Hanging in the Balance

There is a place between 'yes' and 'no' that is a place I enjoy. It is that temporary state of lingering between an option that has been tossed into my world where I haven't physically made a leap of faith, yet I haven't been rejected. It is a place of hope.

On the flip side ... when one lingers too long in that place of indecision, it is one of my least favorite places to be.

That place is different than that brief, lingering state of waiting for someone else's decision that can ultimately change the course of where-I-go-from here.

When one is sitting and literally waiting for the phone to ring for one day too long, it becomes very uncomfortable.

Seeds of doubt are planted and have time to grow. Incidents that may or may not be related to the initial 'seed' become intertwined in my mind and I can create some pretty fascinating stories in my mind.

I am waiting for a potential new family to call me back. They were calling my references as a mere formality. They ultimately told me that they had already chosen me to take care of their child. I am simply waiting for their final answer. And waiting.

Why am I so worried? Because I am an imperfect person in an imperfect world. I know that one of my references expects near-perfection in the person who provides care for their child. And I haven't talked to 'that parent' all week. I have intertwined the two incidents and they have become one giant mess in my mind.

I know that people get busy and distracted in their own lives. It isn't 'all about me', when someone doesn't call or react or show up. Yet there are days. Those days when the final decision simply takes one day or one moment-in-time too long.

In the past, I have contacted the person I need to talk to in an effort to nip my worries in the bud. I have embarrassed myself more times than I care to remember because I blew things out of proportion in my mind. Then actually called 'that someone' and confessed all that I was thinking.

Yesterday I decided that this was yet another case of me inventing things to worry about. So I decided to simply trust that all was fine and I would hear my answers in good time.

The time spent waiting are not the kind of days I appreciate. But they happen. That is life. There is a measure of discomfort from time to time.

The days when I hang in the balance and scrutinize and measure myself against 'perfection' ... those are not good days. Measuring myself against perfection is not a place I should be in the first place.