Bliss - In the Eyes of a Momma Cat

I am convinced all I need to know could be learned by watching a cat.

I have no idea how much time was spent gazing at a new Momma Cat and her four kittens yesterday afternoon. It was akin to watching a fire, staring out into the ocean and watching for life.

Momma Cat sprawled out lazily while her kittens ate, played, slept and wrestled amongst themselves. The kittens were 25 days old and are just getting their sea legs. They weebled and wobbled and often toppled over.

They nibbled on each other's ears, they walked over each other, they seemed to instinctively want to climb up on something and those teeny tiny little claws were out in full force as they charted their new territory.

The look in the mother cat's eyes was pure and unadulterated contentment. She was lying in the middle of her world with her kittens all around her, chewing on her ears, climbing over her and she lapped it all up.

This momma was completely content and fulfilled. Her existence was defined by her need to nurture her little family to independence. I told her I wish she had taught me what I needed to know about parenthood before I had my first child.

By the time my second and third children appeared on the scene, I had learned enough to stop and enjoy those moments of complete and utter dependence a newborn child has. There were more moments of bliss with my third child than with any other. I felt like I may have had the look that momma cat had.

My first child however? I was living a life of fear, scarcity, dependence and I was in the thick of learning all I needed to know to survive away from my own family. I was a wreck. I am afraid if I was a cat, I may have eaten my first born.

Is it any wonder that I carry the weight of guilt on my shoulders when it comes to my oldest child? I did not nurture him the way he needed to be nurtured right from the start.

I had not yet learned what that first time momma cat knew instinctively. I was a mere kitten myself when I had my first. I didn't have time to learn what I needed to know to give him the start he needed.

I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry. If only I had the sense of that momma cat, things could have been so different ...