekend day filling up on all things Brené and Glennon. Brené Brown and Glennon Doyle Melton, unbeknownst to them, are two of my soul sisters. In my mind we are the best of friends. I love hanging out with them and lucky for me, they have teamed up and created an on-line course "The Wisdom of Story" on CourageWorks.com. It's great. I could listen to them all day. But I settled for an hour or so. I filled up my soul and carried on.

Sunday morning, I had coffee with a friend who lives five hours away. She was nestled up inside her world, I was snug and cozy in mine. We picked up the phone and chatted like the good friends we are. An hour and a half with the first sister I adopted of my own. We were "related" by marriage. The marriage didn't last but our sister-in-law relationship has transcended time, distance and several life transitions. I thoroughly enjoyed our coffee date.

Then came the work.

I spent the remainder of Sunday culling, sorting, photographing and marketing the excessive daycare wares within our home. I can't believe how long it is taking to get down to what I call a "bare minimum" which is still more than any one child could ever need in a home or daycare environment. I thought this past weekend would be it. I was pulling out the "dregs" of what I have left to sell. I was convinced I could put it all up for auction. I have 27 children's items up for sale this week. Since I was "clearing out" my children's merchandise, I started adding some items to another household auction. I put 11 more items up for sale there. Total bids as of 8:45 last night were $215.00. The auction ends tonight and judging by the activity on these auctions, I suspect there will be a last minute flurry of activity and my final sales will jump from last night's total. It is a time consuming little task but I have achieved my goal of selling $1000.00 worth of belongings within 6 weeks instead of my forecast of  15 to 16 weeks to reach that total.

It was another good day's work. In fact I seem to be making a game out of this purging and selling habit I've developed. I'm thinking maybe my next career could be hiring myself out to help people purge their excess, with a clause within the contract stating I could sell whatever I found marketable for my own profit. Food for thought ...

Then I woke up to Thanksgiving Day morning. My work here was done. I could put my feet up and relax. Which I did. All morning. All I had to do was tidy the house for company, run out and buy food to serve for supper, then throw it all together, call it a meal and enjoy my company for the evening.

Well! The thing about clearing out the excess is the energy and motivation that follows. I stepped out of my cozy little oasis and did "one small thing". I believe that thing was to open up the closet doors within the laundry room to see what progress I was making there, when I realized I should clean the air exchanger. Then change the furnace filter. Why not dust, sweep and vacuum the laundry room (please note, I have not YET used the term "clean") while I was right there?

Low and behold, I found one of the missing cat toys behind the deep freeze which sent me on a mission. I ran upstairs, pulled out the oven and found no more cat toys but I did find enough cat hair to warrant literally vacuuming my way out of the laundry room, up the stairs and in behind the oven. I don't even know if I had moved the oven back against the wall when I decided I may as well pull out the fridge too. I don't want to admit how long it has been since I've done that. I've thought long and hard about it a few times over the course of the past few years but actions did not follow (in my defence, I have invested in a yard stick for the purpose of retrieving lost cat toys from under the stove and fridge and it does a very decent job at clearing out the cat hair while I'm at it).

This was crazy. My supper guests were going to be arriving in two hours and I was still in my pajamas, hadn't bought groceries nor had a shower. I felt like Mr. Incredible as he races off to save the world a few or three times while he is trying to make it to the church in time to get married. "I still have time" he says in his deep, super hero voice as he catches a few more criminals and saves a cat that was stuck in a tree along his way.

And I still hadn't scoured the bathroom or shone up the kitchen. Yikes! I was losing the battle.

I was still peeling the last of the potatoes when my company arrived. Thankfully 90% of my meal was pre-cooked or came our of a box, bag or baked goods container. All I basically had to do was just add water" (or not), heat and stir.

Voila!! We sat down to a meal well cooked (thank you Co-op deli department!) and our small, cozy family Thanksgiving supper.

I was some kind of exhilarated after such a perfectly balanced weekend of work, play, friendship and family. I sat down at the tail end of a fulfilling weekend and just exhaled. It was good. It was so good.

And the good just keeps getting better! After my guests left, I found a text message from my cousin from Ontario. She obviously must have intended to send this message to someone else, but I replied with great enthusiasm and excitement when answering her question "Will you be home tomorrow morning? I just have to drop my husband off at the airport and I'll stop by for coffee..." Hilarious, I thought. Her husband is a pilot and works out of Toronto. She obviously thought she was texting my uncle. I replied that "Of COURSE I would be home and love to have coffee!", and laughed as I added "You do know you are texting 'Colleen, in Saskatoon', do you?" And she replied that YES! She did mean to text me and that her husband was heading home from their visit to see her parents and she was staying a little longer.

Well, knock me over with a feather! I have company coming this morning!! And with my daycare crowd of "one", we should be able to work in a very good visit. AND (and this is the best part), I added "Stay for lunch! I have chicken on a bun and pumpkin pie!" I never have ready-made offerings of food to offer. Never!

If you make it, they will come ...

And they did.

Christmas

I'm waking up in the darkness these days, turning on different lights as I walk through my morning routines. This morning thoughts of Christmas and the white light which surrounds Christmas enveloped me.

I thought of two things: "light" and "noise". I am craving calming light and a soothing soundtrack right now.

The very first (and perhaps only) constructive thing I did during my summer holiday was to change the ring tones on my cell phone. I wanted sounds that were calm and soothing to my ear. The factory preset sounds were those of loud, annoying urgency. I softened the tones and felt calmer.

This morning, I noticed how peace enveloped me when lights were turned on in rooms adjacent to where I was existing. Muted lighting was soothing. I felt calmer.

Artificial light and sound feel too harsh for me right now. Sunlight, moonlight, starlight, lights in a distance are just fine. I find the lights within the kitchen too harsh, so I turn on the light above the stove or the light in the entrance ways instead. I am amazed at how much that soothes my ragged soul.

Last night, I got a text from one of my parents who found a new daycare. I was terrified to read it. I have lived this week #1 of Quiet Daycare Existence in fear that the new daycares my charges have found have not worked out and I will get an unexpected "SOS" from one of my families begging me to take their children back until they find a "better fit". I should not have been surprised to find out that I was the one who was the bad fit for these children. The mom who wrote me last night told me their children are doing great at the new daycare so far. "It's a great fit." Which makes me fearful I am not the best person for the job of tending the last daycare child left standing (which I confessed to this parent first thing this morning and she assured me they were content with the daycare arrangements as they stand).

As it is with "Christmas", the white lights and the sense of giving ... on the flip side of finding the perfect gift for one person, you fear that the other gifts you give may pale in comparison.

Also, as it is with "Christmas" I seem to be torn in what direction I need to turn first in the gift of this time of newfound quietness. There is so much I want to fit into this season of my life. I must first learn to trust it will last as long as it needs to last.

I have found the time and space to bring "Glennon" and "Brené" back into my world. I read Glennon Doyle Melton's memoir "Love Warrior" in a day. A day! Unheard of, for me (the one with the attention span of a gnat). The next morning, I went back to the online course "The Wisdom of Story" (with Glennon and Brené Brown) I had all but forgotten. Their words were meant to come to me right now. I feel a healing balm soothing my ragged soul.

My first week of living a quieter life hasn't been what I expected. I'm not sure exactly what I expected but it wasn't "this". It wasn't the week I just lived. I've coasted. I haven't worked, I haven't accomplished anything, I haven't found the quietness yet. But Glennon and Brené are showing me a path. A path only I can choose to take. One path that may or may not take me to exactly where I need to be.

"This" is not where I expected to be at this junction of my life. I thought I would have figured things out by now. But I'm still searching, still seeking, still craving. Something. I'm not sure what it is but when I find out, it will be a gift.

Merry Christmas. As if I needed to be reminded of the season I am headed towards, Mother Nature sped things along for us here. This is our new world at the moment. I wasn't quite ready for it but it came anyway. Life is a little bit like that.

Show Up Before You are Ready

"Show up before you are ready" was the summary statement of Elizabeth Gilbert's interview (conversation) with Glennon Doyle Melton (Here are some ways to listen:
direct download: http://tinyurl.com/h3bnvxm; max fun ep page: http://tinyurl.com/gl29q4t
itunes: http://tinyurl.com/zg5abpm). "Show up before you are ready" are the words which seem to be resonating within my life, my family and all the unknowns within my little world lately. Show up before you are ready.

I did the brave thing and gave notice I was closing my daycare, giving my parents four months notice before my closure. Three months before I had financially prepared for my decision, all but one of my families have "abandoned" me and moved on. I guess this was an invitation to show up before I was ready. I was shocked at first but now I feel up to the task.

I listened to Glennon talk about her "on the bathroom floor" moment when she was served an eviction from her previous life of addictions and invited to be a wife and mother. I thought of my "evictions" of the past. When I was younger, my eviction out of my old life and invitations into a new way of living were a little more dramatic and easier for the bare eye to see. Pregnancy, divorce, change of jobs and the like are out there for the world to see. What I wasn't prepared for, was this age called "55".

Eviction notices at this stage of the game show up differently. Impending loss of health, loss of loved ones, loss of those dependent upon you and in many cases retirement is around the corner so there is the loss of identity that comes in the form of shedding many of your "labels" and finding new ones.

I looked back on my blog post history yesterday to see if I could find a trend as to when I gained my momentum to write and lost it. I was 47 years old when I started up this blog. My first year, I wrote 298 posts. Percentage wise, this equates to writing 82% of the days available within the year. I reached a 100% average the year I was 50 years old, then my average hovered around 85 - 88% for the next few years and has continued on a downward spiral ever since. When I went to calculate my stats for this year-to-date, I found the reason I have had very little to submit to the papers I write for. I have written 149 out of a possible 266 days, an average of 56%. Barely more than half.

I wrote through year after my break up, I wrote through my challenging attempt at a career change, I wrote through my fears of Mom's health, I wrote through the changes and transitions of my family. I wrote through it all. This year, the year of being 55, I have almost stopped writing. Writing hurts. Writing is hard. I wrote anyway but it wasn't the same. This transition of my life has been the least dramatic and hardest to manage. This "eviction" from life as I knew it came upon me like a storm you see off in the horizon. I hunkered down and gathered what I thought I would need to survive, but the storm was not what I expected. It was a weather system that simply settled in and stayed. It's harder to deal with day after day of "bad weather" than it is to pick yourself up after a hurricane. Hurricanes are visible and newsworthy. The community bands together and unites. There is support and "new" replaces that which has been destroyed. There is a before and after. The clouds that come in and stay don't attract attention but it doesn't make it much easier to endure.

I look at my children and I think I see them wandering through some of the same stuff I'm feeling. A little bit of "this isn't what I thought my life was going to look like when I was 38/29/18". Varying thoughts from that point of view, but the underlying sameness of "this isn't what I was expecting" and the emotional backlash of thinking that thought but not talking about it. The conversations between me and each of my children varies with who they are and who I am when I'm with them.

I think that is a small part of what I am longing for. The echo of "me too" in a conversation with each of my children. I'm not going through what they are going through but I'm going through something somewhat similar. Maybe hard conversations will open up doors, ideas and communication. I'm ready to show up before I'm ready and talk about this out loud.

And now I must go to work, whether I'm ready for that or not. It's okay. I'm ready. Bring it on, day. I'm showing up for you whether I'm ready or not.

What Brutiful Moment Am I In?

Brutiful, as defined by Glennon Doyle Melton - "adj.: Life is brutal. And life is beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life’s brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly they are inseparable. We must embrace both or neither. If we reject the brutal, we reject the beautiful. Our problems stem from our refusal to surrender to the fact that life is truly more brutal and beautiful than we can imagine. We must let it be. Breathe deeply and know that if we let it come and feel it all – the brutal will make us kinder, softer, stronger, even more beautiful."

Glennon and Brené Brown have teamed up and invited the world to join them. I simply sat back and listened/watched the videos they prepared for Lesson 1 in their collaborative course on "The Wisdom of Storytelling". There is much food for thought in those minutes of conversation between two of my friends who do not yet know me.

One statement resonated with me after I walked away. "Every eviction becomes an invitation". An "eviction" can be defined in a myriad of ways. A broken relationship, a death, the end of a job, a child moving up/growing up/moving on. Anything that defines a part of your life that can be taken away can serve as an eviction.

I thought of the precipice I am presently standing on and suddenly felt a wave of relief. Life is scary for me in the moment I'm in because I've been served "eviction notice" in several areas of my life. Nothing has changed yet but it could in a New York Minute.

My job is changing. My youngest son is an adult. I am concerned about Mom living on her own. I woke up one morning during my holiday knowing I could take all of this and use it as a launching point to make some big changes within my world. I could pack everything up and start over if it was necessary right now. The world had other plans but internally, I have changed.

Nothing has changed except for the fact that I will reroute my income earning abilities by the end of the year. This one change could become the catalyst of many things. It opens doors and gives me some freedom of choice. But as of the moment, all remains the same. Except what is going on inside of me.

Change is in the air and it has transformed me from the inside, out. I feel different. I feel better. I feel more capable. I feel more powerful than I've felt in a very long time.

There is a reason nothing has changed outwardly. I am where I need to be. I still have work to do within my home and family. I need to continue on in the role I am in right now for a while longer. I need to trust this moment.

But as it was when I was ready to make a sudden move almost 29 years ago, I am just as ready to move back right now. I was waiting for an "invitation", a green light, the right time and place 29 years ago. So I was ready to jump when the window of opportunity opened. I feel like I am back in the same place right now.

"Not yet" is the message I am feeling, living and receiving at the moment. Not yet ... But I am streamlining my world so I'm ready to go when the time is right. It is just not now.

This was my Sunday morning message from "Project Happines" yesterday morning:

Project Happiness http://www.projecthappiness.org/

#SoulSunday Challenge: Try this radical trust today - As the events of your day unfold, honor each with the acknowledgement, "Right on time." This dissolves resistance to what-is, and if you practice it enough, don't be surprised if someday soon you look around and notice the events of your life lining up in your favor...right on time. 

The world knows. Don't rush the moment. Trust in the moment you are in.

A Minor Crisis of Epic Proportions

I can feel it with every fibre of my being this morning. I'm starting to rise again. This has been a long time coming. It is my hope that the harder one has to work, the longer one has to wait and the more desperate one becomes before a change, the longer the transformation will last.

I knew this. I knew I was having my "on the floor" moment, minus the crisis. There was no drama, no fanfare nor any one catalyst that drew attention to the fact that I was losing the battle. It was quiet, undramatic and invisible to the naked eye. I was undergoing a minor crisis of epic proportions and the way it presented itself to me was a low grade depression I could not kick, with a side order of annoying little pains and topped off with an optic migraine.

I have never had a migraine headache so I was completely unaware of the optical symptoms which accompany it. My eyes simply went weird on me and it scared my socks off. My over imaginative brain had all sorts of ideas going on inside of it, from something sitting on my optic nerve, to a brain aneurysm, to a tumor, to simply a detached retina. Thankfully it was none of the above. It was a migraine headache without the pain.

Pain without a cause seems to be the common denominator within several of my recent symptoms. A sore wrist turned into a sore thumb when I went for physical therapy to cure a pain that may or may not have existed in the first place (I'm certain it existed otherwise my imagination is taking over my reality and that is too frightening to consider). I told the therapist I had a sore wrist and he "ruined" my thumb on his assumption (or my miscommunication skills) that it was related. On a positive note, my thumb pain has exceeded my wrist pain so I guess that is something. I have yet to recover from one session of physical therapy. This happened the last time went to that very office. The cure was worse than the symptom. Which makes me wonder if I was really feeling physical pain to begin with, or if this was all in my head. The opposite of my painless migraine.

Last week, it was a toothache which woke me up in the middle of the night and lasted for four days. Obviously I was not imagining this because I couldn't eat or place any pressure on that side of my mouth. So I booked an early morning emergency dental appointment to fix whatever was going wrong because I didn't have time to go twice, for something I needed fixed immediately. What happened instead, was they took an X-ray and there was no physical reason for my toothache. The dentist's best guess is that I injured a ligament in  my tooth and only time would heal it. Or else the nerve was dying and a root canal would become necessary eventually. But for that day, there was physically no reason for my pain and nothing he could do to fix it.

What the heck? I came home and wondered if I have reached the age where doctors look at you and decide you aren't worth fixing any more or if I was simply imagining things. This morning, I started thinking of my invisible "rock bottom moment" without a defined crisis to warrant the event and I started to wonder if these physical symptoms without a cause was related. The pain was real in both cases (physically and mentally) but there was no excuse for it.

Hmmm.

I walked into my doctor's office for my annual physical check-up days after my "ocular migraine" feeling absolutely defeated. I felt mentally and physically spent. I didn't know what to do. I was stuck at a crossroad and it looked like a dead end. I wasn't in pain but I was (or must have been) displaying symptoms of arthritis so she offered me a perscription for "Cymbalta".  which treats depression, with the added benefit of alleviating chronic pain disorders such as arthritis. The idea of taking a pill which would fix all that ailed me sounded like the best and easiest way out. I had been trying to dig myself out of the pit I had fallen into for the better part of a year. On my own, I couldn't get a strong foothold before I fell back, with every forward step. "Sign me up!" was all I could think in that very moment. She also suggested taking some arthritic painkillers to help with the no-grade pain that was causing me to slow down.

I felt euphoric when I walked out of that office, thinking I had found my solution. Call it cosmic timing, call it what you may but within a day of that event, I went out to Mom's after she broke her wrist and was dealing with physical pain with a very real and defined cause. All I could think after I returned home from my visit was her insistence that she didn't want to become reliant or addicted to any pain medication. "You feel pain for a reason" was her logic. We countered with the argument "Why feel pain if you don't have to?"

"Why feel pain if you don't have to?" The words haunted me. I stopped taking the arthritic pain killers immediately and a few weeks later, I called my doctor and told her I want to stop taking the Cymbalta. It was after I was weaned off of that medication when my tooth started to ache (well, it was also after I ate some popcorn, so I really thought my toothache was popcorn related). It was after I was told there was no reason for my tooth to ache when I truly started to question what was going on with "me".

Then I listened to another one of Glennon Melton Doyle's podcasts this morning and she talked about "rock bottom moments" and the need to not only FEEL your pain but she has actually found herself running towards it "because that's where the good stuff is" (she writes about it here: http://momastery.com/blog/2015/04/21/pain-mistake/).

I looked back on my "rock bottom moments", the moments when life brought me to my knees and YES! I totally agree and have always said (even before I knew Glennon so well) that these were the moments that changed me, rerouted my life and took me where I needed to go. Pregnant and unmarried at the age of 17, then divorced by age 18; uprooting my life and my family with little more than the clothes on my back at age 27; single and pregnant (again) at the age of 37; alone and broken hearted (after what I KNEW was going to be the relationship which I would last for the rest of my life time) at the age of 46. THESE were all of my "fall to the floor broken, broken hearted" moments that defined me and changed my life. These were awful in the moment but took me to the very best of places.

Then came the more subtle "rock bottom moments". A stream of bad work experiences outside of my home brought me back "home again". I reopened my daycare. I was still broken and wounded. I had learned lessons but I didn't take those lessons and incorporate them into my life moving forward. I simply internalized them. I lived in an insulated world of safety and acceptance for four years. Then came this year. The year of "pain without a cause".

I had hit rock bottom and there was no evidence that I was there. There was no dramatic crash. It was quiet but just as painful. And it was lonely. Lonely because I did not invite anyone into the abyss. "Yes, I'm okay. I went through a tough spell but I learned a lot." I surrounded myself within my insulated world, worked for parents who appreciated and were (are) so very kind to me. Life was good. I had no reason to complain. Except for this low grade pain I couldn't make go away. Was this the reason my body was starting to hurt for no physical reason?

I started my holiday by listening to Glennon Doyle Melton at "The Beautiful Writers Podcast": https://soundcloud.com/user-780938996/martha-beck-glennon-melton-interview-ver-2-7-29-2016 and I knew. I just KNEW I had to close my daycare and take a chance on my future. I was willing to cash in on my pension to fund my transition but I knew it with the certainty that I had to end my marriage once and for all. I knew my life depended on it. I simply KNEW.

The decision to close my daycare has been made with grace, with four month's warning and lots of time for all of us to readjust. My daycare parents, as always, have been nothing but kind to me as I explained my need to close my doors.

In closing one door, I started talking again. By talking, another door opened. By opening up and not pretending I was okay living in discomfort, I found comfort. And the opportunity to earn an income during this transitional phase.

In order for new doors to open, we have to close other doors. Standing in the doorway with one foot in both places is not my way. I'm either "all in" or I'm "all out". I have to be out of one place before I'm ready to step into another.

I have faith in the future but I need to be honest with myself and "real" with the people who walk beside me as I take steps toward uncertainty. I don't need advise or guidance. I simply need to be honest. Every single time I have been honest, I hear honesty echoed back to me. This is the world I want and need to live in. I'm not exactly sure what it looks like right now. But I know I'm one step closer than I was yesterday.

A Boring Little Day (aka: A Boring Little Post)

I must have done something right yesterday because I slept soundly through the night for the first time in a very, very long time. What was the magical formula?

I filled myself up with inspiration and the words of my most favorite blog writer, book writer, public speaker and advocate for so many. Glennon Doyle Melton is truly my go-to person at the moment. She lifts me up, makes me feel okay to be imperfect and simply urges me to to "the next right thing". I like her. 

After my Glennon fix, I wrote. It wasn't good. It was a collection of words that really didn't matter. But the thing I am discovering is if I allow myself to ramble there is often a small nugget of something that matters that hits the screen before I hit "Publish". My writing has really suffered this past long while. I have stopped writing what I've been thinking so much and for so long, that I think I may have stopped thinking. That is wrong. I still think. I have been conspiring. I've been creating an upcoming new season in my life and the writers are still out over "what happens next". I think it could be good though. Though I'm not excited, I am anticipating the change. Anticipation without dread is a very good spot when you are uprooting your life. I'll take quiet anticipation.

Then, I got up and did one small thing. Which led to several other small things. I took the mess which was our basement and made it ten times worse. Then my son asked me what he could do to help, so I sent him out to the garage to do a few tasks I have been putting off. I asked him to set up a few daycare items so I could photograph and measure them so I can list them on an auction site. I basically culled through all of my daycare excess and started the organization process to get everything I plan to sell ready for auction. It's a mess right now. Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. This is one of those times. It is coming. But it hasn't happened yet. More anticipation.

A friend called when I was hitting my wind-down mode. I could have and should have kept going but I had hit a point where I could stop and talk with a friend. That is exactly what we did. For over two hours. I didn't have to leave the house, I didn't have to get cleaned up. I simply visited with a friend in the mess which was our home and took a break.

While we were talking, I assembled a meal out of leftovers. I had planned to run out to McDonald's as a reward for my productive day but I have a sore tooth and I really wanted something soft that didn't require a lot of chewing. So I ate a decent meal, wound down in front of the TV and revelled in several episodes of the Gilmore Girls and called it a day.

It was a boring little day but it was "the beginning of productive". Why I didn't start this mini productive spell at the onset of the weekend is anyone's guess. The honest answer is because I was feeling incredibly lazy. I keep telling myself I must have needed a few days of doing nothing because I did it so well. "Starting" is half three quarters of the battle. I sit and think, then overthink, then convince myself the task set before me is undo-able before I talk myself out of starting, which then makes the starting process even harder.

I started by turning on the light and doing "the next right thing". I simply began. Following through is so much easier once the challenge of starting has been overcome. I have begun. I have a long way to go but I have started.

I have sixteen weeks before my daycare closes and I do not want to start the job of culling, selling and donating my excess when I am done. By the time this daycare is wound down, I want my slate almost clean. I want to start over without feeling bogged down by excess, things to be done and the feeling of being overwhelmed. Life has felt very "heavy" lately and by the look of what one day uncovered, I think I know why. 

I want to lighten my load, literally and figuratively. I want to live a quiet, simple little life. A life that would fit into 500 square feet sounds very good right about now. 

Monday's Musings

Instead of sitting here one more day, waiting for deep thoughts, perspective and inspiration to hit me like a ton of bricks, I am simply going to sit still and type for a while. I'm going to "show up before I'm ready", as per Glennon Melton Doyle's advise.

I have been "sitting still" and reading, watching and listening to Glennon this morning. I wish she was aware of what good friends we have become but somehow I think I'm lost in the masses who adore and admire her. I look to her for inspiration and perspective. I think we could sit down and be friends (as I'm certain anyone who absorbs what she writes feels). I am not alone when I sit still with Glennon. She fills me up when I am empty. She makes me feel perfect within my imperfections. She makes me appreciate the blessing it is to be "human" and all it entails. She makes me think and strive to do "the next right thing"...

Yes, Glennon "makes" me do a lot, doesn't she? She is one of those friends you know bring out the best and finest within you. If you simply follow one of her strategies or incorporate one of her many "Glennonisms" into your inner dialogue, you will start to become more of who you are meant to be.

I am one week away from the beginning of a new online course hosted by Glennon and her friend "Brené Brown". Yes! "The Wisdom of Story" is Brené's newest online course, with the suggested reading "Love Warrior" (Glennon Doyle Melton's new book which is being released tomorrow). Add this great news to the fact that Glennon will be Oprah's guest on "Super Soul Sunday" on OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network) on September 11th and you can only imagine my elation to be so saturated with all things "Glennon", with a side order of Brené and Oprah!

Yes, I am hyped. Yes, I am ready. Yes, I need another infusion of positivity, enthusiasm and a shot of inspiration to propel me forward and through this phase of life I seem to be finding uncomfortable and hard to push through.

I have squandered an entire long weekend. I knew I should have done the "hard things" first. But I didn't. I turned on the TV instead. I got lost in my Gilmore Girl marathon and when I tired of that, I tuned into the Home and Garden Network to lose myself in the idea of rebuilding, renovating and making the most of the home I already have. And I did nothing.

I try to tell myself that I needed this long weekend to do whatever I felt like doing. This has been my version of rest and relaxation. But deep inside, I know that what I chose to fill myself up with was akin to drugs, alcohol, food and overspending. I was filling a void within by watching mindless TV, when what I needed to be doing was starting small and dealing with the mountains of "undone" tasks in and around our home. I needed to simply do the "next right thing" even if that right thing is not going to change the world.

I am committed to 16 full weeks of daycare before I hang up my daycare cape. Sixteen weeks to cull through the excess and downsize. Sixteen weeks to reimagine our home without a daycare within. Sixteen weeks to reroute my thoughts, my future and my finances. Sixteen weeks to dream of a new future with me driving my own "train". Glennon tells me I should not lose myself in my roles within my life, but instead I am to envision I am a train and I unload and take on new cargo as I go along. Glennon defines herself as a "Child of God". I am unsure how I define myself. Perhaps that is why my train feels like it is simply going in circles. My cargo is getting to be too heavy because I keep adding to my load without off-loading anything along the way.

My new vision is an empty downstairs play room. What will replace that void? My new vision leaves me three empty bedrooms upstairs. Is this why I keep falling back on the idea of renting out some of the space within this house of ours? My new vision has some blank spaces that may or may not need to be filled. Since I was seriously considering taking a year's "leave of absence" from the world of work so I could find myself, my passion and my drive again, is it possible for me to reduce my work week so I can have the best of both worlds? My new vision includes a more contented self. Will a week of not being driven by the needs of one to three year olds increase my attention span? Or will I need to disconnect from my cell phone, Internet and all social media to succeed at that?

My new vision of my life includes incorporating habits I can start doing immediately. Turning off the computer, walking away from my cell phone, turning off the TV, walking, reaching out to people more often and carving out time to write. These are a few of my must-do items in order to feel and live life more genuinely.

Maybe that is a little harsh. I may not be able to successfully disconnect from the world but I could definitely work within some guidelines. Reducing my screen time (including that time which I spend in front of the television screen) will enhance my life greatly. I was a better daycare provider, friend, writer, mover and shaker when the Internet, TV and cell phone weren't always on and buzzing in my face and in the background of my days.

I think I know where I must start. But I don't have the strength to rid myself of the TV in my bedroom oasis right now. But I could start in the playroom. It is filled with items which others may need and use more than I. It is a very good place to start.

But in the meantime, if you haven't banished yourself from "screen time", may I direct you towards some places which I have found inspiration, ambition and a little bit of courage?

Click here to read about the story of Glennon meeting her new warrior friend and her upcoming appearance on "Super Soul Sunday".

Click here to learn a little bit about the upcoming course "The Wisdom of Story" with Glennon and Brené.

Click here to find out if Glennon's new book "Love Warrior" is something you would like to read

But if you simply want to sit back and be entertained and inspired, here is one of Glennon's first videos I ever watched. Her TEDx talk:

May your day be inspired and filled with exactly what you need right now. "Happy Monday" to you.