After I turned my devices back on and got caught up after my two day hiatus, I tried to walk away from these energy, attention grabbing pieces of technology. I didn't succeed.
I muted my cell phone, closed my email program and the only window left open on the computer was my budget. It wasn't enough.
The magnetic pull of the computer kept drawing me in once the power button was on. I felt compelled to check my cell phone for missed calls or text messages that could be waiting. It was Monday after all. I needed to be available to those who employ me.
Except I wasn't.
Since I was home and my cell phone ringer was on mute, I missed a call that I should have taken. I answered the call that came on my land line but I missed the second call that came through on my cell. I didn't find it until hours after the fact. It was too late to return the call so I left it until morning. I shouldn't feel as badly as I do about this because I could have been reached at home. The old fashioned way. By phone.
When asked how my weekend was I honestly replied, "It was WONDERFUL!!! I am definitely going to do this again!" The reply, "I hope not too soon..."
One statement deflated me. I truly believe it was not meant to impact me the way it did. It came from a place of desperation. But I maintain my position. I was home. Phone calls were welcome. I just turned off my cell phone and computer. I was not sitting on a mountaintop, away from civilization. I was home. All you had to do was call ...
Then again, is there another reason why this is bothering me so?
The feeling, the conversation, the unspoken words and the suppressed anger I felt by not being able to be reached on my cell phone reminded me of a conversation with Mom.
Mom detested cell phones with every fibre of her being. Except when she was the one who was trying to call. Of course she would try all other means first and the mere act of dialing a cell phone number was a last resort. So she would expect an answer. "Isn't that what a cell phone is for?" To be used in case of emergency?!
If Mom was calling me on my cell phone, I knew she needed an answer. I heard the same quiet desperation in the voice at the other end of the phone yesterday.
Instead of climbing on my high horse and defending myself with the truth (I was home ... why didn't you call my home number?), I need to listen, reassure and affirm that I am almost always available to take a call.
We are living in a world where we can be reached at almost any time, any place. This is a good thing in many ways but it is suffocating at times.
I suppose this is why some people are drawn to the mountains. If you can't reach me at home or on my cell, I may be sitting atop a mountain somewhere. Not any time soon though. I am needed here at home. I could hear it in her voice...
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