The Brave Rabbit

My aunt's deck faces onto a park-like setting. It is a large green space with flowers, shrubs, trees,  a community garden and raspberry bushes in sight. There is a small ravine-like area nearby and even though the city has grown up around this area, it is a little oasis unto itself.

Rabbits dwell somewhere in the greenery and show themselves regularly. We have no idea how many rabbits actually live in the area. One time five of them hopped into plain sight when the weekly lawn maintenance crew scared them out of their hiding spots, so I believe there are many more than meet the eye.

The rabbits have grown accustomed to their neighbors. The average age within this community may be around 85 years, with a vast majority of the residents walking with the assistance of a walker. It's a quiet, slow moving, nature loving group. If I was a rabbit, this is definitely a place I would like to call home.

Last night, there was a group of all ages gathered together to provide some entertainment to the residents. My best guess is they were doing Taekwondo or some variation of the martial arts. 

Three of the younger crowd gathered spotted a rabbit and started chasing it. The rabbit must have been in a state of shock, being pursued by these fast moving humans. Instead of running in a straight line that would have led to a means of escape, the rabbit darted into a corner and had to weave and dodge to avoid its enemy.

One of the adults in the group noticed the rabbit chase and called the children off. The kids quickly heeded the command. I could feel a collective sigh of relief as the rabbit immediately knew it was out of danger.

Then what did the rabbit do? It maintained its course. It stayed in its location and edged even closer to the group. It nibbled on the newly sodded grass, wandered through the flower garden, ate a white petunia and took its merry time before it left the area.

I could have swore the rabbit looked up and watched me watching it. I think this may have been the rabbit I have bonded with recently. I have walked by and made eye contact with a rabbit on this new patch of sod a few nights as I left my aunts. I walked very close to it, it looked toward me with one ear back and one ear fully alert.

I felt a connection to the rabbit on the run. I was amazed it stayed the course and did not run off into the nearby forest to ensure its safety. When it not only stayed in the area but moved even closer to the young, fast moving group I couldn't help but wonder what instincts were guiding it. 

The wistful part of me hoped it was a God wink intended just for me. I had just written about Mom and she has been in my thoughts and conversations a lot lately. Mom. Me. Rabbits. We have a connection. If Mom could find a way to communicate with me in her absence, I think she would choose the language of rabbits.

My brave little rabbit. You may have been protecting your young and just diverting the attention of your pursuers from them. But I choose to think you were watching me watching you. It is wishful thinking but I am comforted by the thought that you could be a little God wink from Mom ...

Easy Like Wednesday Morning

Do you ever wake up to a day that just feels "easy"? Easy from the moment you put your feet on the floor kind of easy?

This morning was such a morning for me.

It started when I woke up when I wanted to wake up. I took what time I wanted to take before I took the monumental leap of putting my feet on the floor.

When I went to make my bed, neither of the cats were sleeping on it. I have become a master of making my bed around sleeping cats. Yesterday morning I was rather pleased with myself. I made the bed around our skittish cat and he didn't jump off. I'm a master.

I tended to my morning routines and it was easy sailing all the way. Cat food and water dishes were full enough. Cat litter chores were quick and easy. I took the extra minute I gained by having no side jobs to tend and swept the floor by the litter boxes.

I came upstairs and prepared my morning smoothie and coffee. No need to open or rinse out any empty containers. All my supplies were plentiful and ready to go. 

I sat down and tackled my morning puzzles. I struggled with the crossword a little but all in all, my brain functions seem to be intact as well.

My morning routines were behind me and not one little glitch in the system. Not a one. Ahhhh ...

I like Wednesdays. I'm geared up and ready to roll. I love when the little routines in my life go easy like a Wednesday morning. [Lionel Richie sings harmony to my slightly reworded lyrics to "Easy Like Sunday Morning"]

I like the thoughts I'm thinking. I feel reflective and open to hear the "energy" I feel within the day. I sense the whispers of those who no longer walk by my side.

This morning I felt like I heard the other side of a conversation I never got to have. "People just want to be heard..." was what my heart felt and heard. No guilt. No silent admonishments of what I could have, should have and would have done given the opportunity. "Listen ..." was the lesson to be remembered.

I may or may not have "brushed shoulders" with Mom this morning. I just felt her presence within me. It was a comfort.

I reheard conversations I have had recently and think. Think of what goes beyond the words. Think of the courage it took to say what was said.

I think of loneliness. I think of that often. I think of how we are all waging our own private battles within.

I think of those who appear to be on top of their game and wonder how they feel beyond what they allow the world to see.

I look at those who are feeling more vulnerable and wonder what goes beyond what they are saying.

I look at the world around me and feel blessed beyond words. I have everything that matters to me. I have peace of mind, I feel safe within the world around me, I feel comforted to know I am not alone in the world and the security of feeling I will wake up to this familiar feeling tomorrow morning too.

I remember how hard it felt to face the day yesterday. Yet I was given another opportunity this morning. Sometimes life isn't so generous. Life can change in the blink of an eye.

When we wake up to life-as-we-know-it and it is good, it is worthwhile to stop and appreciate the moment. Is it the calm before the storm? Or is simply calmness from within?

Let There Be Light!

The first thing our Kitchen Reno Guy did, as he started undertaking the task of remodelling our kitchen, was to upgrade the dim light above our kitchen sink to three bright LED lights. The first set he brought home would have directed lost planes to our home so he toned down the wattage and we now have bright lights over our kitchen sink.

He had me at the bright lights. And it's only gotten better from there.

It is so exciting to come home at the end of our days to see what has transpired in our absence. I have yet to be disappointed. 

Our house is in a bit of a mess but it's okay. 

This too, shall pass. And in its wake, we are going to have a brand new-to-us kitchen.

Look at the delightful morning scene in our kitchen-thus-far. We now have dimmable under counter lighting. 

I spent the morning using only the lighting from under the counters and it honestly felt like Christmas. My favorite part of Christmas is turning off all the lights in our home except the white Christmas lights. I find white light serene. It soothes and calms me.

I gazed at our kitchen-in-progress and knew without a doubt in my mind. This Time of Great Renovation is right. 

I can feel Mom's nod of approval every step of the way. As I shovelled snow on a windless day a few days ago, Mom's outdoor wind chimes rang with intent. It wasn't just a light "tinkling" of the chimes. It was purposeful and it was as though the chimes were working to get my attention. I looked up and around me. No wind. The chimes were chiming. Then there was silence.

This happened one time when I was shovelling snow at Mom's house. Her snow shovellers didn't shovel everything Mom wanted shovelled so I went out one windless morning and puttered away at the task. I was thinking of Dad as I shovelled. How he would have simply "known" to shovel the patio stone area...

It calms my soul to think and wonder about the energy left behind after one no longer walks here on earth. Is there some energy left behind? Could I be having a "touched by an angel moment" when I feel this presence? 

Everything to do with this renovation has been easy. The seas have parted and it has been easy as taking the next forward step. The presence of Mom & Dad's spirits live strong within me. It is such a comfort to feel them in my heart and soul as I step back into the world of living my life more effectively once again. 

Whose energy is guiding me through this process? Can I take the credit for mustering up my ambition, hopes and dreams? Or can I laud the skies above for some mystical and heaven sent encouragement.

I only know what I know.

Life has had every reason to feel hard, so very hard these past few weeks. And it hasn't. Each and every time a moment had the power to overwhelm me and suck me under, I took deep, long breaths and talked myself down. "Don't over think this" "Just wait" "Don't react. Just wait for the moment to come to you, then act"...

Whatever the guiding force within my life may be at the moment, I am grateful. The path I'm following is bright and easy to follow.

It must be the new lights in our kitchen! Let there be light ...

Moving On (but I miss missing you)

I've said it before and I'll say it again (and quite likely again and again and again), I feel like I'm getting a grasp on life as I now know it.

Our extended winter mirrored my mood. I wanted to do nothing more than hunker down in survival mode throughout those dark, cold and windy days. The weather obliged.

The state of being alone is nourishing on one hand but it depletes a person on the other.

I have come out the other side of winter realizing I am grateful I had my regularly scheduled life (work outside of my home) pulling and tugging at me, even when it felt like it brought me to my knees at times.

I have listened to my inner chatter evolve from "You can do this"; "You can do hard things"; and "Only twelve hours to endure before I can crawl back into my pajamas"... to a far less desperate cry for help from within, as I lock the door behind me each morning.

The inner chatter within my head is becoming healthier. I still want to be home but my heart doesn't ache at the idea of walking out the door. I still live to sleep but I feel more wakeful within the hours my eyes are open. I still want to numb myself with food, surfing the Internet and sleep but I have tempered all of the above a little.

Baby steps. One day at a time. Quiet moments within busy days. Contact with people. It is all coming together. It's going to be okay.

I write this after going to bed at 8:30 last night. Exhaustion still settles in and overtakes me. But it is getting easier to crawl out of bed in the morning. The ache in my heart is subsiding ...

I remember the stage of starting to move past the extreme grief of losing our cat (Andre). I wrote this thirteen days after he died:

"I walked around "the week after" with a quiet emptiness. It was a sad place but at the same time, it was such an honor to hold onto that ache because it kept my memories and feelings close to my heart.

Life has taken over this week and carried on.

I still miss our little black cat but I know his time on earth was so uncomfortable it was time to let him go.

I miss mourning him. That sad, soulful feeling and the quiet ache in my heart filled the void he left.

We will forever remember you, Andre. I miss missing you so much."

It has been 33 weeks since Mom died. I could replace "the week after" with "the months after"; substitute Mom's name with Andre's ... and the words I wrote describing the process of moving out of the more acute side of grief and into the phase of a quiet acceptance, life moving on and the stage of "I miss missing you so much" describes a little of how I feel in this moment.

The mathematician in me is trying to calculate a formula for grief. Andre was 15 years old when he died. The state of acute grief lasted 2 weeks. 2 weeks divided by 780 weeks equals .... and my mind goes off into a silent wondering if there is any way of calculating the severity of grief for someone I've known and literally been a part of their being since before I was born.

There is no math in the world which can calculate the answers I seek. The honest truth is that I do not want to ever completely "get over" the loss of either Mom or Dad. Dad's death has taught me that one year melts into the next and emotions can overwhelm a person when you least expect them in a completely out of the blue moment in time.

There are times when I have felt Dad close to me. Those times seemed to happen as I was driving to work on a Saturday morning. Other times, on the highway between our home and Mom's. Or shovelling Mom's snow. Another time, while driving home on an old, familiar gravel road I only travelled with Dad or his brother behind the wheel. It is odd how keenly I can remember those moments. How they stayed with me. How emotion came up and enveloped me.

I think of those who no longer walk this earth and I wonder about the "energy" they leave behind.

When two people find a meeting of the heart, mind and soul and each of them has lost a parent, husband or loved one, could it be possible all of those heavenly presences are looking down upon the moments and smiling on what they see?

When lost humanly souls find a connection of friendship, support and understanding, is it possible their angels above have pulled some strings to help co-ordinate that meeting of the minds? Could they be hoping we find peace and acceptance within the life we have yet to live, just as much as we send them on their way wishing them nothing but a peaceful and pain free exit from our world?

The past week has involved some minor miracles in regards to the dynamics within my own little family. Incidents which have brought us together make me look upward and wonder if some invisible force has been pulling some strings to unite and reunite us in ways Mom has done in the past.

Two weekends ago, my Oldest Son called on me for some assistance. I walked by his side through a non-critical health issue but a serious one, none-the-less. He wasn't alone. I was there with him. And it was good.

Last weekend, my sister-in-law came for a visit and united our little family in her own unique way, yet parallel to the way we used to come together and meet when Mom would stay here. Dare I say it was even better?

My sister-in-law is the aunt to my two oldest and she is the common thread between them. They are planning a joint hiking adventure together this summer which has come with the added benefit of some joint weekend "training sessions". The dynamics of this grouping was nothing short of a gift. My youngest son was immediately taken with my sister-in-law's easy conversational ways and simply said, "I like her! She is so easy to talk with ..."

The last time I walked away from a weekend with my own siblings, my emotions took a nose dive I wasn't prepared for or expecting. "I'm on my own now" was basically the feeling I was left with, as I counted down the months until our next family gathering.

Then the next few weekends unfolded. I am not on my own. I have my own family. They don't need very much of me but we manage to come together in times of need. From the outside, looking in, it would appear that my oldest son needed me. When in truth, I believe it was the other way around. I needed the connection and I looked skyward wondering if Mom could have possibly have had a hand in the way things unfolded.

On one hand, I love this phase of being a parent to my adult children. On the other, there are some isolated patches along the way, because each one of them is building a life independent of me, our home and our family unit. That is the way it should be. And it is good.

My new reality is, that I have a little rebuilding to do on my own. My focus was "Mom" for the past long while. That was good too.

I don't have a burning desire to focus that attention on anything or anyone else at the moment. So I am simply grateful for life unfolding in a way which seems to present me with exactly what I need, when I don't even realize I need it the most.

The acute emptiness of missing Mom is subsiding. Life is moving forward without her in it. It is the only way and it is exactly what Mom would want.

We will forever remember you, Mom. I miss missing you so much.

Living in a Bubble Wrapped World (or is it simply a "force field"?)

Is it just me, or is there anyone else out there who believes they live a rather charmed life? Protected from life's bumps and bruises and walking/driving away from what could have been rather catastrophic without as much as a scratch?

I lead such a life. As I wrote the above paragraph, my "protected life" flashed before my life in the moments when, for some unknown reason, I was saved from an accident of many sorts. I live such a charmed life, I sometimes wonder if I'm making up the whole thing in my mind ...

Anyway, I thought it was just "me". But apparently my car is living in a bubble wrapped world.

My boss drove her car for the first time in four months yesterday. I begged her to let me drive her but she is determined in a **"Margaret" sort of way. There was absolutely nothing I could say or do to deter her. But she did agree to me accompanying her to her car and seeing her drive off independently.

I then watched her drive out of the underground parking, turn onto the road and I knew she was on her way.

"Hmmm," I said to the person-I-didn't-know who was standing beside me as I watched my boss drive off, "My car is right between those two police cars and the fire truck with its lights flashing, across the street. I wonder if it's okay?"

I may be the only human being on earth who would do what I did. But I did it and didn't even question it until the end of my work day.

Whatever had happened had already happened. There was nothing I could do to undo it. And I had soooo much work to do and only hours to do it in. I turned around, went back to work and never thought about it again until my boss described the "accident scene" and the blockage of traffic right where my car was parked. Four hours after I had first witnessed the firetruck and police vehicles surrounding my car.

I shake my head, wondering what in the world I was thinking, to just walk away from what could have been my car in its time of need ...

Anyway, with my work day officially behind me, I finally went downstairs, crossed the street and told the police officers who were on the case, "That is my car..."

"Don't worry, it's not damaged", was their immediate reply. "Was it the cause of the accident?", I asked. Immediately feeling like my car must have somehow been to blame, as I saw for the first time, the car which had hit a tree and reverberated backwards. All within a foot or so of my car. "No, your car was not at fault" I was assured.

I asked if I should drive my car out of their way and they actually asked if it was okay if I left it there for a while longer. My car was part of the accident scene and they had to take pictures from above. No problem, I assured them. I wouldn't be headed for home for another three hours. Then I remembered I promised my aunt we would drive out to Costco. They assured me that I should be able to remove my car from the scene within a half hour.

I immediately went to my aunt's and told her my car's story. "Is it damaged?" she asked. "The police assured me it wasn't", I replied. "Did you look at it yourself?". "No ... it didn't even dawn on me to look at it" (I continue to astound and amaze myself with my head-in-the-sand responses).

While my aunt was completely incredulous that I didn't check out my car with my own eyes, I assured her that the police wouldn't lie to me. "What if it's damaged and you have to make an accident claim?" she continued. I assured her that everything was on record and I was quite certain that an accident that required emergency services to be on the scene five hours after it happened,  would be well recorded.

We walked to the doors at the end of the hall to take in the scene with our own eyes. This was quite literally the first time I had actually stopped to examine the circumstances. We watched the police drone fly over the scene and take all kinds of pictures. Everything had been measured, examined, recorded and from the angle we were looking at things, it seemed beyond amazing that my car hadn't been hit.

As we watched over the police in action, other residents from my aunt's apartment complex came by and filled us in on the details as they knew them. One, was a person who lived in the apartment mere feet away from the tree that was injured in the process. The second, was a person who cared about the tree.

Apparently, a senior lady was the driver of the car. She was taken away by ambulance. People were on the scene within moments of the accident and a police car was on the scene mere minutes after that. I became more concerned about the driver of the car than anything else. I hoped the accident wasn't due to a medical emergency while she was driving and her becoming unconscious.

The benefit of personally knowing people on both sides of the street where this accident occurred, is that I received an update from my boss within the hour. It was one of the residents of her apartment who had been the driver of the car. Apparently, she hit a patch of ice as she drove onto the street and careened into the tree across the street. They took her to the hospital as a precaution but she was fine.

I was so relieved that the driver was okay, I almost forget everything that preceded that moment.

It was only in reflection, that I reflected back on my thought processes as I had parked my car that morning. Initially, I almost stopped exactly in the spot where the car slid across the street and into the tree. Then I remembered the plans I had made with my aunt for later in the afternoon. We had plans to go out, so I crept up closer to the driveway out of her complex thinking it would be easier for her to walk out to the car if I was closer.

I continue to rewind the tape and think of the fact that I would have been directly in the path of the car that slid out of control. I vividly remember creeping up closer to the approach. It was a conscious decision on my part and I talked myself out of parking in the path of impending destruction.

As we gazed onto the scene of the accident, it seemed unbelievable that my car had been spared. Honestly, it was as though it had a "force field" around it and nothing could penetrate it.

My car and I live a charmed life. As I sit here and think of it, I feel the same sense of protection around our home and family.

If one didn't believe in guardian angels before, does this not give reason to ponder and wonder about the forces around us that we cannot see.

I so want to believe I have a guardian angel or two. I feel as though I have an army of angels watching over me at times. It is a great comfort and I am grateful. So grateful ....

**Mom's name is Margaret and she was THE Webster Dictionary definition of "determined"