Creating More of the Same

Am I the only person who seems to be drawn to recreating their world based on the way things have always been?

The first time I noticed this, was when it started to feel as though there may not be a scarcity of money within my budget.

My monthly finances have flip-flopped immensely this year. The end of my trips to see Mom equalled less car expenses plus more income. This, in and of itself has created a brand new situation within my life. There is money left over at the end of the month.

I then examined my spending habits of the prior year and created a budget based on annual car/house maintenance; income tax; house insurance; vet bills; and gifts. Suddenly, the excess income at the end of the month was not enough to cover "all of the above".

"Ahhh! Now this is what I am used to. Bring it on!"

There have been a few unexpected windfalls come my way. I feel uncomfortable with these funds and I simply couldn't relax until I recreated the scarcity sensation which is part of who I am.

I paid off my mortgage and was short $388.18 which I paid from the excess funds at the end of the month. Thus, creating a shortfall with my budgeted allotment with which I was to pay off my credit card. I had to find some creative ways to finance the remainder of the week to keep my budget balanced. The moment I was scrambling for funds again, I felt this huge exhale of relief fall out of my body.

"Ahhh! Now THIS is what I'm used to feeling!"

The calmness which took over the reins of my anxiety was intoxicating. I was content. I was back where I felt comfortable.

I sit here this morning, after contacting Revenue Canada, washing up some strawberries, slicing up sandwich-ready fillers and washing a load of clothes. I am presently gulping down my last cup of coffee for the morning and writing this post, when I should be hopping into the tub and heading out the door.

"Ahhh! Now THIS feels familiar!"

Creating a scarcity of time sensation is tricky within my world, where I could easily have all the time I wish for. The need to feel rushed as I make my way out the door is comfortable and feels "right".

I became accustomed to running out to Mom's. Sometimes with a purpose, other times "just because" but most of all I went out so I could be there as needed.

I walked out the door a few mornings ago with the tools I needed to provide some foot comfort for my 80 year and older lady friends. One needed a sliver pulled out. The other could use some relief for a corn. I packed up my tweezers and moleskin and once again I sighed ...

"Ahhh! I feel needed. All is right in my world."

I have walked along side my Oldest Son as he has tended to an eye infection and we have spent more time together in the past week or so, than we have all year. "You should have a job where you take care of people" he commented.

My heart clenched in fear. It feels good to feel needed. But when the need passes and you will never see the one you have tended to again, it creates a void which sometimes feels impossible to fill.

I step back and evaluate my world where I keep recreating the life I have had. I am good at some things. Not so good at others. My most powerful motivator has been "scarcity".

Last year, I knew in my heart of hearts, that my ability to spend time with Mom was winding to a close. I wanted to be wrong. I begged to be wrong. But I kept filling my time with those trips out to see her. Scarcity motivated me and moved me to exactly where I needed and wanted to be.

It's a hard habit to break but living with the feeling that there is never enough has gotten me to where I am. The reality is, is that there is ALWAYS enough. No matter how little time, money or energy I felt I had, there was ALWAYS enough.

I was always enough. Even though it never felt that way at the time.

Scarcity and me. We are good friends. Maybe I should try to end this toxic relationship. I don't know? It's worked for me. I keep recreating more of the same. It's no wonder habits are a hard thing to break.