Life is Too Short to Write With Crappy Pens!

Ranting about "things that really don't matter" seems to be at the tip of my fingertips these days. Please forgive me while I carry on one (hopefully) last time.

Please note: Complaining for the sole purpose of complaining, without looking for solutions is NOT my goal. Any griping on my part must be counteracted with action. 

Spoiler alert: Today's rant comes with a potentially happy ending.

On with the show ...

Tell me, am I the only one on earth who is bothered by pens that don't write? Brand new pens, even with their "tip seals" (a small ball of wax on the tip of the pen) to ensure the pen's freshness, that stop writing intermittently, unexpectedly and frequently.

As I have committed to writing three pages by longhand each and every morning, finding a pen that will stand by this commitment is pivotal to this ongoing habit's success. I purchased a tried and true brand that had never let me down before to ensure my journalling success. The first pen worked so well, I gifted the remaining two pens in the package to my fellow journallers. An offer akin to swapping blood to become blood brothers, I offered pens to instil an ink-sister kinship.

Giving away that which brings me joy is one of my favorite things to do. I love to spread my joy. Whether it is my most favorite tea towels, socks, a miracle pillow or simply my favorite hassle free pen. If I love it and think you would love it, nothing makes me happier than sharing some of my tried and true favorite things (I feel like Oprah and Ellen, who have turned their "favorite things" into an audience favorite). 

Anyway ... short story, long ...

I went to replace my most favorite pens and the next package didn't write reliably. I was writing on the same kind of notepaper. Nothing had changed. Just a new package of pens. I was soooooo frustrated. I persevered until each pen in the package officially ran out of ink and I shopped for a replacement brand of pen. No luck. I am two pens into another package of four (I should have purchased one pen at a time until I knew for sure. My mistake).

As I fought with the second new pen and it was worse than the one before, I silently screamed in my head, "Life is too short to write with crappy pens!!!"

Before I tossed the whole lot of them, I decided to check the packaging. Maybe there was a "best before" date and I simply bought pens where the ink was drying out. No luck. 

But I did find a phone number my first package of pens. "If you are not completely satisfied with your product, please contact us at ...."

So I called. I had the chance to voice my complaint and in return, the company has the opportunity to make it right. They will be sending me replacement pens and I should receive them within two weeks. 

There is truly no reason to complain if you don't give the other party a chance to make amends. My second brand of pens came with no such guarantee but I may try to return the to the store where I made the purchase. The worst they can say is "no".

Ranting and raving and feeling angry steals our joy. Finding solutions (see yesterday's post, where all I had to do was flip my top sheet upside down to fix the problem), alternatives or going to the source and putting a voice to the concern is empowering.

Life IS too short to write with crappy pens. I WILL live to write another day. In the meantime, there is another brand of pen that has served me well. If at first you don't succeed, just keep trying. Or as Dory (from Finding Nemo) would say, "Just keep swimming..."

Think Horses, Not Zebras

It has been a productive week. It's amazing what adding a few hours onto the end of one's day can produce.

I stained the entire deck in the after supper &/or after work hours of the past week. I didn't have to go to my second job yesterday so I put in some extra hours at my first job and accomplished so much.

I have woken up in the middle of the night, unable to go back to sleep for three straight nights. All work related. I was certain last night my mind would be at rest and I'd sleep through the night with ease. I was wrong.

I left work with two unsolved mysteries. One of the mysteries was where in the world did I put something I just saw a few days ago?

I worked through and filed away almost everything in my basket. I went through everything page by page. Nothing.

I recreated what was missing to the best of my ability. But I was still missing a letter that arrived by mail (a person certainly gets accustomed to having access to an email back up copy of things). I was mystified and disappointed.

"Where did I put it?!?" I lamented to my boss. She reassured me that it was here somewhere. Nothing walks out the door but some days it sure feels like there is a gremlin in our midst as something we just had in our hand disappears in plain sight.

The entire week felt like a blur. I dealt with month end and quarterly types of deadlines. Payroll, GST, reconstructing an account, tail ends of an enormous task that has overtaken our weeks and so much more. All I could think, is that I must have accidentally picked up this paperwork and accidentally filed it away with something I had been working on this week.

"I just had it in my hands!" What did I do with it?

I would come back and look another day. Hours after my usual quitting time, I packed it up and headed off into the weekend. Not a bad day at the office. But those two unsolved mysteries plagued my sleep last night.

Then ... POOF!! The moment my eyes opened for the day this morning, I knew where the missing paperwork was. I filed it where it belonged. I remember thinking "I don't want to lose this so I'll file it so it doesn't get misplaced."

Who would have guessed? Look in the file.

Sometimes the hardest questions have the simplest of answers.

As they say on Grey's Anatomy: "We teach residents, when you hear hoof beats, think horses, not zebras. It means that the most obvious answer is usually right."

Ahhh!! It has been a busy and fulfilling week. I am going to pour myself a second cup of coffee and enjoy a quiet morning at home.

73

As my ambition levels ebb and flow like my moods, I was giving myself a good talking to this morning. "What is wrong with you?", I asked myself.

How old was Mom when she took the bull by the horns and simply started ripping up carpet after the Great Flood of 2001 saturated my brother's newly acquired home? I did some mental calculations and came up with the number "73".

73 ... 73 ... 73 ...

The number kept repeating through my mind. I thought of Mom's ambition and willingness to take on most any task.

I thought of Mom at my age and I am embarrassed. I don't hold a candle to what Mom accomplished at my age and older.

I think of my sisters and their work ethic, their ambition and energy. They take after Mom. I think of my brother who holds down a full time job, yet he still takes on home and yard maintenance at the end of his days and weeks. He has Dad's qualities.

I was trying to give myself a pass and reminded myself that my sisters and brother are all married. Does having a spouse to share the financial, physical and emotional load make a difference? Then again, I thought of Mom. She was on her own after the age of 55 until the end of her days. My lack of spouse theory doesn't hold water.

I think of Dad at my age and he was hospitalized with a debilitating heart attack days before his 58th birthday. Have I mentally capped out at the age Dad was when we lost him? Is this mental fatigue or am I simply lazy?

My moods are subject to the ebbs and flows of the moon, life in general and perhaps I'm hard wired this way. It shouldn't surprise me that my ambition levels mirror these hills and valleys.

What I do know to be true, is that work, accomplishing something and simply taking the next forward step is the best way out and through these doldrums.

Yet, here I sit. I am listening to the shinglers up on my roof toiling away and literally taking care of the roof over my head. The ambition will come. I can feel it bubbling up inside of me. But right now? In this moment? I am comforted in the knowledge our roof is in good hands. Taking care of the basics helps one weather the storms ahead. Not that I see any storms in my forecast, but that knowledge is key. 

Life is a marathon. I think I have treated it like a 100 yard dash. My ambition comes in waves and then I wonder why I'm exhausted in the aftermath. If I'm going to attain the stamina Mom had at the age of 73, slow and steady is the way to go. Just. Don't. Stop.

Adjustments

I'm not a big fan of change. Judging by the way our cat family have taken to the change of our bedroom, I would say changing where one sleeps says a lot about a person (or cat).

Night #1 - I felt like I didn't sleep at all. I tossed. I turned. I kept waking up. I felt unsettled. I missed the presence of our Senior Cat of the house (Ray). He didn't find his spot to sleep in my room at all that night. In fact, when I woke up one time I searched the house to find our missing cats. By morning,our Second Cat in Command (Jet) was resting comfortably at the foot of my bed.

Night #2 - I slept better than the first night. Jet resumed his previous morning's resting spot quite early in the evening. Ray hopped up near my head and tapped me for a few middle-of-the-night head scratches. But for the most part, he was missing in action.

Night #3 - Ray was still pretty skittish about this new sleeping arrangement. He had grown quite accustomed to his spot in the far off corner of our king sized bed in our downstairs bedroom. This queen sized bed is quite an adjustment. Where is someone to sleep if they don't like to be touched, disturbed and can comfortably keep their eye on things from afar? 

Morning #4 - I awoke to find Ray resting uncomfortably in a trial sleeping spot on the opposite corner of where Jet was snoozing. 

I found myself sleeping diagonally across the bed to create a comfortable boundary for the two cats slumbering at my side. 

A combination of the diagonal sleeping position plus a layering of pillows and not having the TV on throughout the night seems to be working for me. 

Sleeping crosswise on the bed creates a safe space for all three of us. I am quite comfortable to find myself smack dab in the middle of our un-snugly cats. I have room to move without disturbing either one of them.

I stumbled across a magical combination of a memory foam pillow plus a down pillow which seems to be cradling my neck while supporting my head. I haven't woken up with a sore neck for two mornings now. This is heavenly.

The TV/DVD combo, minus a Netflix connection didn't work for me. Instead, I have been utilizing the Netflix channel on my phone which turns itself off completely when a show ends. No white light. No subliminal "hum" of an operational appliance left on. Silence plus the natural light of the rising sun, with a cat on each side of me is starting to feel good.

This adjustment has not been without its trials. But we are figuring things out.

Jet - is who I want to be. He assesses the situation, finds a new normal, is comfortable with that change and adapts quickly.

Ray - is me to the extreme. He likes security, routine and does not like his comfort zone being violated. He assesses the situation and walks away. When he realizes this may be the new normal he checks things out and still walks away. When he is feeling a little antsy about the fact that he misses his old reality, he gently taps me on the head in the middle of the night for reassurance (or was that the night the cat food ran low - I can't remember for sure). When all else fails, he tries to adjust. It isn't easy. It isn't comfortable. He prefers the old way. But he tries.

Me - I reason myself through this adjustment and convince myself "change is good". I have an internal dialogue which is continually going back on forth on the pros and cons of the move. The biggest part of me is following the calling of the sun. I believe my moods are highly influenced by the moon. The whimsical part of me just follows the stars ...

I think I should follow Jet's lead. He doesn't think. He simply does what feels good. Ray does a little bit of that too. The reason I know this to be true is because within minutes of me opening the bedroom door and availing the space to our cats, this is what I found:

Jet - under the covers
Ray - as close as he ever gets to snuggling (atop the covers and right beside Jet)

It's a good move. Who ever said good is always easy. It is simply an adjustment to our norm. Ray and I have a bit more trouble with realigning ourselves with our new reality.

Adjustment periods are hard.

Running on Empty

I have a small (10 ml) tube of lip balm that I have been squeezing dry for several months now. I thought the tube was almost empty when I started playing this game of rolling it up from the bottom and squeezing what I could out of the dregs of this tube.

I already have a plan to cut open the tube after the tube runs dry. But this tube just keeps giving and giving. Then giving some more.

Yesterday morning, I was almost certain would be the day. The day prior was almost a "no go". Yet, when I started the ritual of rolling up the tube from the bottom, lip balm started squirting out the opening from an air pocket which had been created. 

This little tube just keeps giving and giving. It has come to symbolize what "running on empty" means to me.

Even when we look depleted, feel depleted, have served our purpose and have squeezed every last bit of life out of whatever we have to give ... there is often just a little bit more within us than we realize.

I see this trait within people who have earned the privilege to simply put their feet up and enjoy life. Yet they keep on going, working, giving and striving some more. 

Running on empty looks different on everyone. I hope I remember to think of this little tube (and the people who have modelled this way of living) every time I feel depleted and empty. 

Don't give up. You have more within you than you are giving yourself credit for ...

Finding a Good Fit

Have you ever struggled and struggled to make something work? Despite the fact that you know you want something so much, the fit just isn't comfortable. But you try, try and try some more?

A job. A relationship. A piece of clothing that looked so good in the store. A house. A car.

There are so very many things we try to make work in our lives. Yet ... it just isn't right.

Meet "Jet". Our Bored Little Kitty.

Jet is a master of wanting what he can't have. 

He enjoys tormenting "Ray" (his senior partner in cathood). I do believe this is a ploy to get our attention. 

He claws, picks and scratches at the back door because he wants it open when HE wants it open. 

Jet is a fan of "new". He is a guy who appears to thrive on change. New toys, a new paper bag, a box or anything without a familiar scent. 

This morning, he jumped onto our paper shredder and somehow managed to turn it on. Thankfully he was not alone. The shredder would have run all day and who knows what trouble Jet's curiosity could have caused. He did turn on the "reverse" function so one can hope all would have been fine. I took the lesson out of Jet's misdeed and unplugged the shredder. It never should have been left plugged in to start with. 

Kids and cats. You never know what danger lurks until you share a roof with those who are in a constant state of discovering the world.

This has become Jet's newest morning resting spot:

He is presently resting atop the printer. He jumps up there, mangles any papers which may have preceded his presence. He turns in circles, turns the printer "on", on a regular basis (he hasn't sent a fax in a while, though he has tried in the past) and struggles to find a comfortable place to rest. 

As it is with those clothes, relationships, jobs, etc, etc that are just not a good fit no matter how hard we try, I must ask Jet this question:

"If you have to struggle so hard to make this work for you ... do you really think this is where you are meant to be right now?"

May you find comfort within your day today.

Jet may add a P.S.: 

"If you can make an uncomfortable situation comfortable, perhaps it IS worth the effort."

Let the Sun Shine In!

I did it. I finally did it! I washed windows yesterday and now I am ready for winter. The dust, the haze, the grime is gone (at least for now) and the sun can come shining through our windows without mocking me.

Have you ever noticed how the sun can take what appears to be a relatively tidy house and show up all of the dust, water marks and grime that you didn't notice on a dark and cloudy day?

I woke up yesterday morning and my knees went weak when I thought of what I expected to do with the day in front of me. I knew the world would not end if I had another wasted day but I was well aware that this beautiful fall weather is not going to last forever. If I wanted clean windows, I had to clean while the cleaning was good.

I opened up every blind in the house and let the sun (try to) shine in and shame me into cleaning. Then I sat down.

I went through my morning paces. I did what I always do, with one important omission. I did not turn on the television.

The TV is my kryptonite. It saps my power and drains my ambition. And I love every moment of it. It is a crazy addiction, but it is what it is.

The television was powerless over me yesterday. Instead of tuning into the Home and Garden Network, I made one more cup of coffee and wrote a letter to my mom. I used to write to her every Sunday. Then it got pushed to a job I tried to squeeze into Monday. Lately I have been forgetting to write on Monday and sending off a page of words written in a panic stricken mode on Tuesday.

The words fell off my fingertips and it felt like old times. I was more "me" than I have been in a long time. One thought led to another and I called my uncle before I wrapped up Mom's letter. We had a nice chat, I came back and finished my letter, then I turned on the radio.

Music energizes me. I barely heard the music yesterday because I started working in the room furthest from the radio and started my mission by turning on the vacuum cleaner.

I was no white tornado. I didn't break any speed records but I just kept moving. I learned one lesson yesterday. It is much more fun cleaning a clean house, than it is cleaning one where there seems to be no end to the dirt, dust and cat hair. If I can just get a handle on the excessive amount of cleaning-not-done, I hope "maintenance" will come naturally.

I sat down at the day's end and revelled in the knowledge that I had done hard things. I cleaned what is (almost) invisible to the naked eye and I felt ever so much better than I would have, had I spent the day in front of the television set.

I woke up this morning and quietly wondered what my priorities would be if life-as-I-knew-it was coming to an end. Would my priorities be house cleaning and maintenance? Or would my to-do list be converted into relationship-building exercises?

I know without a doubt, I would watch less TV and listen to more music. I would write more personal notes and abandon this writing-out-loud gig until I had something worth writing about. I would do more and sit less. I would start taking risks again...

I have sat back and lived a very safe life this past year.

A year ago, at this time, I was in the end-stages of organizing a family reunion and distributing our family's book of memories which had been a big part of the preceding six years. I finished that and was catapulted straight into Christmas projects and letters. I was afraid of what "winter" may bring, so I planned a frivolous trip to see Dancing with the Stars in Las Vegas. Then Mom got sick and my world stopped spinning.

The only way I could push myself out of worrying about the immediate future was to try and plan something with Mom. So I threw out an invitation for her to join me on a trip. Four months after her surgery, we went on that trip. We came home and revelled in the company of family at another family reunion the weekend after that.

My summer holiday was short and sweet this past year. I utilized my time well and spent my time, energy and money on our home which had been sorely neglected the previous six years ("I can't waste my time cleaning when I should be writing a book" was my excuse). But one week of vacation was not enough. I was beyond exhausted. And television won.

My priorities have shifted. I need to focus inward before I can reflect outward and set goals outside of waking up and pushing through another day. I need to take care of what I have before I can look out and wish for anything more. I need clean windows so the sun can shine in no matter how short our days become and how cold it gets.

I need the sun to shine in so I can look out and see what lies beyond these four safe walls. Most of all, I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and just move forward. One small step at a time.

Holding Onto What is Good

Holding onto what I have verses letting go of the excess and that which is no longer needed has been my challenge of late.

It sounds easier than the reality.

But when I find a good home for items which have been collecting dust for years on end, it does my heart good.

It was almost five months ago when I started a mini decluttering spree. I boxed up and donated a lot of the excess.

At the end of that burst of energy, I ended up with a large box of papers to be shredded, two bags of various electronic equipment which no longer worked (but may be fixable) and an "As Seen on TV" random purchase which could hold some value to someone.

Yesterday was the day I finally dealt with "all of the above".

Kijiji is a wonderful thing. One person's garbage is another person's treasure. I have had close to 100% success with giving away &/or selling most everything I've advertised.

We live in a throw away world. It is cheaper to replace than repair most items. Appliances, electronics, furniture, pens, relationships ... you name it, it is easier to toss out the old and start anew.

So it is with great pleasure that I tell you that there are people out there willing to adopt a broken computer monitor, antiquated bathroom fixtures, printers and disfunctional DVD players. You people are my heroes.

I have only scratched the surface of the excess within our home but since I have been met with such success, I feel encouraged to rummage through the closets to see what else I can donate to the world at large.

Then there was the box of shredding that I just couldn't conquer.

We have a shredder that is on its last legs. It can shred two pieces of paper at a time and the motor heats up and dies after approximately 100 pages. I quite likely had over 2,000 pages of paper within that box sitting beside the printer in the kitchen. I have been chipping away at that task for almost five months and each time I looked at that incompleted task, I chided myself for procrastinating over the world's simplest job. I finally completed that task last night.

Another weight off my shoulder.

In this life of excess, I have been looking at my employment situation wondering which job I can let go, to give myself more breathing room.

My daycare is not only my bread and butter. It is my groceries, my mortgage and my life. My little daycare is equivalent to oxygen. Non negotiable. It stays.

My bookkeeping is a little bit of a thorn in my side. I feel good when I complete a day's work but I am so grateful it is not my "bread and butter". It is more like the jam. Nice to have on the side but not necessary.

My writing feeds my soul. Even when it isn't good, it is therapeutic. This writing out loud gig has been the one weighing heavily on my mind. When what I write isn't relate-able, encouraging, uplifting, thought provoking or slightly humorous from time to time I think I should give this up. Throw it away.

I have my foot in the door with five different publications out in this big, scary world. Do I throw that opportunity away? Or do I capitalize on it?

When I have the energy, conviction and confidence to do so, I normally go out there and "sell my writing" to the world. In the past, I have tried to add just one or two more publications to that list every spring. This past spring, I was depleted. I could not sell myself, let alone my "soul". In fact, I started to believe maybe it was time to throw in my pen and call it quits. I've been hovering in that place of indecision for quite some time now.

Then came my epiphany.

Last week, I decreased the credit limit on one of my credit cards. The one that I plan to utilize for on-line purchases only. The person on the other end of the phone line tried to talk me out of it but I knew it was best to keep my potential for overspending intact so I went ahead and decreased my limit.

Then, this very credit card company had a 0.99% interest offer for seven months, to pay off another credit card (which in turn, would have paid for my recent home renovations). I would have taken advantage of this offer, had my credit limit been what it was last week.

What you give away easily is not readily given back. I called this company to see if I could have my previous credit limit reinstated and it was not as easy as that. I had to apply for this increase of limit and due to my present net income, I would not qualify for that which I already had.

I gave that away so easily. And they would not give it back.

What if I had given away my privilege to write for these newspapers? I suspect it would have been much the same as my credit card company. They would not welcome me back with open arms if I changed my mind next week.

So I have decided to nurture that which I have. I am going to feed my soul by continuing to write. Whether it is good, bad or ugly I shall remain true to myself. Writing about what I know (and feel) best has always served me well.

The biggest compliment I have ever received is when someone on the reading end of my words replies with the simple message "I feel that way too!" It is better than any pay cheque in the world. Knowing we are not alone in our feelings, emotions and life's little challenges is worth its weight in gold.

The "Me too!" connection is the greatest friendship enhancer I know. Go out and spread your honesty with those you know and trust. Feel the connections grow when you put yourself on the line.

I do it (almost) every day. And the days that pay off the best are the days when just one person says "I feel the same way..."

Get rid of the excess emotions of guilt, anger, envy, hurt and whatever else may be weighing you down by saying the words out loud. It releases the pressure. And do you know what? More often than not, you will hear the response "I have felt the same way ..."

You are not alone.

Hold onto that which is good. Don't get rid of that when you are decluttering your life. It's hard to know what you have until you give it away and wish you hadn't.

Maybe that is why I have been having such a hard time with this job of getting rid of the excess. Do it in small increments and only when you are ready. Too much at one time may be a shock to your system.

Think of my paper shredder that overheats when it has done too much. Don't let it get to that point. Just whittle away at it and eventually one day the box will become empty. Only to fill up again ...

Payback Time

Even though my credit card bill has not yet been printed, it is paid in full from the balance in my savings account.

House Revival Phase One is paid in full.

Now comes the drumroll ...

Onward (go the renos) and upward (goes the loan balance).

Is that a wise thing? The first domino has been tipped forward which has set forth that domino effect of house renovations and excessive spending.

My first move is a wise one and it even increases the market value of our home. Even though "market value" is the least of my worries, an egress window in our downstairs bedroom is something I should have done twenty years ago.

I know without a doubt this is a good move. Except the existing window is too close to the gas line and other services entering our home so it cannot be enlarged. Presently, moisture and cold air are seeping into our home via that thin pane of sliding glass. So that window will be sealed and updated to something more energy efficient and resistant to water. There went the second domino.

While that second domino was teetering on the edge of falling over, I checked into replacing our broken garage and playhouse windows. For the bargain price of $781.00 (taxes included), we can have four windows replaced by a reputable company. Sign me up for that deal!

The third domino is the fact that there will be inside finishing work to be done once our new basement window is installed. Our window installers don't do that work but they know someone who does.

So, while that finishing carpenter is in our midst, I shall ask if he is up to repairing the battered and bruised corners of our hallway and entrance upstairs. And I wonder, if I was to move an electrical outlet in the kitchen and wire in an additional one, if he could patch that wall as well?

Domino number four. Maybe I can call an electrician to see how much it would cost to move that outlet and add one more.

Then there is all of that painting! And no holidays with which to do it!! What to do? What to do?? I wonder if my Painter Guy would return for some weekend work??

Oh yes, and then there is the living room window that has been seeping moisture each and every winter since we moved into our home. This is the window that started this "domino effect" to begin with...

Three weeks later, I haven't heard a peep out of the window and door company that dropped by to give me a quote for the aforementioned window. But my garage/basement "repair window guy" gave me the name of a company they work with.

Picking up the phone and dialing it is proving to be rather expensive. So far, everything I have done has been paid in full. Everything from this point on is an "investment" and will incur adding to my debt load.

On the other hand, yesterday afternoon I had someone ring my front doorbell asking about the availability of daycare spots within my daycare. Then the phone rang, asking if I could take a "drop in" next week. I met up with a fellow daycare-provider in the park two days ago and she asked if she could refer calls to me.

My income potential looks secure enough to offset this new and improved house reno and the debt load I am about to incur.

It is scary. But I think I can do this.

I think I can ... I think I can ... I think I can ...

This line of thinking has changed my world in the past. I believe it is the best direction to move. Just as long as I have no regrets when it comes to payback time.

Rebooting and Restarting the Day

Getting up at 5:30 in the morning, after a week of holidays, certainly had a way of taking the wind out of my sails. I was toast by 1:00 yesterday afternoon and sawing logs on the couch before my supper was digested last night.

I thought that waking up with my alarm this morning would reset and reboot me and my day. It didn't quite happen that way.

I hate when a morning starts with the need for troubleshooting right from the get-go.

Our antivirus program did not automatically update and I couldn't figure out how to solve the dilemma without the enlisting the help from their support staff. About an hour later, the issue was resolved and I was on my way to try and salvage what was left of my time before "my day" walked in the door.

Then I tried to print off a utility bill but I couldn't sign into my account. I tried, tried and tried again. Remember that definition of "insanity"? Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? I thought persistence would win. I was wrong.

The inability to print off my bill reminded me that I hoped to figure out why I couldn't balance my credit card yesterday morning, so I headed off to my credit card account to solve that mystery.

After I succeeded at that mission, I came back to my utility account with a fresh eye and realized I had been using the wrong user name. Here I thought it had something to do with our antivirus program not renewing ...

I was hoping to have time to update my daycare blog, write a little here and still have words, time and inspiration to send off a few emails and a letter. I failed. Well no, I didn't fail at everything. I wrote the emails that were at the tip of my fingertips and trusted they must have been the words that most needed to be written.

Then my daycare day began.

I don't know if it was me or if it was the kids. But we had a morning of "testing limits". There was more crying here this morning than there has been in the past two months.

I tried downloading a new game for our LeapPads, to make them more alluring to the younger set, who think they are old enough to play on the iPad. Guess what? More troubleshooting was necessary.

Eventually, we made it out for a walk and I thought the spell was broken. Then I went to continue to update my daycare blog and all the pictures I downloaded yesterday turned into little icons and I had to do more troubleshooting to finally get them working again.

So here I am, approximately where I had hoped to be at about 5:45 this morning.

Is it too late to reboot and restart this day?

Feeling Light and Energized

The weight of my Family Book Project is lightening and the amount of energy I am starting to feel is a little bit frightening.

I woke up (again) at 5:00 a.m., ready to hop out of bed and start the day. I had not even gone to bed until almost 12:30 a.m. this morning, so even though my brain was saying, "Come on!! Get up!! Let's go and get on with another new day!!!" my body felt like I was suffering from a hangover (not that I would know what that feels like). Or hit by a Mack truck. Or hit by a Mack truck while I was hungover.

While my brain was firing on all cylinders, I let my body rest. For half an hour. That was all my brain would allow. It was like a petulant child whining "Can we get up now? Please?? How about now? Almost? Come on, I wanna get up...."

So I listened to my inner child and got up. Amazingly, I felt pretty darn good. I had tended to all-things-that-needed-tending before I went to bed last night (thus, my late hour) so I woke up to an empty slate. Talk about energizing!

My body was grateful for the extra half hour and I was on my way to a brand new day. "Yee haw!" was the undertone of my thoughts. And I am not even kidding.

I made my morning coffee and smoothie, when suddenly I wondered why my smoothie looked different. My exhausted brain forgot to add the milk. Take "that", brain!! I told you we needed more rest!

[I am using far too many exclamation points this morning. My Youngest Son tells me exclamation points in writing are the equivalent of laughing at your own jokes. I must think I am a riot this morning. !!]

Anyway, back to my tale (the caffeine must be interacting with my brain on hyper-drive and adrenaline because I feel like I have so very much to say) ...

I am feeling very good about the progress I am making with our Book Project. I have enlisted the help of a few family members and it has lightened my load immensely.

Each one of my uncle's chapters came together in its own time and fashion. I think because I didn't push to get them done, each chapter took on its own personality and that 'something special' in its own, unique way from the others.

I had (pretty much) completed five out of the seven Uncle Chapters and was belaboring the last two.

I was still waiting for a family to get back to me on one chapter. The other chapter was 'complete' but it was not yet special.

So ... I contacted my uncle's son yesterday to ask if he would be interested in working his magic with his dad's chapter. This cousin is quite the story teller. By the time he finishes talking you are unsure about what is fact and what is fiction but he makes me laugh. A lot.

I told him "You are such a masterful story teller and all I can think, is your spin on your dad's story could turn it into a real page turner."

He replied "I think I fall under bullshitter" as opposed to "masterful story teller", but thank you."

My reply? "PotAYtoes ... potAHtoes. I can already hear the laughter."

Another cousin is quite literally in the middle of a move but promised to get what she had been working on, off to me as soon as she is able.

My uncle has been an incredible source of encouragement, information, support and answers to my endless questions. I talked to him on the weekend and he has some 'edits' ready to 'FedEx' to me as soon as the post office opens.

With assistance like this, who could ask for more???

Me. That is who. I am not going to say too much here because my family reads this blog and I don't want to let the cat out of the bag until I am certain it is a cat. But, just a little teaser. I asked someone we all know and love a small HUGE (and I mean gigantic!) favor and ... that person said "YES!" I want to give that person an escape clause so I am saying no more at the moment. But it is good. It is really good.

When in the world did I become a person who asks for help? And why in the world does it feel so okay to accept it, when it is given freely? I think it is given freely. Perhaps it is not. Perhaps those very same people could not sleep last night because they said "Yes" when they really and truly wanted to say "Sorry. I just can't at this time". But they didn't sound that way when I talked to/texted/emailed them...

The only thing that could possibly be better is the fact that this Book Project is coming so close to the end.

I puttered, fixed, formatted, edited, moved, shuffled, fact-checked (you name it, I did it) for a good, solid day (and another not so good, broken up day) this past weekend. Last night I was hyped. I was almost dancing in the kitchen. I was telling my son how great this was. I am going to complete this job!!

Then something happened to my document. The document that I had been working on all weekend and had not saved to a back up file or USB stick.

It froze up. It would not allow me to navigate through the pages. The table of contents was all wacky. It kept fast forwarding me to the middle of the book if I pressed the wrong key.

My heart stopped beating for a while. I am not certain but I think I felt my extremities losing their blood. "Oh. No."

I talked myself through the moment. All was not lost. Just the weekend. And even that was not lost because it appeared that I would be able to print off the entire document and go back and make my edits to the document I saved four days ago from the corrected version. But I did not want to do that. But it was possible.

All is not lost. All is not lost. All is not lost.

That is the mantra that went through my brain as my world stood still. I must have looked shaken because my son was calm, cool and collected. He tried to think logically and find the solution. When your child acts like an adult when the ground beneath your feet starts to shake, you know it's serious.

Then I did it. I fixed it. I unlocked my document and all was right in my world again. Then the adrenaline really kicked into hyper-drive.

I kept going for hours after the near loss of my book.

It is so close, I can taste it. And it even tastes good! The end is near and I am ready to let go of my baby. I have not only held onto it during its gestational phase, but I have nurtured it and helped it grow. I sort of feel like the mother who has nursed her child just a few too many years ...

It is going to feel funny to let go and set this book out into the brave new world outside of my own personal computer.

But I think we are ready. Both me and the book.

I was so frustrated with myself for allowing this project to drag on and on. And on. I had a feeling there was a purpose behind its delay. I believe there was.

So very many people have a hand in this project. So many. When people are actually holding it in their hands I think they will feel the community it took to put all of this together. It feels like our whole family is a part of this project and it warms my heart.

It wouldn't have felt this way if I had rushed the process. Or if I had not asked for input and assistance.

I suppose I am tired of being a 'single parent' and there is a part of me that recognizes there is no need to 'raise a child (aka: Book)' on your own, when there are others that are ready, willing and able to help and nurture that 'child' grow to a place where they are standing on their own two feet.

My 'baby' has grown up. I am almost ready to let it go. It is time ....

Their Little Home on the Prairie

Their dream began over four years ago. My Son bought a quarter section of land about 45 minutes away from Our Fair City and The Dream was ignited.

So began the long, arduous process of culling through the remnants of the previous owner. Perhaps he was a bit of a pack rat. Maybe a garbage collector. Mostly ... it was simply a case of neglect. Garbage was everywhere. My Son found even more when he gazed upward towards the sky and spotted junk hanging from the branch of a tree.

Leaning buildings were demolished. The barn was re-shingled. The shop was insulated, shingled, re-sided and doors were replaced. The excessive garbage was dragged out of buildings, the surrounding area and bushes. Bit by bit, hour by hour, year by year ... little things started to add up and there became a look that someone cared about the property.

The Dream was and always has been to turn this piece of land into a home. That is much easier said than done.

What do you do when the house that is on the property needs to be replaced from the bottom, up? And from the inside, out. The structural integrity was shaky at best. Every which way they looked at it there was no choice but to tear apart and rebuild that-which-was-standing. So the house was demolished and they opted to go for a do-over.

A small house was bought. A foundation was built. The existing house was moved onto the foundation. It sounds easy, doesn't it?

In two words? It wasn't.

My Son and His Girlfriend have logged more time and energy into their (eventual) new home than they can even begin to count (though they probably have a pretty accurate idea on the $$'s that have added up). It has to have been a labor of love because their level of commitment to the task has been unshakeable.

I cannot even begin to put into words the effort that each of them have devoted into this project called The Dream. There are times that they will not even speak of because the challenges were so unspeakable. There were challenges within the challenges within the challenge. Yet they persevered.

Fast forward to this Christmas. It has been over four years in the making, but My Son and His Girlfriend have finally 'come home' for Christmas. They have spent their Christmas holiday in their little home on the prairie.

They still have a quite a way to go before it becomes their permanent home but they do have everything except running water at the moment. It is getting close enough so that they can taste and experience the 'new life' that is awaiting them.

My Son invited me and his Younger Brother out for Christmas Dinner (on Boxing Day). His Girlfriend was spending Christmas with her out-of-province relatives and My Son was on his own. With their dogs. He worked on their house by day and when it came time to wrap things up ... he was already where he most wanted to be. He didn't have to travel anywhere to find his next meal, his bed or his home. He was already there.

I spoke to My Son a few times in the days that preceded our trek out to accept his supper invitation on Boxing Day. I have not heard 'happy' in his voice like this for a very long time.

We walked into their new home and we were enveloped in the aura of hopes and dreams. It is all coming together. The aroma of a roast chicken filled the air. Christmas lights adorned the banister on their brand new staircase from their porch into the kitchen...

Their home was decked out for Christmas and the necessities of life have found their way into their little home on the prairie ...

We savored our Christmas meal and breathed in the moments. We were a part of a momentous occasion. The First Christmas Dinner...

It is so close, they can quite literally 'taste' it right now. Their future, their hopes and their dreams are within reach. Would they appreciate it if they had not worked so hard for it? Possibly ... but I would think that each struggle and every challenge has made this illusive dream become even more precious. There is a shared commitment to this dream that goes far beyond a financial investment. I simply cannot imagine a price tag that could be placed upon this Dream that is becoming Reality.

They looked out onto the horizon together and they have found this ... an appreciation for having to work for their accomplishments in life. Today it is a home. Tomorrow ... their 'world'.

Congratulations on a Home Well Built. The sky is the limit when you put your heart and soul into what you believe in. Never stop believing ...

A Fresh Slate

A fresh slate is set out before me today. A new week. A new day. A new beginning. A fresh start. Waking up in the morning gives a person the chance to be courageous and try it all over again.

I hope that my weekend was a good investment in time and money. 

I spent a small fortune on a gating system that (I hope) will keep my new little one-year-old daycare imp out of mischief. He simply doesn't do 'no'. Three weeks and he is still touching that which is off limits and heads off into the kitchen whenever he wishes.

Today I can barricade him from the kitchen, the TV, the printer and the front door. I hope this buys me just a little bit of piece of mind. Because I really could use those moments spent on retrieving him from the no-go-zones so that I can hover over my new little four-year-old.

She is a sweet little girl and as long as I have my eyes on her, she is harmless. Sure, I have had to repeat the "No grabbing", "Hands off" and "No means no" rules many times but for the most part she seems to be respecting the rules we have around here. Until I turn my back. I walk back into the room and she is sitting on a two-year-old. No one is being hurt. No one is crying. It simply shouldn't happen.

I have a house full of little people who seem to have adopted the credo "If she isn't looking, we can do whatever we want to do". This belief is spreading faster than the common cold.

I have brought up a new selection of toys for the new week. Toys that don't require a great deal of energy when it comes time to clean up toys. I bought a few new educational toys which I will bring out one-week-at-a-time. I purchased some new games for our LeapPad.

The cold weather has broke and we should be able to get back outside. This is big. This is really big! I can't wait to bundle up these little packages of energy and let them run wild in the back yard. This is exactly when they decide that it is fun to stand beside the fence. 

I have moved things around in the kitchen a little bit to allow room for our 'kitchen gate' to swing and to easily bring in another high chair as things evolve even more within the next few months.

I reorganized the spare room so that there is more than a pathway from the bedroom door to the playpen. My new families have brought their own set of supplies for me to keep on hand and I hadn't found new homes for them. The bed was strewn with miscellaneous items of all kinds. 

I tended to many small housekeeping items this past weekend and the time that was left over was spent shopping and 'investing' in my daycare business.

I hope all of this buys me a little bit of a reprieve this week. The adjustments have been just a small bit overwhelming.

I just got word that one of 'my kids' won't be coming to daycare today. This will be followed by another that will be gone from Tuesday to Friday. This equates to a little bit of breathing space as we continue to adapt and adjust to our two new little ones. 

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it in the air. I spent my energy (and my money) where it needed to be spent this past weekend. I know it was a good investment. New gates, new toys, new games, new strategies and a renewed sense of energy. 

I'm ready, world. Now I can open my blinds and unlock the door and know that I'm ready for whatever the day has in store.

Patience

Our Internet was down this morning so I had time to read the attachments on a monthly newsletter that I receive. I found it ironic that I didn't have the patience to sit still and read November's article on patience. I didn't get through it in November and I didn't make it through to the end this morning either. What is my problem? Is it that I have an issue with patience perhaps?

I unplugged the router and restarted the computer. Nothing. So I waited and occupied myself with other things (I was patient ... see?!???)

Eventually, I called our Internet provider and the first message that they had on their recording was that our area was going to be down for maintenance this morning. I accepted the explanation and went about my morning. I was still patient. Honest! I was ...

I could have started writing something. Anything. Anywhere. I don't have to blog to write. Right? Interestingly enough, this is when I started to feel my patience thinning.

I have my little rituals that put me in a place to sit still with my thoughts and write. I drink my morning smoothie as I read my favorite blogs. Often I will read something that triggers a moment of reflection. Sometimes this inspires a thought that I write about. Sometimes it doesn't. But I like to sit down and enjoy my morning coffee with my virtual Internet friends (that have no idea of my existence, nor my dependence on their company).

After more time elapsed, I went and unplugged our Internet modem and router. I walked away from them so that I wouldn't plug them in too soon. I went back. Plugged them in. Restarted the computer. Waited for the computer to condense my email files (it took forever ... note to self: "clean up emails!!"). I was still very patient. Really.

Eventually I sat down and read a newspaper that happened to be in the house. Hmmm ... sitting down at the kitchen table and reading a physical piece of 'literature'. I remember mornings like this! Maybe my addiction to the Internet is ruining what used to be a good thing (do you notice that my patience levels are still intact?).

Finally ... it was when the lack of Internet services was causing my son's girlfriend grief because she had work that she had to do, that I called our Internet provider one more time. Apparently I did everything right ... right up to the point where I plugged in the modem and the router at the same time. The correct thing to do is plug in the modem first. Wait for all lights to come on. Then plug in the router. Otherwise they don't 'talk to each other' and the Internet will not work.

Moments later, we were up and running. Everything was right in the world once again. Except ... they aren't.

At this moment of writing, it is 9:47 a.m. The message: "An error occurred while trying to save or publish your post. Please try again." is on my compose blog screen. It is taunting me. One wrong move and all of these words will be gone. I cannot save this post nor publish it (yes, I have copied and pasted it onto a completely separate document but I keep changing the content).

Is my patience starting to thin? Just a tiny bit. But maybe I should go back and absorb the article that I couldn't digest this morning. Perhaps this morning is trying to tell me something ...

"Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success."

~ Napoleon Hill

It is now 10:00 a.m. ... I think all systems are 'go' and I will now attempt to 'publish' this lesson on patience...

Don't Stop

This past fall, I was seriously worried about the state of my brain's well being.

Granted, I was in the middle of some pretty intense transitional job stress at the time ... but when I sat down and wrote exactly what concerned me my symptoms were not new. I could look back and see that my brain-power had been slowly but surely slowing down over a substantial time span.

I was not only confused about what month we were in ... but the season. At one point I almost called someone who issued me a cheque. I was certain that they had accidentally dated it August 2nd when it should have been February 8th. I thought long and hard about it. Walked away and came back to it. I was at the point where I was beginning to look up the phone number that I would have to call to have the cheque reissued, when I all of a sudden realized that it was actually August. Not February.

My ability to speak coherently was faltering. I was coming out completely wrong and inappropriate words. I preferred writing over speaking because I had time to collect the proper vocabulary before communicating it.

I was getting to the point where I was irritating friends and family with my forgetfulness. Verbal conversations were hard for me to recall; I found that I was beginning to rely on the ability to reread an email to assist my memory. There was one entire conversation that left my consciousness for a spell. It did come back, but I needed to quite literally pry it out of the recesses of my mind.

I was taking classes and finding it harder to keep up with the class &/or retain the information that I just learned in order to write an exam.

My brain-to-hand/body messages were becoming very sluggish. I was dropping things. I found myself standing still and 'tipping over'.

I was losing my ability to multi-task. I couldn't keep two concurrent instructions in my head at one time.

I was overwhelmed by input and my inability to keep up. To say that I was scared is a little bit of an understatement.

I was overwhelmed with new-job-stresses. I was in a state of inner panic and turmoil. I was sobbing uncontrollably at inopportune moments. It was not a good place to be.

I had no choice but to continue to forge ahead and keep moving in a forward direction. I needed a job and I had to bulldoze my way through all of this. Thankfully, that worked for me.

Fast forward to today.

I am not only surviving at my present job ... I am starting to show signs of thriving.

I have not only retained that which I have been taught, but I have relearned the art of thinking on my feet. The wider a person's knowledge base is, the easier it is to look beyond the obvious and see a solution.

Tunnel vision and learning a brand new job are synonymous in my mind. You do truly have to zero in on what you have just learned  to try and make your way through a new situation.

You can't have an overwhelming amount of new information tossed at you at one time. You need to start with the basics and layer new data onto what you have learned. The layering effect enhances what you have just learned and adds to that. When you are doing a job that you could do in your sleep, you sometimes forget how long it took you to get to that point.

The more you know, the more you can do on auto pilot ... leaving your mind open to the ability to multi task. You not only gain the ability to layer new information, but additional tasks onto that which you are beginning to do automatically.

When your brain starts working at full speed, it starts to feel like a well oiled machine. Parts that had been inactive start firing back to life.

I have found the words that I need are now usually on the tip of my tongue. I amaze myself with my (returned) co-ordination. The neurons firing within my brain allowing me the ability to think on my feet also seem to have heightened my reflexes. I still drop things ... but man! You should see the way I'm catching them before they hit the ground!

My recall is back to where I expect it to be. If I am not mistaken, I believe my son even commented on how this has improved.

In retrospect I can see that not fully utilizing my brain for an ongoing period had hampered my ability to jump into new situations and survive. Dare I add the fact that I am also not getting any younger into that equation?

I am fortunate. My brain needed to be dusted off, exercised and lubricated a bit before it was ready to kick back into action.

What if ...

What if this had been a degenerative issue where it wasn't as simple as that? What if my ability to recall and remember was cumulative and it became progressively worse over a long period of time? What if my ability to learn was seriously impaired? What if the messages that my brain sent to my body got slower and did not recover with use?

I am grateful for a situation which brought this to light. What if ... I had continued to go down a path where I under-used my brain and my body to a state where it couldn't be revived so easily?

Don't stop learning. Don't stop moving. Don't stop ... you just never know how easy it may be to re-start again. That may not be the end all answer for a degenerative condition ... but it certainly can't hurt to keep one's brain and body active. Learning, moving, 'doing' and being around people enhances your life. Just keep moving ...

Why Am I Not Worried?

I decided a long time ago that worrying is a waste of energy:

From the archives: Mar 9, 2010 - Time Saving Tips

• I've cut back on worrying. It is a waste of time and energy. No matter how much I worry about something, it doesn't make a difference. The only way I can make a difference is by 'doing'. A much better investment of my time.

I should be worried. But I'm not.

I am working at the job-of-my-current-dreams. I am doing everything that I can do to succeed and prosper at this job. I am making slow and steady gains. But I am not working full-time. Yet.

I am determined to keep attempting to sell my writing skills. Slowly but surely, I am working my way 'across the country side' in my attempt to find a way to make my words work for me. The only way I consider myself failing at this task, is if I give up. I'm not giving up.

My current financial situation is not pretty. But it is not desperate. I took steps to provide myself with a cushion before I fall. Before long, I will start to utilize a portion of that protective layer. Not all of it. Just enough to buy me some time.

In the mean time, I am 'doing'. I am doing that which I have the power to do right now. I am persevering.

"Quit now, you'll never make it. If you disregard this advice, you'll be halfway there."

~David Zucker

I'm not quitting. The best is yet to come. I just have to keep believing.