No Guilt Allowed

I have squandered more time off feeling guilty about all I'm not doing, than taking action actually doing something about it. 

Guilt has never done anything positive for me. The only thing it does, is drain me of energy, wear me down, I beat myself up and feel badly about whatever the situation is at hand.

Guilt rarely motivates me. I want to run for cover, turn on the TV to tune out my thoughts. I fill myself with junk food - literally and figuratively. Junk food for the soul (mindless TV) and junk food for my body (chips and pop).

Guilt is a complete and total waste of time for me.

This weekend I am not allowing guilt to rule my thoughts. It is a "No Guilt Allowed" weekend. I will follow where that thought leads, allow myself some guilty pleasures and plan to wake up to a Monday morning without a guilt hangover.

May you fill your day with whatever it is you need the most. No guilt allowed.

Feeling Angsty

I woke up with a good case of "angst" this morning. It seems to be coming at me from all directions and I don't quite know what to do but wonder if it is just the phase of the moon.

I woke up with the thought "Life could change on a dime". I can think of a few triggers for this ominous thought. Most of all I am berating myself for simply not appreciating life-as-I-know-it. Life is such a delicate, precarious balance of good, bad, stressful, easy, work, leisure, expectations ... and the list goes on and on. And on.

Lesson #1 - "When you wake up to a day that is much like the day you expect it to be, be grateful." There is much to be said for a day like every other.

I then started panicking about the way I've been handling my finances. "I should pretend I don't get one pay cheque and save it." Not only to build up my savings but to practise for the day when my income level will change. Life could change on a dime, you know!

Lesson #2 - take "work like you don't need the money" to a new level and "Work like you aren't getting paid for it - and SAVE!"

Then I got on my own case and berated myself for a project I started and put aside. I have mastered the art of procrastination. I have that quality within me so fine tuned I have forgotten that I have been putting off until next year (or the year after that), what could be done in small step-by-step increments.

Lesson #3 - "One small step in a forward direction will put you one step closer to your goal." Baby steps. One step at a time. Get 'er done, Girl!!

I felt my childhood regret of speaking out loud haunt me this morning. Did I write something or say something I shouldn't have? I labored over replying to a text last night because the words wouldn't come. I overthought something I may have written weeks ago. Coulda, shoulda, woulda kinds of thoughts prevailed.

Lesson #4 - "Just do your best. One day at a time." I can hear Mom tell me "Be careful what you put in writing" and I heed that advise to the best of my ability.

Good health should never be taken for granted. This goes right along with lesson #1 - waking up to a body that works as you have grown accustomed to expecting to is a gift like no other. Life can change on a dime. Prepare for the worst while hoping for the best. Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

I take my circumstances for granted. I know I do. I wake up to a warm and cozy home, I jump out of bed and head into my day feeling nothing but a little groggy. I work for people I respect and admire and actually get paid for the privilege. I live in a state of feeling overwhelmed and depleted and don't replenish myself in the ways I could and should.

I do a few things right. I do my best. I endeavour to be kind to everyone. I am grateful.

I make mistakes. We all do. I try my best. But I still fail. I wake up every morning with the opportunity to try, try again.

I'm feeling angsty this morning. Perhaps because I woke up with the knowledge that I need to try a little harder today.

Forgive Me World, For I Have Sinned

Did you ever have a day when you felt like you were at the root of misdoings, misunderstandings, under-doing, not showing up &/or possibly stepping on someone's toes?

Oh.

Me neither.

Except for yesterday.

I felt responsible for everything wrong in the world yesterday. I'm pretty sure you can even pinpoint me as the cause for Global Warming and the unrest in the world.

I spent this morning atoning for the errors of my ways and I have more to go.

Gotta run. I must ask the world to forgive me for my imperfections. For they are many.

Forgive me world, for I have sinned.

Today will be a better day. Right??

P.S. This feels so big and so huge that I want to blame hormones. Whadya think? Post menopausal guilt? PMG perhaps??

Honoring the Day - a lesson on gratitude

These are the words that spoke to me today:

"Take time to do what makes your soul happy"

ProjectHappiness.org

I woke up this morning feeling completely tapped out and exhausted. I have been trying to follow my joy, keep whatever "sparks joy" in my life and as a result I have been feeling joyful most of the first five days of the new year. 

Can I admit that joy exhausts me? At least the process of creating it within my world?

I decided to honor my exhaustion. Instead of cloaking myself in guilt and listening to that nagging voice within my subconscious mind rattle off all the things I SHOULD be doing, I stopped in my tracks. I would not waste energy on guilt. I prefer to utilize the word "honor".

I'm tired.

Who wouldn't be? Okay, don't answer that. A lot of people wouldn't be. Even I wouldn't have been ten years ago. 

Life can feel exhausting. I knew it would be tough jumping back onto the band wagon and getting back to work after my holiday. Even within my already condensed first week back to work, I condensed it even further. This action sparked "guilt". Not a good thing. I will do better. 

What has happened is behind us. It can't be undone. It can be improved upon. One can learn from the past. I can find every excuse in the book to explain why I feel the way I feel. But the past is a done deal. I will honor that too. And move forward.

I have given myself one more hour of "play" time before I sit still and tackle one project I have on the go. I will cook a meal. If all goes well, I will also prepare a little extra food to carry us through the week. Once on a roll, I would like to take another step in the Marie Kondo process of finding joy through tidying up.

This process fits with who I am. I feel riddled with guilt and I'm overwhelmed at the mountain of "stuff" that has amassed within our home. I am stuck in a state of limbo because much of what has accumulated once belonged to Mom.

Marie Kondo says to hold each item individually and keep only that which sparks joy. Gratitude is key. She suggests thanking each item as you let go. I found myself inhaling the life each piece of clothing brought into my world. It was life affirming. There is little that I own that doesn't have a story, a sentimental pull or a useful purpose. It felt entirely natural to thank each item as I let it go. "Thank you!" are two words I utter aloud to myself on a regular basis. I didn't need Marie Kondo to guide me to do this.

I let go of one full hamper of clothes yesterday. It was good. Today? I must take a step back and inhale before I take another step forward.

Yesterday was a perfect day of everything that mattered.

I accomplished one hard thing. I carved out time to do what fuels me. I had a one-on-one visit with each one of my boys. I fed my family. I honored what was important to me. Then I slept (and slept some more).

I no longer feel exhausted. The act of sitting still and honoring the day behind me and allowing myself to take time to do what makes my soul happy is giving me the fuel I need to do one (or more?) more hard thing(s) today. Then I will rest.

Guilty as Charged - Misdemeanors of an Electronic Kind

I woke up on "guilt" this morning and I am not even going to put words to my thoughts because I know the only way to rid myself of guilty feelings is to act. The moment I take action or talk my way through, the thoughts will lose their power and this will become one of a million non-events in the history of my thoughts.

I hate knowing I've done wrong or could have handled a situation ever-so-much better. Because the moment I hear the other guy's perspective, I feel defensive. I feel like I am the one who has been wronged when I start defending my actions.

I hate waking up in the middle of the night feeling an unresolved conversation playing out in my mind. As much as I tried to talk myself down, reminding myself I will forget this feeling as soon as both parties have had a chance to talk, I couldn't rid myself of the thoughts that kept waking me up.

In the old days, a person would have had a two way conversation on the phone or in person. A minor little non-event or misunderstanding would be lost in the events of the day because both people would have had a chance to speak and listen and resolve the emotions-of-the-moment on the spot.

Nowadays, a person can send a text or message or email to voice a concern. This has its benefits because you have time to weigh your thoughts and your words carefully and "without emotion" (this is debatable because sometimes the words chosen do not depict the reality of what you are trying to say).

Then the other person can respond in kind. Or ... (and why didn't I think of this last night??) one could still always pick up the phone and chat. Just to clear the air and have that interplay of words without trying to read between the lines.

As I said, the "event" is really nothing. The "feelings" are what are bothering me. I responded to the query and didn't receive a confirmation of "It's okay" in return. You sit in cyber wonderland and wonder if your words were received in the manner they were sent.

Mom is right again. This whole "texting" and "messaging" and non-personal, non-interactive generation could so easily go down the tubes. Just because of a few ill chosen words. You really have to know a person to communicate without the aid of body language and all the cues you get when you listen to the inflection of a person's tone. Smiley faces and "laugh out loud" notations just don't get the point across well enough (especially when a person thinks LOL means "lots of love" and sends a "LOL" message after hearing someone's bad news) at times.

This whole non-event should have been a three minute conversation. One where you see the other guy's smile or sheepish look when they have done something another may have misunderstood. One where the other guy had a chance to respond and offer the chance for further clarification. One where a minor little thing (I am probably the only party who lost sleep over this, but then again maybe not - otherwise why wouldn't there have been that smiley face or thumbs up or "It's okay" message to tie up our virtual conversation?).

A little thing has become bigger than it needed to be. I am equally responsible for things unfolding the way they did. Thus, my guilt.

[Insert sheepish grin here]

I know it will be okay. I know it without a doubt. I just need to hear the other side of the conversation.

Do I Expect Too Much?

I read something on Facebook and now I can't find it for the life of me. Maybe I dreamt it. It spoke to the guilt complex that drives me, whispers in my ear and taunts me all day, every day as I "rule my daycare world".

This little memo on Facebook (or my guilty imagination) went something like this: "Two year olds don't sit still; two year olds don't share; two year olds don't do about a million (okay, maybe only five) other things that I try to teach my two year olds to do and say each and every daycare day."

It went on to say that two year olds need to explore and climb and touch everything and basically all of the things I let my two year olds (and younger and older) do in a very controlled environment.

I read this and was consumed with something akin to guilt but it came off more as an accusing rebuttal to each and every point I read on the original post.

Do I really expect too much of my little people?

I tell them almost each and every day. "Your job is to be kind to each other and to be happy", it is as simple (and as hard) as that. I guess I should add "And don't break my house or my toys while you are being kind and happy".

I have limits and guidelines and no-kid-zones. I discourage running, screaming and rough housing in the house. Even outside, I like a "hands off" rule when it comes to kids man handling each other.

Do I micromanage my days? Possibly so. Do I make myself crazy while doing so? Probably. Do I have to do what I do and how I do it, to ensure we are all still standing at the end of the day? I believe this is my truth.

I've had parents question little bumps, bruises and scratches. I like to see with my own eyes what is happening throughout the day so I can explain any imperfection a parent may notice.

I have turned my back and had children "go wild" and climb toys that were never meant to be climbed and throw things that I have found in places where no toy should be found and someone ends up crying and I don't know the whole story and about a million other things.

So yes, I do my best to be 100% accountable but it is impossible to see all, know all and do all when you have five little people running about the house, so I have rules and expectations. I have a lot of rules.

I have another little motto when it comes to sharing "Just because you are bigger and stronger, doesn't mean you always win". I don't think a two year old should grab a toy from a four year old any more than I think the reverse is acceptable (when I am not watching, of course).

I miss so very many of these indiscretions that I'm sure it would make my head spin. Almost-four-year-olds seem to be notorious for being sneaky and I simply don't trust what I do not see.

The best I can do is have the same rules in place for all. Whether you are "one" or "two" or "four", you must be kind and try to be happy (aka: save crying for emergencies, not as a manipulative ploy). I don't want anyone to put toys in their mouth or standing/jumping on or off the furniture or bullying another or walking around the house with food or drink or a vast number of other house rules.

I need to keep all of my little people safe and contained within my reach. And I need to know my furniture and belongings will still be standing at the end of a daycare year.

Then there is the "sitting still" part.

Even I feel very odd if all of my kids are too still and too quiet. It is not natural. But it is necessary and a very good way to wind down into nap time, to be still and quiet as a part of our routine to lull their little brains and bodies into a restful state.

The same goes at meal time. Meals are a time when I insist on a calm and regulated atmosphere. There is a "no choking allowed" rule here and it is one I enforce within ounce of my control. Small bites. Chew and chew and chew and swallow before you take the next. No goofing around while you are eating. Manners, manners, manners. Yes, I do expect my little people to adhere to those rules too. Whether they are a year or twelve years. Meal time is not a time to be monkeying around.

I am such a grinch. I have such high expectations of my little daycare family. I am so busy supervising and monitoring and guiding that I forget to smile some days.

I have a little tape which rewinds and replays each and every daycare day. Be kind, be happy. Not just the kids. Me too!

Do better, be better, do as much as you can. Keep these children safe and happy and fed and rested and (relatively) clean.

I do what I do, so my parents can pick up their children intact at the end of the day. I just hope these guys are happy too.

Do I expect too much?

When the parent of my new one-year-old gazed at amazement when he saw his little guy sitting still at a little picnic table, with a (plastic) glass of water at the day's end he said, "He never sits like that! In fact, we've noticed a real difference in him since he started coming here. He sits and eats breakfast too ..."

I think this little guy was raised in a no "NO" zone before. They placed snacks in a place where he could graze and eat all day. He fell asleep on the couch when he was tired. Just by watching his mom with him (when he was trying to play with an electrical cord which I have securely attached to a table leg to keep it out harm's way), letting him explore and gently telling him "don't do that", but watching him do it anyway ... I am thinking that my way is so very different than their way.

Is that a bad thing?

Any time I feel a parent look at me in a manner which makes me question myself, I tell them I have to be strict. Because if I wasn't and had five kids "doing what they want to do", it would not be good for anyone.

I agree. Two year olds do not want to share or sit still and they do grab toys and like to climb on everything.

But isn't it our job to guide them into learning to share and sitting still at appropriate times and steering them towards places where they are allowed to climb, and encouraging appropriate behaviours so we can take them out in public?

I berate myself so much throughout my daycare days, that I do not appreciate these little "words of wisdom" to come and taunt me into believing I'm even worse than I thought I was. The truth of the matter, is that the reason these words struck such a chord within me is because I feel like I'm expecting too much of these guys. Or am I?

That is the question. Facebook, would you like to answer that one for me as well?

Guilt

Add one part guilt to an already overloaded equation of too much work and not enough play in my day and I was a small bit of a hot mess.

I felt like a petulant child as I drove to work yesterday morning. I didn't want to go. I needed to stay home. I should spend some time taking My Youngest out driving. Our Senior Cat needs to spend a 'cat day' with me. I. Need. To. Breathe.

So I did one thing.

I parked my car outside the house of my employer. And I made a call. I called My Youngest's father to see if he could take Our Son out driving. Please. I whined. I wanted to cry. But I didn't. I simply asked for help.

Then I worked. And it was good.

I came home with one of those pre-made suppers from the grocery store. A small roast chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy and Caesar salad. I moaned and belly ached (quietly) as I put our meal together. I got pots, pans and dishes dirty. It (felt like) it took forever to assemble our pre-made meal. Finally, finally it was ready.

My Son didn't like the smell of the pre-made mashed potatoes. "Put gravy on them. Gravy can save anything", I insisted. He didn't. He sprinkled a small amount of chicken over his Caesar salad and was happy.

I could have picked up McDonald's, had an instant, on-the-spot meal and thrown away all of the containers for the price of this 'luxurious' meal that I had assembled. All in the name of guilt. Granted, I have enough left overs to feed my daycare crowd lunch today. I also have chicken broth so I can make My Son's favorite meal - home made chicken soup. I couldn't have gotten that much mileage out of a McDonald's meal.

My Son is fifteen years old. He needs next to nothing from me (and that is about exactly what he has been getting). He does enjoy the odd 'home cooked' supper now and again (and that is about exactly all I have been providing for him over the course of my three-working-weekends). He simply needs me to take him out driving.

Last night I told him that I could cancel my blood donation appointment tonight so that we could go driving before his next driving lesson tomorrow. He seemed good with that. I think that is our plan. I am skipping out of a blood donation (I can easily rebook that), in favor of doing One Small Thing for My Son.

I had a dream this morning ...

My son and I were sitting in the living room savoring the moment (we were probably watching our cats ... my dream memory is very hazy on this point). All I know is that we were both absolutely, completely and totally in our glory. I said, "Let's skip today - you can skip school. I will call in sick. Let's just skip out on everything today."

It felt beyond marvellous. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of doing the right thing. My Son is almost grown and needs so very little from me. But we have our moments. And we were going to revel in them.

Then I woke up. Ahhh ... the idea of 'skipping school' with My Son still felt unimaginably wonderful.

So yes, I will reschedule my appointment to donate blood. I will go out driving with My Son. After we eat home made chicken soup. I will close my eyes and trust My Son's new driving skills. His head knows the mechanics of what he must do behind the wheel. He simply needs to practise. I need to relax and enjoy the moment.

I am going to appease my guilt tonight. And it will be good.