Searching

I'm falling off the rails. Living an Intentional Life is exhausting.

Such simple guidelines I set out for myself. Walk. Stretch. Write. Drink water. Eat intentionally. Live intentionally. Be still and notice the little things.

Well? Being still without eating to keep me awake equals sleep.

It takes approximately three to four nights to watch a one hour television show (which I have taped, which equates to the need to stay awake 45 minutes). Fifteen minutes in front of the TV without food, conversation or movement is a sleeping pill for me.

That is okay. Because I want to get up very early to do all the things that feel important at the moment:

• Walk (45 minutes)
• Puzzles/breakfast smoothie/listen to a podcast (an hour)
• Take care of whatever real-life-needs need to be met. This varies from cleaning cat litter and making a lunch; to responding to incoming emails; to vacuuming/mowing the lawn/hair-washing-day; and an untold number of diversions (anywhere from 15 minutes to 2 hours)
• Writing (depends on the day)
• Open the door of my home office and tame the beast within 

I wake up at 5:00 a.m. and four hours vanish into thin air just like that [insert snapping fingers here].

I'm spinning my wheels and going no where but back to waking up at 5 a.m. the next morning. 

As I walked this morning, I felt full of inspiration, life, recollections of walking these roads over the course of decades gone by. Memories of people I once knew when I worked; houses I once delivered newspapers &/or flyers to; the walks we had during my daycare days all came rushing to the surface. Then I came home.

Poof! Just like that [insert snapping fingers again]. Gone. In a puff of imaginary smoke.

I am ... so many things. I will not go into all the things I "am" at the moment because my thoughts are taking me to a place I don't want to dwell on. 

I have some important deadlines to meet. Then? I want to coast. Simply take time to wash windows during the week, putter in the yard, walk someplace for fun (and perhaps an indulgent refreshment as a reward). I want to phone a friend and visit without a time limit. I want to spend a weekday at my City Home without opening the door of my home office and just live a simple, quiet day.

I want a holiday from the day-to-day life as I know it. Nothing extravagant. I want to dabble in the feeling of what life in retirement could feel like. I want to dream.

These are the books I have borrowed from the library. I'm searching. I feel ready to shake up my world just a little bit. Or simply take a holiday.

I appreciate how fortunate I am to wake up to life-as-I-know-and-expect-it-to-be day after day.

I wake up feeling rested, healthy, ready to tackle the day with ease.

But there is a small voice within that is speaking to me.

There is much going on underneath the surface of this life of mine.

My little world is intertwined with those who don't wake up to all I take for granted.

What can I do?

Is there anything I can do?

I feel the need to build up my reserves so I'm ready.

Ready for what? 

I don't know.

I just know things do not stay the same and I thrive on same-ness.

In the meantime, I will just keep taking one forward step at a time.

Step by step, we get where we need to go.

One step at a time.