Excuses, Brain Fog and Gratitude

Writing must be done before the rest of the world creeps into the day. Honestly, I think the biggest barrier between me and my place here in the land of writing out loud, is the fact that I stopped waking up early enough to carve out time alone in the morning.

I wake up, turn on the TV, fall back to sleep and get out of bed at least a half hour later than I could have if I would have simply put my feet on the floor instead of hitting the power button on the remote control.

I have turned to puzzles in an effort to wake up my sluggish brain. Two cups of coffee and a raft of word puzzles, added to my new addiction to Suduko eats up the next hour.

I'm worried about my brain. It is lethargic, foggy and isn't remembering as much as it used to.

I've stopped noticing things. Am I the only person who can walk across a parking lot, enter a building and the moment someone asks what the weather is like, reply "Hmmm, I didn't really notice"?

It takes energy to remember the day, the date, the month and the season. Is this because I'm working in the bookkeeping business and always working in the "last fiscal year" or balancing to a date in the past? I hope so.

I'm living in my own head so much that I forget to peek out of myself and notice the world around me. I have conversations with people and don't ask them about what is going on in their life. Then when I do, I forget to remember what they said.

I start one thing, get distracted and think of three other things I should be doing. At the end of a day I truly wonder what I have accomplished. I am just now remembering what I forgot to do two days ago.

This brain fog is concerning to me and as a result of that, I signed up to take a course on dementia. The upside of that, is that I am doing well on the assignments/exams to date. So while I'm learning about the possibility of the fact that there could be some grey matter in my brain that could be dying off, I am relieved to know I am still capable of learning and repeating some of what is new to me.

The brain is complicated and frightening when you really think about it. For that matter, so is one's entire body. When you think about the way each organ within our body depends on the others, it is truly a miracle we wake up each morning. When you think of the many functions our brain has, it is should not be a surprise that some of those excess thoughts get lost in the busyness of living a day.

When you think about anything too hard, it is amazing how smoothly things run. Even when things are not running smoothly.

The body's ability to heal, to overcome, to compensate and do what we ask it to do day after day, year after year, decade after decade is nothing short of miraculous. We are walking miracles! It is better to wake up with that thought in mind, than it is to turn on the TV which tends to turn off my brain.

Waking up each morning should feel like a gift. A celebration. Creating a life you are grateful to be living is another thing. I've been working on that. I've been working on that a lot.

Life has been busy. I feel like I'm wearing out my brain. The neurons may not be firing as quickly as they once did but I'm grateful they are doing as well as they are.

I have been given the gift of (most of) a day off. It is up to me to make the most of what I've been given. Shall I study for the exam I have scheduled for next week? Should I sign up for another course to keep exercising my brain? Should I spend the day running a few errands? Or taking a "cat day" just to sit back, watch the birds and all of the dust particles wafting around in the air?

Maybe I'll do a little bit of everything, maybe I won't. This day is a gift. This body that carries me around from "A" to "B" and back again, day after day is pretty amazing. My brain is a little tired though. Maybe I'll give my brain a "cat day" and spur my body into action so I can get out of my head and enjoy the day.

May you make the best of what today brings you. Take time to look up and out of your regularly scheduled life to enjoy the moment and find gratitude in the little things. This is the email which found its way to me this week:

Photo compliments of my GratiTuesday email from Project Happiness

Take one dose of gratitude and I hope to see you in the morning!

A Little Bit of Knowledge is a Dangerous Thing

A little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Thank goodness the one thing education-after-high-school taught me was that the more I learn, the more I realize there is SO much more I do not know. Thus, I (think I) know when it is time to call an expert.

I am trying to help Mom out with some "land stuff". The details are tedious and boring but one fact of the matter is that I am dealing with stuff that could trigger taxes of all kinds. So after consulting with someone I know and trust, who does not know a lot about farm taxation, I thought I would go directly to the source. I called Revenue Canada.

Big mistake. HUGE mistake. If you read no further than this, please learn one thing from the error of my ways. When dealing with taxation, call an accountant who specializes in the field you are questioning. Do NOT call Revenue Canada.

First of all, I was transferred to six different people in six different departments before they answered the question I did NOT ask and eventually told me exactly how to word my original question so I (eventually) ended up in the right department on the seventh try. You need an education in how to speak Revenue Canadaese. It is a language I do not know and the slight bit I thought I knew got me into trouble. Not with Revenue Canada. Revenue Canada and I are just fine. It was the hot mess of confusion left in my wake after that ill fated call that was the trouble.

Looking back, I know I learned a lot of things I will need to know one day. I am very grateful that "day" was now and not at a time when things are a little more emotionally charged and I will not be thinking straight. I am very thankful for the lessons I learned. But I learned them the long and hard way.

Talking with Revenue Canada helped me understand I needed to talk to an expert in the farm accounting field. I consulted my good friend "Google" and came up with information that seemed to be the answer to my questions and I followed where that trail led. Thank goodness I was not in a state where I needed to act immediately.

An agent representing the company I found came to my home after my daycare day was done. You would think that would be ideal. It was not. I was forced to open my door and "talk business" at 7:00 p.m. at night. First off, I am usually in my pajamas by then. My brain waves are slowing down. I am in "sleep mode". Instead, I actually felt I had to clean my house in order to open the door to this stranger who would not answer any of my questions for free. Instead, he led me down his garden path and it sounded like they had all the answers to my questions AND the questions I had not yet thought to ask. BUT they would need (what sounded like) a contract and a two  year commitment. Whoa, Nellie!!

I shut the door at the end of that tortuousness ordeal at 8:30 at night and I felt desperate. When the going gets desperate, the desperate go to bed. And that is exactly what I did. Clarity and answers always find me in the morning. Never at night. I trusted a good night's sleep and a clear brain would tell me what I needed to know. And it did.

A few phone calls to the right people, referred to me by someone I know and trust, directed me exactly where I needed to go. Last night I went there. And it was good.

An "expert in the field" alleviated all of my immediate worries. They clarified the information I was given by who I mistakenly thought of experts prior to all of this. I went to their office, at 6:00. I was back home by 7:00 and in my pajamas, right on schedule.

He answered every question I had. He "has my back" if the going gets tough (or over my head). He put my mind to rest for the first time in weeks.

I am surrounded by people who think I am better than I know I am. These very same people think I am smarter than I actually am too. I am grateful to live in a world where I have to grow to meet the standards people already believe I have. I am very fortunate. The opposite end of this belief system would kill me slowly.

I am even more grateful for the extra bit of education I have taken along my way which taught me what I need to know the most. "The more I learn, the more I realize there is so much more I do not know." A little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing. Unless you take that information and share it with an expert in the field (who preferably comes with a personal reference).

I shall take what I have learned and move forward. Thanks for believing in me, Mom. You have led me where I needed to go.

The Boy Who Stood Alone

The recess bell rang and that was my cue to pack up my little daycare family and head for home.

We took a few minutes to shake the sand out of our shoes first, so recess was in full swing by the time we made our way across the tarmac and out of the school ground.

I noticed a boy leaning against a brick wall in an alcove, out of sight from the rest. The moment I noticed him, I thought of the days my second son attended that same school. He got picked on a lot in those days. When I asked him where the teachers were, he said this happened out of their line of sight.

I saw "my son" standing there when I noticed this boy and I was on high alert to be aware of anyone who may be lurking and just waiting for an opportunity to pick on this boy without being noticed.

No one else was around. This secluded area seemed to be the place this boy went to "endure" recess.

He had a look about him that shouted to me "I feel different", "I don't fit in here". Recess looked very uncomfortable on him.

After we passed him, I kept looking back and checking on him. Was he okay? Did anyone else notice him? Was there anything I should have done?

I was walking with a stroller full of joy. I watch people of all ages and sizes light up like a Christmas tree when my little group of children beckon and wave and say hello. I could have tried to walk a little closer to see if my little people could spread some of their "happy".

I felt like an interloper as we exited the school ground. Adults and children are very wise to be cautious of people who hang around playgrounds. I don't think I looked like a threat to anyone as I made my way home with my three little ones who had just finished playing at the playground. But I still didn't feel it was right to approach this young boy.

I wondered as I walked home. How would my children have handled finding a student who had voluntarily segregated himself from the crowd?

One of the blog authors I read is the mother of two autistic children and one of her biggest concerns is exactly what I saw. "How will they be treated by others in the big, scary world out there?"

Glennon Doyle, from Momastery publishes a letter she wrote to her son at the beginning of each school year "The One Letter to Read Before Sending Your Child to School"

I am grateful for eyes that have been opened enough to see what was invisible to me before. As I looked up the "One Letter to Read..." and started to reread it, suddenly I "knew" what to do.

I printed off the letter and I will stop by at the school today and tell them this little story of what I saw at recess yesterday. I will give them a copy of Glennon's letter and hope that it falls in good hands.

I know the schools are doing all they can, with the limited resources they have. The one resource they do have is their student body. One student can make all the difference in the world to one scared and lonely child.

If schools taught nothing more than compassion for those we do not understand, our world could become just a little bit of a better place.

Last First Days

Today is the "last" first day of school for my youngest son.

I've never thought to acknowledge the last of the firsts before. My niece tagged me in a Facebook update (she is making my "breakfast special" for her family this morning), as she marked this first day of school for her family of three.

As she acknowledged what this school year was, for each of her children, she mentioned her oldest daughter's "last first day" of school. She even had a picture of her oldest daughter on her first day of school to illustrate how far she has grown.

Have I been at this parenting gig too long? I never thought to celebrate this particular day. I remember the pit in my stomach as I started each brand new school year and I have quietly celebrated the years when my own children didn't appear to inherit that gene.

I am feeling a lot of trepidation about this upcoming year.

My son is a high achiever and he burned himself out last year. He dropped a mandatory course rather than produce a mark that was anything less than he has come to expect of himself. He tried taking it through cyber school instead and hit the same wall. He dropped out again.

He tried changing to a different branch of social studies so he wouldn't have to face this demon again. But it didn't pan out.

It is on his semester one schedule. It is his new reality.

We talked a little bit about this yesterday and he said he knows he just has to power through it and get the job done. By the end of January, it will all be history (literally - it is a Grade 11 history class which has become his nemesis).

At the beginning of his second semester most of the "hard stuff" will be behind him. He will have an English class and a Native studies class, but the rest of that semester is filled with all of his electives.

He just has to push through the next five months.

He knows what he is up against this time. It sounds like he has given himself a pep talk and is going to defy all odds and overcome the assignment of the century, which has brought him down twice before.

I enjoyed the lack of stress within our home over the course of the summer holidays. My son revelled in it. No school. No homework. No assignments. No expectations. No schedule. No stress.

He is walking into his last year of public school this morning. By the middle of this year he will be expected to start making decisions about his Life After School.

I don't know how a seventeen year old can be expected to know what the "next best thing" for them is going to be. I thought I was so wise when I was seventeen but it didn't take too many years for me to see how little I knew about me, my life and where I wanted it to go.

I felt my way through life with little thought about my long term goals.

Get married, have children, get a job, have a life which revolved around my family and have a husband standing at my side at the end of it all.

I have reacted to life instead of planning it.

I think being able to react and act on your feet is a commendable skill. I believe this because my second son is a testimony to that fact. He has reinvented himself and his land through hard times and he just keeps standing. Life  hands him blows and he may recoil and keep to himself to garnish his strength for a while, but he pushes through. He does what has to be done to get through and past and beyond the moment he is in. I have learned if I don't crowd him, he finds his own answers. He finds his way. He always finds his way.

For my youngest son, entering his last year of public education, all I can say is just keep pushing through. Once you overcome one hurdle, enjoy the flat landscape while you can because there will be another hurdle around one of those corners ahead.

I hate hurdles but I have come to appreciate and value them (after the fact). They have taught me more than I ever learned within the walls of a school.

School teaches you to use your brain, manage the stress of classes, students and teachers who will one day mimic your future job, co-workers and bosses. School teaches you to show up, be accountable and do your best.

Life teaches you everything else.

Success is fleeting. Enjoy those moments in the sun because if you have achieved that moment, it was probably laced with many failed attempts. And if you haven't failed, you may not have set your sights high enough.

Look towards what you hope to have, hope to achieve and be prepared to fail along the way. There is no such thing as failure. I've read many things. It is the best time to sow seeds of success (Paramahansa Yogananda). It is the opportunity to begin again, this time more intellectually (Henry Ford).

My oldest son found his way to his dream job/wage/standard of living when he was about 27 years old. He has berated himself time and time again for the ten years he lost between graduation and finding his way. There has been little that can be said to alleviate his anguish over those lost years. But I truly believe he needed to find his way in his own time, to ensure his best chance of success.

Every obstacle, every delay, every detour and every fork in the road is necessary for us to feel we have lived the life we were destined to live. Don't live according to someone else's expectations. Follow your own path. Watch, learn, listen and absorb the lessons life will teach you and you will find your way.

Just get through this first semester of this last year, my son. It may feel like you are climbing the face of a mountain at times. Rest, drink plenty of water, breathe deeply and take the next forward step. Just keep moving. One step at a time. You will find your way.

I hope this year is successful in the ways it needs to be. Small victories all along the way will pave the way to crossing the finish line. Don't burn yourself out because there is another marathon ready and waiting for you when you finish this one. Slow and steady.

I keep telling myself this. it has been 37 years since I walked into my Grade 12 year at school. And I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I can't quite believe I'm still hoping for my happily ever after fairy tale ending after all life has taught me. I guess that's why I label myself a dreamer. I never give up. There is still a part of me hoping I have a husband standing beside me at the end of it all.

"We’ll try again and we’ll fail again because that’s what progress looks like. Progress looks like a bunch of failures. And you’re going to have feelings about that because it’s sad, but you cannot fall apart. And then one day, we will succeed and save a person’s life and we will walk on the moon." ~ Meredith Grey, "Grey's Anatomy"

Life Lessons - What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

On August 6, 2009, I wrote this: "Giant Steps"

Oh, how my rose colored glasses saw my future. If only I knew then, what I know now...

A brief synopsis of my life between "then" and "now":

I took a bookkeeping course which I completed in just under a year. It was the best year of my life.

Going to school allowed me the flexibility to continue to take in before and after school children, work part time at a bookkeeping job from home, work my school commitments in and around my life and fill the extra time doing what I most loved to do.

I danced and I lived out my dreams in between all the cracks of my life back then. It was a wonderful and glorious time.

I completed my education and was ready, willing and able to take on my bookkeeping work in a full time capacity.

Long story short? That never really happened. Yes, I was able to continue to work out of my home for a while. That "while" was very good.

I continued to live a life where I filled in the gaps of my non-work-life doing what I most wanted to do. There was "Zumba", "Bellyfit", an Alaskan cruise and I could fit work into the cracks of "life".

Yes, I worked some weekends but when Mom came out for a visit, I was available to do and go places whenever we chose to do so. I was able to run out to Mom's when I needed and wanted to be there.

The pay cheque was not a full time one, and it was a struggle financially. But my work to personal life ratio was in perfect balance. It was still a pretty good place to be.

This could and would not last forever. I needed stability so I went in search of greener (and I mean the greenery that comes from a steady pay cheque) pastures.

Another long story short, you have to deal with a lot of "manure" to attain those green pastures. Many lessons were learned, minus the student loan. The financial struggle became more prevalent and eventually I ended up exactly where I started before this saga began.

I reopened my daycare almost three years ago and six years later, I am finally back on my feet again.

Those "Giant Steps" and that huge leap of faith came with a price tag of approximately $20,000.00 (I could do the math and quote an exact number but I'm running out of time). Add one student loan to a revolving mortgage where I had to borrow to meet expenses and it equals a number very close to that.

I am not only paying the bills again, but I am finally starting to whittle away at the debt I accumulated during my Time of Great Learning.

My bookkeeping education did not pay for itself but it has opened doors for me. Doors that equal a part time income that subsidizes my life and is starting to pay off my debt. Doors that may make all the difference in the world when I segue out of the daycare world some day. Doors that keep my brain from coming foggy and mushy. Doors where I get to "balance to zero" and have black and white answers to everything that comes my way.

I like numbers. They make sense. There is always a black and white answer. I like that about numbers.

Life is messy. There are so very many shades of gray. Answers don't come easily and when life resolves itself it is hard to understand why some things happen the way they do.

I am so very grateful that my hiatus from the daycare world provided me with options which are enhancing my life today and will help me out in the future. It isn't what I expected. But it is exactly what I needed.

I like a life filled with a good balance of "black and white" intermixed with a rainbow of other colors. I am grateful for the complications of "life". I know I need to see beyond balancing to zero.

I sing the lyrics "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" with great gusto. Because these past six years have made me much stronger than I was before all of this unfolded.

The Square Peg

I take care of a little guy who is just finishing up his Kindergarten year at school. He just turned six years old ... but he has such a jaded view of the world would never guess that he is so young.

I found myself describing him as a 'square peg'. He just doesn't seem to fit into our little daycare world. He walks in the door with an attitude that screams "I do not want to be here!" He plunks himself down on the couch and so begins our day.

I don't offer any extra or special attention to cajole him out of his mood. I include him in whatever is going on in our day and talk to him like any of the others. In fact, I rather welcome the conversation that he can bring into our young crowd. It doesn't take long and he accepts his fate and carries on with his day.

We go for a lot of walks. When he first started coming here he thought he may die when we took a short stroll to the mailbox (a few blocks away) and back. We gradually increased the length of our walks to include a stop at McDonald's for lunch (quite a distance from here). He no longer complains about walking.

One day, I was attempting to condition my 1-1/2 year olds to the idea of walking. So we walked to the school (which happens to be the school this little boy attends) at the end of the block. As I mentioned our goal to this little guy he adamantly said, "I do not want to go to the school!" I explained that we were not going inside the school. We had no business in the school and we were not allowed inside unless we had a reason to go inside. Still, "I do not want to go to school!!" was his (louder, more insistent) response.

I told him that we were just going to walk to the school playground and check it out. Maybe we would stop and play for a little while. Maybe we wouldn't. Depending on whether or not it was recess time at the school. "I don't want to go to the park!" I went on to explain that during the summer, we go on lots of adventures to the playgrounds in the neighboring areas. It is a lot of fun (and he had better get used to the idea, is what I was thinking). Still, "I don't want to go to the park!!" was his (louder, more insistent) reply.

We stopped and checked out the playground. The playground had a few areas for my 1-1/2 year old girls but there was a lot more area geared towards older kids. So we just wandered around a little bit and I knew that our stay would be brief. This little Kindergarten Guy hid under a play structure for a little while. Then he started to peek out and show me a few things that he could do at this park. A teacher spotted him and immediately said, "What are you (calling this child by name) doing here??" I smiled and said that he was with me but I couldn't help but wonder about the tone in the teacher's voice. It seemed that there may be a back-story here that I was not aware of.

It wasn't long before we turned around and headed for home. My mission had been accomplished. I wanted my young ones to associate something positive with walking. But I shook my head and wondered about my Kindergarten Guy's reaction to such a mundane little 'adventure'. Usually kids of that age are excited to show you their world and all that they know within it. I didn't know what to make of his negative view of being around his school. I correlated this with his reaction to coming to daycare and just left it at that.

Until this week. We walked a little further and went to the playground at a different school. My little Kindergarten Guy was eager to go and play. As we gathered ourselved up and headed towards home he happily stated, "This was fun!!" I have never ever heard those words from him nor that happy tone of voice since I met him. What baffled me more was when he added, "... because no one knew who I was." Because no one knew him??

Why would a young child of such an innocent age be happy that no one knew him? I could not help but think of the words that I had just used to describe this little boy before my mom met him last week. "A square peg"; "One of these things is not like the other. He just doesn't ... fit".

My mom (who is not a kid-person) took a special interest in this little guy on the day he was here. She likes teaching kids little things and there is only so much room to 'grow' within the under-three-year-old set. So to have this interested young boy eager to listen, learn and talk at such an advanced level? They were both in their glory. At one point Mom told him, "You are sure smart!" His response? "Ya ... my teachers don't know that." How many other people in his world label him and expect him to behave the way he has always behaved?

Children find their way into the school system which is geared towards learning within a classroom setting. Some kids handle this better than others. Some thrive. Some are lost. Some fall between the cracks and somehow find themselves advancing through the grades with little sense of satisfaction (and not fully grasping what is being taught).

I have great empathy for teachers. They are doing the best that they can do within the limitations that they have. There are so many learning and behaviour disorders within a classroom that they simply don't have enough eyes, ears, hands and encouraging words to give each and every individual child exactly what they need. Add to that, all that is going on within a child's home life and family dynamics that creates additional barriers to overcome ... and what can a teacher do when their class is full to capacity?

There is additional help for those that qualify for assistance. Testing must be done. School authorities, rules and regulations must be appeased to get assistance for the students that can display a need. This takes time and co-operation on all parts. There may be times that a parent does not fulfill their role to help the school help themselves. There may be other times that the parent feels they are not getting the assistance they need from the school. There are frustrations on so many levels.

Many of these kids end up in the principal's office because they are disrupting the class. A teacher cannot teach a classroom full of children when one behaviour is demanding all of the attention. I worked in schools across the city and it didn't matter what social class or financial status ... there are scholastic and social challenges in all corners of our little world.

I have three children of my own. Each of them fell into different paths once they entered the world of education.

One of my children lived in a world of fear at home. He struggled at school. He repeated a grade (back in the world where everyone did not receive an automatic 'pass') and a great deal of self esteem was lost. Once our family life was calm, he began to succeed in school.

Another was one that simply fell between the cracks. He did not fall into the category where he needed extra assistance, but he was not grasping all that he needed to succeed in a group setting. He advanced through the grades but never felt the feeling of satisfaction from the school system.

One out of three. One of my children has walked an 'easy' path at school. He has the ability to grasp what he needs to know within a classroom setting and run with it. One out of three...

I look at this little soon-to-be Kindergarten graduate and I wonder how this first year of schooling has impacted him. He doesn't want to show off his school. He doesn't want people to know him. His teachers don't (in his eyes) know how smart he is ...

Yes. He walks through the door with an attitude that begs the world to come to him on his terms. It is not an endearing quality. But I am guilty as charged. I have pinned a label on him myself.

We are all square pegs, if you think about it. Some of us are more 'moldable' than others. Often in our desire to fit in, we round off our corners and make it work. Don't we all want to feel that sense of belonging? To fit in socially is as important (to me) than it is to fit in to the scholastic requirements at school. When I went to school, I felt like a 'square peg' socially. It was important (to me) that my children never feel this way. I often said that I felt it was just as (more??) important to feel that social acceptance than it was to excel at school.

Balance. It is all about balance. And when it comes to children, I feel that they need to feel valued. For who they are and what they can bring into their world. I am working with some flexible and impressionable young minds here. It is my job to value each person for their unique qualities and attempt to bring out their own personal best. Which is as unique as their fingerprint. And may often appear to be a little bit of a square peg.

I still think that a little 'rounding of the corners' goes a long way. To feel unaccepted socially is a lonely place to live. I hope my Kindergarten Guy finds a way to find his own piece of happiness within the school system. For him, it has only just begun ...

High School is Just the Beginning

Grade 9 seems like a bit of a wake up call for young students. Mid term assignments, exams and large projects are all coming to a head at the same time. For those that are struggling I can only imagine how coping strategies must be either hitting a passing or failing grade.

I find myself marvelling at my Youngest Son's desire to give his school work his 'all' this year. Elementary was fairly easy for him and the blasé marks of 'Not Meeting Expectations'; 'Meeting Expectations'; or 'Exceeding Expectations' did not bring out his personal best. The percentage marks that they hand out in high school is something so much more tangible. It has him competing against himself to do the best of his abilities.

His Easter Break was overcast in looming exams and big projects due within a week of returning back to school. He was overwhelmed and somewhat dismayed at the expectations that have been thrown at them this year, "Why even give us a break when we are expected to do so much homework?!" was his lament.

So he puttered away at the-biggest-project-of-them-all (and the first one due upon his return to school) throughout his holiday. All the while, muttering about the expectations in this new world of high school.

He finished that project with a few waking hours to spare on the first-day-back-to-school. The remainder of the week has been consumed with the other projects that are due. Last night was the granddaddy of them all with two projects and three exams all due today.

I am so happy to see his self-induced efforts and expectations. I am not the driving force behind his performance. It is all internal. And truly ... can we as parents really force our children to do as well as we think that they can? Encouragement, rewards, bribes, threats and everything else is a version of placing our expectations on someone else's shoulders. The real world isn't like that. We aren't coddled and cajoled into meeting expectations within a job, a relationship, running a home or simply managing our own life.

I couldn't help but think of the many ways that I can be overwhelmed by deadlines and responsibilities in my own little life, as I was doling out advise as per the 'wisdom I have gained by being an adult'. I realized the many ways that I am lacking the motivation that my young son has at the age of 14 years.

Don't leave big jobs until the last minute. I need that 'last minute' motivation to get big jobs done. A job without a deadline (real or perceived) in my mind is a job that doesn't get done. I could learn from a page in my son's book. Whittle away at the big jobs is better advise. As overwhelming as they are (real or perceived), you get nothing done by doing nothing. A little bit on a daily basis goes a long way when it comes to the final stretch. When the bulk of the work is behind you, it leaves you with the energy to work out the details in the end.

If you get the smaller jobs out of your way, you have more time and energy to put towards the bigger ones. As I watched my son's energy fizzle out as the week progressed, I wondered if he had used up all of his ambition on the 'big project' and had run out of momentum. But last night, as he was in the home stretch, I could see the wisdom in the way he progressed through the week. He prioritized by due dates. A smart move. A person is more motivated when a deadline is looming. It is definitely helpful when you've been placing some energy towards the end goal for some time preceding said deadline. To have to start and finish a project under the gun may produce action. But the results may be less than you could have come up with, if you work slowly and steadily towards the finish line. The moral of the story between the race between the tortoise remains as true today as it did in the decade it was written.

Take advantage of every opportunity to learn as you go. The final exams in life are best written with instilled knowledge that is absorbed and utilized to its fullest capacity along the way. That which is crammed into your brain at the last moment is the first to go. Read, listen, utilize and absorb the world around you to your fullest capacity every day. Review the details before the exam date, but if the knowledge is instilled the details are easier to remember. As my son planned to study for his exams as he progressed throughout the day today, I couldn't help but think that his retained knowledge will get him through the day. Perhaps he could do better if he had studied harder. Then again, many of the projects that were due this week may have been exactly what he needed to digest some of the information he will need for his exams.

High school is only the beginning of a lifetime full of projects and long term expectations. Some come with deadlines. Others don't. We have the ability to hang onto some of those lessons we learn in high school. Perhaps it would be wise for me to take a page from my son's book ...

My only fear? This is only Grade 9. It is bound to get worse. What if he burns out before he graduates? Where do kids find the motivation to keep going, when the going gets tough, tougher and seems never ending. Already, my son is comparing work to school. School does not end at the end of the school day. It seeps into evenings, weekends and holidays. Work? It is starting to sound pretty good to him.

Yet ... with work, comes a life of extra curricular responsibilities and expectations. 'Homework' is just that. You come home from a full-time job to a home full of work to be done. It really doesn't end. It just changes.

High school is just the beginning...

Settling In

We are two days into our fall transformations and now I am looking towards the rest of our tomorrows ...

My Youngest has had two out of two good days into the initiation process at his new high school. The bus ride no longer seems daunting to him, as he met up with a friend at the bus stop and immediately realized that he would not be alone in this. He had his first lunch hour at school "... and boy! Did it seem long!!..." He found a friend to eat with and tagged along with people that he knew afterwards to pass the time. Homework is in the air but the deadlines are in the future ... so far, so good in that respect. His official first day of classes went well.

In my daycare world, Day #2 went well ... but my kids are bored and I do hope that we find some friends for them very soon. It is all good and well to check out the new toys and get the lay of the land in your new day home ... but a day is quite enough of that. Now it is time to bring in some friends!

We made the transitions. The initial days are going well. All is as good as can be expected. But I seem to have my eye on the future now. What will it bring? How can grow through the process and make this the best it can be?

We are settling into our new lives with our eye on the future ...

Trial Runs

It's a very good thing that we took a dry run this morning. Because it didn't work ...

My Youngest starts high school on Tuesday. I won't be able to drive or assist him in any way that involves leaving the house because my official start date for my daycare is the same day. So we decided to try out the bus routes this morning to give him a feel for his new mode of transportation as of next week. And ... we waited at the wrong bus stop. A bus never did arrive.

We came back home and called the bus information line once again and got different instructions. A 'better' route than we were originally given. One bus that will take my son from (almost where) his elementary school was (indirectly) to the front doors of his new high school. It will take him 22 minutes to get from 'A' go 'B'.

Unfortunately, I did not absorb what I was reading when I read his back-to-school information ... so the school was locked and appeared to be (almost) abandoned when we arrived for what we had hoped would be a chance to locate his classrooms and ask a few questions. Whoops.

Upon our arrival back home, my eyes and attention were more focused and we found most of what my son will need to know for his first day at school.

Only the Grade 9's will be registering on Tuesday morning. They will meet in the theatre and there is a half hour presentation before they are on their way. After that, they will meet in their home rooms for 20 minutes (I assume that they will get their schedule, locker assignment and locks at this time). Then they proceed with an abbreviated version of what their day will be when they go back for a full day on Wednesday. They have a '15 minute period' for each one of their classes. Again I assume that this is to give them a chance to find their classrooms, meet their teachers and get a list of required supplies.

I could feel the tension fall from My Son's shoulders as he realized how his first day would unfold. "Only half a day?! And it's not even Thursday! (an early dismissal day)". And only Grade 9's in the school in the morning?! "They are really making this easy for us!" As we discussed what I guessed would be a trial run for them in the safety of their own grade level, we both breathed an audible sigh of relief.

We assembled what we assume he will need to get through his first morning. We got him a binder that zips up and holds all of his stationary items as well as zippered pockets to hold other important things (school I.D. and bus pass perhaps?).

The bus ride will be a breeze "I can use that time to finish up homework if I need to ..." (I hope he isn't cutting it that close but I quietly thought to myself that it would be a good time to review before a test). One bus. No transfers.

His first day will be as stress free as one could hope for. A half day surrounded by students his own age and grade level. A chance to find his way through the halls of his new school along with his peers.

We have done all that we know how to do to prepare for this transition. If today would have been his first day, he would have been late as we waited for the wrong bus at the wrong stop. It was far better to make that mistake and learn from it today. Who needs the added stress that would bring to a brand new school year?

As My Son said, "Every cloud has a silver lining ..." It seemed that I heard him finding that silver lining at every turn today. Our trial run was a good adventure for us to enjoy on My Son's last official day of summer holidays. It was music to my ears to hear him find the positive every step along the way.

I feel calm as My Son takes these brave new steps into his future. He may feel unnerved by all that is new but underneath is all, he has a good solid foundation to build on. He is going to be okay.

To Award or Not to Award ...

In this world of political correctness and success at all costs, have celebration ceremonies lost their lustre?

The Grade 8 Graduation Ceremony has been genetically altered to a Grade 8 Farewell. Students are acknowledged for 'putting in their time' at elementary school in lieu of graduating.

School is geared for success these days. I agree with the concept. But when students that are struggling with the academics of learning are moved through their education according to their age instead of their abilities ... is this a good thing?

I agree that the social aspect of moving along with your peers is something that bears consideration. But should it be a blanket decision for all students? Shouldn't each student and situation be based on individual needs and what is in the best interest for that student?

I attended my Youngest Son's Grade 8 Farewell ceremony last night. I have done this twice before when my Oldest Sons graduated (yes, they used the word 'graduate' in those days) from the elementary school system and onto high school. Each of these ceremonies struck an emotional chord within me.

Perhaps it was because each of my sons had challenges in their elementary years and due to circumstances beyond their control, they struggled.

My Oldest repeated the second grade and he went through his entire school life saying "I'm in Grade __ ... but I should be in Grade __ (the grade above)". I am certain that he could tell you all of the reasons that it is important (socially) to move along with your peers. But because he repeated a grade that was vital to learning the basics on which the rest of his education was based, he succeeded academically. As a parent, I was quietly relieved ... because he had a one year advantage to better equip him with the peer pressures.

My Middle Son struggled with school but did not fall in the spectrum of any learning ability that was making this a challenge. So my mom subsidized the cost for him to attend an out-of-school, after-school-hours tutorial type of school to assist those who struggled academically. Yes ... my son moved along with his peers. But he struggled to keep up and succeed. Personally, I think that his state of feeling overwhelmed was at the core of some of the phone calls I received from his teacher in elementary. School does not hold a lot of fond memories for him.

Yet ... the Grade 8 Graduation ceremonies for each of them was a memorable occasion. Why? Because each of them were acknowledged for a challenge they overcame (I believe that, in part, is the reason behind the French Award that My Oldest received) and what they were successful at.

The presentation of these awards were preceded with an explanation of what the award was, what qualities they were looking for in the recipient and then before the actual presentation of the award, they described the student's qualities who was receiving the award. I felt the drum roll in my heart. When the award was presented, my heart swelled with joy as their lives passed before my eyes and I saw all that they overcame to achieve this.

My Youngest Son has had an easy go of it so far. Our home life is calm, stable and supportive. He catches on to the academics of school easily. He enjoys sports and has a flair for the arts (especially drama). He is a good citizen at his school. He does small things that make a big difference in his community. That ... is just who he is.

This year, he made a conscious effort to make it a memorable year. He ensured that he was involved in what was important to him. Right from the onset of the school year, he made it his goal to have perfect attendance for the year. He succeeded in his goals.

Last night, I had few expectations but I was hopeful that the ceremony would feel up close and personal. This is the last Grade 8 ceremony that I will attend as a mother. That sentiment alone should have made this a momentous occasion.

But it wasn't.

My number one complaint is that I could barely hear what was being said. The vast majority of the ceremony was in the voice of the students. Unfortunately we couldn't hear a lot of the voices. Half way into the ceremony someone had the bright idea to turn up the volume on the speakers. The other half of the frustration was with the unending voices of the children in the audience. If I have one suggestion for these ceremonies, it would be to strongly encourage a quiet audience. Provide childcare or make a concerted effort to ensure the adults in the audience are able to hear over the small children (this really irks me and I can still feel a residual grudge this morning).

The farewell program (from what I could tell) was thoughtful and highlighted each student equally. As each student went up to accept their certificate, the student preceding them described who they were; their likes & dislikes; their hopes and dreams. It would have been nice to hear all of them ...

Then as (what appeared to be an afterthought) the ceremony was winding up, they had a few awards to hand out. The only word that I heard to describe the first one, was 'proficiency'. Oh. With little fanfare and an unmemorable description of the award, two female students were called up to accept this award. Then there was one more. I thought I heard the word 'Kinsmen' ... that's all I made out before My Son and another boy's name were announced and they went up and touched the award and went back to their seats.

What just happened here???

As the vice principal came up and congratulated My Son after the ceremony, I asked him what the award was for. I was dumbfounded when I heard his (lack of) answer.

He stumbled and fumbled over the words and said words like: overall; community; academically; and a few more words that I have forgotten. He said that the school had made the decision not to have any awards and an organization "Kids Up" (????) approached the school and insisted that they had this award that they wanted to be given. They didn't have the plaques made up in time (they hope they will deliver them before school ends next week), nor did they have a presenter for the award. But they insisted ... so the school obliged. Even though their heart was not in it.

Am I proud of my son for receiving this acknowledgement? I think so. I feel like I should make up words to describe why he received it. But it was an honor to hear that he stood out in a positive way.

What the school decided to do in lieu of awards, was to put stickers on the individual student's certificate to acknowledge the areas in which they were award-worthy. Do I agree that these acknowledgements be made on an individual basis? Definitely. How can you give one award when there are a dozen worthy students? How can you discern the vast differences as to why one student should receive this acknowledgement over another? If one percentage point makes a difference as to who receives an award over another ... it doesn't encompass the individual efforts required. Yes! Acknowledge all students for what they excel at.

But to me, there is one acknowledgement that could and should have been made. Attendance. Yes ... there are a wide and vast array of reasons why some students must miss school. But after a year of being responsible for taking attendance calls and following up on unexcused absences ... I am quite biased in regards to this matter.

Reasons that I have heard for students being absent:

• (s)he's tired
• I can't make her/him go
• they don't have mitts/boots/appropriate clothing
• grandma/cousins/family are in town
• we are going out of town
• family vacation to an exotic (out of country) location
• extra-curricular activities (in the old days, didn't that mean AFTER school?)
• a sibling's tournaments
• they don't have a way to get to school
• I need them at home to help out
• ... and that is just to name a few ...

There are as many or more legitimate reasons. And yes, anything can come up at any time that no one could ever plan for. Life is like that. But when parents don't make attendance a priority in their own life ... what kind of example are they setting?

That is why I think that there is one award that is politically correct to acknowledge. Attendance. Even my mom received the Perfect Attendance award for every (?) year she bowled. Why not at school?

My Son told me that they were told at the beginning of the year, that they would come up with a special acknowledgement for those that had perfect attendance for the year. My son was inspired by another student who had perfect attendance for four years. He made up his mind and achieved his goal. What was the special acknowledgement?? Pizza lunch. Oh.

Well, my son ... this is real life. You must set your own sights and standards high. Reach for the stars and believe anything is possible. You will find your rewards as you go along ... but most of them will come from doing your personal best and giving yourself credit where credit is due. Be kind to yourself and acknowledge every small victory.

The reality is that awards aren't given out for life successes. That is why it is so important to acknowledge the little things that people do when ever you have an opportunity. We all need a little encouragement from time to time.

Eighty percent of success of success is just showing up.

~Woody Allen

A Look in the Rear View Mirror

Yesterday, I had an opportunity to (literally) see how far I've come these past two years ...

Two years ago, I wrote this post: Return to the 9 to 5 . I was so close to the end of my schooling that I could almost reach out and touch it. My future ... and what I thought it would be.

Did I have a clue of the reality that I would soon be living? Not an iota. But I had my education, my diploma, a brain full of freshly learned knowledge and I was on my way!

A diploma does not guarantee success. My goals took a detour but I was still fueled by the knowledge that I had taken and succeeded in learning all about the Microsoft Office applications. I had the education. I was armed and ready for my future. Whatever that may be.

Yesterday, I met a lady who was just completing her work practicum for an Admin Assistant course. She was working within Microsoft Word and was stuck when some formatting issues prevented her from completing a simple task. She was so disappointed in herself because "... I should know this! I just completed a course all about this ..."

For the first time in two years, I was the one with some answers. I reassured her that all that she has recently learned has given her the tools to really begin to put this textbook knowledge to practical use. I assured her that she will learn far more as she goes along. We talked about trial and error ... and the beauty of the 'Undo' button and the ability to save a document and try whatever we think may work ... and not losing all of the work we had already done.

We are both 'mature' students of life. Both of us are stepping into a brand new world that we are not entirely familiar with. She talked of the steep learning curve that she felt when she returned to school. I warned her that there is another steep learning curve ahead of her when she starts her next job.

An education doesn't give you all of the answers. It opens doors and gives you new opportunities to learn. The learning does not end once you have that diploma in hand. If you are lucky, the learning never ceases. Your ability to learn as you go, think on your feet and trust that you have the tools to take you where ever you dream is just the beginning.

I hope that this lady has the same zest and enthusiasm that I felt when I wrote that blog post two years ago. I hope that she can weather the winding road ahead. I hope that she doesn't encounter as many twists and turns as I did. But if she does ... I hope that she remembers the small victories that I talked about as I gave her the Reader's Digest version of my life-after-my-education.

I looked at this lady and saw myself. I saw how far I have come over the past two years. I still don't have all of the answers, a secure future or even a full time job. But these past few years have taught me things that you can only learn by living the dream and giving it your best shot.

It was like looking in a rear view mirror. Now that I've had a time to appreciate and reflect on my most recent round of 'education', I am ready to look ahead and keep following this road ...

Making a Difference ... Making Memories

In two months, My Youngest child will graduate from elementary school. The fall will bring a brand new set of challenges in a brand new world.

He has quietly made a difference this past year ...

His goal was to have perfect attendance for his 8th year of school. One of his classmates has had perfect attendance since Grade 4. My Youngest decided to make this year his year of perfect attendance. And (to date) he has.

In December, he wanted to buy a 'Candygram' (a fundraiser for his school) for everyone in his class. It was simply something he wanted to do because this would be his last opportunity to do so. He paid for the gift out of his own money. Acknowledgement and attention weren't the motivating factors. He simply wanted to surprise his class. And he did.

Last term, he brought home a report card that was hard to beat. I complimented him on his accomplishments, improvements and the comments his teacher made. Our 3-Way conference with the teacher was an easy conversation. He couldn't be heading into high school on a better note.

He has simply been a 'good citizen' throughout his elementary years. We chatted about some of the ways he has been a positive influence for those in his school world. He told me that he tried to be a good role model for our daycare family throughout the years that I babysat. And after that time, it just kind of 'stuck'. It has become second nature to him to treat others with kindness and to be the best he can be.

Today, I am have made arrangements at work so that I can attend his last performance in an elementary school play (a musical "The Jungle Book"). He knew from the onset, that he did not want a singing part. But he wanted to participate and has a speaking role ("Tabaqui" - the jackal). He thoroughly enjoyed acting in the play last year (he was "Prince Charming") and wanted to include this final performance in his list of accomplishments for his graduating year.

He is one person. He has made his way quietly through his years at school. He makes a small difference to a a great number of people. He realizes that this year is one that he won't get back and he is living it in the way that he has set out to do. He is making memories that he will carry with him into the years ahead.

When kids go off to live their life at school, they become unique and separate entities from their family. They make their own way and create their own memories.

My Youngest is wise enough to realize that he is the one who can make this year count. I am fortunate that he shares these little thoughts with me and he has quietly made me realize how important that it is that I am witness to some of the memories that he is making.

Inspired

I love where I work. One of the benefits of my job as a substitute secretary for the schools is that I get to work in a vast number of schools across the city.

I am in awe of the teachers, principals, EA's (Educational Assistants), counsellors, caretakers and the vast population of the school system that makes everything work.

I work in the office so I see, hear and feel only a small portion of what transpires in a day but it makes an impact.

I hear teachers working together with everyone on their team. I hear administrators (principals, vice principals) encouraging, listening and available to staff and students alike. It feels like a family working together for the sake of their children. Doing the best that they can within the confines of a school day.

I hear calmness in their voices despite what is happening around them. I feel 'the love' as they talk, counsel and listen to the children. I see how excited the kids are as they start their day and can't wait to tell their school family what is new in their world.

No ... it isn't a perfect world. But it isn't for lack of effort. I wish that these kids knew how much goes on behind the scenes. Do the parents and students realize how hard their family at school is working to find the best solutions for them as they makes every attempt to make the educational experience a positive one?

It takes quite a team to make everything work. I am so grateful for the opportunity to sit back and absorb the wonder of what it takes to get through a day in the life of these leaders.

A day at school is so much more than the academics of learning. I am grateful for each day that I get to go to work and learn. I am inspired.

High School Dayz

When I walked back into a high school for my first day of classes in 36 years, I found that not a lot has changed.

The first day ... I was anxious, nervous and apprehensive. I was able to keep my emotions from overwhelming me much better than I did at age 14. But they were close to the surface. I consciously inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly to keep those child-like emotions at bay.

Once I was face to face with school-as-I-will-come-to-know-it, I have been unable to mask my fear. It has been in my voice, my body language and in the entirety of my being. I have felt like I have surrounded myself in an aura that has been repelling my allies.

Then came the little things ...

School pictures. We lined up and awaited our turn. Sitting on the stool with the mottled background, tilting your head in odd contortions and smiling. I felt like I did when I was a kid.

Then came the scariest moment of all. I was called into the Principal's office.

Oh. My. Gosh. I have never been called into the office. I was having a particularly bad day. I thought 'this is it'.

I did what I always do. I confessed. I admitted my failings. I invited the principal to confer with my supervisor and she would confirm the truth. If he had any preconceived notions of talking to me about my shortcomings, I beat him to the punch.

Instead, he asked me if I enjoyed the position. Was this the right fit for me?

Of course I want to stay! I want to learn this job so well that I could do it in my sleep. I know I have the ability. It is just that there is so much to absorb all at once.

I was told that starting to work at the beginning of a school year was the most challenging time of all. I was reassured. I wasn't in trouble.

Yesterday, I walked home with my school picture proofs in my hand. I have put the first week of school behind me. I felt young again.

As I glanced at my photo, I appreciated my clear skin. I'm back in high school ... without the acne that goes with it.

Last night? I received my final gift. A zit. Front and centre ... on my chin.

High school dayz ... here I come (again)!

It's Good to Be Back

My Youngest was up with his alarm first thing yesterday morning.

He showered, made his lunch, ate breakfast and was pretty pleased to still have over two hours to do as he pleased, before he had to head off to school.

I returned home from work (shortly after his school day ended), to find him and a friend happily playing on the X-box.

He relayed the information about his day with a smile and eagerness to talk. There was a aura of 'it feels good to be back' surrounding him.

Last night, I could hear him readying himself for bed a few minutes sooner than I expected. Our cat heard the tell-tale signs of bed-time and quickly hopped up onto My Youngest's bed, so that he was ready and waiting for His Boy to come and join him.

Yes, even our cat (who meowed up a storm after being abandoned all day) seems to appreciate the old routines are easily falling back into place.

Holidays are nice. But what would we compare them to, if every day was a holiday? Routines, schedules, expectations, friends and school. It is good to be back!

First Day of School

My Youngest will register himself for school this morning. By himself. He is in Grade 8 and I have gone with him every single year. Until now.

I was fortunate to find a way to afford to stay home and raise My Youngest. We have walked a lot of roads together. Thanks to my daycare days, we experienced a lot elementary school issues within the safety of our home before he was face-to-face with them at school.

He has been easy to raise. His behaviour has not caused me any great concern. He does well at school. He gets along with his peers. He is a very even tempered guy. Always has been. We have gone through 13 years together and had very few challenges (toilet training was the biggest issue that I can recall).

Now here he is. Thirteen and on his own to face a brand new school year.

I am beyond relieved that this is happening this year - not next. Next year is a whole new ball of wax. High school.

Is it a fortunate twist of fate that I get to experience working in a high school the year before My Youngest faces this new world? What will I see and experience that will help him find his way next year?

Even as My Youngest starts facing the world on his own, I have found myself in a position to test the waters for the years ahead. I cannot walk him through those years but I can fortify myself with knowledge that may make a difference.

I am much more frightened of this first than My Youngest is. I have been consciously been reminding myself to simply breathe. All weekend. One moment at a time. One person at a time. One task at a time. I will get through this day and those that follow.

This morning, My Youngest will register himself for his last year in elementary school. This morning, I will face my first day of registration in high school.

School is back. Life-as-I-know-it is changing.

The Pressure is Off!

It's Tuesday. The week's scorecard is tallying up nicely. I'm 2 for 2.

Yessiree!! I earned a passing grade on my closed book exam.

I can close those books and tuck them away in a closet. That has always been cause for celebration in my world. The clearing off of the kitchen table after an intense study period (just in time to work on the statements which I need/want to complete before the day is through).

The pressure is easing. All of a sudden the rest of the week doesn't seem as daunting as it did at the onset.

Time will tell. But I'm aiming for at least a 4 out of 5 day success rate. I'll leave room for error ... but strive for perfection. It's been working for me so far...

Scorecard for the Week

I have just received my "Certificate of Completion" for the open book exam that I completed two weeks ago.

Yes. Complete. I did it! I really did it!!

I have a few more hurdles to overcome this week. But so far, I am one for one.

This week is going to be better than I originally anticipated. If I passed that exam ... I can do anything!!!

Depleted

My completed exam is in the mail. Done. Complete. Over. For now.

If I manage to pass all six sections of the exam with a mark of 80% or higher ... that portion of my studies will be behind me. But there is more ...

Sometimes you hear what you want to hear and read what you want to read.

I thought I read that the exam would be marked within three days and results would be forwarded quickly there after. I was wrong. It will be marked within three weeks. Thus, I have not allowed myself much (any) leeway. Oops.

I thought that the closed book portion of this exam could be written after I complete the rest of the requirements. Wrong again. It must be written and a passing mark of (you guessed it) 80% is mandatory before I can move forward (and take the course that I have already bought and paid for).

I have given myself two weeks to study. I have ten days leeway to rewrite it if I do not succeed the first try. My self imposed deadline is March 11th. That is the date that I have signed up to take another course which is the fourth step of this process.

The good news is that this is propelling me quickly towards my end goal. The bad news is that I don't get to celebrate with glee as I tentatively move forward.

I must immediately start studying for an intensive, closed book exam. I await my marks for the open book portion of the exam. There will be another wait after I complete the second exam. Which will be 'rewarded' with yet another class. Which will be followed by a practical evaluation.

I thrive on deadlines and pressure. I don't accomplish as much when there isn't a deadline. As stressful as it can be, this is very good for me.

I can see where I want to be six months from now. I am moving toward my goal. I will be elated when I pass each requirement and know that I am prepared for the next step.

The only thing that I have done wrong is not allowed myself enough time. Time to take a breath when one phase is completed to the best of my ability. Time to celebrate my successes. Success is mandatory if I want to get to where I hope to be by March 11th.

My brain is worn out. I put in my two-hour-Zumba-night last night. My body is exhausted. I haven't been eating healthy foods (are chips, chocolate and coffee three of the four food groups??). I haven't budgeted time to breathe and celebrate as I fast track myself in this newest quest to change the course of my life. I am depleted.

So tonight I shall take time. Time to be with friends. Time to eat a home cooked meal. Time to stay home. Time to celebrate. Time to breathe.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will take time today so that by the time tomorrow arrives I will be ready to take on my world.

I Need This to End Now

It's like a bad dream, when you wake up in the middle of the night. Every time you close your eyes, you go straight back into the dream. Until you physically get up, turn on a light (or the computer) and purge the dream from your mind with reality. It doesn't go away.

It's the Open Book Exam of My Nightmares.

Yesterday's goal was to complete the exam and mail it off. At every turn, I found something I was uncertain of. My answers look terribly, terribly wrong. The 'small' job of tweaking the (54) Exercise Examples with the correct terminology became "Oh no!!!! I think I have all of this wrong!"

I went to bed with books in hand. I know for a fact that I should be able to find the correct answers to a few of the questions that have me baffled.

In my quest to find one correct answer, I found the answer to a different question (that I thought I had right).

As I perused the pages of the course workbook, I found four pages of exercise and stretch examples for 34 different muscle groups. Please don't tell me it was that easy! I not only spent two days searching my books and the Internet for exercise examples ... but if what I found last night is correct, I believe I have quite possibly done the largest section of the exam all wrong.

I left my books open to the pages that I must study in the light of a new day. I couldn't bear the thought of climbing out of bed after I was already snug as a bug (and exhausted) last night. I thought to myself "This will all make perfect sense in the morning." And I slept.

I slept - yes. I also dreamt. I had dreams (yes, more than one!!) that I did the Nightmare Section of my exam correctly. I didn't have to erase four pages of exercises. They were okay.

My dreams quickly faded into the blackness of the night when I awoke this morning. I found my books on the floor, opened to where I left them last night and my reality awaits.

I misread the instructions. I thought it said the exam would be marked within three days and returned. The reality is that it will be marked within three weeks and then the results will be sent to me.

I thought that I had oodles of time to send in my exam, have it marked and still have ample time to redo the sections of the exam that I didn't pass (80% for each exam section is the required passing mark). I was wrong.

This is a required course before I take the next one that I have already bought and paid for. I have 25 days to do all that must be done so I can progress forward, as per my plan-of-attack. I will be lucky if I simply get my marks back in time.

I have not even succeeded in reading the instructions correctly!! How can I expect to get 80% in each exam section?!

Breathe.

Plan of attack for today:

• Ignore the phone and incoming emails (I barely completed writing that sentence and the phone rang)
• No time for work today. Only this exam.
• Phone my tutor (why didn't I do this sooner???? .... because I thought I had lots of time!!) 
• Clarify that I have done the Exercise Example section correctly
• Find out if there is any possible way to fast-track the process of marking my exam and results

 Breathe.

Keep taking one forward step at a time. One day can make a huge difference. Just do it! And remember how good it will feel once the challenge has been met and put behind me.

Small, forward steps will take me to where I need to be. Onward!!

And breathe ...