Breathing in the Weekend

The weekend past was quite possibly the definition of a "perfect weekend". A day trip with and to meet up with my siblings, followed by a day of phone calls, the delivery of a free filing cabinet, combined with a visit including a light lunch and a moderate amount of productivity.

My socializing skills are rusty. I replay parts of conversations I had and shudder. "Why did I say that?" "Why didn't I listen more?" "Why didn't I invite the other person to tell their stories more?" 

This is exactly how I used to feel when I was young. I was not an outgoing child and the times I could re-hear my voice and regret talking were many. I lost a lot more sleep over it in those days but the feeling is very similar.

I believe I invited negativity into the weekend with me. Shame on me. 

All conditions were perfect! Could I please have a "redo" of the weekend I just had? 

The Lost 22 Minutes

I planned to get up by 6:00 this morning but stayed in bed until 6:22 a.m. Those crucial 22 minutes could have made all the difference in the world.

IF I had gotten up 22 minutes earlier, I would have been finished coloring my hair when my son got up and headed towards the shower. And the rest of this story would have happened in an easy to handle sequence of events which would have resulted in a completely different outcome.

Instead, I was panic stricken when my son appeared in the hallway so bright and early in the day. I was in between waiting for my roots to take the color and adding the remaining color to the rest of my hair. "I have five more minutes to wait before finishing my color, then I have to wait five more minutes before rinsing the color out of my hair. I need the bathroom!"

While I was adding the remainder of the color to my hair, I missed a phone call. 

When checking the messages, I hit the wrong buttons on the phone and accidentally called my boss. I hung up as soon as I could remember how to disconnect the phone while on speaker (my hair was still saturated in hair color so I needed to use the speaker phone and I hit "speaker" when I meant to hit "exit" and I still don't quite know how I dialed my boss. No worries. She called me right back. "I need a little help with my grocery order". I hoped I could sign in, help her pay for the order and try to return the call I missed while I was coloring my hair. It wasn't to be that simple. Her postal code had changed over night and my trouble shooting skills had not yet woken up yet (it was only 7:09 a.m.) AND I still had my hair saturated in hair color.

While I was trying to figure out the grocery order gone awry, my timer went off. "Make sure to use the $15 voucher" was her advise to me when I told her I had to go to tend to my hair-color-in-progress.  

I could finally rinse the color out of my hair and I wouldn't be beholden to the clock. Conditioning my newly colored hair is normally when I have my coffee, work on my puzzles and do whatever sweating I must do before I hop in the shower and officially start the day. That wasn't happening this morning.

My middle son was coming by to pick up his younger brother at 7:30 a.m. (yes, it is not yet 7:30 and my morning is spiraling out of control). I stopped to chat with them momentarily before they headed off on their day trip and immediately went back to trying to save the grocery order I was trying to salvage.

I finally got the order figured out, went to pay for it and POOF! It was gone. No opportunity to enter the voucher code. "Can you just call them?" was her request when I phoned to tell her the good news, bad news scenario that just played out. Good news! I got your order figured out and paid for. Bad news! It didn't ask me to enter the voucher.

So ... I called. They couldn't help me. The only thing I could do was cancel the order and reorder it. I was JUST finishing that task when the phone rang. "Did you get my message?..." Yes, I did. I just haven't had a moment to call you back.

And so the day began.

It didn't get much better than this. But it didn't get worse. By 7:30 p.m., I had finally crossed off the items on my to-do-list, that I had hoped to have done before my work day started.

It is now 10:07 p.m. I have just completed my "morning puzzles" and web-surfing I usually do in the wee hours of the morning while the rest of the world is sleeping. I am finally where I usually am by 10:07 a.m. 

 If only I had gotten up 22 minutes earlier, this day would have started out so much smoother.

Tomorrow morning? I'm getting up with the birds! I'm going to savor my quiet morning hours before the rest of the world wakes up. And the best part? Tomorrow is Saturday. The day is "mine" to do with as I please!! And my plans for the day please me very much.

Giving Up Verses Giving In

One of life's most important lessons just may be: "Know when to call for help". This renewed piece of knowledge is brought to you by The Need to Get A New Computer.

This is how I thought the conversation went:

Me: I bought the computer using no other information than what you told us. It has 8 GB of Ram with an Intel processor. It is untouched, still sealed, new in the box, just in case we have to return it. I have never bought a computer before. My Previous Computer Guy always did everything for me and brought it to me when he did whatever had to be done. My boss said to have you take care of setting up the new computer.

Computer Guy: All you need to do is turn it on and let the updates run. That will save me time ...

So that is how I got myself into a situation that was way above my pay grade.

I knew I was in trouble when the absolutely very first thing I did when the computer came to life and asked me the simple question: 

What language do you want to use? "United States - English or Canada - [I didn't stop to read any further - I just knew I lived in Canada so I clicked before I read]"

Warning! Warning! Warning!

Always read before you click!!!!!!!

I clicked "Canada - ________" and apparently the word after Canada must have been French because from that point onward the computer spoke and typed to me in Canadian French.

The day steadily went downhill from there.

The next day, my Computer Guy came to install data from the hard drive which had crashed and our conversation went something like this:

Me: I got myself in way over my head. I've never done this before and I made every mistake known to man.

Computer Guy: That's why I always like to set up a new computer myself.

Me: I thought you said all I had to do was turn it on and let the updates run.

Computer Guy: [after a calm discussion of what he thought he said and what I thought I heard] There is no sense in wondering about what happened yesterday. We can only go forward from here.

Me: So apparently, when the VERY first thing you do is wrong, you quit and call an expert in the field.

Computer Guy: [short version of a very long answer] Yes

Lesson learned. 

I have become as wise as I am due to all the things I have done wrong before I find the right way. My personal motto is "I rarely take a direct route to where I'm going but I always get there in the end." Sometimes? Just sometimes? I need a little help getting there.

All of what I have learned in life has come from doing it wrong before I got it right. Or finally figured out that I should simply give up and/or call for help.

Giving up verses giving in. This ongoing battle will continue to be part of my life story. 

When do we finally get to the part where we are simply wise? I guess when we stop trying new things. I am starting to believe learning is highly overrated.

“Once you stop learning you start dying” 

~ Albert Einstein

Worst. Day. Ever.

**Please note: everything is relative. I lead a very easy life so "worst days" for me are truly not all that bad. This I know. Everything that follows this disclaimer is written from my own personal perspective on one particular day.**

Have you ever had a turning point in your day when you realize in hind sight, that you should have just walked away and tried again another day?  Me too.

This particular challenging day began with the best of intentions. Everything was going well so I decided to do just one quick thing as I tied up my work day at home and headed out to my out-of-house employment.

"I'll just do this [one thing] so I'm all set to go for tomorrow", I thought to myself with a self satisfied sigh.

That "one thing" did not go well. Technical difficulties at every turn. Trouble shooting tips from Google led to one, two, three, four and more different attempts to salvage the mission at hand. Then I had to leave the house.

Walking away from a challenge is often one of the best things one can do. Rebooting the computer is another favorite standby of mine. I did both. "Everything's gonna be okay" I told myself time and time and time again.

Then I made the mistake of going back to try to solve this after I got home from work. I often say that anything I do or say after 6:00 p.m. is equivalent to driving while under the influence of alcohol. I do not function on an intelligent level after the magic hour of 6:00 at night. I call it "impaired speaking".

Yet, I decided to try to fix a mind boggling technical issue after 7:00 p.m. Then I involved a second computer. What was I thinking?!??

Things went from bad to worse. I tried every trouble shooting mechanism known to me at the time. I tried, tried and tried again. I rebooted computers more often than I washed my hands that day. Reboot. Restart. Walk away. Try, try again.

I'm starting to see why I kept going back to relationships that didn't work for me - I used the same strategy.

After a long, frustrating evening I finally turned everything off and assured myself that I would wake up in the morning and on a fresh, clean, rested brain I would solve all the technical computer issues at hand.

Sure enough, I woke up with a brand new and shiny plan. A new day. A fresh start. Onward ...

Then things went from bad to worse. And even worse yet. I even messed up my online grocery order in an irreparable way. Even my email program defied me. Outbound messages sat in the Outbox folder and refused to go anywhere.

Everything I touched went awry. I couldn't even get one computer to turn on. These are not my computers. I was panicking, anxious and didn't know which way to turn.

The feeling of angst and helplessness I had were akin to the worst days of my life when I had no idea which way to turn. Those were the days I crumbled to the ground, looked upward and whispered, "Help me ..."

It is at those times when things feel like they cannot get any worse that can become the much needed turning point.

Some people pray. I called my Computer Guy.

I told him my story. I warned him it was a long one with many twists and turns. I started to talk. He listened. Then he started to reply. I responded, "But there is more ..." I kept telling my tale. He kept thinking I was at the end of my story. I kept saying, "But there is even more ..." This cycle repeated at least three times. Maybe four.

"Can you help me over the phone? I will pay you for your time. I will do anything." I implored. Unfortunately the damage I had done was more than an amateur troubleshooter like me could handle. This was a job for a professional.

This is the part of the never ending story where the soundtrack changes to a light and hopeful tone. The sun comes out, melts the snow, there is a twinkle in the skies above and up drives my Computer Guy. I'm pretty sure he was wearing a superhero cape.

He called before he arrived so I could put the troubled computer on our doorstep so we adhered to all COVID-19 distancing requirements. I was inside the house, he was outside, we spoke, then he drove off on his white stallion (okay, it was only a car) and the heaviness of the day was lifted off my shoulders.

I turned around, tried reloading the program that started all the trouble on a new program on my own personal computer ...

While it was loading, my online grocery order had enough time on its own to allow me to go back and salvage the many errors of my ways.

The computer program loaded successfully and I was able to complete the mission I had set out to do 24 hours prior.

Twenty four hours. It took one full day. Suddenly my Worst. Day. Ever. turned into the Best Recovery I could have ever hoped for.

Everything that went sour turned on its haunches and turned out okay.

It all works out in the end. If it doesn't work out, it is not yet the end. 

~ slightly paraphrased from The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel

I know this "worst day ever" was a walk in the park compared to the realities going on all around us. I know this. Yet I couldn't stop the spiraling anxiousness and feeling of being overwhelmed. 

Yesterday felt like I was a contestant on Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. I used all my lifelines. It turns out "calling a friend (aka: a computer professional)" was a game changer for me. 

In these days of isolation, confinement, health, family and financial worries DO use your lifelines. "Calling a friend" may be a game changer for you too.

Verbal Hangovers

"Listen more often than you speak" 

~ Howard Baker

Somewhere in the recent past, I came upon a nugget of wisdom I thought I could hold onto. I cannot find the exact quote but to paraphrase what I remember, it said something to the effect that we can be interesting or interested. Interesting is not a word I would use to describe myself but I would like to be the kind of person who is known as being interested.

I woke up with a verbal hangover this morning. The words "listen more than you speak" are ringing through my ears.

It is definitely a time to focus on being interested. I have so much to learn from those around me. 

The Power to Take the "Blech" Out of My Morning

I woke up late.

I wrote my morning pages fast and furious. I didn't stop to think. I just wrote. And wrote and wrote. The next thing I knew, I was at the end of my third page and I had that little morning task off my to-do-list.

I did my word and number puzzles next. Tuesday, as a general rule, isn't too taxing on the brain. I sped through my puzzles and still had time to write.

I wrote two blog posts, thoughts taken directly from my morning pages which may not have been inspirational, deep or amusing to anyone but me. But I wrote. I wrote out loud. Another one of the "hard things" marked off my mental to-do-list.

I made some toast and assembled my lunch. I had time to putter with little odds and ends. I printed off my bills; I scanned through the blogs I follow to see if anyone had posted anything new; I made a third cup of coffee; and here I am.

I had time to go for a walk this morning. I didn't take advantage of the moment and now it is too late.

My word of the morning (after I realized the world as I knew it was not coming to an end - see dream sequence one post down) was "Blech".

Blech.

My word of the day. I had the power to take the "blech" out of my morning and clear my head with a brisk morning walk. I didn't take advantage of the moment. I didn't realize what I missed until I missed it.

Lesson for today. Remember this. Don't overthink the moment. Just "do it". When I wake up feeling like the world is coming to an end ... and it isn't ... and the next conscious thought I have is "Blech" ... WALK.

Walk it off. Look up to the sky, remind myself how big the world is, how small I am and things always work out in the end.

I have the power to overrule the "blech" in my mind. Mind over matter, girl! Just walk it off while the walking is good.

Overthinking

Overthinking has never worked for me. I have no idea why I keep thinking I can find a better way by thinking too much. But I keep doing what I have done in the past, hoping for better results. So far, my success rate has been pretty close to nil.

Go with the flow

Trust the thoughts you wake up with

Let it go

Keep it simple

Trust the process

These are the mantras I keep trying to teach myself. Yet I continue to overthink far too much.

I spent far too long trying to find a way to make some reservations more economical. I may have saved myself $18.86 ... but then again? Maybe not.

I changed a flexible reservation for accommodations to a non-refundable one. I changed the guests from "three" to "two". Now if someone does take us up on our offer to join us, I will have cost us money.

Sigh.

Let it go. It is a done deal. There is no going back now. 

But there is another life lesson for the books. Don't think so much!!

On the flip side, I learned from yesterday's lesson when our cat playfully tipped my morning smoothie all over me and the surrounding area. I held on tightly to my morning drink and maintained order in one area of my life. I should have let go of the rest.

May you take what you learned yesterday to make today a better day! 

The Learning Curve of Living

It's been a while since I wrote out loud. I'm not sure how this morning's writing will go but I shall give it a whirl.

I've been on a "rinse and repeat" cycle of living and it is going fine. Repetition and routine is my thing and I do it well enough. Not perfect. Never perfect. Imperfection is exhausting.

Yes, it is "year end" in the bookkeeping business. All my sins of the year past are catching up with me. It is a very steep learning curve. Learning exhausts me. Day after day of correcting the errors of my ways depletes me.

Thus, I continue to live for the weekend.

The weekend past, I offered to work Saturday at my bookkeeping job to help meet all the impending deadlines. It is easier to go to work when I get to come straight home afterwards. That was the only upside of volunteering to work on a much anticipated weekend.

Always grateful to be home, I celebrated my homecoming with a Big Mac Meal from McDonald's in my own private mini celebration of a friend's birthday. She is the person who introduced me to the Big Mac. I called to wish her a happy birthday, as soon as I was finished eating. I wound up my working Saturday by visiting an old school friend. And it was good.

I woke up to an empty slate Sunday morning. I had tentative plans to meet up with a good friend but the day wasn't set in stone. I like that feeling. It energized me. So I was up, dressed, fed and ready for the day when my Oldest Son called me:

Me: "How are you?"
Him: "Terrible"
Me: "How come I always get these calls?" [Really?! Did I REALLY say that?? Yes, I did. Because this is how all his calls about 'girl troubles' start. I thought we were going down that road again. I DID say that. I'm sorry]
Him: "What?"
Me: "What's up?"
Him: "I can't see ..."

And so went our conversation from there.

He thought he had pink eye, so wasn't overly concerned. He just asked if I could drive him to the mediclinic when it opened. End of story. Except it wasn't.

Long story short, he has contracted a "bacterial ulcer" (corneal ulcer), most likely from his extended wear contact lenses. The situation can become bad, very fast so it is good he had it checked when he did.

Thankfully, the mediclinic doctor made an appointment with an eye specialist at the hospital, that very day. Sunday. I was impressed the doctor didn't put him off and suggest he wait until regular business hours. It was a wise move on the doctor's part because the ophthalmologist said he could have lost the sight in his eye if he had not acted quickly enough.

He was prescribed some antibiotic drops with the instructions of "one drop per hour", even throughout the night. He was to follow up with the specialist the following day.

He did all that and it wasn't enough. His eye got worse instead of better. The antibiotic had to be changed and the frequency of the drops, doubled. All day and all night. Along with the instructions that he would have to come back daily to have it checked. Or ... he could be admitted into the hospital.

With the welfare of his vision at risk, I did not stand up at this point and offer to nurse him through the every half hour drop schedule throughout the night. When it comes to eye health and vision, I felt inadequate to take over his care.

Remember, I am still working through fixing all the errors of my ways within my bookkeeping job. Numbers and accounting are tangible, fixable and one can go back in time and fix things to the way they should have been done.

Added to that, I am still a small bit haunted by "the errors of my ways" throughout The Year of Mom. I could have done so many things better. I tried so hard but I was (am) still an imperfect human being.

I waved my white flag and hoped with my heart of hearts, my son would choose to be hospitalized. And he did.

I was grateful to be the person my son called to walk this walk with him. We really thought the walk would only be to the mediclinic, the pharmacy and back home. But instead, we spent the better part of Sunday and half of Monday together.

In the time between appointments on Sunday, we came here so I could work on his income tax while we waited until it was time to go to the appointment. I finished his taxes. He rested on the couch in the living room. Soon enough, he was snoring.

He said he felt so peaceful in those moments in the darkened living room. We were still assuming best case scenarios so his mind was at rest. I felt relieved to have him "home" and to be available for him.

Once again, the errors of my ways continue to rise up and beg to be noticed when it comes to my Oldest Child's growing up years. I made so many mistakes. I believe I could forgive myself for them, if only he did. But he hasn't. So we walk a very tenuous walk, my Oldest Son and me.

As it is with my bookkeeping job, it is with life. My bookkeeping boss is very kind and reminds me often that I have learned so much and in reality, I haven't done all that badly while left on my own with her books. Making an error is the best way to learn. I keep telling people that is why I'm so smart [surely, I jest!😉], because if there is a wrong way to do something, that is the way I will do it. 100% of the time.

Numbers and books and accounting are one thing. Perhaps this is the reason I am drawn to a world where there are checks and balances; right and wrong; balancing to zero. One can attain perfection in math. Parenthood, daughterhood and being human? Not so much.

I just have to remind myself that errors are teaching tools. In bookkeeping and in life. The key is in learning. I am very open to learning. Forgiving myself for being imperfect? Not as easy. But I'm working on it.

Life is a learning curve. We never stop learning. I am grateful the lessons just keep on coming. One of these times, my son will forgive me. When he does, I will start to forgive myself.

There is always a silver lining in whatever life hands us. Always. Imperfection is actually a gift. If it gives us the chance for a do-over, we are fortunate. Very fortunate indeed.

I am feeling very fortunate. Very fortunate, indeed.

Fail!

All it took was one day. One day of deciding to just go with the flow of the day. And I lost what I had gained the past two weeks.

One day without exercise. "I'll shovel the snow and call it good," I used as my excuse.

One day without writing. I told myself, "I'll do it later."

One day without doing anything productive around the house. I didn't even try to talk myself into feeling better about that one.

One weekend at home. By myself. With myself. And I fell right back into the comfort of doing nothing. In fact, I believe I revelled in it a little bit.

I forced myself out the door to buy groceries yesterday. I had hoped that would start the ball rolling and I would accomplish something after I got home. I didn't.

It felt so good at the time. "I need this down time," I consoled myself.

I was so very wrong. Doing hard things is the key to maintaining my status quo. Maintaining my contentment. Maintaining my "happy".

It's never too late to start over. I believe I will try to salvage the morning by finding a "Slim in 6" YouTube video so I can pump some oxygen into my malnourished brain.

I will try to write better tomorrow. This morning? It was simply an exercise of discipline. To put me where I need to be to nourish what I found.

Don't forget what works for you. When you abandon ship and take the easy route, remember how much better you felt when you did hard things. 

P.S. The entire weekend wasn't a wash. I found laughter within my solitude. An auto-correct during a text exchange with my brother lightened the moment and I laughed all over again the next day, when I reread our conversation.

Then I watched snippets of Mom's 80th birthday program. It was a most excellent day filled with family, friends, laughter. Though Mom was not on camera, you could make out her answers when my brother quizzed her on some little known facts. Lastly, her thank you. Hearing her voice saying these words found a special place within my weekend of solitude:

"I have to thank you all. You've just been great. And you are a wonderful family and to think I'm kinda responsible for it, is the sad part. Apart from that, thank you for coming and the wonderful singing. And that's it."

"Is the sad part" ... did Mom have a hard time taking credit for the qualities she liked about her family? I wonder about the meaning of that little self deprecating comment. Mom did not give praise freely and wouldn't want anyone to think she was taking credit for the way her family turned out. But it slipped out anyway. She was so appreciative of who we were to her, to each other and I think she thinks we turned out okay. I think...

Gremlins Playing Havoc (or was it just spilled coffee?)

I have done enough troubleshooting this past week to last me for a decade or so.

The troubles with my email sending spam mail, ongoing fraud on my credit card and navigating my way through the Credit Bureau's maze of complexity as one tries to find their way not only to a "human", but the "correct human in the correct department" was quite enough on its own. Then there was yesterday.

I think, but I am not entirely sure, that maybe my troubles are over. I am not exactly certain why they began ...

Did they begin because I spilled a little bit of coffee on part of the bottom row of keys on my laptop? It didn't appear so. I wiped up my spill, blew a little canned air into the keyboard to "dry" it. One does some stupid things while in panic mode - that most likely blew any coffee that may have landed inside the computer further into the computer's motherboard ...

Anyway, everything was working fine so I quickly wrote up a blog post, opened up about ten tabs on my browser (as I researched the "Fitbit" and to see if my phone &/or iPad were compatible), started an email, opened up a Word document, an Excel document and heaven only knows what else. My computer was cluttered and busy, then my daycare day walked in and I had to walk away.

By the time I got back to the computer, absolutely every program was frozen. I couldn't do a thing. Alt + F4 didn't work, nothing worked. So I shut down the computer and assumed that would fix all that ailed it. Nothing could have been further from the truth.

When "quiet time" finally rolled around, I turned on the computer and went about my merry way with the intent of continuing where I last left off. That didn't happen.

Every time I clicked anywhere on one of the tabs in the browser, the tab closed. If I tried to open up one of my "Favorites", it would open up in a new tab, then close the second I tried to open it. I googled my problem and one of the suggestions said to go to your "Settings" and check the "sync" button. I couldn't open my settings. I thought maybe the problem was isolated to Windows Chrome, so I tried opening Internet Explorer and the computer would not open the program.

I shut down and restarted, then I could get Internet Explorer to work, but not Chrome. Then my email program started asking for passwords, then it said the "Outgoing Mail" settings were wrong.

"Quiet time" was not long enough to solve my problems. By the time the kids were up and about again, I wasn't sure if the computer had a virus or if the coffee spillage had fried some wires or what was going on.

I came back to the computer last night and warriored on.

I rebooted it again. It would work for a while then mysterious things started happening again. I tried a new mouse. No difference. I could navigate my way to where I wanted to go by tabbing around and the act of "tabbing" seemed to wake something up in the computer and things would be okay for a while. Then it would freeze.

Then, big blue screen appeared warning me "Bug code NDIS driver", then the computer restarted itself. It did this twice.

So I thought since this problem started sometime yesterday morning, I would try a "System Restore" and restored the computer's settings to a previous date. I did this and walked away. I knew it would take a while, but I didn't expect it to take an hour. So I googled that problem. The wonderful thing about "googling" is that you discover you are not alone. The terrible thing about google is when it tells you the worst case scenarios: "It has been 48 hours since I did the system restore and it is still not working". Answer: "Shut down your computer and reinstall Windows from your disc" Reply: "I don't have a Windows disc because it came with the computer; Windows 8 discs are impossible to find" and so on and so forth.

Anxiety levels were starting to rise. There was nothing I could do but go to bed and call my Computer Doctor in the morning. Then something caught my eye as I tried to make myself walk away. The computer restarted itself and was working again! Well "working" was a relative term because it was still acting a little bit odd (I could not get my email program to work, then it did, then it didn't) but that was the least of my worries.

My only consolation was that I knew I could still access my files so all was not lost. I hooked up my back up device, set the computer to back up all of its files then went to bed. And slept.

My brain turned off and my eyes remained closed tight until 5:00 this morning. I woke up with the computer on my brain but I laid still and just absorbed the calmness of our cats as they rested within eye's distance from me. Then I got up and started to tackle the rest of my back up solution.

The first thing I did was turn on my email program. All was working just fine! I downloaded all of my "important" files onto a USB stick and copied them onto my trusty little netbook. I thought if my computer ends up in the "doctor's office", I would want access to my files.

I have been skitting from one thing, to the next, to the next, to the next for two and a half hours now and whatever issues the computer was having yesterday seem to have resolved themselves. And I have the added peace of mind of knowing my files have been backed up and all would not be lost if anything new happens today.

There is a common denominator here. All of my "security issues" concerning my email is due to my on-line gadding about. The security breach on my credit card has to be related to an on-line purchase at one time. The source of all my woes this week are coming from this little black box in front of me. Yet I just keep on clicking away at these keys.

It seems to me (now) that yesterday's computer woes are probably related to my coffee spillage and (fortunately) twenty four hours seems to have been all it took to restore things to where they once were.

Or was it the fact that I did restore the computer's settings back to an earlier date? That was the last troubleshooting effort I took at the end of a very long list of everything else I could think or find to do.

Or has the gremlin who is responsible for my email and credit card fraud infiltrated my computer? This is the first thought I had before I remembered that I had spilled some coffee onto the bottom row of keys on my laptop.

All of the above has reminded me of how vulnerable we are in this highly connected world of the internet. When everything works, it is nothing short of miraculous. When things start to fail, it could become catastrophic in the blink of an eye. I am but one person. What if there was a global attack on this thing we call the "internet"? I think I'm going to run for cover, lock the doors and turn out the lights. But you can be sure of one thing ... I'll be bringing my smart phone with me.

The Very Bad Thing About a Very Good Day

Yesterday morning, I sat still with my words and just basked in the afterglow of a most excellent daycare day (from the previous day). I was at one with the world, my place within it, the path I was on and life was good. Oh, so good!

Then the day happened.

It started going downhill within ten minutes of the first child walking in the door. My fully trained just-turned-three-year-old stood in the living room and peed her pants. She was so proud to tell me that she had "caught" it with the sleeve of her top and it didn't go all the way down. She was so wrong.

Twenty minutes of blotting, then cleaning the carpet and bathing said child and cleaning the bathroom after her wet clothes and soiled body went from Point A to Point B was not the best start to the day.

Then it got worse.

There was arguing and hitting. Hitting has never been an issue here. And it happened not once, but twice. Not just in the morning, but again after a good, solid afternoon nap.

There was crying. Crying over nothing, as far as my eye could see. Just crying. I don't do crying.

There were personality clashes at every turn. The oldest of the group arrived midway through the day and her habit of just taking what she wants from her younger playmates did not go over well. No one was taking any guff from anyone else and there was discontentment all around.

I had home made turkey soup simmering on the stove all morning. Lunch was easy. This soup has always been a hit in the past so I gave everyone a helping I was sure they could handle. I may as well have offered them fish eyes and frog's ears for the way they "enjoyed" their lunch. Home made turkey soup is liquid gold in our family. It was a tough blow to my already fragile ego when my generous offering was rebuffed.

Nap time would save the day. Right? Maybe not.

Right after nap time, I was scheduled to have an interview with a family who needed some short term daycare for their (turning) one year old son. The months they needed were exactly what I had available. They were referred to me by someone they trusted. It felt perfect.

I spent my quiet hour trying to clean toys without making a sound. I didn't take the quiet I needed to push through the remainder of a very challenging day.

The interview was "okay". Not awful and by no means perfect. The kids were "everywhere" and I am pretty sure if I was the mom of that little boy, I would be thinking that there is no attention left over for anyone else. let alone a precious one year old little person.

Everyone woke up from their naps and very few were 100% rested and happy. Tears and arguing continued. Throughout the interview process.

How could the day go so terribly wrong??? There was a change of dynamics among my children and it wasn't a positive thing. There is the tail end of a cold making its way through the crowd, perhaps the reason tears were so close to the surface. One little three year old is just coming down from a rather euphoric "birthday week" so I think she may have "crash landed" yesterday. And I was crashing down to reality with her.

To go from a near perfect day to one so very opposite within a twenty four hour period was hard. Very hard. Add a few extra challenges to that scenario and I was doomed.

But the opposite of that statement is almost always true. "The very good thing about a very good day ... is that it is usually a better day." Usually.

I will take what I have learned, stir gently and add it into today (and tomorrow and going forward). If this new family chooses me to take care of their child after meeting me under these circumstances I'll know one of two things. Either I held up well under pressure or they are desperate.

We'll see what today brings. One day at a time!

A Do-Over Kind of Daycare Day

Remnants of a rather challenging daycare day were awaiting me this morning.

I got up at 5:00 a.m. so I would have a chance to scrub down the couch that needed to dry out before I could even begin the process of cleaning. Hopefully three towels worth of "blotting", a generous sprinkling of Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda, covered up with a beach towel in between all the cracks and crevices of the two cushions and back of the couch, did their job of wicking up any moisture left in a urine-soaked couch last night.

I followed this up by scrubbing down the infected affected areas with a 50/50 solution of hot water and rubbing alcohol and hoping this does the job so the couch may survive yet another "day at daycare".

I did what any mother would do, to test the effectiveness of my work thus far. I unzipped the couch cover, felt the inside of the cushion for any sign of wetness and then nuzzled my nose into said "insides" and did a smell test. I am not a cat, nor do I have a black light to support my theory, but this fifty five year old nose has given it the go ahead. The couch has been saved to face another day.

My first thought yesterday afternoon was "We NEED a new couch!" But thirty minutes into the blotting and washing of said couch and child, my saner and wiser inner voice revealed the true answer "WHY?! Because this is just going to happen again and again and again. You run a daycare. Remember??"

Is it really any wonder that I want to turn one area of our home into a daycare-free zone??

I wondered why I am loving my new "suite" downstairs so much. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I can sit down at the end of my day on a couch that has no trace of children's urine, vomit, saliva nor nose juices. Sure, I may be covered in cat hair and who knows what "dog history" this lovely little portion of a sectional couch may have in its history. But it doesn't scream "daycare" to me.

******************************************************************************

I walked away from this and came back with the memory of what was happening when my fully trained, almost three-year-old, with a full bladder was doing when this happened. I think she was annoyed because she didn't get the first turn on the iPad. She was sitting beside her buddy, waiting for her turn when "this" happened. Instead of getting a turn on the iPad, she got a bath and a time out while I cooled off (honestly, I think time outs are for the sake of the care-givers). All I can wonder is "Who won that round?"

Oh, the joys of running a daycare. There are a lot of them but yesterday was a "day" of spilt milk, dropped bowls of Alphagetti, running in circles and much challenge.

When is it going to be summer again?

Sensitive

I had the best day of my daycare career a few days ago. I was calling it a "textbook" kind of day. The kind of day that was nothing out of the ordinary but it was extraordinary in its ordinariness. Does that make any sense? It was simply the kind of day I envisioned having every day when I took on this daycare career. I felt the way I expect myself to feel every day. I was calm, cool and attentive. The kids were all getting along and content with everything we were doing. It was really quite wonderful.

I was wafting along on that delicate little cloud feeling absolutely marvellous about a thoroughly ordinary day. I should have known something was up. Why did I feel that good over something so little? Hmmm.

Well, no more did I not have the time to ponder the thought that never crossed my mind before an innocent message from one of my parents knocked me off my cloud and into a deep, dark valley. I became obsessively worried about another non-event. A simple question which had me questioning "What was I thinking?? Why didn't I handle that differently?? What is wrong with me?"

I tossed and turned all night, knowing that I was over-reacting, over-feeling, overly concerned about something that simply needed a little clarification. I needed to be let off the hook. I needed to hear the words, "Oh, okay. I understand." You don't always get what you need in life. Get over it, girl! Pull up your socks and move on.

So I did.

The next morning, I got the  "Oh, okay. I understand" message I needed so badly. Then I heard from one of the editors I write for. I simply asked a question and I wasn't prepared for the answer I received. I just wondered how my stats were doing on the blog I write. I stopped promoting myself on my Facebook page and I wondered if that had had any impact. Turns out the answer is a resounding "YES". Recently my page views have been "zero to five" per post. Yikes. I'm not writing anything of value it seems (you may find me doing a little promoting on this page too). And hey, if anyone has a moment, please feel free to stop by and read me at http://www.mykawartha.com/blog/1594830 (link is on the left hand side of this page). At the moment I just use some of what I write here as my posts over there, but I'm thinking it's time to change that up, to spur on a little better quality of writing...

Back to my original point.

It seems every little thing I felt, the past few days has been magnified by about a hundred (maybe a thousand). My good day that felt extraordinary was the best side effect of all of this. Little things that should have gotten no more than a passing glance (and note-to-self, to do better in the future)? Not such a good feeling to have magnified by a thousand (maybe a million).

Back in the day, one may have blamed hormones on this swell of emotions over nothing that really matters. In fact there may be a little hormonal imbalance that wreaks havoc on my coping mechanisms to this day. It seems likely, because I can usually roll with this kind of stuff better.

Let's just say I've been overly sensitive the past few days. I'm much better now. Except today .... (and I could go on and on and on about a story about taking three small children for a forty five minute walk to buy batteries for a singing Christmas tree which (once it got the batteries it needed) just about drove me around the bend I had just drove around about a million times before today). I'm sure you don't want to hear about "today". Maybe I won't write for a few days. Maybe every little thought I write doesn't need to be written down and documented (except maybe I should document these overly sensitive days, so I can plan a little better for them if I discover a cycle).

Well that is enough out of me for a week. It's time to turn off my brain, turn on some Christmas lights and stare into space without thinking. Maybe I'll try that. Feeling a little overly sensitive yourself? Why not come join me? We can sit and stare and not talk and not feel together.

Rebuilding Another Today

It isn't just my muscles and joints that are starting to seize up and become less flexible the more I age. My thoughts, ideas and actions are becoming somewhat immobile too.

I thought I was pretty good at learning, adjusting and going with the flow.

I can keep up relatively well with the changing technology within my little world. I adapted to a new computer, an iPad, a smart phone, PVR and digital cable box within the recent past.

I keep a bookkeeping job on the side and I learn as I go along, adapt my ways to the ways my boss likes things done and I think I'm doing a decent job. She keeps asking me back, anyway.

I write to keep my thoughts well oiled and lubricated. Some of those words may be better kept to myself but I am afraid for the day when this brain of mine snaps. I may need to leave clues behind in case I ever have to be glued back together. So I let the words come as they may.

I run my little daycare and think I'm doing okay. Then ... a new one year old enters the room and everything I thought I knew about kids and how to handle new challenges goes out the window.

"One" is hard. Yet it is easy. One year olds seem to have the essence of being the sun and the rest of the world revolves around them. Which is easy when you look at it from their point of view. But very, very hard when you have three other "suns" in the same solar system and one "planet" (that would be me), tending to each of these unique rays of sunshine and trying to help everyone co-exist within one small world.

Yesterday? Was a lesson in futility. Everything I did was wrong.

Thankfully one to three year olds sleep. It gave this old "planet" a chance to regenerate itself, regroup and try it all over again a few hours later.

Things went better after a two hour reprieve but they were far from perfect.

Children are mirrors of the world as they see it. It is unfortunate when the two year old mimics the one year old and instantly "forgets" all he has learned. A little boy, who can count well into the teens, sings the ABC song (and knows his letters!), recites animals and the sounds they make, recognizes colors and is so smart it makes my head spin, has started talking baby talk to our little one year old and is back to putting everything in his mouth.

It has only been a week. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it was destroyed in a matter of hours.

I'm seeing "Rome" falling all around my feet and I'm scrambling to hold it together. 'Tis one of the challenges of running a daycare.

I suppose this offsets the lack of stimulating conversation within my day. As I sat down and tried to "talk taxes" with an expert in the field last night I felt my brain matter melting into a hot molten puddle of lava. "I don't talk after 6:00" I explained, "And I spend my day in the company of one to three year olds. Please excuse me ..."

I am picking up the rubble of yesterday and taking what I learned to rebuild another today. It is really all we can ever do.

May you build a better today than yesterday within your own little empire.

Rebooting and Restarting the Day

Getting up at 5:30 in the morning, after a week of holidays, certainly had a way of taking the wind out of my sails. I was toast by 1:00 yesterday afternoon and sawing logs on the couch before my supper was digested last night.

I thought that waking up with my alarm this morning would reset and reboot me and my day. It didn't quite happen that way.

I hate when a morning starts with the need for troubleshooting right from the get-go.

Our antivirus program did not automatically update and I couldn't figure out how to solve the dilemma without the enlisting the help from their support staff. About an hour later, the issue was resolved and I was on my way to try and salvage what was left of my time before "my day" walked in the door.

Then I tried to print off a utility bill but I couldn't sign into my account. I tried, tried and tried again. Remember that definition of "insanity"? Trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results? I thought persistence would win. I was wrong.

The inability to print off my bill reminded me that I hoped to figure out why I couldn't balance my credit card yesterday morning, so I headed off to my credit card account to solve that mystery.

After I succeeded at that mission, I came back to my utility account with a fresh eye and realized I had been using the wrong user name. Here I thought it had something to do with our antivirus program not renewing ...

I was hoping to have time to update my daycare blog, write a little here and still have words, time and inspiration to send off a few emails and a letter. I failed. Well no, I didn't fail at everything. I wrote the emails that were at the tip of my fingertips and trusted they must have been the words that most needed to be written.

Then my daycare day began.

I don't know if it was me or if it was the kids. But we had a morning of "testing limits". There was more crying here this morning than there has been in the past two months.

I tried downloading a new game for our LeapPads, to make them more alluring to the younger set, who think they are old enough to play on the iPad. Guess what? More troubleshooting was necessary.

Eventually, we made it out for a walk and I thought the spell was broken. Then I went to continue to update my daycare blog and all the pictures I downloaded yesterday turned into little icons and I had to do more troubleshooting to finally get them working again.

So here I am, approximately where I had hoped to be at about 5:45 this morning.

Is it too late to reboot and restart this day?

When You Know Where You Are Going...

Do you ever feel like you should do something but don't act on it? But the times you do act, you absolutely know without a doubt that it was the right thing to do? Me too!

So I took what life has taught me and set a plan into action.

The idea has been in the back of my mind for six months. I made a proposal to Mom and asked her to join me when she was in the thick of her medical worries this past winter. I needed to think out and beyond the present and bring her along with me. So I asked.

A few weeks ago, she mentioned that idea once again. This time, her sister asked her if she would consider the idea. Her answer was, "Actually, I have been thinking of doing [exactly what  you just suggested]."

Monday morning, the right set of thought waves set a plan into action.

Step #1. Ask for the time off. I needed two days attached to the lonely holiday Wednesday on July 1st. By the day's end, my wish was granted.

Step #2. Find a means to get there and a place to stay. I checked online and found my answers.

Step #3. Contact those on the destination end of my plans and see if the idea was feasible. Once again, I received my answer by the day's end.

Step #4. ACT!!

And that is exactly what I did.

I set the date, the place and the time. I reserved our rooms. Then I called Mom, gave her this information and all she had to do was to say, "Yes". And that is exactly what she did. A quiet, firm and without hesitation "Yes!"

Mom and I are flying out to see my uncle on July 1st. The flights are booked, the accommodations are taken care of. The details are minute.

We are going.

Mom said, "YES!"

Sometimes in life, we just need it to be as easy as saying "yes" or "no". We need someone else to take care of the details.

I'm a detail person. I can do that.

This feels as right to me, as it did when I surprised Mom on Mother's Day weekend with a quick trip out to her place to take her out for supper.

It is the right thing to do.

I wavered for a millisecond yesterday and then I reread the last sentence of the quote I posted yesterday morning. "... When you know where you are going, the universe will clear a path for you." ~ Iyanla Vanzant

Well Universe, we did our part. I have faith that you will keep your end of the bargain. Because we are booked and we know where you are going. All we need from you is a clear path.

"Thank you in advance for your assistance in this matter!"

A Do-Over Kind of Weekend (aka: Monday, I am SO Not Ready For You!)

I feel so incredibly unprepared for "Monday". I feel like I am running on empty.

This past weekend was just an experiment. Please let me try it and do it all over again. I can learn from what went wrong and do it better. I promise.

I would leave my house five minutes earlier to go to work Saturday morning. I would leave the house a half hour earlier to meet up with a friend Saturday evening. I would get up an hour earlier Sunday morning.

I would listen more and talk less. I would relax and just let things flow. I would not try so hard.

I would find a way to politely tell the young man (and the two girls he was trying to impress) to stop talking through the entire movie I went to see with my son yesterday.

I would eat better, breathe deeper, stop more often and just inhale the moments.

Moments.

There were simply not enough of them these past two days. Last week was too busy and I was really counting on the weekend to breathe air back into my soul.

I scanned the calendar for the upcoming month. It is empty. I am beyond relieved.

I don't have a to-do-list or a must-be-there list. I just have to wake up each morning and show up for my day. That is it.

I can do that!

One day at a time. That is all. Just show up. I can do that.

A Distracted Day

Well, that was a day I hope never to repeat. It was a day of "distracted babysitting".

Our weather has gone weird. It was a hot, "summer" day (+20°C), yet there is still snow on the ground. 

I had no idea what to do with my little people as the weather tried to decide on what season it would be. I (foolishly) thought "They have been outside in the morning and afternoon for weeks now, surely to goodness we can spend the morning inside..."

That was perhaps the last (in)sane thought I had.

I rotated toys. I brought up a HUGE box of boxes and containers with lids for them to do with, as they pleased. I rotated more toys. I brought out the LeapPad, the iPad and the McDonald Happy Meal boxes I had folded up and saved for another day...

Them: "What do we do with these [the boxes], Colleen?" 

Me: "Whatever your imagination tells you to do..."

There was bickering and nattering and non-stop talking, doing and needing.

I sat at the computer desk puttering away at a menial, no-brainer type of task. I thought I could do that and watch over my little people at the same time.

I was wrong. I was soooo wrong!

We made it to lunch time. It felt like everyone was soooo needy yesterday (perhaps I was the needy one, as I desperately tried to finish the task I had started). 

We made it to and through quiet time and I thought that would reset and reboot the day. It always does.

Not yesterday.

My "new guy" arrived and stirred a pot which was already stirred, shaken and pureed to oblivion. I was depleted. And this guy cried. And cried. And cried. He cried if I held him. He cried if I didn't. He just cried...

I wanted to cry too. I really did.

But I didn't. I held on and got through the day.

We went outside and the season of discontentment continued. The kids wandered around acting like they had already done, been and conquered all there was to do outside. And it is not even the end of April!!!

Oh. My. Gosh.

We endured. That is about all I can say.

I must go to my bookkeeping job tonight. I must work again this weekend. I have filled the last few weekends with puttering around the house and I tried to putter a little bit throughout the day yesterday and disaster ensued. 

"This" is why I have been getting nothing done around here. 

Maybe it isn't an excuse after all. "This" is my reality. 

Here is to hoping my coping skills return today. Time to shut off my distractions and tune into my day. 

Things are always better when you focus on the moment you are in. And that is exactly what I intend to do.

Doing the Next Right Thing

A little guy who I take care of within my daycare world is a lovable little gaffer. He has a personality that shines, he has a zest for life and eyes that could light up a city. 

He is as smart as a whip, smarter than me I think, which has caused no end of challenges and struggles but we are working things out. Bit by bit, day by day.

He has developed a habit which cannot continue. He hits. Often he hurts someone with a toy he has in his hand as he delivers a blow. It hurts. his friends are getting angry and frustrated. I am getting angry and frustrated.

I have tried everything I know how to do, to try and help him understand he is hurting people. I have told him to hit himself with the toy in question so he knows how it feels. He does it, continues to do it and I have even noticed him voluntarily hitting himself with a toy when he doesn't even know I'm looking.

There have been time outs, angry/stern voices as I "deliver my lesson" to him, isolating him from others, every thing I can possibly think of, I  have tried.

All of this, yet we still don't see eye-to-eye on this situation. It has been extremely frustrating.

Yesterday, our brand new week started out with a hitting issue. I put him in a time out in the kitchen, I met him on his level and cupped his chubby little cheeks in my hands, looked him directly in the eye and said, "That hurts. You are hurting people. Hands off! Be kind. Be gentle. Be gentle..."

He looked directly into my eyes and soul and ever so quietly, ever so sternly and with great intent behind his words, he said, "I don't like you".

I thought I heard him wrong so I asked him to repeat himself. And he did. "I don't like you."

It was unmistakeable. He doesn't like me. At least not in that moment. 

In that very moment, I didn't particularly like his actions either. So that was my response to him. "I don't like what you are doing right now."

And our day continued to move on in a forward direction. 

He continued to reoffend and I continued to be frustrated and tried my very best to catch him in action so he understood exactly what actions were offensive to me.

The good outweighed the bad, by far, and our day was all-in-all a good one.

Their were many more minor infractions within my small daycare family. I had had a most perfectly balanced and fulfilling weekend and I was on my A-game. Let me stress the word "my" within that sentence. I was by no means perfect, but I was so much better than I have been.

The girls were acting like mean, spiteful teenagers among themselves. They were being unkind and acting in ways which were hurtful to those around them.

One of my little girls is an instigator. I rarely catch her doing wrong but I am quite certain her actions are often the starting point where the second or third person down the line gets caught doing something wrong because they are reacting to her behaviour.

Yesterday, I caught her in action a few times.

She was absolutely devastated. She burst into tears with a dramatic flair and she didn't have to say the words. I knew in that very moment she did not like me either. I was really on a roll.

I felt bad that she felt so badly but I did not want to lose the momentum of catching her in the act of doing something wrong and hurtful to her friends. So I focused on "Do the next right thing" (this is a quote of Glennon Doyle's - I am not that wise). 

I couldn't believe the power I felt by inserting those words into our day, so I elaborated with some of my own.

"Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone. All we can do is do the next right thing. Let's start from here and just be kind to each other. Do the next right thing."

I subconsciously propel myself through my days with this mantra in my head. I make so many mistakes. I am not better (probably worse, because I know better) than the small people in my care. I try to stop myself in my tracks, take a deep, long breath and tell myself to do better. "Do the next right thing."

It is really all we can expect of ourselves. 

When we know better, we (try to) do better. We all make mistakes. We all say and do things we wish we could take back the moment we do them. How can I expect my young charges to do any better than me, when I struggle each and every day to simply "do my best, restart and redo whenever I can and do the next right thing"?

Forgiveness, friendship and kindness are what we focus on here within our daycare world. It isn't easy. But it is necessary.

"All relationships take work. Sometimes that work looks like a disagreement or an argument. It may also look like stress that creates tension. Don't worry! It is all part of the work. The key to a successful relationship is to allow the work to take place, to allow the communication to continue, and to keep your heart open to love and be loved." ~ Iyanla Vanzant

One Step Forward, Ten Steps Back

I have no idea where this day is going to go but if it continues to go the way it has, since I woke up this morning, I think I may end up in yesterday.

Did you ever have one of those days where you think you'll get up with the alarm so you can do those "impossible things" before your workday officially begins?

Me too!

Today was the day I was going to those hard things before my daycare day walked in the door. I was going to wash sheets, send off my columns, troubleshoot the Leap Pad and be ready for my day before 7:00.

Spoiler alert. It is now almost 10:00 and I have accomplished only "one of the above".

I went to my Excel spreadsheet where I track all of the columns I have written, sent and I have linked this information to my Word documents so I can quickly click on a link and read the attached article.

I tried that this morning and it sent me off into a Netherland called:  "C:\Users\Colleen\AppData\Roaming\AppData\Roaming\AppData\Roaming\Microsoft\Excel\Yoked.htm"

I tried all of my usual troubleshooting skills and ended up feeling a little ill. Kind of like maybe we (the computer and I) caught a bug.

I googled and eventually I ended up redoing the entire workbook on a brand new Excel file. It took forever but I thought if I didn't do it before the kids arrived, I would not get back to it. So I persevered.

In the meantime, I closed the original spreadsheet. When it asked if I wanted to make changes, I said "No". And I went on my merry way.

I worked and worked and finally finished the job. 

Then I reopened the original file. And it worked just fine! The computer had restarted itself after some updates and my Excel file was saved as a repaired file with this perplexing linkage problem. All I had to do was close out the program without saving and then reopen it.

I wasted a good hour doing something that should have taken only one minute.

Excellent usage of time, wouldn't you say? 

When I tried to reread the articles I wanted to send. My words sound dull, lifeless, worn out and overused. I can't find one thing I've written that feels worthy of sending out into the big, scary world. I am stuck.

So I moved past that and thought I may as well try to figure out what I couldn't fix yesterday, after I bought some new games for our Leap Pads and couldn't "sync" them onto both Leap Pads.

It took two phone calls, several more attempts of "rinse and repeat" after the Leap Pad technician told me how to do what was impossible for me yesterday and while I was on the phone, one of my daycare charges peed all the way to the bathroom within fifteen minutes of just "going".

Aaaack!!! I couldn't even manage to effectively take my children to the bathroom! "I'm all done, Colleen" was her refrain when she supposedly "went" right after breakfast.

Just like my Excel spreadsheet troubles, something that should have been taken care of in one minute took at least twenty minutes of blotting and scrubbing the path of urine out of the carpet. From the middle of the living room, all the way to the bathroom. Perhaps it took a half hour. I don't know. 

I just know I have been spinning my wheels all morning.

But I'm headed to a better place than I was when I started. I have learned several lessons as I sat here and spun my wheels.

All I can think is, "Is it yesterday yet?" I would really like to retry everything I did this morning with all I have learned along the way.