Food, We Need to Talk!

Food, you and I need to have a talk. I need you to know I have been "using" you. Using and abusing you. It is an unhealthy relationship we have, Food. I need to relearn how to treat you because I need you in my life. How can we learn to co-exist in a healthy way?

I wandered away from my second cup of coffee this morning and suddenly remembered the little ways food was a form of a reward and consolation when I was young.

Sundays will forever remind me of Dad going to pick up McDonald's for supper and he would time it so he would return by 6:00 and we would gather around the TV and watch "The Wonderful World of Disney". Only on Sundays. It was family time, it was special and it was something I always looked forward to.

I remember Mom picking up Pringles and we shared that can of Pringles while we watched "The Waltons".

I remember coming home from school every day, making myself a chocolate milkshake, then sitting down and devouring the current book I was reading.

I remember another phase when I came home from school, made some popcorn and watched "Love American Style".

I remember a time when I was heartbroken over not being asked to dance at a school sock hop. I came home feeling sad and Mom made French fries for supper (French fries had a designated day of the week and they were served at lunch time). French fries were my consolation prize.

I just remembered a time when I was quite young and knowing I just wanted to die. I was not courageous enough to act on that urge but quietly decided I would starve myself to death. I remember reading how long the body could last without food. Obviously I never succeeded. Probably because Dad brought home McDonald's the following Sunday.

After I left home, whenever I would walk through Mom's door, the offer of food, conversation, company and support was always there. Always.

Food accompanied me through good times and bad. Then I became independent and started hiding, hoarding it and eating alone. I bought my junk food at different stores so no one would know the problem I had with food. I hid snacks in my closet. You know you are in trouble when you start using food to fill a void.

Was I subconsciously trying to recreate the comfort that food always provided? Was I using food to numb my feelings and fill the void? Did I use food as a reward? As a consolation?

Yes.

They say the first step is admitting it to yourself. "Hello, my name is Colleen. And I am a foodaholic."

I don't know where I will go from here (even though I know where I need to go). I will start at the beginning. I will admit my powerlessness over food. I will admit I use food in a fashion it was never meant to be used. I admit I eat too much, too often and for all the wrong reasons. I will allow myself to delve into that first step of admitting my powerlessness and I will move onto the second step.

Hmmm ... I started writing this post in a tongue in cheek, humorous kind of way. Then I let my fingers fly across the keyboard and I have realized I may be onto something here. It isn't about cleansing, deprivation and eating in a Whole30 kind of way. It is about getting to the bottom of the relationship I have with food.

Food, I am so over you. You hold far too much power over me and I resent you for that. I don't know exactly where I will go, but this is where I will start. I need to redefine my relationship with food. I have a feeling that is not as simple as it sounds...