Trust the Pause

Every time I spend a weekend at my little home away from home, I find myself longing for the day when this is my one and only and forever home. So many things have to fall into place before that becomes a reality.

All the variables that interconnect with lives that are not my own, not to mention the ability to (ever?) retire from the work force reminds me time and time again. Trust the pause.

If all obstacles were removed and moving here was as simple as packing up a house and selling it, I would be on my way. But I'm not there yet.  

This place where I am sitting at this very moment is exactly where I'm meant to be. 

Would this moment feel as sweet, if I didn't have the contrast of life-away-from-here to compare it to? Time will tell.

Life shouldn't feel like you are walking against the current. 

Try (just try) to relax and go with the flow. 

See where it takes you. 

Trust the pause. 

Morning Pages Recap

I have been pretty faithful to maintaining the habit of "Morning Pages" (Julia Cameron - The Artist's Way). The goal of Julia's writing workshop I recently attended was to unblock your creativity.

Morning pages are the root to unblocking the flow (put yourself into a "release" mode), which is to be complimented with "Artist Dates" (a date with yourself to put yourself into a "receive" mode). Add walking to that recipe and you are on your way to a more open and creative mindset.

Despite what I learned from Julia, I have done little more than write these morning pages. A lot of the time, I am annoyed with this new morning chore I have added to my list. But instilling the habit of writing the thoughts I'm thinking upon waking every morning does reveal what is taking up most of the space in my mind.

I have been writing my morning pages for two months now (less the days I had company or was holidaying) and I cannot say I have noticed a remarkable difference in my creativity.

I was not taught anything I didn't already know. I have used writing as a tool to sort through my thoughts for most of my life. I know the healing power of gazing upward into the sky which seems to put life into perspective. I know I need to be quiet within myself to hear the answers I already know.

I yearn for those sitting in a sunbeam moments of clarity. Julia provided me with a road map. I just need to use it.

The recurring theme I keep unveiling is "I am exactly where I am meant to be". For now. I may not be where I want to be. Yet. But every little thing that is going on in and around my world is pushing me in a forward direction.

Everything comes in its own time, in its own way. To rush the process is to push fate. Walk. Set aside time to think your own thoughts. Put yourself into "receive" mode. See what happens. Wait.

Patience, Young Grasshopper. Patience. Good things don't happen overnight. Sometimes some bad stuff has to happen first. One forward step at a time. 

Trusting the Pause

The long wait for our new front door continues. The door and all options pertaining to said door have been chosen. At last.

As frustrated as I felt at the delay over something that could have been ordered, installed and paid for by now, I had to talk myself down and remind myself to trust the pause.

If I had forged ahead with the initial estimate, the professional door installers most likely would not have tended to installing the baseboards and trim that is already on hand. They definitely wouldn't have included painting the door as an added part of their service.

If I had acted more quickly, the bill would have been due and payable by now.

I'm searching my brain for more "pros" for this delay but I'm coming up empty. The old front door (and a sliding door which could have and should have been replaced) is all I can see within this freshly redone main floor.

Isn't that always the case? It matters not how many things have been crossed off the to-do-list, because the list is so short right now, all I can see is that which is left to be done. Which is pretty very minimal, all things considered.

Perhaps this delay will unveil a few more tasks I can ask my handy dandy reno guy to tend to while he is already here. It may cost a little more than the door and door alone but I am pretty sure when all is said and done, I will be grateful for the delay.

When things don't unfold in a manner in which you hope, trust the pause. Trust there is a purpose to putting your dreams on hold.

Looking at life backwards, I have always found delays are well worth the wait.

Maintaining Patience

Do we have a finite amount of patience within us? When that patience is all used up on dealing with our day-to-day stressors do we snap at the merest provocation after that point? Is patience an acquired trait or is it a part of some people's make-up? Do we develop our patience as we go along? Or is it 'all of the above'.

I may have forgotten a time in my life when I became enraged over the smallest of things ... if it hadn't been for a time when I saw myself in a friend. She was stressed to the max. And then some. Then her children came into the room and simply started 'pressing her buttons'. She completely flew off the handle. I had been there. I had done that. She was running on empty and life kept coming at her. Her patience was less than nil.

At the time that I witnessed this interaction and slight break-down within my friend, I was so freshly out of those circumstances that I immediately recognized myself within my friend's reaction.

A person simply doesn't roll with the punches when they are dealing with more than they can already handle. It made me appreciate the serenity that I had fought for and found within my life. I was by no means perfect but I was so much better than I had been.

Raising children. Maintaining relationships. Worrying about finances. Taking care of a home, yard and vehicle. Working. Dealing with family dynamics. Health issues. Our lives are full of so many changing and evolving variables. When too many things start to feel like they are running out of control stress seeps into our lives. We tend to overreact to small stuff when the big stuff becomes too heavy.

I was not a patient young person. I have a litany of offences where I flipped out and got angry about something that was so inconsequential. Was there a back-story to these over reactions? Probably. But tell that to my young children. They will never know all that I was feeling when I wasn't one of those moms that are portrayed on TV and movies.

I have had far too many 'Mommy Dearest' moments ... and when I talk honestly to other parents that I know well, I get the feeling that I am alone. Hopefully I didn't tip the balance too badly when I was actively parenting my children so that these are the moments that they remember and focus on.

Why do I write this, this morning? Because I have changed.

I listen to the 'me' that I am when I tend my young Daycare Family. I cannot believe that I am the same person that I used to be. I have so much more patience than I have ever had before. I cannot stress enough that I am far from perfect. But I am so much better. Better is a step in the direction that I want to go so I will take it.

What is the difference?

I am older, wiser and realize that these moments pass. So I don't place quite as much emphasis on the little things. I am a great believer in not letting little things become bigger so I am still rather militant on my expectations within my young household. I don't let these little people run wild. But I'm not yelling at them all of the time either...

My after-hours life is calm. I don't have a lot of expectations within my world. My children are pretty much all of a self-maintaining age and stage in their lives. My parenting skills are not in great demand within my own little family, so I have more to give my young charges.

My life is very much in balance. I have a good, healthy mixture of work, family and friends. My home, yard and vehicle(s) are not overwhelming me. My finances are (finally!) in a spot where I can see the light. Good health surrounds my immediate family. I have no overwhelming concerns that are consuming a great deal of my energy.

The biggest stressor for me at this moment in time, is a lack of down-time or quiet in my day-to-day world. It adds up and I recognize when I'm becoming too overloaded. And (so far) I have been able to act on this and fix it before it becomes too big.

I just stole a weekend of quiet time. I found my quiet spot and revelled in it. I had many other things that probably should have taken priority but I'm glad that I was greedy and took time for myself. I needed it.

I could tell that it was the right thing to do when I caught myself looking at my little world from the 'outside, looking in' yesterday. There was a time when I couldn't have done what I am doing right now. I didn't have the patience for it. I'm so glad that I took a sabbatical from Daycare Part I when I did. I was overwhelmed and my patience levels were nil. But I am back. I'm better than I was before. I have not only found myself more patient ... but I seem to have fallen into a system of maintaining patience.

I have (finally) started to recognize what I need and when I need it, to keep myself, my emotions and my reactions in check. And I have (finally) started to take what I need to maintain my patience. For me? It is taking time for quiet reflection and solitude.

I cannot help but think of those whose answers are not so black and white. For young people who do not know what it is that they need to regain their sense of status quo. For addicts who reach for their drug of choice. For those who are mentally ill and require a delicate balance of medication to help their brain process life in a manner in which a lot of us simply come to expect ...

Maintaining patience sounds so easy. We are lucky when we have stumbled upon our magical equation that works for us. The equation changes daily. It isn't easy. It isn't one answer fits all.

I have no answers ... but I am beginning to recognize just how hard the simple things in life are for some people. I hope that they never stop seeking their own answers. I pray that they find their answers without turning to a cycle that could be destructive.

Maintaining balance is key. The rest falls into place easier when our foundation is firm. So much in life starts from that foundation...

Hanging in the Balance

There is a place between 'yes' and 'no' that is a place I enjoy. It is that temporary state of lingering between an option that has been tossed into my world where I haven't physically made a leap of faith, yet I haven't been rejected. It is a place of hope.

On the flip side ... when one lingers too long in that place of indecision, it is one of my least favorite places to be.

That place is different than that brief, lingering state of waiting for someone else's decision that can ultimately change the course of where-I-go-from here.

When one is sitting and literally waiting for the phone to ring for one day too long, it becomes very uncomfortable.

Seeds of doubt are planted and have time to grow. Incidents that may or may not be related to the initial 'seed' become intertwined in my mind and I can create some pretty fascinating stories in my mind.

I am waiting for a potential new family to call me back. They were calling my references as a mere formality. They ultimately told me that they had already chosen me to take care of their child. I am simply waiting for their final answer. And waiting.

Why am I so worried? Because I am an imperfect person in an imperfect world. I know that one of my references expects near-perfection in the person who provides care for their child. And I haven't talked to 'that parent' all week. I have intertwined the two incidents and they have become one giant mess in my mind.

I know that people get busy and distracted in their own lives. It isn't 'all about me', when someone doesn't call or react or show up. Yet there are days. Those days when the final decision simply takes one day or one moment-in-time too long.

In the past, I have contacted the person I need to talk to in an effort to nip my worries in the bud. I have embarrassed myself more times than I care to remember because I blew things out of proportion in my mind. Then actually called 'that someone' and confessed all that I was thinking.

Yesterday I decided that this was yet another case of me inventing things to worry about. So I decided to simply trust that all was fine and I would hear my answers in good time.

The time spent waiting are not the kind of days I appreciate. But they happen. That is life. There is a measure of discomfort from time to time.

The days when I hang in the balance and scrutinize and measure myself against 'perfection' ... those are not good days. Measuring myself against perfection is not a place I should be in the first place.

Patience

Our Internet was down this morning so I had time to read the attachments on a monthly newsletter that I receive. I found it ironic that I didn't have the patience to sit still and read November's article on patience. I didn't get through it in November and I didn't make it through to the end this morning either. What is my problem? Is it that I have an issue with patience perhaps?

I unplugged the router and restarted the computer. Nothing. So I waited and occupied myself with other things (I was patient ... see?!???)

Eventually, I called our Internet provider and the first message that they had on their recording was that our area was going to be down for maintenance this morning. I accepted the explanation and went about my morning. I was still patient. Honest! I was ...

I could have started writing something. Anything. Anywhere. I don't have to blog to write. Right? Interestingly enough, this is when I started to feel my patience thinning.

I have my little rituals that put me in a place to sit still with my thoughts and write. I drink my morning smoothie as I read my favorite blogs. Often I will read something that triggers a moment of reflection. Sometimes this inspires a thought that I write about. Sometimes it doesn't. But I like to sit down and enjoy my morning coffee with my virtual Internet friends (that have no idea of my existence, nor my dependence on their company).

After more time elapsed, I went and unplugged our Internet modem and router. I walked away from them so that I wouldn't plug them in too soon. I went back. Plugged them in. Restarted the computer. Waited for the computer to condense my email files (it took forever ... note to self: "clean up emails!!"). I was still very patient. Really.

Eventually I sat down and read a newspaper that happened to be in the house. Hmmm ... sitting down at the kitchen table and reading a physical piece of 'literature'. I remember mornings like this! Maybe my addiction to the Internet is ruining what used to be a good thing (do you notice that my patience levels are still intact?).

Finally ... it was when the lack of Internet services was causing my son's girlfriend grief because she had work that she had to do, that I called our Internet provider one more time. Apparently I did everything right ... right up to the point where I plugged in the modem and the router at the same time. The correct thing to do is plug in the modem first. Wait for all lights to come on. Then plug in the router. Otherwise they don't 'talk to each other' and the Internet will not work.

Moments later, we were up and running. Everything was right in the world once again. Except ... they aren't.

At this moment of writing, it is 9:47 a.m. The message: "An error occurred while trying to save or publish your post. Please try again." is on my compose blog screen. It is taunting me. One wrong move and all of these words will be gone. I cannot save this post nor publish it (yes, I have copied and pasted it onto a completely separate document but I keep changing the content).

Is my patience starting to thin? Just a tiny bit. But maybe I should go back and absorb the article that I couldn't digest this morning. Perhaps this morning is trying to tell me something ...

"Patience, persistence and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success."

~ Napoleon Hill

It is now 10:00 a.m. ... I think all systems are 'go' and I will now attempt to 'publish' this lesson on patience...