Searching

In my quest of seeking "inspiration", I have found myself back in the archives of the blog writers who speak to me the most.

I have found so much pleasure in going back and reading other people's archives, that it just dawned on me to go back to my early blogging days. My life, my moods, the drama, my coping skills and courage are so very cyclical, that I thought I would find my own answers within what I have already written.

I have been writing within this little blog space for over ten years. My early writing was all about finding my courage, rediscovering myself, my passion and joy for living and writing about the lessons to be learned from the challenges one faces. I wrote with the purpose of finding the lessons in life and my goal was to write with optimism and hope.

As I went back to the beginning, I found this paragraph, written on January 16, 2008:

"There has been a time when my free hours were so scarce that I became very greedy with my free moments. So to be offering to 'share' this precious time .... it's kind of scary. But overall, I think it is a sign that I am regaining some equilibrium in my life again. I'm ready to share my time and myself again. I have a little left over at the end of the day, and it feels good."

The greediness I feel when it comes to sharing my free moments is an ongoing theme throughout the ebbs and flows of my life. Yet it was right at that very time when I made the decision to forge ahead with collecting memories from Mom and her sisters to create their family's book of history and memories.

I was slightly terrified at the prospect and my enthusiasm and fear cycled through my days regularly. I just found these words:

"I knew I should start making my next round of phone calls to line up my next interviews ... and I was stuck. Wouldn't you know it? Mom called me and our conversation got me excited again ...

I had printed off a few of my blog entries and she had gotten them in the mail today. And her words felt so good to hear. Praise coming from your mother is simply the best approval in the world. She didn't say all that much ... but she said just enough to make me feel worthy. And capable of taking on this book endeavor."

That book project was the beginning of a journey that evolved into the rather special connection I felt with Mom. She was my cheer leader throughout my life. Reading that one paragraph reminded me of the many times she was the one who encouraged me through the process of amassing those memories. And so much more.

I miss my most ardent cheer leader...

My thoughts are all over the map as I write that last sentence. So I went back and reread more of my old posts. I wrote the following on January 23, 2008. It sounds like a road map for where I need to go next:

Fulfillment

I am feeling absolutely jubliant about life these days!! I have an outlet for my excess words, here on this blog, I have an outlet for my 'creativity' with ''The Book", I have my dancing to fulfill the 'fun' part of my life, I have my work,which is something that I feel like I am doing well. I have my family - I feel like my own family unit is getting stronger once again. I have reached out to so many family members these past 6 months ... it is amazing. Between keeping in touch with my own siblings (planning a birthday gathering for Mom) and initiating these get togethers with my aunts to gather information and stories for "The Book". And friends. Where would I be without my friends? And I feel like I am a equal partner in my friendships ... not the needy one.....

I have patience with the kids, I am enjoying my the parents I babysit for, I feel like I am a better parent, I have something left of me to offer at the end of the day ... whether it is to help someone out in some way ... or actually leave the house and go and visit someone ... I am so very, very ''full''.

I have often felt a void in my life. And it has honestly felt like a hole in my heart or soul in some way. I can feel the difference in the way I eat, I shop and I live when I am ''full''.

I have shopped and filled my cart as though I was 'filling a void' ... I have eaten to the point where I am beyond full but still shovelling in the food to fill something inside me that is empty ... I have rejected people and socializing in my life because I am so hollow inside that I feel I have nothing to offer anyone.

But these days ... I am full. I eat because I am hungry. I shop because I need to. And I actually can leave the house at the end of a day ... and still feel like a vital human being that has something to offer someone else.

I have just returned home from a most enjoyable visit ... my heart and my soul are so content. Feeling like this at the end of the day defines contentment and happiness.

My cup is overflowing ...

When in doubt, search your own archives. The answers were within you all along, Dorothy (another slightly paraphrased phrase from The Wizard of Oz).