It's All Going to Be Okay. Again.

Here I go again. Rinse and repeat. It is Friday all over again. Except it is Saturday. I have offered to work at my bookkeeping job today. I have an early Monday morning appointment, followed by a Monday filled with commitments. I have re-created the "one day weekend". Again.

I shake my head in wonder. Why do I keep doing this? Here I go again. Recreating the scarcity of down-time I am accustomed to feeling. Except ...

Except it feels different this time.

I am revelling in the fact that I have the energy to make these offers without feeling the deep, sinking feeling that I am depriving myself of oxygen at the same time. I CAN do this.

Accomplishment, commitment and issuing invitations are breathing life into me again. The very thing that has brought me to my knees all winter long is finally revitalizing me. Again.

Life has come full circle one more time. This keeps happening. The ups, the downs, the highs, the lows, the energy, the depletion, the ability to say "yes" to life and the ache of having to be sociable.

This past winter felt endless. As did my cycle downward. I thought this may be the time I just stayed "down". It felt safe and comfortable and easy down there. I've dabbled in the state of feeling depressed before but I never got this comfortable with it.

It scared me a little bit. Enough, that I have made an appointment to talk to someone about this. I was on a waiting list all winter. And now, just as I am climbing my way out and out of this little funk of mine, my name is at the top of the list.

Part of me wonders if there is any sense in going now that I feel "healed" and over the worst of this. The analytical part of me is saying, "Go anyway! You need a road map to follow for the next time. Because there is always a next time. Always."

I have gone back and reread some of what I have written throughout the years. This cycle is not new. I have always had a life which seemed to go from extreme highs to extreme lows. Then life seemed to even itself out and those "mountains and abysses" I battled in my younger years became "hills and valleys". I recognized the cycles, appreciated the fact that my highs were lower and my lows were higher and assumed this was one more benefit to aging. The emotions of life were just "hilly" and easier to navigate as I became older and wiser.

Then came last winter.

It was a tough one. I can write about it now because I've climbed upward and I'm enjoying the view from the plateau I've hit. I'm simply sitting here appreciating the view and resting. There is more of the mountain to climb but I have little desire to climb higher. The higher one climbs, the further one has to fall.

Besides, my feet are sore. I need to rest and repair my mode of transportation before I ascend any further. Then perhaps, I could even dance again ...

Yes, I have an appointment with a podiatrist on Monday, followed by an appointment with a counsellor on Tuesday. I may have a little more climbing to do.

One step at a time. I am doing just fine exactly where I am. Life has been very good at doling out exactly what I need, when I am ready to accept it. It's all going to be okay. It always is.