Re-Syncing Our Clocks

I had to replace the batteries in Mom's clock yesterday morning. Then I had to reset the clock this morning in order to re-sync the correct number of chimes with the hour. When the clock didn't reset itself overnight, I wanted to do what Mom would have done. I wanted to call my brother ...

It has been nine months since Mom died. The battery life left in her clock. Yet time just keeps moving onward.

There have been times when I have been out of sync with this forward motion of living, much like Mom's clock. I was stuck in some places longer than necessary. The days were moving forward but I was falling behind.

There is so much to do at first, so your heart doesn't catch up to your reality immediately. I think my heart caught up with our new reality in the dead of winter.

Spring had the ability to reset the clock and put my heart and head in sync with each other again.

I still think of Mom lots. I would have asked her to clarify so many answers for me if she was still here. I wonder what she was thinking and feeling when her ability to conquer what ailed her started to decline. I asked her so many questions at the time. I guess what I wonder the most is what she was going through physically.

Her motto was "mind over matter" and near the end, she even commented that perhaps she could beat the odds. "They do make mistakes you know..." There was the time when she seemed to say aloud what she only meant to think "I have so much to live for ..." This is slightly paraphrased but what I understood her to say is that she had a good life and she was willing to fight the good fight (or at least not show weakness).

I feel like I'm back in real time again. I let my mind wander and wonder but I don't stay there. I have subconsciously hit the "reset" button and I'm living one day at a time, savoring the small stuff, honoring memories and working on making some new ones.

So I called out (okay, I texted) to my brother last night. It had nothing to do with the clock. It had everything to do with simply touching base and checking in. Mom would have wanted to know how things were, so I checked in. In a "Mom" kind of way. I did the same with my Oldest Son.

Mom would have chided me, "You didn't call!!?" she would ask me incredulously at times when I let too much time elapse between check ins.

I feel Mom tapping me on my shoulder and reminding me to check in. Checking in keeps you in sync with "real time". Checking in keeps you present. Checking in keeps you from checking out.

My check in with my brother ended with us looking toward some future plans. My side of the conversation ended with the words "Thank you. I am eternally grateful." And I was. More than he knew.

At the start of our conversation, I was feeling so very hesitant about our upcoming trip. By the end of it, I was starting to anticipate and (dare I say) look forward to it.

I'm so very glad I checked in. That check-in re-synced me once again. My morning thoughts of wanting to call my brother turned out to be exactly what I needed to do.

Thanks, Mom. I needed that check-in more than I knew.