The Wonderful World of Libraries

It is ironic, since I have Mom's library of books showcased and begging to be read, that this year I have rediscovered the wonderful world within our local library.

I have a very hard time holding onto a thought long enough to read and stay awake at the same time. So I have indulged myself in reading whatever has grabbed my attention in order to try to re-instill the habit of reading. 

Even amid the COVID world, I was able to place holds on books that caught my attention, reserve a time to pick them up, then check them out without breaking the 6 foot social distancing barrier. 

The library offers a vast variety of books, old and new. The ability to read for pleasure, to pursue an interest or to educate yourself on whatever piques your interest is available to all. Absolutely free of charge.

Whenever I check out a book, my library receipt tells me how much I've saved by utilizing the library. I find positive reinforcement at every turn.

I have been watching my pennies very carefully this month. Yet I was still able to treat myself to reading Alex Trebek's new book "The Answer Is", thanks to my friendly neighborhood library.

The library is only one of many offerings that is out there available at no cost. 

• Sitting on your doorstep and breathing in fresh air, sunshine and nature
• A walk to anywhere
• Catching up with a friend
• Writing (I would add letter writing but there is the small cost of a stamp which is still the best value for your dollar in my opinion)
• Sitting still with yourself and allowing yourself to dream
• Going through photo albums, cards, letters or memorabilia you have collected
• Housecleaning (hey, it's free and actually quite satisfying once you get past the hard part of starting)

Look around you. See what you can come up with. Some of the best things in life are free.

Giving Up Verses Giving In

One of life's most important lessons just may be: "Know when to call for help". This renewed piece of knowledge is brought to you by The Need to Get A New Computer.

This is how I thought the conversation went:

Me: I bought the computer using no other information than what you told us. It has 8 GB of Ram with an Intel processor. It is untouched, still sealed, new in the box, just in case we have to return it. I have never bought a computer before. My Previous Computer Guy always did everything for me and brought it to me when he did whatever had to be done. My boss said to have you take care of setting up the new computer.

Computer Guy: All you need to do is turn it on and let the updates run. That will save me time ...

So that is how I got myself into a situation that was way above my pay grade.

I knew I was in trouble when the absolutely very first thing I did when the computer came to life and asked me the simple question: 

What language do you want to use? "United States - English or Canada - [I didn't stop to read any further - I just knew I lived in Canada so I clicked before I read]"

Warning! Warning! Warning!

Always read before you click!!!!!!!

I clicked "Canada - ________" and apparently the word after Canada must have been French because from that point onward the computer spoke and typed to me in Canadian French.

The day steadily went downhill from there.

The next day, my Computer Guy came to install data from the hard drive which had crashed and our conversation went something like this:

Me: I got myself in way over my head. I've never done this before and I made every mistake known to man.

Computer Guy: That's why I always like to set up a new computer myself.

Me: I thought you said all I had to do was turn it on and let the updates run.

Computer Guy: [after a calm discussion of what he thought he said and what I thought I heard] There is no sense in wondering about what happened yesterday. We can only go forward from here.

Me: So apparently, when the VERY first thing you do is wrong, you quit and call an expert in the field.

Computer Guy: [short version of a very long answer] Yes

Lesson learned. 

I have become as wise as I am due to all the things I have done wrong before I find the right way. My personal motto is "I rarely take a direct route to where I'm going but I always get there in the end." Sometimes? Just sometimes? I need a little help getting there.

All of what I have learned in life has come from doing it wrong before I got it right. Or finally figured out that I should simply give up and/or call for help.

Giving up verses giving in. This ongoing battle will continue to be part of my life story. 

When do we finally get to the part where we are simply wise? I guess when we stop trying new things. I am starting to believe learning is highly overrated.

“Once you stop learning you start dying” 

~ Albert Einstein

Opening a Book - The Gift of Words

I have been filling myself up with other people's words recently. I have been reading.  It has been thoroughly enjoyable.

After watching the movie "Judy", I was interested in finding a biography on Judy Garland. I was in the biography section in the library unsuccessful in my quest, when I found Sally Field's memoir "In Pieces" and Chrissy Metz's (from "This is Us") book "This is Me".

I believe I found the books I was meant to read. The thing I love about both of these books is they are autobiographical. No one from the outside, looking in has written the words. They are first person, told from their personal point of view.

Their stories both go back to their first memories, their childhood, the circumstances they were raised in which resulted in a lot of memories about their mothers. As an imperfect mother in an imperfect world, I read their words from the perspective of my own children.

If my three sons were to write a book about their childhood, the mother they knew, their father as they knew him, the circumstances, their challenges, my failings leading up to the people they are today, it would result in three completely different stories.

As I read Sally and Chrissy's books, I thought the same rang true as they spoke of parents as they knew them. Both Sally and Chrissy had other siblings. It sounds as though different children within the same family were treated differently. To write this without context sounds harsh. But from my own personal experience, I know I was a different person as I raised each one of my boys.

Youth, inexperience, struggles within the marriage, finances, job security, my own personal character flaws, outside influences ... everything changed as I went along. I did the best I could at the time and my best changed and evolved over the years. No matter how much I learned along the way, I still made mistakes.

I love the way Sally Field summarizes how she feels as she brings her book to a close. She acknowledges the changing theories on raising a child, she writes of how important the infant to independence years of caring for a child are but she emphasizes that who you become as a person and a parent for the rest of your life matters a lot.

We are all imperfect beings doing the best we can with what we have. I challenge anyone out there to say they have been perfect. We all make mistakes. Sometimes we repeat the mistakes, recycle them, relive them and continue to relearn the lessons we were meant to learn.

We all have different "starting points". We were all raised differently, we have different gene pools, we internalize the world in our own unique way. Some of us learn faster than others. Some may be trapped in circumstances they cannot leave.

Chrissy Metz summarizes it by saying "Hurt people hurt people". Everyone has a story. I am so grateful to have read Sally and Chrissy's stories. Stories where they simply tell the facts as they remember them. Their truth. They don't point fingers and blame others for their circumstances. They acknowledged they wouldn't have become who they needed to be without the challenges they overcame.

I am grateful I stumbled upon autobiographies. They were interesting to read, I learned a lot and these books have piqued my curiosity to learn more, read more, write more and write better.

These little gifts were courtesy of my local library. All for the cost of $0.00. Reading is free of charge. Learning is optional. I love the door these books opened. I appreciate the perspective I have gained as a result of these personal memoirs. Thank you Sally and Chrissy.

Dreaming of a Life of Ease

What would I do if I had all the time in the world? These are the thoughts I ponder as I have recently started to dream of what "retirement" may mean in the up and coming years.

My very first thought is that I would like to tame a wild rabbit or two. Not to trap it in a cage and keep it for myself, but for this little creature to come to know I would do it no harm and supply it with some rabbit snacks and perhaps some hay ...

My second thought is that I would register for some university courses. Tuition fees are waived for those who are the age of 65 years or better. The idea of learning for the sake of learning and not having to seek out and find employment afterwards sounds like my idea of heaven.

I would set out and discover places within our fair city to simply sit back and watch nature unfold before my eyes. I have just spent the past fifteen minutes or so watching four robins in our neighbor's front lawn. To my inexperienced eyes, it looked like there were three males and one female. I would love to learn all I could learn about the wild life that I found along the way.

I would explore our province. Day trips to destinations unknown would be my entertainment. Find a friend, pack a light snack and coffee-to-go and follow wherever the road took us. We would find our own adventure, stop for supper on our way home and come home feeling as though we had just been on vacation.

I would set small goals. Clean out one drawer a day. One box of letters. One box of photos. One cupboard. One small step at a time, great things would happen over a long period of time.

I would read. I would immerse myself in a book so good that I would become lost within the pages. My best reading days felt like I took a vacation without having to leave the house. I have lost my love for reading over the course of time. I want to rekindle that fire.

I would turn off all electronics, televisions and phones for a set time frame every day to listen to the quiet. I would listen for "the knowing" and find my way to the next moment. I would be still. Every day.

I would search for ways to keep connected to the people within my world. I would stockpile stamps, envelopes and blank writing spaces so I could send words out into the world on a regular, yet sporadic basis.

I would take notes along the way so I could write about the small stuff each and every day.

I have reread my wish list and realize I have everything I need to start this life of leisure right now. Today. There is little holding me back.

Except work. Speaking of which, I must ready myself for a day away from home. It is no wonder this life of ease feels so elusive.

The Learning Curve of Living

It's been a while since I wrote out loud. I'm not sure how this morning's writing will go but I shall give it a whirl.

I've been on a "rinse and repeat" cycle of living and it is going fine. Repetition and routine is my thing and I do it well enough. Not perfect. Never perfect. Imperfection is exhausting.

Yes, it is "year end" in the bookkeeping business. All my sins of the year past are catching up with me. It is a very steep learning curve. Learning exhausts me. Day after day of correcting the errors of my ways depletes me.

Thus, I continue to live for the weekend.

The weekend past, I offered to work Saturday at my bookkeeping job to help meet all the impending deadlines. It is easier to go to work when I get to come straight home afterwards. That was the only upside of volunteering to work on a much anticipated weekend.

Always grateful to be home, I celebrated my homecoming with a Big Mac Meal from McDonald's in my own private mini celebration of a friend's birthday. She is the person who introduced me to the Big Mac. I called to wish her a happy birthday, as soon as I was finished eating. I wound up my working Saturday by visiting an old school friend. And it was good.

I woke up to an empty slate Sunday morning. I had tentative plans to meet up with a good friend but the day wasn't set in stone. I like that feeling. It energized me. So I was up, dressed, fed and ready for the day when my Oldest Son called me:

Me: "How are you?"
Him: "Terrible"
Me: "How come I always get these calls?" [Really?! Did I REALLY say that?? Yes, I did. Because this is how all his calls about 'girl troubles' start. I thought we were going down that road again. I DID say that. I'm sorry]
Him: "What?"
Me: "What's up?"
Him: "I can't see ..."

And so went our conversation from there.

He thought he had pink eye, so wasn't overly concerned. He just asked if I could drive him to the mediclinic when it opened. End of story. Except it wasn't.

Long story short, he has contracted a "bacterial ulcer" (corneal ulcer), most likely from his extended wear contact lenses. The situation can become bad, very fast so it is good he had it checked when he did.

Thankfully, the mediclinic doctor made an appointment with an eye specialist at the hospital, that very day. Sunday. I was impressed the doctor didn't put him off and suggest he wait until regular business hours. It was a wise move on the doctor's part because the ophthalmologist said he could have lost the sight in his eye if he had not acted quickly enough.

He was prescribed some antibiotic drops with the instructions of "one drop per hour", even throughout the night. He was to follow up with the specialist the following day.

He did all that and it wasn't enough. His eye got worse instead of better. The antibiotic had to be changed and the frequency of the drops, doubled. All day and all night. Along with the instructions that he would have to come back daily to have it checked. Or ... he could be admitted into the hospital.

With the welfare of his vision at risk, I did not stand up at this point and offer to nurse him through the every half hour drop schedule throughout the night. When it comes to eye health and vision, I felt inadequate to take over his care.

Remember, I am still working through fixing all the errors of my ways within my bookkeeping job. Numbers and accounting are tangible, fixable and one can go back in time and fix things to the way they should have been done.

Added to that, I am still a small bit haunted by "the errors of my ways" throughout The Year of Mom. I could have done so many things better. I tried so hard but I was (am) still an imperfect human being.

I waved my white flag and hoped with my heart of hearts, my son would choose to be hospitalized. And he did.

I was grateful to be the person my son called to walk this walk with him. We really thought the walk would only be to the mediclinic, the pharmacy and back home. But instead, we spent the better part of Sunday and half of Monday together.

In the time between appointments on Sunday, we came here so I could work on his income tax while we waited until it was time to go to the appointment. I finished his taxes. He rested on the couch in the living room. Soon enough, he was snoring.

He said he felt so peaceful in those moments in the darkened living room. We were still assuming best case scenarios so his mind was at rest. I felt relieved to have him "home" and to be available for him.

Once again, the errors of my ways continue to rise up and beg to be noticed when it comes to my Oldest Child's growing up years. I made so many mistakes. I believe I could forgive myself for them, if only he did. But he hasn't. So we walk a very tenuous walk, my Oldest Son and me.

As it is with my bookkeeping job, it is with life. My bookkeeping boss is very kind and reminds me often that I have learned so much and in reality, I haven't done all that badly while left on my own with her books. Making an error is the best way to learn. I keep telling people that is why I'm so smart [surely, I jest!😉], because if there is a wrong way to do something, that is the way I will do it. 100% of the time.

Numbers and books and accounting are one thing. Perhaps this is the reason I am drawn to a world where there are checks and balances; right and wrong; balancing to zero. One can attain perfection in math. Parenthood, daughterhood and being human? Not so much.

I just have to remind myself that errors are teaching tools. In bookkeeping and in life. The key is in learning. I am very open to learning. Forgiving myself for being imperfect? Not as easy. But I'm working on it.

Life is a learning curve. We never stop learning. I am grateful the lessons just keep on coming. One of these times, my son will forgive me. When he does, I will start to forgive myself.

There is always a silver lining in whatever life hands us. Always. Imperfection is actually a gift. If it gives us the chance for a do-over, we are fortunate. Very fortunate indeed.

I am feeling very fortunate. Very fortunate, indeed.

A Little Bit of Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing

A little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Thank goodness the one thing education-after-high-school taught me was that the more I learn, the more I realize there is SO much more I do not know. Thus, I (think I) know when it is time to call an expert.

I am trying to help Mom out with some "land stuff". The details are tedious and boring but one fact of the matter is that I am dealing with stuff that could trigger taxes of all kinds. So after consulting with someone I know and trust, who does not know a lot about farm taxation, I thought I would go directly to the source. I called Revenue Canada.

Big mistake. HUGE mistake. If you read no further than this, please learn one thing from the error of my ways. When dealing with taxation, call an accountant who specializes in the field you are questioning. Do NOT call Revenue Canada.

First of all, I was transferred to six different people in six different departments before they answered the question I did NOT ask and eventually told me exactly how to word my original question so I (eventually) ended up in the right department on the seventh try. You need an education in how to speak Revenue Canadaese. It is a language I do not know and the slight bit I thought I knew got me into trouble. Not with Revenue Canada. Revenue Canada and I are just fine. It was the hot mess of confusion left in my wake after that ill fated call that was the trouble.

Looking back, I know I learned a lot of things I will need to know one day. I am very grateful that "day" was now and not at a time when things are a little more emotionally charged and I will not be thinking straight. I am very thankful for the lessons I learned. But I learned them the long and hard way.

Talking with Revenue Canada helped me understand I needed to talk to an expert in the farm accounting field. I consulted my good friend "Google" and came up with information that seemed to be the answer to my questions and I followed where that trail led. Thank goodness I was not in a state where I needed to act immediately.

An agent representing the company I found came to my home after my daycare day was done. You would think that would be ideal. It was not. I was forced to open my door and "talk business" at 7:00 p.m. at night. First off, I am usually in my pajamas by then. My brain waves are slowing down. I am in "sleep mode". Instead, I actually felt I had to clean my house in order to open the door to this stranger who would not answer any of my questions for free. Instead, he led me down his garden path and it sounded like they had all the answers to my questions AND the questions I had not yet thought to ask. BUT they would need (what sounded like) a contract and a two  year commitment. Whoa, Nellie!!

I shut the door at the end of that tortuousness ordeal at 8:30 at night and I felt desperate. When the going gets desperate, the desperate go to bed. And that is exactly what I did. Clarity and answers always find me in the morning. Never at night. I trusted a good night's sleep and a clear brain would tell me what I needed to know. And it did.

A few phone calls to the right people, referred to me by someone I know and trust, directed me exactly where I needed to go. Last night I went there. And it was good.

An "expert in the field" alleviated all of my immediate worries. They clarified the information I was given by who I mistakenly thought of experts prior to all of this. I went to their office, at 6:00. I was back home by 7:00 and in my pajamas, right on schedule.

He answered every question I had. He "has my back" if the going gets tough (or over my head). He put my mind to rest for the first time in weeks.

I am surrounded by people who think I am better than I know I am. These very same people think I am smarter than I actually am too. I am grateful to live in a world where I have to grow to meet the standards people already believe I have. I am very fortunate. The opposite end of this belief system would kill me slowly.

I am even more grateful for the extra bit of education I have taken along my way which taught me what I need to know the most. "The more I learn, the more I realize there is so much more I do not know." A little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Unless you take that information and share it with an expert in the field (who preferably comes with a personal reference).

I shall take what I have learned and move forward. Thanks for believing in me, Mom. You have led me where I needed to go.

Life Lessons - What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

On August 6, 2009, I wrote this: "Giant Steps"

Oh, how my rose colored glasses saw my future. If only I knew then, what I know now...

A brief synopsis of my life between "then" and "now":

I took a bookkeeping course which I completed in just under a year. It was the best year of my life.

Going to school allowed me the flexibility to continue to take in before and after school children, work part time at a bookkeeping job from home, work my school commitments in and around my life and fill the extra time doing what I most loved to do.

I danced and I lived out my dreams in between all the cracks of my life back then. It was a wonderful and glorious time.

I completed my education and was ready, willing and able to take on my bookkeeping work in a full time capacity.

Long story short? That never really happened. Yes, I was able to continue to work out of my home for a while. That "while" was very good.

I continued to live a life where I filled in the gaps of my non-work-life doing what I most wanted to do. There was "Zumba", "Bellyfit", an Alaskan cruise and I could fit work into the cracks of "life".

Yes, I worked some weekends but when Mom came out for a visit, I was available to do and go places whenever we chose to do so. I was able to run out to Mom's when I needed and wanted to be there.

The pay cheque was not a full time one, and it was a struggle financially. But my work to personal life ratio was in perfect balance. It was still a pretty good place to be.

This could and would not last forever. I needed stability so I went in search of greener (and I mean the greenery that comes from a steady pay cheque) pastures.

Another long story short, you have to deal with a lot of "manure" to attain those green pastures. Many lessons were learned, minus the student loan. The financial struggle became more prevalent and eventually I ended up exactly where I started before this saga began.

I reopened my daycare almost three years ago and six years later, I am finally back on my feet again.

Those "Giant Steps" and that huge leap of faith came with a price tag of approximately $20,000.00 (I could do the math and quote an exact number but I'm running out of time). Add one student loan to a revolving mortgage where I had to borrow to meet expenses and it equals a number very close to that.

I am not only paying the bills again, but I am finally starting to whittle away at the debt I accumulated during my Time of Great Learning.

My bookkeeping education did not pay for itself but it has opened doors for me. Doors that equal a part time income that subsidizes my life and is starting to pay off my debt. Doors that may make all the difference in the world when I segue out of the daycare world some day. Doors that keep my brain from coming foggy and mushy. Doors where I get to "balance to zero" and have black and white answers to everything that comes my way.

I like numbers. They make sense. There is always a black and white answer. I like that about numbers.

Life is messy. There are so very many shades of gray. Answers don't come easily and when life resolves itself it is hard to understand why some things happen the way they do.

I am so very grateful that my hiatus from the daycare world provided me with options which are enhancing my life today and will help me out in the future. It isn't what I expected. But it is exactly what I needed.

I like a life filled with a good balance of "black and white" intermixed with a rainbow of other colors. I am grateful for the complications of "life". I know I need to see beyond balancing to zero.

I sing the lyrics "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" with great gusto. Because these past six years have made me much stronger than I was before all of this unfolded.

Parenting - Learning as I Go

I think I should have had more children. I have been at this job almost 37 years and I think I may just be starting to get the hang of it.

To "oldest children" everywhere, can I please just apologize?

Maybe I am just speaking for myself but sometimes I hear a bit of the same as I listen to other parents. We really have no idea what we are in for, when we become a parent.

Add one dose of high expectations to another generous dose of reality, apply generously while raising a unique human being and add an unknown quantity of stressors to the equation and what that equals is: "learning as you go".

Little of what you learned will apply to subsequent children. They will react to the same stimuli in completely and totally unexpected ways. The main thing I learned was to pick my battles. I knew I could not win them all, so I fought over what I deemed important and turned a blind eye to minor infractions.

This lesson I had learned did not go over well with my oldest sibling. He remembered very well, the lessons I had attempted to teach him. He saw his younger brother getting away with stuff he couldn't and there was a feeling of injustice born inside of him.

Perhaps there is an advantage to having your children close together. A two year old isn't scrutinizing your parenting skills and comparing and contrasting them to what they once knew. However, an eighteen year old, watching his nine year old brother get away with things he was never allowed to do, remembers.

I made many mistakes along the way. I know you are not supposed to think of them as "mistakes". But they were. I did have many, many moments I wish I could rewind the tape and do it better. Unfortunately, I wasn't a fast learner. I kept repeating the errors of my ways. I had not yet learned the lesson (aka: definition of insanity) "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" (words of wisdom by Albert Einstein).

Enter my third child.

He was born to a mother who had finally learned a little from what had went awry in her prior two "experiments".

When my oldest two children entered their teen years, I really veered off the course of model parenthood. I was barely surviving this parent-of-a-teen gig. I was learning on the fly and I wasn't learning much.

I merely reacted to the challenges of raising a teen. I did not have one proactive trick up my sleeve.

My youngest child has been a model child. I wish I had had him first. But if I had, I don't think he would be who he is. I think his character is one part me, another part his dad, blended evenly, mixed up into a human body and raised by a mom who had learned a few things the way.

I knew it could not last forever but I still wasn't expecting it when it happened.

My model student and even tempered sixteen year old child "crashed".

I typed that sentence and walked away. As I took some time and space from that statement I wondered if that was the reason I reacted differently this time. Because there was such a stark difference between who he was and who he is.

Maybe I am not so wise after all. Maybe it isn't "lessons learned" that helped me be a better parent. Maybe it is simply a different child, different circumstances, such a stark contrast and (also) a different me.

I am not certain if we have walked through the other end of this tunnel yet but I see sunlight.

He came home from school yesterday and smiled. Sure enough, who couldn't smile when three small children spotted him a half block away from home and started greeting him well before he walked up our driveway? They were akin to three very well behaved puppy dogs who were simply happy to see him and not afraid to show it.

The difference showed itself when he chose to stay and spend time with us. He hasn't had the desire or energy to do that for a very long time.

The difference (I think) is because I stepped up to the plate and acted as his advocate when he had no idea which way to turn.

With his permission, I talked with professionals who had the tools and education to guide him through a dark and anxious time.

He was willing to accept all I had to offer, which was the ability to pick up the phone to call and ask for help.

I didn't have his answers. He didn't know his answers. He needed someone to guide his choices to help him past, through and beyond this point.

As a parent, you just don't know it all. Ever.

Sometimes behaviours mask the underlying issues at hand. Now that I have stepped 20 years and 11 years beyond where my older children were at this very same point, I can see their behaviour was masking a cry for help.

They needed me and I was so busy dealing with the offending behaviours, I didn't truly see what they were battling.

There is a world of people out there dealing with hard things. It is so hard to see beyond the exterior people present to the world. We wear so very many masks. Unfortunately, teenagers quite often mask their confusion, pain and anxiety with actions which distract us from the underlying cause.

Just when I think I have this parenthood thing figured out, someone will go and change the "rules". Thankfully, I get to renew my skills on a daily basis as an up and coming generation continues to test my knowledge and help me grow.

Growing Pains

Here I go again. Rebuilding what I thought was good. Again.

Don't you hate it when you think you've reached the plateau of 'good enough' and someone very quietly suggests .... that it isn't?

Is it that other person's fault? Or is it my own guilt?

Whatever it is, it makes me a small bit angry. Or frustrated. Or incapable. Or was it just Monday??

I didn't even try yesterday. I have tried very, very hard and it wasn't enough. Not enough to please all of the people all of the time. Just. Not. Enough.

I lay my 'work' out on the table. I write. I show. I tell about the intricacies of our days. Maybe I write too much.

So this morning, I wrote a 36 word update about our yesterday (illustrated with six pictures):

It was a very tired kind of Monday. There are so very few words to go with the day...

"We came ..."

"We saw ..."

 "We conquered..."

  "We survived..."

 We did it, guys!

 We got through another Monday!!

I am afraid to say too much. Perhaps, while I am feeling this way, less is just enough.

How often do I do this to another person?? Say something that makes someone feel inadequate and want to give up trying. Because they have done their best. And their best is not enough??

Life is good and life is fair. It is very good that this lesson has been turned back to me. It is uncomfortable, but feeling discomfort is usually the beginning of (yet again) more growth.

There is no such thing as 'reaching the top' and just enjoying the view. There is always something more, something bigger, something more challenging ahead.

And ... just when you think you accomplished the impossible and reached your goal, there is the descent down to earth. Which is harder than the climb up.

I just need to regain my footing and find a different plateau. 

Growing hurts. 

The Formula to Reinvent 'My Best Year'

I am desperately trying to look back on the Formula for Previous Happiness and I cannot help but look back on (what I think is) my best year in recent history.

That year began the in the Summer of 2009 when I put out casual call-out to all relatives when my uncle from Ontario came out for a visit that July.

Two months later ... in September, I went back to school. I was motivated with new ideas, new hope and active & stimulated brain.

I knew where I wanted to go. I was taking an active part in making that happen. I was highly motivated. From where I stood right then, I could see no reason why all would not go according to my plan.

That following February, it was the year that I said "Yes!" to participating in an out-of-province dance competition. I was an active participant in the preparation for the event. It was a dream come true.

The following spring and summer, I put myself out into the world and extended myself and invited people into my life. In April we had an Easter family gathering at our home. In May, I was a part of instigating the beginning of a summer of 'Girls Night Out' gatherings. In July, I opened my home to a pot luck at the dance studio...

One year later ... September, 2010 was to be the beginning of the end. I was fully invested in a new job that didn't live up to its expectations. I immersed myself into the world of Zumba and physical fitness ... to have my feet give out on me first. Lack of motivation gave out next. I never did regain that motivation.

Summer 2009 - Fall 2010. It was the year that anything seemed possible. I believed in myself. I reinforced that belief by educating my mind and flexed my brain muscle. I felt good enough about myself to open myself to friendships, family and gatherings of all kinds. My door was open and I invited the world in ...

I was not afraid of rejection or failure or the limitations of my budget, body or mind. I believed that anything was possible. And it was. For that magical year ...

How do I find that place again? Or can I?

We cannot relive the past. But we can take what worked and bring it forward. It is time for me to figure out the parts of that formula that worked for me.

Taking Care of Business

I was asked if I have a pamphlet for my daycare ... so my blogging time yesterday morning was spent fine tuning my newest promotional item. And voila! I have a brochure to add to my arsenal of hand-outs to promote my new daycare business.

Then there is the Excel spreadsheet that I created to keep track of income and expenses. I wish that I had utilized this handy tool for my previous daycare years. But I wasn't as wise to the benefits of Microsoft Office back then.

This Excel sheet is a godsend as I try to figure out a fair and equitable flat rate for varying schedules and rates. In the past, I have spent hours figuring, checking and rechecking my numbers as I try to figure out a fair-for-all rate of pay. Excel has given me the power to change one number and all of the calculations are automatic!

I haven't started a newsletter yet but you can be sure that my newsletter experience from the school will be brought into my new world.

As I develop various tools to take care of business, I am seeing the value of my schooling. I am bringing Microsoft Office into my daycare world. Microsoft Word is helping me create professional business cards, posters, pamphlets, start-up literature, contact lists and newsletters. Excel is helping me manage the financial end of things.

The ability to utilize what I have learned in my new world fulfills my need to work my brain. Working with numbers and the business end of running a daycare has always come easy to me. I thank my math skills and years of banking and bookkeeping experience for that. Creating documents, advertising and literature to promote my business fulfills my need to add my signature touch to the world we are creating here.

After spending a week communicating at the level of a one and a two year old, my brain welcomes the challenge.

Next week's challenge? Consistency and calmness must reign as I teach my new little ones the importance of treating others the way you want to be treated (translation - don't grab toys from someone just because they have them). Routines will teach my one-year-old that nap time is a very good time. Going to sleep happy means waking up happy.

Will my year of working at the school help me overcome the challenges that I see before me? I believe it will. If I start talking/thinking and writing at the level of the children I care for, I will sound the alarms and bring myself back into the adult world by remembering all that I learned last year.

I am grateful for all that I have learned throughout my hiatus from full-time daycare, as I find myself bringing all that I have learned into my new world ... as I take care of the business at hand.

This Old Dog is Tired of Learning New Tricks

Yesterday was Day #1 at my latest New Job.

I had to laugh at the comment my about-my-age-coworker made when I walked in. She said, "I was told that a New Girl was starting today ... but this is better! You are not a girl!"

Yes, I am a ripe old prune. I have been around the block. I am grounded and chances of me sticking it out are fair to good.

She showed me around during my four hour shift. As long as someone is guiding me, I can do anything that I am told. But this won't last for long. If I remember correctly, I think I have a total of eight hours training and then I'm on my own.

No, it is not rocket science. But yes, people are depending on you to carry your share of the work load so that the next shift is not running behind the eight ball.

Can I learn this stuff? Yes. Am I tired of learning new stuff? Yes. Is this a good workout for my tired brain? Probably.

I worked seven hours at Job #1 yesterday. I messed up a day-end task at the very end of the day and got out of work about 15 minutes late. That ate up half of the half-hour leeway that I had between Job #1 and Job #2. So I went straight to my new job and worked for four more hours.

I'm tired this morning. I must go to my Fairly New Half-Time Job and put together the newsletter today. I must remain calm and grounded. I must quit putting myself down. I must quit wanting and expecting to know it all. I just want to download all of the information that I need to know into my brain and know it.

This too, shall pass. Until my next new position ...

“Let us rise up and be thankful,

for if we didn't learn a lot today,

at least we learned a little,

and if we didn't learn a little,

at least we didn't get sick,

and if we got sick,

at least we didn't die;

so, let us all be thankful.”

~ Buddha quote

Inspired

I love where I work. One of the benefits of my job as a substitute secretary for the schools is that I get to work in a vast number of schools across the city.

I am in awe of the teachers, principals, EA's (Educational Assistants), counsellors, caretakers and the vast population of the school system that makes everything work.

I work in the office so I see, hear and feel only a small portion of what transpires in a day but it makes an impact.

I hear teachers working together with everyone on their team. I hear administrators (principals, vice principals) encouraging, listening and available to staff and students alike. It feels like a family working together for the sake of their children. Doing the best that they can within the confines of a school day.

I hear calmness in their voices despite what is happening around them. I feel 'the love' as they talk, counsel and listen to the children. I see how excited the kids are as they start their day and can't wait to tell their school family what is new in their world.

No ... it isn't a perfect world. But it isn't for lack of effort. I wish that these kids knew how much goes on behind the scenes. Do the parents and students realize how hard their family at school is working to find the best solutions for them as they makes every attempt to make the educational experience a positive one?

It takes quite a team to make everything work. I am so grateful for the opportunity to sit back and absorb the wonder of what it takes to get through a day in the life of these leaders.

A day at school is so much more than the academics of learning. I am grateful for each day that I get to go to work and learn. I am inspired.

Don't Stop

This past fall, I was seriously worried about the state of my brain's well being.

Granted, I was in the middle of some pretty intense transitional job stress at the time ... but when I sat down and wrote exactly what concerned me my symptoms were not new. I could look back and see that my brain-power had been slowly but surely slowing down over a substantial time span.

I was not only confused about what month we were in ... but the season. At one point I almost called someone who issued me a cheque. I was certain that they had accidentally dated it August 2nd when it should have been February 8th. I thought long and hard about it. Walked away and came back to it. I was at the point where I was beginning to look up the phone number that I would have to call to have the cheque reissued, when I all of a sudden realized that it was actually August. Not February.

My ability to speak coherently was faltering. I was coming out completely wrong and inappropriate words. I preferred writing over speaking because I had time to collect the proper vocabulary before communicating it.

I was getting to the point where I was irritating friends and family with my forgetfulness. Verbal conversations were hard for me to recall; I found that I was beginning to rely on the ability to reread an email to assist my memory. There was one entire conversation that left my consciousness for a spell. It did come back, but I needed to quite literally pry it out of the recesses of my mind.

I was taking classes and finding it harder to keep up with the class &/or retain the information that I just learned in order to write an exam.

My brain-to-hand/body messages were becoming very sluggish. I was dropping things. I found myself standing still and 'tipping over'.

I was losing my ability to multi-task. I couldn't keep two concurrent instructions in my head at one time.

I was overwhelmed by input and my inability to keep up. To say that I was scared is a little bit of an understatement.

I was overwhelmed with new-job-stresses. I was in a state of inner panic and turmoil. I was sobbing uncontrollably at inopportune moments. It was not a good place to be.

I had no choice but to continue to forge ahead and keep moving in a forward direction. I needed a job and I had to bulldoze my way through all of this. Thankfully, that worked for me.

Fast forward to today.

I am not only surviving at my present job ... I am starting to show signs of thriving.

I have not only retained that which I have been taught, but I have relearned the art of thinking on my feet. The wider a person's knowledge base is, the easier it is to look beyond the obvious and see a solution.

Tunnel vision and learning a brand new job are synonymous in my mind. You do truly have to zero in on what you have just learned  to try and make your way through a new situation.

You can't have an overwhelming amount of new information tossed at you at one time. You need to start with the basics and layer new data onto what you have learned. The layering effect enhances what you have just learned and adds to that. When you are doing a job that you could do in your sleep, you sometimes forget how long it took you to get to that point.

The more you know, the more you can do on auto pilot ... leaving your mind open to the ability to multi task. You not only gain the ability to layer new information, but additional tasks onto that which you are beginning to do automatically.

When your brain starts working at full speed, it starts to feel like a well oiled machine. Parts that had been inactive start firing back to life.

I have found the words that I need are now usually on the tip of my tongue. I amaze myself with my (returned) co-ordination. The neurons firing within my brain allowing me the ability to think on my feet also seem to have heightened my reflexes. I still drop things ... but man! You should see the way I'm catching them before they hit the ground!

My recall is back to where I expect it to be. If I am not mistaken, I believe my son even commented on how this has improved.

In retrospect I can see that not fully utilizing my brain for an ongoing period had hampered my ability to jump into new situations and survive. Dare I add the fact that I am also not getting any younger into that equation?

I am fortunate. My brain needed to be dusted off, exercised and lubricated a bit before it was ready to kick back into action.

What if ...

What if this had been a degenerative issue where it wasn't as simple as that? What if my ability to recall and remember was cumulative and it became progressively worse over a long period of time? What if my ability to learn was seriously impaired? What if the messages that my brain sent to my body got slower and did not recover with use?

I am grateful for a situation which brought this to light. What if ... I had continued to go down a path where I under-used my brain and my body to a state where it couldn't be revived so easily?

Don't stop learning. Don't stop moving. Don't stop ... you just never know how easy it may be to re-start again. That may not be the end all answer for a degenerative condition ... but it certainly can't hurt to keep one's brain and body active. Learning, moving, 'doing' and being around people enhances your life. Just keep moving ...

Where Would I Be Without Google?

Apparently, I am a master of wasting time. The lack of a television set in the living room hasn't changed a thing.

I now fritter away endless hours at the computer instead of the TV. The difference between then (TV addiction) and now (computer addiction)? I stay awake. And I utilize more of my brain.

Any time I have an unanswered question, I google it. As I was googling one of about a million queries lately, I stopped for a millisecond and wondered 'what would I do if I didn't have a computer?'

I would become my mother. I am almost sure of it.

Mom has always had reference books in the house. I was very young when she got her first set of World Book encyclopedias and also a set of Childcraft (which undoubtedly played a part in my instinct to refer to reference materials when in question). Decades later, Mom still refers to her encyclopedias to find an answer that she is looking for.

I have never in my life met a person that quite literally wears out dictionaries. Mom does.

Atlases, school readers from when she was a child, history books from each of the small towns that were in the farming community where she grew up and lived half of her life, biographies, books on the royal family ... these are what you will find predominately in Mom's library.

 Mom has a thirst for knowledge that is never quite satisfied. She enjoys being around people who have a 'quiet' intelligence. If she had grown up with the opportunities that we have these days, I cannot begin to imagine what she would have done with her quest to learn.

There is one reference book that she doesn't have. It is the one that has the lyrics to all of the songs that she remembers. We have chatted on the phone at times when she was be talking about a verse she couldn't quite recall. I googled it as she spoke and she was (initially) quite amazed at this arsenal of information at my fingertips. Since that time (and it makes me smile each and every time I hear Mom's voice utter the words), she has phoned on occasion and asked, "Can you google _________ for me?"

As my curiosity is quickly satisfied by my ability to google anything and everything ... I cannot help but wonder what reference books I would surround myself in, if it were not for the convenience of the Internet.

We are a very fortunate generation. The one thing that frightens me is what do we retain, when we have so much ... so readily available? Will my brain go lazy because I know that I can find the answer quicker than I could try and recall an answer I already know? 

Thankfully, I live with a few of those from the Google Generation (and the History Channel; the Learning Channel; and a wide variety of other educational television channels), and I am amazed and astounded by the retained knowledge of those following in my footsteps.

Television and the Internet are often given a bad rap. There is a lot of garbage out there. But the potential to learn, expand and satisfy the quest to learn is at our fingertips. "Seek and ye shall find."

I'm Doing It!

My 'Zumba Family' experiences continue to grow ...

Monday night is my two hour Zumba-fest of the week. Our instructor is second to none in every regard - she has it 'all'. She inspires, she 'does', she is young, vital and fun. She has many loyal students, but I am new to the fold.

I'm getting to know a few of the other ladies a little bit. It's easy to talk to people when you share the Zumba-passion. Bit by bit, you get to know a tiny little bit about the people that share the energy in the room.

After I mentioned that I had been studying, I was asked what course I was taking. And we were off and running. Talking about my aspiration to become a certified Group Fitness Instructor has been the catalyst of many conversations of late. I am always a tad apprehensive to tell people what I'm doing. I'm 50 years old. I have not been a fitness guru my whole life. Who do I think I am??? ... is the question that keeps coming to mind when I admit my goals to someone new.

These ladies that I talked to last night were beyond supportive. "I have wanted to do that for the last 10 years, but I never did" .... "It's inspirational to others to see someone who is 'not 25' (years old) leading a class"...

I continue to qualify my hopes, dreams and goals with the statement that "no matter where things go from here ... this is all good information to learn" and "I just keep taking one step at a time and I will see where this takes me". I continue to receive support and encouragement from those I talk to.

What has pushed me into this place that I have found myself? My son, whose words continue to resonate in my mind to this day. "Don't just say you are going to do something. Do it!!"

I'm doing it. Today's exam will take me to the 3/5 portion of things-to-do-to-become-certified. All I have to do is pass.

Zumba has propelled me in a brand new direction. I keep taking forward steps. I have a feeling that I am forging a brand new path that will take me places that I had never dreamed.

If the end result is simply that I have a healthier heart and body ... I will have succeeded.

Scorecard for the Week

I have just received my "Certificate of Completion" for the open book exam that I completed two weeks ago.

Yes. Complete. I did it! I really did it!!

I have a few more hurdles to overcome this week. But so far, I am one for one.

This week is going to be better than I originally anticipated. If I passed that exam ... I can do anything!!!

Like a Sponge

Yes ... I'm still writing about studying.

No ... I'm not saying that I'm taking in all of this knowledge like a sponge.

What I am saying ... is that like a sponge, I can only absorb so much before I hit a saturation point and all that is added beyond that point runs through my brain the way water runs through a fully saturated sponge.

So ... I walk away and create diversions for myself. I take time to try and process what I'm learning so that when I 'wring out' the excess, I come back with room to take in a little more.

Today is "The Day Before the Exam". I have a finite amount of hours left. I have only so much room in my brain.

I will continue to read, write, study, process, walk away and return to repeat that process. I have 29 hours.

Hopefully this brain of mine will have absorbed enough information so that I don't have to repeat the process of writing the exam as well.

Learning is good. Learning is a challenge that is positive. Deadlines create the need to settle in and work at something until it is done to the best of your ability. Exams test 'all of the above'.

I don't love exams. But they are a necessary part of the process ...

Tomorrow afternoon, I hope to take this saturated brain (aka: sponge) of mine and go 'clean up' that exam.

Here's hoping!

Back to Basics

I have spent the past two days studying for my upcoming exam. Day #1 was not pretty. Day #2 was great!

What was the difference? Day #1, I was geared up to work. It was Friday - a work day. I had completed the job that I had been given and I was ready for more. When I got a call at 7:50 that morning to tell me that no work was forthcoming, I immediately deemed it a study day instead.

That's when it all started going downhill.

I was not mentally prepared to sit down and study on Friday. I was completely and totally overwhelmed. I was back at Chapter 1, with a two week deadline and I felt like I knew less than nothing.

Exhaustion hit me like a tidal wave. I refused to give into it. I did everything that I could think of to stay awake. Which means - I ate. All day. If I kept my mouth chewing on something, my eyes would remain open. When I stopped eating, my body started swooning with fatigue.

I fought until 4:00 that afternoon, then I surrendered to the exhaustion that was overtaking me. And I slept. I woke up to have supper and was back in bed by 9:00. Tomorrow is another day was my last conscious thought of the day.

Yesterday I woke up before 5:00. I was psyched and ready for the day. I was going to hit the books with a vengeance and wade through until I got to the other side. And I did.

I was sidetracked by many things. But I kept going back to the books. I was on a mission.

Work was dropped off yesterday morning. I checked to ensure that it could take a back seat to my studies. It takes energy to gear myself up to study. I can push myself through work. I didn't want to waste my ambition on something I can (almost) do with my eyes closed. The work can wait. The studying must prevail.

Eventually, I finally started to absorb the knowledge from those vital first chapters. The chapters on which the rest of this course is based. The words finally stopped sounding Greek to me by yesterday afternoon. As I took the chapter end quizzes, I was easily passing them. By Jove, I think I've got it!! were my thoughts of victory last night.

Friday, I consumed food merely for the sake of chewing to stay awake. Yesterday, I was craving brain food. Real nourishment. I had eggs for breakfast; tuna-on-a-bun for lunch; sloppy Joe's and salad for supper (okay, okay ... and two chocolate bars and a can of Pringles ... but only after I ate a healthy meal).

Yesterday, I was prepared to take on the day. Friday, I wasn't.

Yesterday, I won the battle. I feel like I can do this!

I am fueled with the power of overcoming the feelings of being overwhelmed. I am trying to absorb a daunting amount of new information and succeeding.

Feeding your brain new information is an intoxicating feeling (once it starts to sink in). It is this sensation that I became addicted to when I returned to school last year. I feel like the little robot in "Short Circuit" who is needs input ... more input.

Now that my brain is open and receptive to learning, I am excited.

This didn't happen by fast-tracking myself to the end of the book. It occured only after I went back to the basics and learned what I needed to know. Once you learn the basics, anything is possible.

Life 101 - An Ongoing Learning Experience

The past few days, I have been working on one of the hardest exams that I have ever encountered. It is an open book exam. One would think that it would be easy. I'm not finding that is the case (at least for me).

This course is very reminiscent of a mutual fund correspondence class that I took 18 years ago. Everything was 'Greek' to me the first time through. It was 95% new material to me. I felt overwhelmed with new terminology, phrases and adages. To get through the book was a major accomplishment. It was only when I sat down to study for the exam that all the parts and pieces started to come together. After I started working with mutual funds on a regular basis, I realized how elementary that initial course actually was.

I was (still am) hoping that would be the case with this course. The unfortunate part is, that I got to the end of the book without absorbing the basics in the first chapters. And I am lost.

This course was designed in a fashion where it gave you what you needed to progress, in an orderly fashion. The chapters were far more interesting as I went along, but what I am discovering is that because I never did fully understand and acquire a working knowledge of the basic information at the beginning of the book ... I am feeling overwhelmed.

I am grateful (in an ungrateful sort of way) that the open book exam is forcing me back to those chapters that I didn't understand. I must learn and understand the basics before I can move on.

Life is like that.

We are provided with lessons each and every day of our lives. There are times where it feels like we are faced with the same problem, with new faces and circumstances over and over again.

I have relived my past more times than I care to admit. Because I didn't learn the 'basics' I needed from those chapters in my life the first time, I had to go back time and time again until I learned what I needed to know. But that wasn't enough. Once you learn what you need to know, you are armed with the knowledge to take on the next chapter of your life. It doesn't end.

I talked with a friend yesterday. Her 16 year old son has 'become his father'. His father moved out when he was no more than two years old. Yet his actions, reactions, personality and even his words echo the father that he never knew.

My friend is face to face with a lesson that she was handed 16 years ago. It is no easy feat and the lesson is still in progress, but she's not running. She has been given an opportunity to take what she learned so that she can walk through this with her son.

She's confronting this challenge and defying it to change the world that she has created ... the person that she has become. She is being tested.

The basics. We are given information and circumstances to test what we have learned every day of our life.

I have completed 76% of the exam that sits before me. Today is the day that I plan to learn what I need to know before I can carry on. Because I will be tested.

This course is a requirement before I take the next course in a series. There will be a closed book exam on all of this information. After that? I will be free to take this knowledge and put it to use in 'real life'.

Real life ... where the lessons never end. Where we build on what we have learned ... so that we can continue to grow.