Connecting the Dots

Time is an elusive thing. Slipping through our fingers like water, assuming we have a tomorrow ahead of us and the many hours we mark that don't make an impact in our bank of memories.

Thank goodness we do have dates of significance that mark our time in history. Births, deaths, anniversaries, special occasions and all the little things that make a solid mark in our history.

This morning's thoughts started out because I remember the date my cousin's daughter's birth. We lived in the same city, this was the first baby I knew in an up close and personal way and my sister's oldest son was born a few weeks later (I would have to double check the date).

Remembering this one date spurred the connecting tissue of part of my family's history. My sister had children every two years, except the one two-year-span which was filled by the birth of my oldest child. I remember the year of his birth, thus I can count backward and forward to fill in the blanks of my sister's family. I can fill in the years of my other sister's children using similar connections. 

The year 2005 was a year of significance within our family. Three major life and death events happened during this year. Remember the year and one can discern the months of each of these events.

The year 2012 was the beginning of a time of loss within Mom & Dad's families. Start at 2012 and the number patterns trigger the memories of other dates of significance.

Memories resurface by connecting the dots within one's life. One event can start a domino effect of one thing connecting to another. Oh-so-many conversations unfold as one topic triggers the next and the next and all those following. 

I spent several years in the company of a relative whose memories were diminishing. Long term memories were intact but the short term ones were losing ground. Writing notes, notes and more notes couldn't make a lasting impression. She asked questions. So many questions. 

The more time I spent with my aunt, the less I took the ability to remember for granted. The more questions she asked, the more I appreciated the need to connect the dots to trigger a memory.

This morning, I sat down and wrote three pages of dates, connections, extended connections, byproducts of one connection to another and had small family history recollection. Simply by connecting the dots.

Up Before the Sun

I used to pride myself on being an early riser. I've slipped. 6:30 feels like a much saner time to get up and it works in all ways except ... the loss of those early morning hours I love so much.

The hours when it feels like no one else in the world is awake. Any time after 7 am feels like it is fair game for the world to intrude. The moment that feeling arises, something inside of me changes and I slip into a different mindset.

The sun is rising earlier these days and it feels good to be awake before the daylight starts to creep into the day.

I'm sitting in the dark, with a hot cup of coffee and I just kicked the cat out of the room. I. am. alone. (and it feels so good)

It is unfortunate the biggest incentive to get up earlier this morning is (are) a looming deadline(s) in my bookkeeping world. I feel like Mr. Incredible at the beginning of the movie "The Incredibles", as he decides to intercept a car chase, rescue a cat from a tree and nab a purse snatcher on the way to his wedding, while looking at the time and uttering, "I still have time..."

Time is running out and the sun is going to wake up soon. I'm running out of time.

Doing All the Things

Whew! I am so glad I know how to relax like a pro and grateful I stopped to pause when I did. Life has felt busy the past several days.

Saturday, I let the day slip through my fingers and savored every moment of it. It was a day of early morning errands so I wouldn't have to do any of those tasks in the days/week to follow. Followed by a day of mindless TV; easy eating; a little bit of snacking; and I was ready for bed shortly after 6:30.

"It's okay. You'll be glad you slept," I told myself as I headed for bed in the early hours of our long nights.

Sunday, I wanted to finish reading a book. So I did. I also wanted to get a head start on my work week. So I did that too. I had taken out hamburger so that had to be cooked. I knew Monday morning wouldn't be long enough so I prepared tuna salad for sandwiches the next day. I also knew I would be hard pressed to make time to wash my hair the next morning so I did that too.

Whew! It was a long, hard day but no regrets. Every single hard thing I did that day made room for Monday.

Month-end landing on a Monday is one of my most unfavorite things. What feels like a zillion things to do (in reality, probably between ten to twenty things), with the clock ticking every moment away. AND I somehow managed to book my COVID vaccination and flu shot Monday morning. As a rule, all of the hard end-of-the-month-tasks are tended to, by the 30th. So booking an appointment on the 31st isn't an unreasonable choice to make. C'est la vie.

Never again, but I got all the things done.

I soon realized my appointment to donate blood was today. The first of the month. Again, not normally unreasonable thinking to book such an appointment. When I realized the errors of my ways, all I could think was "It will be nice to get all of that done and over with so quickly". It will be, but this morning's morning tasks were doubled up with my own personal month-end-accounting and banking and figuring. 

The clock is ticking and I must get out the door. All the things will be done before noon today. 

I get to celebrate my success by taking my aunt to her quarterly appointment at the lab.

Fun times never end. Tomorrow, I will be on easy street again.

It's a good thing I rested. 

Time Warp

Time has a magical way of ticking away no matter if one is sleeping or awake.

I started waking up early enough to give myself two bonus morning hours. The first few days were magical. Every time I looked at the clock, I patted myself on the back. I would have still been sleeping at this time last week. Each extra morning minute was a blessing.

Then life happened.

I started "doing all the hard things" so when my work day began, I had no tasks, phone calls, follow-ups or chores left. I opened my office door and worked with little distraction. I got things accomplished, in and out of that little office.

Then technology failed me.

I have oh-so-many tales to tell. One issue resolved is filled up by the next which had been silently waiting in line. I ticked off the boxes, fixed all I could fix myself and called for help when necessary. What would have buried me back in my early days of "computering" was managed sufficiently. 

Then came the challenges I brought on myself. "Oh no! The dishwasher isn't working right!!" I had forgotten I had run a rinse cycle the last time I used it; changed the settings; fixed. "Oh no! The kettle isn't working either!!" I had forgot to turn it on. "Oh no!! The microwave won't work!!" That one required outside assistance in the form of a might handy son. "Oh no! I can't sign into [something I set up last week]" I was accessing the account from the wrong site. 

Sometimes? We create our own havoc.

Yesterday, all was going according to plan. Until it wasn't. A phone call that was supposed to be a cut and dried answer and fix to my dilemma took an hour before I had to abandon ship and tend to incoming work calls and text messages. 

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. So I left.Two prior unsuccessful attempts to make bank deposits for my employer resulted in my decision to make this deposit close to home at (what I thought would be) a time when the bank wasn't busy. A chivalrous young person opened the door for me to enter and I repaid the favor by ensuring they got their place in front of me in the non-existent line. Their turn arrived swiftly. Mine didn't. Ten minutes in line. Five minutes with a new teller learning the ropes. Tick. Tick. Tick.

I had barely left home when the "check engine light" came on. Today? Really? Why do things feel like they compound on an already challenging day?

Another busy day at the office resulted in my mind pinging from one task to the next, fielding tasks which used to fall outside my realm of duty. Talking on the land line, when my cell phone rings is becoming part of my new reality. It happened again. And again. 

Finally, finally, finally!! The end of my day was nearing when I received an important call back in regards to my second job at the EXACT moment my son walked in the back door. I had to abandon (what I assumed would be) a brief face-to-face encounter with family, for the sake of duty.

Sigh.

I toyed with the idea of stopping at the store and picking up some chips at the end of my very long day (made even longer by getting up two hours early!), but talked myself out of it. I just wanted to go home.

How would the day have unfolded if I hadn't gotten up early? How did those hours vanish into thin air? Would I have maintained my sense of peace without those bonus morning hours? Perhaps not.

Even when one grants themselves a little extra time it often gets lost as the day progresses. If something you do brings a sense of calm into what may or may not become a hectic day, do it anyway. You deserve it.

If I Could Save Time in a Bottle ...

If I could save time in a bottle, the first thing that I'd want to do ... would be to buy a bigger bottle.

In my one week journey to live a more intentional life and try to fit in all I should do, along with all I want to do I have discovered my uncanny knack to use up whatever time I have at hand.

A weekend of not having to work in my day job(s) was bliss. Oh, sweet glorious time! But (surprise, surprise!), I filled up my time effortlessly. 

Between yard work, house work, meal planning and company (yes!!! I have actual face-to-face people contact and company on weekends!!), I barely had time to catch up on the backlog of puzzles I hadn't had time to do over the course of last week. 

This is actually a pleasant surprise. I accomplished small things every day. I cooked and ate well. I wasn't consumed by TV, Internet and my phone. I ended each day with a small list of things I wish I would have had time for. 

Time. Are we all masters of using up whatever time we are given? In an effort to simply add a few basics into my regular ordinary life, I am scrambling to find a new equilibrium. 

I tried adding 15 minutes of some extra-curricular stretching, yoga or some form of exercise to help strengthen, tone and make my body just a little more limber. Too much, too soon? 

Time is such a fleeting thing. If you could save time in a bottle how would you choose to fill it?

Gift to Self

I fritter away time like no one's business. When asked what I do in a day, I may be hard pressed to recall. But lately I have been hyper-vigilant in tracking my time and it amazes even me. I spend an awful lot of time doing things of little value. Or do I???

I feel like this has been a week (okay, two days out of seven) of walking around with a screwdriver. Fixing things. Tightening things. Moving latches and screwing them back in place. Tis the season of "shifting". Doors and gates don't close the way they did a week ago. Having had a screwdriver in my hand, I tend to notice a wobbly stool, loose cupboard door handles and why the heck did that bifold door fall off the track (I did it - I accidentally closed a mop handle in the immovable side of the door flush to the wall but did not notice the handle in said location until after watching a YouTube video on how to fix a bifold door).

There went (perhaps) an hour, maybe an hour and fifteen minutes all tolled, of my week. Where did the rest go?

Cat hair. Can I just say the allure of a hairless cat is starting to appeal to me? Where does the hair on a hairless cat go? Do they grow it and shed it? Or to they simply have a chronic case of alopecia and baldness means no new hair growth at all? Vacuuming, picking up, lint-brushing cat hair off of any surface cat hair can waft onto is consuming more of my time (now that I have a 100% cat hair free zone in my little home-away-from-home, I tend to notice cat hair more than ever before). Even at that, on an average, I cannot claim that cat hair removal claims any more than a half hour ten minutes per day.

Podcasts. My newest favorite thing. I believe I spend that time wisely as I combine listening to fun, inspiring and thought provoking topics while I do what I have done every morning for years. I listen while I work on my morning puzzles, sip on my morning smoothie and have my second (often third) cup of coffee. Now there is a full hour of my day, not counting the time I spend prior to and after the podcast, tending to banking and other computerized chores (grocery shopping), where I need to concentrate too hard to listen to a podcast at the same time. Let's say I spend two hours of the morning at the computer.

Morning pages. I have recently discovered if I have a smooth writing pen and write really, really fast without interruption, I can speed through three, 8-1/2" X 11" pages in half an hour to 35 minutes. Add the prep time to make my coffee and make my way to my quiet little writing spot and the amount of distractions it takes to get me from pre-morning pages to post-morning pages and there is another hour gone. POOF!

Cat litter. A separate paragraph and a separate thought from cat hair. Daily. On-going. A chore my daughter was/is willing to share with me but my inane perfectionist mind has convinced me it is easier to do it myself. I can always find an extra chore to add onto the litter cleaning. A five minute job probably rounds up to fifteen minutes some days. But I take weekends off. So there!

Vacuuming, bathing, showering, taking out garbage/recycling, shoveling snow, preparing my supper-to-go, taking time to stop and "chew" (my morning smoothie and coffee only takes me to about 10:30 and then the need for solid sustenance intervenes). Mail-checking, email-checking, message-checking, message-responding ... 

Oh!!!! The many, many distractions I opt in on. I tend to call these distractions "cleansing my palate" in the midst of my work-from-home day. I get my head in a mathematical problem and tend to think I need to walk away for a moment. Yes! That ONE piece of paper needs to go to the recycling bin by the back door immediately. Yes! I need to quickly check in on Instagram to see if any of the "talking dogs/cats" (people actually train their dogs/cats to speak to them with buttons to cue their humans to what they want/need); groundhogs; and other human critters with less hair I choose to follow and entertain me.

Distractions quite easily eat up (possibly) two hours out of a day. One day when I'm really bored (or in the need of "cleansing my palate"), I should track the time I loose to my various distracting habits.

Oh yes, then there is work. My actual job! Amazingly, it eats up a fair chunk of my day too. I am getting much better at working smarter. Or is it just called "working one job per day" for five days, in the past three weeks. Oh, there is nothing like being able to JUST STAY HOME until the work one wants to complete in a day is done. I called in "work" (not sick) from my second form of income one day and it was so intoxicating, I asked for a few more days off the following week, followed by an offer of one final day off this week. It was the best un-holiday I've ever had. When I grow up, I hope to have only ONE job ...

Am I whining? Complaining? Making excuses? Not intentionally. It may sound like it, but I am grateful for this cat-hairy, distracted, work-filled, people-filled life I lead. How I choose to spend my hours IS a choice. 

I could opt to invest my hours very differently than I do. The miracle of waking up every morning is that each day is a bright new set of options. 

Today?? I gave myself a little gift. I have chosen to sit still with this little blog space I used to call home and write. Just write.

Nothing big, small or indifferent to say. No lessons, no ranting, no carrying on about the myriad of thoughts in this busy little brain of mine. Just the little stuff. The inane. The act of choosing my daily grind in various ways with lots of room to adapt with the flow of whatever life throws my way.

Sitting down and typing (verses hand writing my morning pages) feels like an entirely different experience. I have been using my "gift" of computer time to spreadsheets, work-related emails, tax & accounting programs during my work-day, with a side order of puzzles, podcasts and on-line grocery shopping/banking for fun. I forgot how much I once enjoyed just letting my fingers fly over the keyboard and seeing what they have to say.

Apparently my fingers had much to say about nothing. I wish you a day of following your choices and hoping it takes you where you most need to be.

Today, may you give yourself the gift of spending time doing something that brings you joy. 

Juggling Time

My world has shifted on its axis just a little bit in the form of a revised sleep schedule which has left me scrambling for time when I savor it the most.

My son will be performing in a play which has comes with a great time commitment. Since parking in and around his place of education comes at a hefty price, I have been on "pick-up" detail. This has been ongoing since his first day back to school. Four weeks of rehearsals plus one week during the performance. Rehearsals are a four to five hour commitment, Monday through Saturday throughout the duration.

This has required me to shift my preferred sleeping hours by about two hours. My early morning wake up time which gave me most of the morning time I crave is lacking. Yes, I have gained that time in the evening but I come home at the end of my days thoroughly depleted. Two extra waking hours in the evening are lost on me.

I am not making the most of the hours I have at my disposal. This is not new. It is simply an adjustment of what I had made work for me in the past.

I have not carved out time to write "just for me". I tried adjusting writing three, 8-1/2" X 11" long hand morning pages routine into a half hour commitment. Or three small pages. Or listening to inspirational podcasts or videos. I can't do it all. I have a hard time honing in on one of the above.

This week, I thought I would try to write during the time it takes my son to shower. Approximately fifteen minutes. This morning I have squandered my time explaining one of the many varied excuses I have for not showing up.

Life is fluid. The need to change, shift and adapt is a requirement. The ability to be flexible has been challenging me for a very long time.

Perhaps it was time to try out a new morning schedule. The need to have an after work hours life would most likely be beneficial. We'll see how this goes. Two and a half more weeks to go. Then the schedule will morph into something new.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I hate change. I know change is good for me, a requirement for living and being adaptable is a positive thing. I'll focus on the positives.

Tomorrow, nothing but positive energy will flow out of these fingers of mine.

Could I Please Have Two More Hours?

Remember the bonus two hours I wrote about in my previous post? I guess I must have needed them because I am still falling behind by two hours or so.

Two unexpected errands on my way home wiped out my memory of the two errands I had planned to run. Whoops.

I may (or may not have) remembered except for the fact that I came home and the lawn still needed to be mowed.

It was 8:30 p.m. and I finally walked in the door.

Instead of doing all the things I had planned to do, I climbed into my pajamas and snuggled up in front of the TV. The end.

I thought waking up at 4:00 this morning would give me the bonus hour I needed. I was wrong.

It has been twelve hours since yesterday wound down to a close. I could sure use a few more hours before this day kicks into gear.

Two bonus hours would be very nice right about now. Serves me right. I shouldn't have frittered away last night. No one to blame but myself.

I'm just glad it's Friday.

Happy Long Weekend to All!! May you enjoy your bonus day!!!

Two Hours

I got off work two hours early yesterday and it felt like I gained a day.

I not only had time to run an errand on my way home but I was home in time for supper. Energized by being home so early, I did a load of laundry, vacuumed the basement, cooked up some chicken and tended "cat chores" to make this morning run a little smoother.

It was so easy to hop out of bed this morning without "all of the above" looming over my head and beckoning to be done before I left for work today.

It feels good to wake up to a clean slate. This morning was all about list-making and getting everything that needs to be done before the weekend, done.

There are so many loose ends to tie up. At home and at work. It was a very good day to have two extra hours at my disposal.

For me, ambition often results in more ambition.

What did I do with all the nooks and crannies this morning? I cleaned our square kitchen sink [side note: if you use your kitchen for more ornamental and serviceable purposes, I don't know if you may want one for regular kitchen usage]; I cleaned the crevices of our printer; I sorted/organized our freezer foods a little; I washed another load of laundry; and basically started crossing a few things off my list of tomorrow's things-to-do list.

It seems to matter not, what time I try to create for myself in the morning, I can fritter it away like nobody's business [hmmm ... if it's nobody's business, why am I writing about it?].

I love my mornings. This morning was especially enjoyable due to the two bonus hours I had at my disposal yesterday.

How can we create those "bonus hours" for ourselves? Perhaps that is why some stay up late at night and others get up earlier in the morning. Maybe that is why we sleep in, run late and rush to do too many things in too short of a time period.

If we don't intentionally create the time we need, we make do in other ways.

For me, getting up early is where it's at. But the gift of two unexpected hours off of work is a gift like no other. I'm glad I didn't waste it.

Back to School!

Our students are presently enjoying either their last official day at school or their first day of summer holidays today and what did I find in yesterday's mail? A magazine advertising a large chain store with "Back to School" articles featured on the cover.

Honestly?

Is it not bad enough that you can start buying Easter candy right after Valentine's Day; Hallowe'en costumes in the middle of the summer; and Christmas descends upon the stores in September? Can't we give our kids the opportunity to seize the day and enjoy their first days of holidays without bombarding them with back to school advertising?

I remember how the time dragged when I was a kid. It felt like I would never get to the next grade and the wait from one school holiday to the next felt like an eternity. I felt like I was young for forever. Nowadays? Time seems to be going by quickly even for children.

Occupying every moment of the day, fast forwarding from one holiday to the next and simply being caught up in our present day world where we aren't truly present is detracting from simply enjoying the moment you are in.

Granted, there are times when I am grateful the moment doesn't last forever. But for those of you who are enjoying a first day of holidays, celebrating the completion of an onerous task or simply waking up to a day like any other ... may the world stop spinning for a moment so you can savor the good stuff.

Time

Time is an elusive thing to me. When I have it, I fritter it away. When I lack it, I use it as an excuse. I can do hard things. I just have to find make the time.

Mornings are where it's at for me. I can do hard things in the morning. I enjoy frittering away my mornings but how I start my day sets the tone for the hours that follow.

Evenings signal quiet, slowing down and low expectations. During our renovations, I managed to do what had to be done at the end of my long days away from home. But I felt depleted instead of energized.

Weekends are "my time". Time to do what revives me. Most of the time I do precious little. Again, prior and during the renovation, I did a lot more with my weekends. Generally, I had one day of accomplishing things. A second day to rest.

I believe I have lost my balance. I seem to be moving in slow motion. The post reno days have not been a time of great accomplishment.

This morning, I decided to make the time to update the photos which adorn our hallway. I ordered the pictures one day, picked them up the next, rested on the third day and changed them this morning.

I can't figure out how one picture used to hang. I either broke something or my son figured out a way to make a missing picture hanger work.

The arrangement and precisely balanced group of photos has been tampered with. Now, in place of a picture of my three sons, I have an empty nail.

One step ahead, two steps back. It's a little bit how time feels to me. I'm given an hour, I waste two. Then I wonder why I don't get anything done.

One Step Ahead, With an Eye on the Future

We are almost halfway through February. We are past the midpoint of winter. We have endured the shortest day and the added number of sunlight hours is starting to become noticeable.

This is the part of winter I normally find the hardest to endure. I'm tired of it all, ready to sit in a sunbeam and start thinking about spring.

This year however? Our winter is passing and I'm going with the flow of life with relative ease.

I have had a few other winters such as this. Once I was knee deep into a correspondence course; another time I took on collecting memories from Mom's family. This year, is the Winter of Home Renovations.

My thoughts are consumed with the transformation within our walls. I come home from work eager to check on the progress that happened in our absence. As I dust off the surfaces we will need to use the next morning, I marvel at all that is new and improved within these four walls.

I didn't jump into this renovation. I have thought, rethought and talked myself out of doing anything around here for years. I knew once the process was in motion, it would grow into something that would become larger than my weary mind (and budget) could process.

I was right. Our entire main floor (minus the bathroom, for the moment) is involved in this home makeover. I'm spending money like I haven't spent money before. My resources are being taxed to the max. I knew it would become "this". I'm so glad I waited. I wasn't ready before now.

I often think of Mom, as she always seemed to have ideas for her home. Whether it was a sun room, a counter top, flooring, a book shelf or simply painting the bathroom with a little leftover paint she already had on hand ... she seemed to have unlimited ideas of what she would like to update next.

She would often make a comment about it being nice to have new thoughts to think. Whether it was an update within her home, having company or even stepping out to the mall, she knew she needed to stop the cycle of thoughts and would look for a diversion to intercept her thinking.

It is most likely because I remember how Mom enjoyed finding ways to update and improve her home that I feel her so strongly within my thoughts as I walk this particular walk. She would definitely have opinions and I would have been easily swayed by her thoughts. I am finding myself very compliant with others' opinions. I know what I DO want (the rounded corners were a must and there have been some other things I knew without a doubt), but the kitchen sink, baseboards, light fixtures and all the fine tuning? I am glad to have input and opinions.

There have been so many thoughts to think and so many decisions to make. And it has all been easy. So easy. No regrets. Very little over-thinking. I have been preparing myself for this for years.

My thoughts have been consumed with new thoughts. I am envisioning what our new and improved home will look and feel like as the days lengthen and the sun starts shining into these renewed rooms.

Due to the fact that we don't use our three upstairs bedrooms, I have had the doors to these rooms closed for a very long time (to keep the cats and cat hair out of them). When the doors used to be open, the blinds were closed. Presently, all doors and blinds have been removed. A few mornings ago, as the sun was starting to shine I noticed light from down the hallway. I thought I had left a light on. It was the sun starting to rise and beaming through the room I would like to become know as my "sunny room".

Mom designated her "sun room" to me, meaning I should have the contents of that room. I laughed and said I'd just take the whole room. This planted a seed within me. I would love to have a sun room but it is purely impractical at this time. We have a home that has three empty bedrooms within it. The last thing we need is to add another room. Thus, I decided I would like to turn the room formerly known as "Mom's Room" into a "Sunny Room".

Yes, my head has been full of new and improved thoughts. So much lightness, so many fleeting thoughts of Mom and Dad ... so many thoughts that we are through the worst of winter and I have barely even noticed.

Time flies when you are focused on new thoughts, brighter horizons and looking one step beyond where you are right now. Looking too far ahead is too big, too tall and too scary. One step ahead is a very good place to go.

Creating More of the Same

Am I the only person who seems to be drawn to recreating their world based on the way things have always been?

The first time I noticed this, was when it started to feel as though there may not be a scarcity of money within my budget.

My monthly finances have flip-flopped immensely this year. The end of my trips to see Mom equalled less car expenses plus more income. This, in and of itself has created a brand new situation within my life. There is money left over at the end of the month.

I then examined my spending habits of the prior year and created a budget based on annual car/house maintenance; income tax; house insurance; vet bills; and gifts. Suddenly, the excess income at the end of the month was not enough to cover "all of the above".

"Ahhh! Now this is what I am used to. Bring it on!"

There have been a few unexpected windfalls come my way. I feel uncomfortable with these funds and I simply couldn't relax until I recreated the scarcity sensation which is part of who I am.

I paid off my mortgage and was short $388.18 which I paid from the excess funds at the end of the month. Thus, creating a shortfall with my budgeted allotment with which I was to pay off my credit card. I had to find some creative ways to finance the remainder of the week to keep my budget balanced. The moment I was scrambling for funds again, I felt this huge exhale of relief fall out of my body.

"Ahhh! Now THIS is what I'm used to feeling!"

The calmness which took over the reins of my anxiety was intoxicating. I was content. I was back where I felt comfortable.

I sit here this morning, after contacting Revenue Canada, washing up some strawberries, slicing up sandwich-ready fillers and washing a load of clothes. I am presently gulping down my last cup of coffee for the morning and writing this post, when I should be hopping into the tub and heading out the door.

"Ahhh! Now THIS feels familiar!"

Creating a scarcity of time sensation is tricky within my world, where I could easily have all the time I wish for. The need to feel rushed as I make my way out the door is comfortable and feels "right".

I became accustomed to running out to Mom's. Sometimes with a purpose, other times "just because" but most of all I went out so I could be there as needed.

I walked out the door a few mornings ago with the tools I needed to provide some foot comfort for my 80 year and older lady friends. One needed a sliver pulled out. The other could use some relief for a corn. I packed up my tweezers and moleskin and once again I sighed ...

"Ahhh! I feel needed. All is right in my world."

I have walked along side my Oldest Son as he has tended to an eye infection and we have spent more time together in the past week or so, than we have all year. "You should have a job where you take care of people" he commented.

My heart clenched in fear. It feels good to feel needed. But when the need passes and you will never see the one you have tended to again, it creates a void which sometimes feels impossible to fill.

I step back and evaluate my world where I keep recreating the life I have had. I am good at some things. Not so good at others. My most powerful motivator has been "scarcity".

Last year, I knew in my heart of hearts, that my ability to spend time with Mom was winding to a close. I wanted to be wrong. I begged to be wrong. But I kept filling my time with those trips out to see her. Scarcity motivated me and moved me to exactly where I needed and wanted to be.

It's a hard habit to break but living with the feeling that there is never enough has gotten me to where I am. The reality is, is that there is ALWAYS enough. No matter how little time, money or energy I felt I had, there was ALWAYS enough.

I was always enough. Even though it never felt that way at the time.

Scarcity and me. We are good friends. Maybe I should try to end this toxic relationship. I don't know? It's worked for me. I keep recreating more of the same. It's no wonder habits are a hard thing to break.

I'll Take an Hour, Please

I have done more with "one hour" these past few days than I have done with a week the past several years.

Hallelujah! I feel like one small piece of me is finding its way home.

Now, what is the key??

A goal, a deadline or a reward seems to be what's in it to win it for me.

I tricked myself into going away for the weekend because I told myself I could back out at any time. No one was expecting me to do anything. The choice was all mine.

I needed that back-out clause. I have somehow created the belief that I must do things and that need is suffocating me.

By creating a way to cancel without hurting anyone's feelings or letting anyone down, I played a little game of "if I don't go, I will have everything done and I can just sit back and do what I want to do all weekend".

It worked like a charm.

I did go away and I returned to a home that was exactly has I left it, thanks to my Youngest Son who is pretty much perfect that way. He doesn't create work for me. He is a godsend. In so many ways...

That was followed up by a half hour gift at the end of a daycare day. Everyone was gone a half hour earlier than normal. That half hour, combined with the other half hour that I normally fritter away, became enough time to mow and trim the lawn. I had five minutes to grab some food and settle in to watch Dancing With the Stars.

Last night, I had a meeting with someone who needed help with their income tax. I had exactly one hour and five minutes between the time my daycare family left and she arrived.

Before I knew it, I was racing out the door to buy groceries. I didn't have time to pick up take-out food on my way home but I knew a fast meal I could make. I made supper, put away groceries, ate and even had time to brush my teeth before she arrived.

She apologized all over the place for making me rush around after my busy work day and I assured her that I normally use my "day job" as an excuse to sit and do absolutely nothing at the end of the day. I thanked her for the gift of that hour to do more than I normally accomplish all night.

My daycare days are busier. And the phone just keeps on ringing. It isn't ringing off the hook, but my spots are filling up as they are becoming vacant.

My daycare is "full" and I have a waiting list. An opportunity to take on some extra work helping someone with their income tax came out of no where.

I am busier than I have been for a very long time. And I am getting more "extracurricular" work done around the house than I have done for even longer than that.

Funny how that works.

Give me a year and I'll take six years to do the job. Give me a week and I'll take a month. But give me an hour?? And I'll get more done than I would have done with five more of those hours.

I'll take an hour any day of the week!

Oozing Happy and To-Do-Lists

I have discovered one thing, these past few weeks. For me, it is easier to write a book than it is to plan a reunion!

Perhaps that is why it took me took six years to complete our family book project. I mastered the art of procrastination and never forced myself to work at it.

A reunion, however, is a totally different ball of wax.

If I was to sit down and write these days, my words would sound like a to-do-list in paragraph form. I keep finding and adding and fine tuning all-that-I-think-must-be-done.

There is a deadline this time. I am responsible for making sure we are there on the deadline. That is it. That was all I had to do. It was my bright idea to add a few little 'challenges' (namely, a program and a liquor license) to the mix.

I think it will all be worth it in the end. Just a little something to help us pass the time as a group of mild-mannered relatives gather under one roof. I think a glass of wine and a little entertainment will go quite well with that.

Tending to all-of-the-above and life in general has eaten up my early waking hours these past three days.

Hopefully tomorrow will be different.

But even if it is not, that is fine by me. I like this pace. I'm 'oozing' happy for no good reason. Other than the fact that I do believe I'm living life at a pace that is good for me.

I look forward to sitting still with my thoughts very soon though. I also feel like I'm missing a little bit of 'something' when I live at this pace for too long.

Time for quiet reflection is my favorite time of all. It will return. And when it does, I hope my words find their way back to my fingertips.

In the meantime, this is just a little ditty to remind myself that I am still here. I'll be back writing in full force again very soon.

Time

The days are getting shorter but I just gained a month!

I wrote a letter to my mom yesterday (instead of a blog post) and was belaboring the fact that 'three months from now' it would be Christmas. But it won't!! It will just be November. It may not even be snowing. Mom is going to be confused. I will have to prewarn her that I have forgotten how to count. Then again, she may not get the letter...

I addressed Mom's envelope on autopilot. I may have written her address on it. I may have written my own. The addresses are so intertwined in my subconscious mind, I have mailed her letter to myself more often that I can remember. Normally, I have a good look at the letter before I drop it into the mailbox and it becomes the property of the post office until it reaches its destination. Yesterday, it slipped out of my hands before I had a good look at it. I wonder where it will go ...

Her letter did have a stamp on it. Two, in fact (I must have thought I wrote some interesting blogs last week because her envelope was plump). I went through a phase at the beginning of this year when I forgot to put stamps on my outgoing mail. I have no idea what was going through my mind when this happened not once, not twice but at least three times. I would get all excited to see a personally addressed letter in my mailbox, only to discover it was my own handwriting. You can't mail a letter for free, folks. Believe me, I have (unintentionally) tried. The post office sends it back to you.

I do believe her letter was more interesting than this post-thus-far.

I was going to write about our shorter days. And the need to wear socks and a sweater in the mornings. I want to turn on the furnace to warm things up around here. But it is only August! Last week, I was sweltering in the heat. I am not going to bring out my winter wardrobe and turn on artificial heat this soon in the season!

One week from today, our children (in this neck of the woods) will be officially starting their first full day of school. The summer has felt endless on one hand (the heat, oh! the heat made me wish for some of those days to pass) and like it has gone by in a flash on the other. Time speeds up once the school year starts. The school years go faster each year. We are now officially on warp speed.

One year from now, I will be writing about my Youngest Son starting Grade 12. Talk about time flying by. My heart aches at the swiftness in which these past sixteen years have passed ....

As the longest day winds its way down to the shortest and then back again, another year is going to slip through my fingers.

Time creeps by yet it speeds up at the same time.

What am I accomplishing? What do I have to show my days - long or short? No matter how long the sun shines we are given the same twenty four hours, each and every morning.

Why do I have the feeling I am frittering away the best days of my life...

"Time is free, but it's priceless. 

You can't own it, but you can use it. 

You can't keep it, but you can spend it. 

Once you've lost it you can never get it back.” 

~ Harvey MacKay

Countdown

I never did like the 'countdown' of hours-left-to-go-before-I-go-to-work.

Afternoon shifts were my nemesis. Nothing could be fully enjoyed because there was a continual time-check throughout the day. Four more hours. Ahhh. Three more hours. Quick! Time is running out. Two more hours. Minor anxiety in chest. One more hour. There is no time left. Half an  hour. I wonder how much I could squeeze in before I really have to go. Five minutes. I need more time!!

Then came the time when I truly felt that I had this whole countdown thing down to an art. I was in super-nesting-daycare-preparing-to-become-a-wife mode. I cooked, I cleaned, I organized, I was super-woman. Hear me roar! Oh, the things that I squeezed into that time that I carved out for myself before my early daycare day started.

This was followed by a year of education, a year of working from home then the finale - a year of working outside my home.

The education year? I was still superwoman, only I was having fun. I still ran my daycare before and after school and I completed my studies during regular school hours. I worked at a bookkeeping job part time. I danced! Oh, how I danced!! It was a perfect year of a well choreographed life. I was living, learning, working, moving and shaking. The game of 'How much time do I  have left?' became 'How quickly can I get my work done, so that I make the most of my time off?' It was a most wonderful use of my time!

The year of working from home was a close second to the year-of-education. Unfortunately I wasn't earning quite enough to pay the bills. I was still master of my time. Living my life, doing what I wanted and needed to do took priority. I got my work done in the cracks of living-my-life. Perhaps this was the beginning of the end of my productive time management skills. Housework took a back seat, cooking was becoming a feat of providing food (frozen food entrées became the norm) and I was honing the fine art of procrastination.

The year of working outside of my home was the year that everything came unravelled. I woke up at the same time each morning, got ready for work and waited for the phone to ring. Or not. These were times of high anxiety. The ringing of the phone dictated my life. It told me where to go. Every day was a new surprise. I needed the phone to ring because I needed to work. Yet the closer the clock got to the 'deadline' of starting a day on time, the more I wanted the phone not to ring. I accomplished next to nothing during that time. I existed. I survived.

Then came the year that I finally came back 'home' and restarted my daycare.

Now, my weekdays are very predictable. I know what time my kids start arriving and my parents are absolutely awesome about picking up their children on time. I can actually make plans again!

I write. I write here, there and everywhere. I squeeze writing into the cracks of my life and I am actually earning a small income from it. Writing is taking over the spot where house cleaning used to live. The house is a mess but my heart is more content. Priorities.

Then there is my bookkeeping. It is the job that is probably the basis of my retirement plan. I know that I will have to work as long as I breathe and I simply can't see tending children when I am 80. The business of tending numbers could be my bread and butter one day. I like the challenge, I enjoy working with numbers (trust me, after the year-of-working-outside-of-my-home taught me that I like black/white; wrong/right; balance-to-zero equations far more than I enjoy the phrase "Use your judgement!"). The only downfall to my bookkeeping job is that it has become the job that I am doing the Final Countdown as the hours melt away before I must leave for work.

I stared at the ceiling fan in my bedroom this morning thinking "If I get up now, I will have three hours". I got up and each step along the way, I am counting down the hours-left-to-go before I must leave my home (it is down to under an hour at the moment).

I wrote that paragraph, then checked to see what time the Oil Change store opens this morning. It turns out that I could leave right this moment, get my oil changed on my way to work and arrive just on time. I am back in the business of squeezing in the very last morsel of time before my work-days begin.

Now ... if only I was as concerned about cleaning windows or writing a book, I would have it made in the shade.

It is coming. I can feel it. My heart is slowing down and I am getting acclimatized to the renewed tempo of my life. Work, leisure, friends, family and down-time are all falling into a nice pace. I am regaining a little bit of everything. And with it? Myself.

The final countdown is on and I must run. But it is a good run. I'm not winded when I get there. I enjoy the destination and I love coming home.

Time is on my side once again. I am still counting down the time but I'm finding the rewards once again.