I'm Trying

I need a life.

I have been reflecting on my thoughts this past week, most likely brought on due to upcoming plans where I am pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

Make no mistake. I NEED to be pushed out of this comfortable life I'm living, but part of me is screaming "You are already doing all the hard things! Do you really need to add to the list?"

I am going to work each day without falling to pieces and the reciting the cheer: "You can do this. You CAN do this. You can do hard things", as I propel myself out the door. I'm doing it. And it's okay.

It just makes me love weekends a little more than I probably should.

I am coming upstairs and sitting in natural light. My inclination to stay downstairs in my room and hold a Netflix marathon of watching Gilmore Girls and Grey's Anatomy over and over again. But I'm coming upstairs. I am letting myself be drawn to the light.

It just makes me love heading down into my room at the end of the day a little more than is probably healthy. But I am trying to absorb the daylight, the sunshine and Vitamin D. I'm trying.

I am reading in lieu of watching TV. I am trying to absorb new words and thoughts. I'm trying. It is hard. Words still swim on the page and I got so angry with Harper Lee for her wordiness and (what I felt) was an excessive amount of extra information. But I am trying.

I chose four of Mom's books to take along with me on my upcoming technology free retreat. I will continue to try.

I am writing. It isn't deep, provocative and meaningful writing. But I am writing. I am working to re-establish the brain to fingertip connection.

I have a long way to go but I am doing better than I have done.

I want to eat better. I have an emotional connection to food that is unmistakable. The moment I walk in the door at the end of my hard day of being away from home, I cannot wait to find something to eat. I eat before, during and after the point of it feeling uncomfortable. My stomach physically hurts.

I know I am trying to fill an emptiness that has nothing to do with food. I admit this. I haven't overcome it. But I am searching.

I have come so far but I have so much further yet to go.

I have done the hard things and made some upcoming plans. When I wrote them on the calendar, it didn't hurt. I thought I would be okay. But as each deadline looms, I simply can't wait for it to be done, so I can come home, head downstairs and fill the bottomless abyss with food.

I came home at the end of my 12 hour day away from home last week and ate. There was no hunger involved. Simply emptiness. I panicked at the onset of the day and could not wait for it to be behind me.

This is not living. But I'm doing better than I have done. I feel so sorry for the people involved in this uphill battle I'm waging. "It's not you. It's me."

I can do hard things. When I come home and write them on the calendar, it is another victory for me. One battle at a time. Then come home and rest.

It's all about "coming home" for me. There is simply no place like it.

P.S. I wrote this yesterday afternoon and cancelled my upcoming weekend plans last night. I woke up this morning and read these words (in part) by Glennon Doyle:

1. Be Still
2. Know
3. Do
5. Let It Stand.
~ Glennon Doyle

I'm just going to let it stand. The end.