Signs

Signs are all around us. Some of them appear to be obvious. Others are hidden and full of meaning.

Since Mom died, I have searched the world looking for a "sign". The harder I look, the less I see. When I sit quietly, simply watch and feel the world around me, signs are everywhere.

A phrase within a song that is rich in meaning at precisely the exact moment I needed to hear the words.

A rabbit hopping through a mall parking lot, completely out of context within the situation and in plain sight so I wouldn't miss it.

The feeling within my heart as I sit still, try to understand and feel what Mom may have feeling as she spent so very many hours alone.

The day I prepared for an impromptu barbeque with my siblings, I felt Mom woven deeply within the day as I unintentionally recreated some of the best moments of the last "good day" I spent with Mom.

I hear her whispering in my ear, saying all the things she used to say in a particular situation. I want to silence her voice when I don't agree with what she said. But I don't, for fear that I will miss out on the good stuff if I snuff out the negative.

I feel her within our cat's eyes when he hid among the lilac bushes and recreated a scene from our ailing cat's, final days. Andre's eyes spoke volumes without saying a word. Mom once told me, "If I ever get sick, I want to be sick like Andre". His steroid medication masked the symptoms of his respiratory illness and to the unknowing eye, one would have never believed he was dying. "If I ever get sick, I want to be sick like Andre" ...

Mom failed to find the humor and perspective of being compared to a cat as her days wound down. But our little Andre taught me everything I needed to know to walk through The Year of Mom.

The conversations one hears by looking into a person's eyes; the weariness of spirit even though the body mightily carries on; the need for rest; the way they rallied as loved ones came to call and learning that letting go is the deepest act of love when you realize they have given all they have to give to the world.

Signs.

I am open to receive and accept any sign I can find. Maybe I'm holding onto false hope. Maybe I'm fooling myself. Maybe I'm seeing what I need to see. But when I feel the essence of Mom within a moment, I know that she is with me in some form.

My cousin posted a video of a hummingbird at the feeder her mom hung many years ago and faithfully kept it full. Throughout the years a hummingbird was never spotted but the feeder was replenished and full of hope.

My uncle said he had never seen a hummingbird at the feeder until this spring. Yesterday was the ten year anniversary of my aunt's passing. My cousin was visiting her dad when she heard an unknown humming sound from above. She looked up and spotted a hummingbird ...

A hummingbird came to visit at a moment when all my cousin had to do was "look up". As my cousin walked through that particular day, her thoughts were quite possibly full of thoughts of her mom. Her mom, who hung a hummingbird feeder years ago, faithfully believing if she kept it full the hummingbirds would come.

A hummingbird feeder was filled with hope. And the hummingbird came. A special gift especially for my cousin and her family, from her mom at a moment when a tiny little bird could say more than words could encompass.

Signs. They are all around us. Sit quietly and look up. You never know what you will see ...