Breaking All the Rules

I set out (what I thought were) a few easy guidelines to follow in order to change my life. It sounded easy. "Rest when you are tired" and "Eat when you are hungry". I tacked on "Do one hard thing every day" because I was feeling brave.

Well!

Rest when you are tired. I was tired when I was at work. My eyes wanted to slam shut and stay there for a short spell. It was SO hard to stay awake, so we walked instead. That worked (and walking is better than eating).

After overruling my tiredness, I came home and didn't feel "tired". I felt overwhelmed by the day. I was so overwhelmed that I forgot to pick up my son from University. I didn't realize the error of my ways until I pulled into the driveway and noticed the living room curtains were exactly how I left them.

Oh no!! I had completely forgotten about my son. Thankfully he is 20 years old, had a cell phone and when I called to let him know him I was on my way, he just laughed. Whew.

Back to my story...

As I was saying, by the time I returned home (the second time) I wasn't tired. I was just tired of the day. So I reached for food. I wasn't hungry. I was empty. I filled the void with food. As I did this, I thought "There goes 'Rule #1' "; followed by the thought "Who cares!" and "Why didn't I pick up chips on the way home??"

To be very honest, my obsession with the knowledge that there were NO chips in the house is very likely the reason I forgot to pick up my son. My prevailing thought after work was "Should I pick up some chips??" I was so proud of myself for making the right choice and coming straight home, the fact that my son waiting for me didn't even cross my mind.

Overruling exhaustion when it hits is a bad habit I noticed my young daycare crowd had when it came to trying to avoid sleeping at nap time. Some of these little people were tired and cranky AND fought sleep. When they slept, they were so much more content, happy and easy to be around.

When I fight the waves of exhaustion, I "manage" but my tolerance to let the small stuff slide slips. I push myself through the day. I stay awake when my body is craving sleep. I come home and think I deserve a reward for getting through the day.

Thus, I break rule #1 and rule #2 that I made for myself. I eat to stay awake.

Admitting I have a problem isn't solving the issue at hand. I need to do the hard work myself. Last night I went to bed when I was tired (after the bowl of popcorn was gone). I woke up feeling rested. The weight of the world isn't sitting on my shoulders (though I think it did take up residence in my neck because it was a bit of a mess this morning).

During the week, doing "one hard thing each day" = "leaving the house". On some level I am succeeding. I think back to one year ago today and I know I have come a long way.

A year ago, my thoughts were completely consumed with Mom. I was low. I felt lost. I felt like I was dragging around the weight of the world with each and every step. Leaving the house felt physical painful. It was soooo hard.

I've come a long way. But I have a long way to go.