Do Not Be Afraid

These are scary times. I applied for two jobs yesterday.

Actually, I had a practise run and applied for one last week too. It was only upon rereading the information provided by the employer's description of job postings that I realized I had applied for an "internal" position. They would not be considering applications received from anyone not already working for them. You would not believe the wave of relief I felt when I read that.

I discovered something very important by that ill fated application. I do NOT want a full time job. My number one reason for rerouting my day job is the need to decrease my work schedule to a maximum of five days per week. In a perfect world, four days would suit me just fine.

As I was perusing the jobs available, I started jotting down notes about what I really did NOT want and started a list of what I am looking for.

I DO want a part time job. I DO want to work a day shift on week days. I DO want a routine, a schedule or a guideline of the times I will be expected to work. I enjoy working with numbers, words and typing. I want to start within my comfort zone, with room to grow.

The words "sales" and "marketing" make my heart clench up in apprehension. The idea of being asked to work on "call in" basis is paralyzing. When I hear the word "receptionist", I think of screening and fielding calls. I have done this. I could do it again. But I don't enjoy it. If I answer the phone and need to transfer a call, I do not want to recoil in fear of being reprimanded for how I handed the call.

I DO like the idea of having a job to do, be given firm parameters, a list of guidelines/do's and don'ts and the time and space to figure things out on my own as well as the knowledge that "mistakes happen". I want to work for someone who realizes errors are the best teachers. I do NOT want to be afraid to try and fail. I want to be encouraged to try, then ask questions to assure I am on the right track.

But most importantly, I do NOT want to start a new job until January. February would be better. I may as well aim to miss venturing out during the coldest months of winter while I'm making my wish list. If I could swing it "spring" would be a very good time to start anew. I have back-up financing in place so I can afford to take what time is necessary.

I received my very last ever pay cheque from my daycare career this morning. I will have to start dipping into my reserves by mid-month. My sales of daycare goods and supplies could pay for my shortfall this month. Considering I have been living off of a reduced wage for almost two months and October's unbudgeted expenses exceeded that of one of the full-time daycare spots I was already missing, I count that as a relative "success".

I have three more weeks of being a "full-time daycare provider". As of about noon on November 28th, I will be done. My days of child tending will be over. The time has come. I can tell it with every loud breath my little "two year old with a cold" took yesterday. When I flip the calendar page into December, I plan to hunker down in my "room with a door" and sit still with my writing. I want to see if there is a book in there somewhere. I want to see if I have what it takes to put myself out there and write for more papers. I want to be rid of the excesses by that time so I have no excuse to do anything but "be still". I need to be still within this little world of mine so I can listen for the whisper that is telling me where to go next.

I applied for two jobs yesterday. I sent them out into the world, hoping they fall into the abyss of the unnoticed, unremarkable and unaccepted file. I tried. I will continue to try. But I do not want to act out of fear. Fear is what motivated me yesterday.

My biggest fear is the fear of acceptance in an arena I don't want to fight in. The world I wished for only three short months ago is almost here. I don't want to fast track through this place. "This" is what I wanted. "This" is exactly where I wanted to be. The challenge will be to remain calm and steady while the waves of fear threaten to pull me under.

"Do not be afraid" I just Googled this phrase to find out where these words came from. I discovered I was quoting from the Bible. I've been told I do this a lot. These are the words that come to me when I am most fearful. I don't know what I believe but I do have faith. I am fighting to stay calm and the words I need to hear come directly from the Bible. Either that or from Glennon Doyle Melton. Either way, I'm listening.