Recreating What Works

I had a routine and life style that worked well for me when I ran my daycare. I've been striving to find a way to recreate that-which-worked-best for me ever since. 

As I wrote my way through my morning pages this morning, I realized some of the key ingredients to my daycare days routine are finding their way back into my life.

Routine. Plain and simple, routine is where it is at for me. As much as I strived toward a routine during my bookkeeping days, I didn't have a firm schedule. I could work around getting my work done in a way that allowed flexibility. I appreciated and enjoyed that flexibility. I have missed it now that I have a work schedule and firm work hours to adhere to. Everything else has to work around that. And it does.

Meal planning, regular meal times and trying to work in all the food groups into the day was another positive about managing the appetites, nutrition requirements and needs of my daycare crowd. I'm doing much better providing myself some of the same benefits. I love making extra on the weekend so meals are a breeze throughout the week. I crave "real food" - homecooked verses frozen prepared entrees wins every time. If chocolate bars were considered a food group, I'd have it made in the shade. My diet isn't perfect but I'm eating better than I have for a very long time.

Writing. I started writing for myself (morning pages) three months ago. I started writing out loud just over a month ago. Writing rewires the way I process the world. I start creating stories within my thoughts as I think of how I could retell this in writing. I piece together little bits and pieces of life-as-I-see-it and I amuse myself with the absurdity of my little stories. My inner dialogue is much cheerier than it has been.

Noticing all that Mother Nature has to offer. During my daycare days, we marveled at watching ants, counting lady bugs, collecting stones, making wishes blowing the dandelion puff ... These were the little highlights that found their way into almost every day at daycare. I am entertained by nature's critters again. I love when the birds swoop by the patio doors and tempt me to look outside and watch the show. I miss the rabbits that used to hop by my city home. We have squirrels here instead. Their tracks in the snow confused and amused me throughout the winter. 

I do miss quiet time. Ninety minutes while my little ones slept and the older ones watched a movie. I lived for quiet time. I have yet to find a way to insert quiet time into the middle of my work day. An hour after lunch time to simply be still and quiet. I miss that time.

Walking is something that should be easy to add into my day. But I have not yet succeeded. Too cold. Too icy. Too hot. Too humid. If I was to succeed at a regular walk, first thing in the morning is where it is at for me. But then I have to go to work afterwards, so it's all about preserving the state of my hair. 

Little things. It's all about noticing the little things. Creating little stories as one watches the world go by. Rewiring one's thoughts into something that sparks a little joy.

Remember a time when life felt good. See what little piece of that life you can add back to recreate a little piece of what works best.

We Have What We Need All Along

I find my day goes better if I simply ride the wave and go with the flow of the tide, wherever the wind blows or simply wherever the next step takes me.

My Tuesday is the equivalent of most people's Monday. It is my first day back into the real world of work, obligations, expectations and (hardest of all) leaving the house for ten hour stretches at a time.

I walked into my work week filled with angst like feelings. I couldn't quite shake them until I reached the end of my day and had to be satisfied with "I did my best".

I walked into yesterday feeling anxious and googled my own blog to find other posts written in angst. I found a little gem where I wrote about a daycare day where no one was meeting anyone's expectations of the day and it went from bad to worse. This was the post which I wrote next:

Right in Our Own Back Yard

This is how I ended my last post:

"Set yourself free today. Don't follow the rules (or mow your lawn or pick your weeds). Let the day flow in and through you just the way it wants to. Don't fight the flow. And see how it goes.

There is beauty in letting the day wash through you. I think I need to take a piece of my own advice. If I'm still standing at the end of the day, I'll try and update you."

Then? I proceeded to follow my own advice and had a most excellent day.

We rolled with the punches. All day. And the day went amazingly well.

We followed where the day took us and even though it didn't take us any further than our own back yard, we had a completely different view and the day took on a glow.

Some clouds rolled in and shaded our deck in the morning so we played in the shade, watched a hydrovac truck pull out our fence post and then the kids got the best gift of all. The guy who pulled out our post invited them to come have a look at the hole he made, a tour of his truck and [insert drum roll here] they got to go "rock picking" in the back alley while we were there.

They brought their rocks back onto the deck with them and they provided no end of entertainment. Peace, contentment and joy were all wrapped up into our morning and I didn't even have to apply sunscreen!

After nap time, my son rigged up a sprinkler hose atop the deck railing and we endured the heatwave in an imaginative and interactive way.

I didn't fight the flow and the day provided exactly what we needed. 

Add a big, noisy truck, a few clouds when needed, some rocks and some water and it equalled contentment in my little world. 

As an added bonus, our fence is finally fixed, so next week we have full run of the back yard again.

Everything we needed was right in our own back yard. Isn't that often the case?

Go ahead and live your day as it unfolds. Do your best. Sometimes what we need the most is right in front of us. We simply have to notice we have what need all along.

A Little More on Angst

When I woke up feeling a little angsty this morning, I searched the word "angst" on my blog and came up with this post from the past. I wrote this during the height of some of my daycaring stresses and I still found the lessons hidden within the toughest of days. It is my hope I will always keep looking for the nuggets of wisdom hidden within the toughest of days.

Here is a little blast from my past, written 4-1/2 years ago:

FRIDAY, JUNE 26, 2015

Angst

Angst -  a feeling of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity

Yes, "angst" is a good word for the way I woke up this morning.

I haven't been rolling with this week very well.  I think I need a holiday. Kid-chatter is grating on my last nerve.

Scene from my two days ago:

Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Uh-huh.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes I do.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes, I like your dress.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: Yes. I like your pretty dress.
Child: Colleen, do you like my dress?
Me: YES, AND I HEARD YOU THE FIRST FOUR TIMES YOU TOLD ME! [fail, I know]

Scene from yesterday:

Me: Who has an idea what to have for snack today?
Child 1: I do.
Child 2: No, I do!
Child 3: NO! I DO!!
Me: Okay, what is your idea?
Child 1, 2 and 3: Silence

Yesterday morning started out with a large, suspicious wet spot on the couch. My Little Guy, who had just arrived and didn't want to eat breakfast with us and sat on the couch, had an overfilled diaper that leaked onto the couch.

The cleaning-of-the-couch process drew children to me, like bees to honey. And I wasn't feeling too terribly sweet. So I turned on the "Bubble Guppies" and begged them to watch it and sit on the love seat, where they always sit, not on the couch. You would have thought I was asking for the moon.

So ... we finally made it out the door and we had walked fifteen minutes towards a spray park to find a cool way to beat the heat when this conversation took place:

Little Boy #2: [indeterminable mumbling preceded the words] ... poopin'.
Me: [immediately remembering I had failed to take him to the bathroom just before we left, although he had gone immediately after breakfast and we would have been out the door shortly thereafter, if it wasn't for the Wet Couch Incident] You have to go poop?
Little Boy #2: Yup

I couldn't be frustrated. It was my fault. We turned on a dime, headed home, took him to the bathroom. And by then, he didn't have to go.

So we headed back towards the park and all went well. We got home, had a quick lunch, watched a little bit of a movie and everyone headed towards those minutes of the day I love the best. Quiet time.

I usually get twenty minutes to myself during that time. Then I get the older ones up so they can watch a movie and I have an added half hour of them watching a movie while I start to update our daycare blog. Those quiet minutes get me through the day. When I don't get them? I am depleted.

Yesterday? I didn't get them.

Little Boy #1 woke up an hour ahead of schedule. He is a dynamo. He bounces off the couches. Literally. He needs to climb, be active, diversity and he really thrives in a no-rules-zone. I need this little boy to sleep. He didn't.

It was hot, hot, hot outside yesterday. So I brought the water table out onto the shaded deck. This new activity brought no end of fun and bliss and contentment to our world last year. I was ready for some blissful, cool water fun. It would save the day.

Little Boy #1 was not here last year. He LOVED the water. But no one else could enjoy the water play because he saturated everything and everybody in sight. It was a "two part" table, so I moved him over to the other half so he could play any which way he wanted to play and not soak everyone else. He didn't like that idea. He wanted to be where everyone else was. Then he climbed onto/into the water table. Not once. Not twice. Three times. The water table is not meant to be sat in.

Little Boy #2 saw LB #1 climbing in the table so he thought it would be just fine to sit on it as well. Not once. Not twice. But three times.

I dumped the water and hid the table in the garage.

Little Boy #2 was angry with me for taking away the only fun thing there was to do. I begged my son to come outside with me. I desperately needed to communicate with someone over the age of three. He didn't want to be there and when he saw my exasperation levels he simply said, "I don't know why you didn't just take them downstairs".

"Because I am being a good, creative and fun babysitter, That is why! I'm doing the right things but the wrong things are happening!! THAT'S why!"

Well, I didn't really say that. But I did think it.

Why do the wrong things happen when you do what you do for all the right reasons? Could it be because nothing I offered the kids came from a place of joy? It was all guilt and trying to do the right thing.

Thus, I woke this morning [is it just me, or is this not the longest week in the history of man???], feeling very apprehensive about the day ahead of me. I am anxious because I really don't know what to do with my little energizer bunny who is sick to death of the confines of our house and yard. And I am feeling insecure because I should be better than this.

I know better but I'm not doing better.

Angst. Yes, that is me today. It can only get better. Right?

Good things do not come from a place of guilt and obligation. Good things come out of the smallest intentions, coming from a place of giving and joy.

I think we are going to go find bugs and stones today. Life is simpler that way.

One other quote from yesterday:

As we were walking to the waterpark (the first time), my three-year-old little girl saw a yard overgrown with a wild flower garden, unkempt and unmowed grass, filled with dandelions and clover in full bloom and she said in wonder, "Colleen! Look at the beautiful garden!!"

And do you know what? It was beautiful. It was unabandoned, unrestricted wild beauty. Mother Nature set free to do as she pleased. And it looked good.

Set yourself free today. Don't follow the rules (or mow your lawn or pick your weeds). Let the day flow in and through you just the way it wants to. Don't fight the flow. And see how it goes.

There is beauty in letting the day wash through you. I think I need to take a piece of my own advice. If I'm still standing at the end of the day, I'll try and update you.

"Colleen! What a beautiful garden!!"

The Good Old Days

How is it possible to lose the afterglow of a holiday so soon?

I have been back to work four days. I had a weekend after three of those days. Yet I woke up this morning feeling as if I was never away.

Exhaustion over-ruled any thoughts I may have had about how I would spend this past weekend. How can a person feel so worn out after working three days?

I woke up this morning and visions of my daycare days wafted through my mind. They were long days. They were challenging days. But we had quiet time. And I had some control over how I could manage my days.

Walks. Time at the park. Simply playing outside. Watching nature. Savoring the moments of children playing contentedly.

Even within the most challenging days, I was home. I was grounded. I could call a friend. Someone could drop by. I was home.

Another perk was the fact that I did not rely on my car. Winter is coming and if this car and I are going to weather the seasons ahead, I need to fix the stone chip in the windshield and look into getting better tires.

I liked working from home. I liked it a lot. I miss those good old days.

The Wonders of Nature

We were driving home from the lake yesterday afternoon and I spotted a flock of pelicans. I felt the awe of the moment and shared my amazement with my son. 

My youngest son is a pretty stoic guy and the word "excited" does not describe his nature the vast majority of the time. I believe he quietly shakes his head with some of my observations and the wonders of the world around us. His comment to me was that having a daycare sure made me appreciate nature.

My response to him came easy and is 100% what I believe. "That is what I loved about my daycare days. There is nothing like seeing the world through the eyes of a child, noticing things for the first time."

I remember the time my oldest son and I were camping with literally nothing around us but nature. We noticed an industrious colony of ants. I have the greatest admiration for those hard working insects. During my daycare days, I fondly remember the number of times we would stop a walk in progress to marvel at the load a tiny ant had on its back. 

Up and coming easily amazed children gave me an excuse to stop and marvel at the smallest of things. 

I spent Saturday morning outside breathing in the day with our cats. I have numerous pictures of our cats enjoying the day (though I wasn't fast enough to capture our senior cat in residence as he noticed/chased the small moths in the grass and the kitten I saw in his actions), but it was the bird calls that caught my attention.

This chatty robin seemed to be keeping his eye on the activity within our yard and was sending out warnings to all his friends and family that there were cats on the loose:

There was more than one bird in this tree at the time I took the picture. I wondered if I would be able to zoom in and find it in a Where's Waldo kind of way. Here is a close up to the chatty robin:

As my family canoed and kayaked on the lake yesterday, I was lucky enough to get to sit on the beach and simply marvel at the world around me. Once again, I have an arsenal of pictures of my family on the water but I got that feeling of child-like awe when I spotted a pelican:

The pelican never got any closer but thanks to modern technology, I could zoom in on him too:

I have offered to spend some time out at my son's farm and oversee their two dogs, two rabbits and twenty two cats while they go on vacation. As we visited yesterday, I had my eyes on the nature-viewing spots on their deck and found myself anticipating this upcoming retreat and quiet oasis away from it all.

There is truly nothing like looking into the landscape and taking in the wonders of nature. I just wish it didn't include ticks!

Spring

Spring is calling my name and I think I need to answer its call.

I am having flashbacks to my daycaring days and feeling the pull of becoming one with nature, sitting in a sunbeam, going for long walks and counting the signs of spring.

Spring was both my favorite and most dreaded season of the year while operating my daycare. With the warmer days came mud, puddles and mess. But it didn't take all that long for things to dry up so we could bask in the dawn of a new season of sunshine.

I just read something this morning that resonated within me and eased my guilt a little. It said while parenting, you may lose your mind a little bit. But you find your soul. I read the words and they settled deep inside me. It described how I felt while I ran my daycare.

I miss my daycare days at times.

Sleep, good food, fresh air and exercise cured a lot of what ailed the children under my care. Sometimes they needed a little time out. Sometimes they needed a little extra attention. There were very few things a nap didn't cure.

Now, I walk through my days and those who I spend my time with need much of what my younger daycare crowd needed. But it's all out of my control. I can suggest. I can hope. I can try. But mostly I listen.

I miss the complexity combined with the simplicity of watching over my little ones. I miss the "heaven on earth" moments where all I did was simply hover and enjoy the moments in the sun. The moments when no one knew I was watching. The moments of harmony, innocence and pure unadulterated joy.

Unadulterated. What a word. We become adults and our childlike joy and innocence becomes lost to us.

A friend of mine said it best when she compared her world where she devoted her time and energy to her aging parents, to my daycare world. She said while I was a part of helping young people become more independent, her time was spent walking by her parents' side as they lost their independence.

Aging is not for the faint of heart.

Oh, how I crave to simply sit in a sunbeam and listen to my older friends reminisce about the seasons of their lives. I long for fresh air, sun, laughter and joy. I need to find it so I can share it with those around me.

I wish to find a way to bring that sunshine and light into our day. Everyone needs a dose of childlike innocence and joy.

I want to walk through a pasture and look for the first crocus. I want to be still and have a rabbit cross my path so I can marvel at its transformation from winter white to the springtime evolution to its summer browns. I want to listen to the birds and watch for the migration of the southern birds coming north for the next few seasons.

Most of all, I want to do all of the above before the ticks, canker worms and mosquitoes wake up. This season is short. I just want to hold onto that which brings me joy and feel a little of the "soul" I remember from my daycaring days...

Questions That Make Me Ponder

I drop by to visit my aunt on a regular basis. Our visits have become routine, somewhat repetitive and familiar. She often asks me the same questions and yesterday as I listened to my own answers, I heard something I have never heard before.

Q: Do you miss your daycare?
A: No

Later on, she asked me:

Q: Do you miss dancing?
A: No

I shook my head at the realization that despite the differences within those two questions, the similarity was in my answer.

Both of those times were perfect for me as I was living my life forward.

Yes, there were several challenges in running a daycare but those challenges strengthened me, made me a better communicator, instilled "writing" as my coping mechanism and brought out a part of myself I may never had found, had I not stuck with my daycare through thick and thin.

As challenging as some moments were, they were heavily outnumbered by the mundane, routine and speckled with an assortment of "Heaven on Earth" moments. Watching children contentedly at play, when they have no idea you are watching them is bliss. Pure bliss.

I had to quit daycaring when the challenges outweighed the bliss on a much-too-regular basis. It wasn't an easy decision but it was the right one. I quit for the sake of the children. They needed a more joyful daycare provider. Though I had felt joyful during the majority of my daycare days, it subsided by the end of my daycare career.

It was time to move on. No regrets.

Now dancing on the other hand, was joy. Pure, unadulterated fun and joy. My heart soared during those days. I forgot the world outside the moment I walked through the dance studio doors. Music, laughter, movement, human contact and sharing a passion for dancing within a room of people who felt the same way? There was nothing like it.

I loved every moment of my years within the walls of the dance studio. In the end, a shortage of men to dance with, combined with a shortage of money and bad feet made my decision to stop dancing easier than I ever thought it would be.

I can remember the last time I quit dancing (yes, I started and stopped dancing about as many times as I gave my long term relationships). But the last time? I was quite certain would be THE last time.

And it was. No regrets.

Dancing? Daycaring? These two activities couldn't be more different. Yet the similarity is: when it was time to let it go, I did. I have had no regrets. None.

My aunt asked me what my favorite job was. I didn't have an answer. I could quickly remember my least favorite. But my favorite? That was harder to pin down.

While I'm in the middle of whatever it is going on within my life, whether it is work, recreational or something I do "just for me", it is usually my favorite place to be at the time. When it stops feeling good over a long period of time (absolutely nothing is ideal 100% of the time), is when I start considering my options.

I ponder "where I am at" periodically. More than half the people who touch my life are retired. Again, my aunt asks me regularly about retirement and when I plan to retire. So I have considered my answer on several occasions.

I need to work. Not only because my budget tells me so, but I need it for "me". If I didn't work, I would be frittering away my days. I find this thoroughly enjoyable for a weekend, a holiday or any bonus hour or day that finds me. But for the rest of my life? I think I need more of a purpose than mindless frittering of time.

In a perfect world, I would work from home again. Ever since I ran my daycare and utilized every square inch of our home and yard, I "knew" our home was part of my ideal work situation. I still mull this idea over in my head regularly. Daycaring is definitely out. Senior care in my home? I think that would be too much. Opening a B & B or an Air BnB establishment? I toy with the idea. Renting part of our house? A border?

I don't know.

I just know I am exactly where I am meant to be right now. I have given up what stopped working for me in the past with no regrets. I'm moving into the future as surefooted as any other time in my past. When I look at "the rest of my life", it is too big to comprehend in one fell swoop. When I look at "this year and the next", I'm good with the here and now.

I'm grateful for my regular visits with my aunt. The repetitive questions which make me think, help me find parallels and focus my attention on my answers. I try to vary the content of my answers ever so slightly to keep the conversation fresh. In doing so, I find new perspective.

What questions make you ponder? How many different ways can you answer the same question? Can you find a new perspective by looking at the same scenario differently?

Life is a learning curve. We never stop learning. Everything we encounter is placed before us to teach us something. I value every little thing my aunt is helping me see.

No Way Out (or is there?)

I'm not making the most of my life lately. I walk around a lot of days feeling like I am a waste of oxygen. Certainly a pretty flower would exude more joy than I have been lately. I'm not a lover of flowers, so that is saying a lot.

Purpose is severely lacking in my moment to moment thoughts.

I wake up in the morning and wonder what I must endure throughout the day ahead of me so I can head back to my room and turn off the world.

I feel bound to one of my jobs and when someone asked me why I didn't quit, my response was simply, "I can't quit. I think the only way out is for me to die."

I said those words one day and headed off to face another new day 16-1/2 hours later. It was the hardest thing I've done in recent history. But I did it. And it was good that I faced that particular moment so it can't hang over me during my days off.

Daycaring wore me down but my current role is depleting my resources to a near all time low. And it has only been seven months.

If I could quit, what would I do? That is the million dollar question.

The very first thought that entered my mind as I spelled out those words was, "I would see if Mom would be agreeable to me moving into her basement and I would try to get a job at the daycare which is housed in a senior's residence across the street from my childhood home."

I'm experienced in childcare and I've been exposed to senior care. I have a feeling there is a place where the two worlds collide and that is where I'd like to go next.

Give Them "The World" (and they are happy with bugs and boxes)

Some days I sit still and all I see is all I need to do and fix within our house. The chips in the paint, the wear and tear on the baseboards, doors, walls, carpets and floors. Then I go outside and think of what I would like to do with our prior "dog pen" area and the fact that I should do something about the eaves troughs and windows on the garage.

Then I shake my head and think "Just take care of what you have!" and my focus becomes cleaning, decluttering, sorting, organizing and the multitude of tasks I have put off for far too long.

Then comes a day like yesterday. A day when I sat still, listened to the happy little voices of my daycare family as they played and got along and just made the most of what we had sitting right before us on the deck.

I blurred the edges of my vision and zoomed in on what we have, more specifically I concentrated on the "world" I have created for my little daycare family.

I listened to their banter as they all nestled in the playhouse sitting on the deck, with a little picnic table off to the side and a mat of foam puzzle pieces to create a "carpet" underneath their feet (or soon, a bed and a blanket and eventually a patterned set of "stepping stones" as they ripped apart the mats and created their own version of how they could be best utilized).

I gazed out into the yard and focused on the playground which has paid for itself time and time and time again over the past sixteen years.

Sure enough, the grass is greener on the other side of our fence (a fence which needs to be repaired due do an accident in the alley the other day). But suddenly my gaze was redirected towards what "works" and what is pretty much a dream-come-true for the child version of myself.

I remember playing in the basement of my friend's home and creating a world of make believe with boxes. I remember creating a pretend "house" out of a place in a barn at the bottom of the hill with a childhood friend. I remember wishing for child-sized furniture for this land of make believe.

Then I thought of the little kitchen, indoor picnic table, doll tending centre, dolls and all the accessories I could have ever wished for, that I have accumulated for my imaginative young daycare family.

We have Fisher Price toys bursting out the seams here. Castles, princes and princesses, houses, farms, circuses, a zoo, fences, accessories and all the Little Animals and People one could ever hope for.

We have cars, plains, boats, helicopters, an airport, car mats and a plethora of car ramps. We have trikes, scooters, wagons and little "Fred Flintstone" cars. Yes. Plural. There is more than one of almost every little thing we have.

I have created my own childhood dream within our home.

I would have given anything to live in this "world" when I was a young girl.

I grew up watching "Bewitched" and wishing that I could watch episode after episode of my most favorite show. I also wished I could twitch my nose and make my wishes come true.

And that is almost exactly what has happened.

Children can watch episode after episode after episode of their favorite TV show and not even have to wait for its once-per-week arrival on a television that receives only two channels, three at best.

Saturday morning cartoons? Our kids have cartoons-on-demand at the flick of a few buttons.

Special outings to the beach and visiting the playground that had the "twirly slide" were rare treats in my day. Now we have a minimum of six parks within walking distance of our home; two of which have a paddling pool; two others have spray parks. And every park is new and different and exciting. Heavens, we even have a "park" right in our own back yard!

I dreamed of being able to walk to school (we lived on the farm until I was halfway through Grade 4); now I can see the school from our living room window. I remember having a basketball hoop in behind the garage and thinking we were in heaven. Now, there are two paved basketball courts in the school ground that we can see from here.

Kids these days can entertain themselves by turning on the TV, watching a movie of their choice, electronic gadgets geared from ages "zero" to a "hundred" and tune into the world wide web at a keystroke. And kids know how to do this! 

I take care of an 18 month old who entertains himself by watching videos of himself on an iPad they bring to daycare. Movies?!! Wow!! Home movies were unheard of in "my day". In fact we had to take our pictures on a roll of film which held twelve pictures and you had to send them out in the mail to be developed. And you had NO idea whether those pictures would turn out or not. Now-a-days? Kids expect to see the pictures I take immediately.

All of this. Kids are living in a dream state and they don't even know it.

But the most amazing part of all of this? Do you know what captivates their interest every time? Lady bugs, ants, butterflies and caterpillars. Boxes, margarine containers, rocks and dandelions. 

Give a child "the world" and that is exactly what they expect. Open up the doors and let them explore the world and there is no end to what they can find to amuse themselves.

Here I am, sitting and believing I am living the dream in my dilapidated, neglected house which is filled to the brim with "daycare supplies". I have created the world I have always wanted and opened my doors to share it with my young little daycare family.

And they would have been content with boxes and bugs. Go figure...

A Few Kind Words

This morning, I was tending to the business of promoting my daycare business at one of the various on line sites where I am advertising when I spotted the tab "Review Rebuttals". The very idea that someone could write something derogatory about me and my daycare that required a rebuttal kick started my defence systems so I clicked on the tab.

I've checked on my reviews various times over the course of the year that I have been back in the daycare business. A year ago I did mention to my previous daycare parents that they were welcome to leave a review on my site, but no one did. I checked in from time to time. But the review section of my daycare ad remained neglected.

So I expected to find 'more of the same' when I habitually clicked on that very same tab this morning. I was wrong.

What I found instead was a 97% rating and a short paragraph describing what one of my previous parents (I could tell by the context of the message that it wasn't one of my new parents) had liked about bringing their child to my daycare.

First of all, I was in awe. I wondered who it was that left such kindness in their wake. Of course I had a few faces immediately come to mind. The wonder of it all. Someone likes me. They really like me!

Then (do we all do this or is it just me) I wondered "Why only 97% ... what did I do wrong??"

I clicked onto the details and found that my downfall was my meals. Why would that surprise me? I am just lucky that it wasn't one of my new daycare parents doing that review. I have been trying so hard to get these kids to eat anything, that I am trying whatever it takes to tempt their appetites (and it isn't all healthy).

Then I looked again. They gave me a rating of about 4.25 out of 5 for my meals. Five out of five on everything else.

I got a score that high on my meal planning?!?! Suddenly I was back on my cloud. I can cook. I really can cook.

A few kind words left by an unnamed friend-of-my-past has made my morning. Spread kindness into your world. You just never know who needs it the most. So be generous with your praise and you will never know what a difference you have made.

What Have I Done?

I woke up to the strange meow of a cat underneath my bed Saturday night. Our New Cat found his way into my room. He did not respect my closed (but not latched) door the way Andre (our Pre-Existing Cat) does. I woke up with a start and I don't think that I ever fell back into a sleep where my brain turned off. The words "What have I done???" ran in a loop in my head for the remainder of my sleepless night.

Why did I go and voluntarily add a complication to our lives when everything was running so smoothly? I felt anxious. Something simply didn't sit well with me.

It is not like I have become completely adverse to change. Is it??

I have spent a fair deal of energy rerouting my abilities to pay the bills. I have tried new things. Several new things. But I have come back to what I know. My daycare.

I have made new friends. Perhaps not recently ... but seeds of friendship that were planted are slowly growing, while long term friendships are in full bloom. Or they blossom the moment they exposed to the sun. I haven't added a lot of new people into my extra-curricular life recently. But getting to know my new little daycare family has enhanced my life.

Last week, I sat back in the quiet of our pre-nap quiet time and breathed in my young little daycare family. There have been some growing pains. It took us a while to get here. But I like these little guys. I really, really do. They snuggle in beside me as tiredness starts to wash through their weary little bodies and I just breathe it all in.

I am loving my new/old life. Much has 'gone to weed' around here while I was gone. The inside of the house needs some scouring, decluttering and some TLC. The outside requires fence repairs, sandbox renovations and massive weed control.

At the moment my energy is being consumed with regaining all that I felt like I lost when I was 'away'. It isn't all consuming. It isn't exhausting. I have been spending my energy slowly and steadily. It is gaining a little bit of momentum which is far, far greater than the state of inertia that I had slipped into the years preceding this.

Enter this New Black Kitty. I don't know if I am ready for him. I am taking my cues from our Senior Cat. He is rolling with the punches and letting this New Kitty find his way around here. Senior Cat follows Junior Cat around in much the same fashion I follow my little Daycare Family. Constant monitoring. Constant teaching. Constant reminders of the rules.

It is exhausting at first. But then? When the work has been done and the heart starts to interconnect with another young being ... you know that it was worth it.

It takes a while. But putting yourself in a place to allow another living being take up space in your heart? It's not a bad place to be. It is just a little scary at first.

I am beginning to see why I have not attracted anyone of the opposite sex into my world. Complications! Who needs them?? I'll try on a new cat for size and get back to you later ...

Odd Man Out

What would I feel like if I spent ten hours of every weekday with two other people who spoke a different language than I do?

What if those two people seemed to have a special connection and words were truly not necessary to speak with each other?

What if they were two people of the opposite sex and I truly had very little in common with them?

Add to that, that they are half my age and there is a substantial generation gap between us.

I am not a leader. I am a follower.

How would I manage in that environment?

Would I try to copy, learn and speak this new language? Would I feel left out because I felt like a stranger in their world? Would I conform to their interests so that we found some common ground? Would I subconsciously act a lot younger than my age in a sincere desire simply to fit in? Would I simply follow their lead because I am a natural follower?

Chances are ... that is exactly what I would do.

If you are a natural born leader, certain behaviours seem to come as easily as breathing. If you are a follower by nature, you follow your natural path and adapt in the best way that you know how.

This ... is the world that my two-year-old boy walks into every day at daycare, with his two, one-year-old-girl playmates.

The girls are more than happy to play with this little guy who is twice their age. Possibly because he is so adaptable to their ways and easy to get along with.

Is it frustrating to watch a two-year-old who has the ability to speak coherent sentences, understand and learn at a completely different level ... speak baby talk and act out in whatever way he sees his younger counterparts do, whenever he plays with these younger girls? Yes. But I think I have a clearer vision of where this is coming from.

It is amazing what you see when you look at the world through the eyes of someone whose behaviour baffles you ...

Just for Today ...

This has to be a turn around week. It simply must. I cannot follow where this downward spiral is leading.

First and foremost, I must make the most of my Daycare Days. When I reopened my doors, it was with my eyes wide open. I focused on the little moments that matter within the day and life was beyond wonderful.

Granted, we got outdoors a lot during the first few months. We went for morning strolls that were dictated by little more than my ability to push my two charges for as long as I wished. It was heavenly to breath in the fresh air, walk and let thoughts drift aimlessly in and out of my mind. Then the last hour of the day was spent in the back yard. The kids could run and play and just be kids. We had the time and opportunity to count the lady bugs. I miss those days. I miss them a lot.

I savored the getting-to-know-you process with my new family. There were a few challenges and I remember thinking at the end of that first month just how far we had all come in becoming comfortable and getting to know each other. I vividly remembered the first days and fully appreciated the comfort levels that we all gained during that month.

Then we added one more to the family. It was like repeating the first month ... only we couldn't walk quite as far (because my two year old was now walking instead of riding along in the stroller). But we still got outside regularly. Another 'first month' of getting to know each other and at the end of that second month, I felt ready to take on a fourth child and yet more challenges.

That didn't happen ... but toilet training did. That took every ounce of patience and spare time that I had. In the end, I was rather grateful a fourth child did not enter the mix at that time.

Then came December and I gave up hope on adding to our family in 2012. The new year would bring new life to our daycare and more mountains to climb.

My wish came true. Sort of. I have a half-time five year old that comes (basically) every other day. He has been here a grand total of three (half) days. We haven't yet developed a new rhythm in those few hours. The walls are closing in on us, as the weather has kept us indoors on the cold days and when the days warm up, our outdoor activities are restricted to going for walks (and the sidewalks are a mess ever since they cleaned the streets and the excess has trickled onto the sidewalks).

I am slowly but surely going a little stir crazy. I am not alone. I have three and a half young children that are also tiring of these walls that confine us. Try as I might, the kids tire of most every new idea or toy or combination of toys that I can come up with. I need some new material. But most of all ... I need a new lease on life.

The tedium of our days is carrying on into my evening and weekends. I am acting like my kids. Simply bored and more than a little happy to let the TV entertain me in every little nook and cranny of the day that isn't ruled by responsibilities.

I don't want the kids to watch more than a minimal amount of TV because I know it isn't good for them. Yet I am not governing myself by the same rules. Television is turning my brain to mush. I have stopped looking at the small moments in life and appreciating them. I need to turn off the TV and tune back into the life that I am living.

The best place to start is within my Daycare Day.

I have been blessed with three adorable little children (plus my half-time five year old that I am still getting to know). It is time to sit on the floor and see the world the way they see it. Listen to what they are saying. Watch, enjoy and guide what they are doing.

I need our day to be more than a regularly scheduled itinerary of breakfast; play-time; quiet-time; lunch-time; nap-time; snack-time; then more play-time. When I reflect on the day I want to remember the moments ... not a running commentary on the regularly scheduled requirements.

This morning, I grabbed the notebook that I had on my night stand so that I can write down the little moments and memorable things the kids do or say throughout the day. This notepad has been on my night stand for almost a year. I thought that perhaps deep and insightful thoughts were coming to me in the middle of the night and I was neglecting to focus on them.

So I started a 'dream journal'. It has one entry. One.

"Sometimes it is not what we see ...

or hear ...

It is what we feel."

Today is about what I feel. I shall keep my notepad at my side and write down the little moments that make a day. Today will be more than what I see and hear ... it will be about what I feel.

Listening to the Quiet

I had the opportunity to start and finish the job of delivering my flyers before my daycare family arrived this morning. The kids arrived minutes after I walked in the door and moments within each other.

We were all plunked into my home at the same time. I sacrificed the quiet solitude that I anticipate each morning (in lieu of getting my flyers delivered) but it was worth it.

I turned off the light at the front door after the parents left and we basked in the gentle glow of the Christmas lights. One of my kids was not feeling that well, so I turned on the TV and let him sit back and relax while he watched his favorite cartoons.

I fed the one-year-old her breakfast and took the time to sit with my coffee. I then joined the kids in the darkened living room and simply enjoyed listening to the quiet...

The hum of the computer ... the dishwasher doing its job ... the inane chatter of the cartoons at a low volume on the TV ... no voices ... no words ...

The sun is starting to light the room and the voices of the children are starting to fill the air.

It was a quiet start to a day. Quietness among children. It doesn't come often or last very long when it does. This morning was a gift ...

Creating a History

My two, 1-year-olds had gone down for their morning nap. It was just my 2-year-old and me. He wanted to sit on my lap. Perhaps more because he had just seen the two younger ones on my lap than because of his need at that very moment.

One of the girls was having a bit of trouble settling. So my 2-year-old & I talked in soft tones and we quietly wished her to sleep from a distance (it worked).

Suddenly my 2-year-old & I were back in time. It was just like his first day at my daycare. We were looking out the living room window together and talking about what we saw.

On his first day, he noticed all of the trees in our neighborhood. I counted and counted to him. Eventually we just said there are "... lots and lots and lots of trees ..."

We have talked about the trees a handful of times since that first day. We haven't mentioned the trees for a very long time. My little 2-year-old has developed more conversational skills and sees so much more than 'just the trees' when we look out the window.

But today? As I talked with a soothing, quiet voice as I willed one of our restless girls to sleep (it worked) ... it was as if my 2-year-old and I were back in time. It was our first day again.

Suddenly ... out of nowhere, he said, "Trees ... lots and lots and lots of trees ..." and we were reminded of that first day.

It feels so long ago. We have created so many more memories since that day. I'm glad he remembered. We are creating a history here ...

It Was Only a Dream

I came home to find a handful of children in my backyard. Whoops ... had I forgotten that I had to be home for my after school children? And there was a young girl that I didn't recognize. Who was she? I asked her. I didn't know her. I had to track down her mom and tell her where she was ...

And then I woke up.

As my conscious mind caught up to the unreality of my dream I remembered: I don't babysit anymore! I didn't do anything wrong! I didn't forget!

A weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I don't babysit anymore!

A Summary

My thoughts won't stop on one topic long enough for me to write a little blog about it. I don't seem to have one underlying theme to stop and focus on. So I'll just ramble this morning. It feels like that kind of day.

Where do I begin?

June 25th. That was the last day that my school was open (it closes for a two week summer vacation). Even though I'm approximately one day away from completing the last course that I need to earn my diploma, I couldn't do it on June 25th. I had logged my school hours for the week (and then some), so I had the choice to focus on other things that day. For sanity's sake, I fully believe that I made the best choice - not to focus on school that day.

June 25th. The last day of school for the kids. The last of the school supplies and excessive paperwork came home. The report card came home. I read it. Once. It is clipped to the side of the fridge so that I can look at it again. Someday.

June 25th. My last day of babysitting. Perhaps ... for forever. I did a little checking yesterday and I will be losing money, if I babysit the one child that needs me for one hour before school next fall. I'm seriously considering abandoning ship. More research is required. But June 25th? My last day of babysitting? Completely uncelebrated and unacknowledged. The end of my daycare career went out with as little fan fare as it received when I started.

June 25th. The first night of 'Dance Camp'. Three hours of dance lessons (thankfully with a short break after each hour). We focused on the Waltz, the Tango and the Foxtrot. Oh ... my aching feet. My favorite part of the whole evening? Getting to visit with all of the people that don't normally come out to the group dance classes. I felt like a kid. "My favorite part was recess!" My brain stops working when my feet start hurting. So I absorbed approximately 45 minutes of knowledge out of a total of 180 available minutes of dance education.

Then came the next day:

June 26th. The second day of 'Dance Camp'. This time, it was three hours of dance lessons (Cha Cha, Rumba and Swing), followed by a pot luck supper ... at my house. I cleaned nooks and crannies that haven't been cleaned since our cat had fleas, in preparation for my company. I got obsessive about things I wanted to do and organize before my guests arrived (thus, I didn't go to school on the 25th). And it was worth the effort.

I loved having people gather in my home. Loved it! It took a while before I sat back and just relaxed ... but once I did, I savored every moment. It is great to have the opportunity to get to know my dance acquaintances outside of the dance studio. It was symbolic to open my home and life to these new friendships. My world feels bright and shiny and new, as I take steps to know people and let them know a piece of me.

June 27th and 28th. Time to rest, appreciate and absorb the events of the weekend past. It was wonderful. I did question my ability to function as a human being as I lost my train of thought in mid sentence, jumbled up words when I spoke, lost the car (and My Youngest) in a parking lot and other miscellaneous things. But it felt very good to stop for a few days and catch my breath. Because ...

June 29th, I had my cousins over for supper/the evening. It was a quiet and laid back visit. Initially, I had sent out an invitation asking who may be interested in getting together to collect memories for the family history book that I'm compiling. There wasn't much feedback on that idea, so we just visited and caught up with each other's current lives instead. Very enjoyable.

June 30th - we headed off to visit my mom. No predetermined plans once we got there. It was a play it by the moment kind of holiday. Normally when I go to Mom's, we do a fair bit of gallivanting. Between trying to visit old friends and taking My Youngest a few places to entertain him, we bounce in and out of Mom's doors a lot. Not this time. My Youngest packed his X-Box and was content to stay put. I went out one evening with a friend. But the rest of the time? Mom and I visited. We reminisced about family history ... we talked about many things (in a light and easy way). We didn't dwell on anything negative, worrisome or serious for any length of time. The visit was to be of the 'feel-good' variety. And it was.

July 4th. We returned home. We walked in the door at 5:30 and I was back out the door by 6:00. I had supper with My Oldest and then we came home and had a long overdue one-on-one chat. It was perfect. My cousin's wife dropped by after My Oldest left. It was 10:00 before I locked the door and I was alone.

July 5th. I went out for an all-morning coffee with my Second Son. I came home and called my sister. I wasn't ready to return to my regularly scheduled life quite yet. So I lingered somewhere in limbo between holidays and reality that day. It was a nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there.

July 6th - yesterday. Back to the real world. I had statements to work on for my bookkeeping job. I put in a 6 1/2 hour work day. I made supper. I sent off a handful of emails to people I wanted to 'talk' to. I talked to a friend on the phone. I ended the day by falling asleep in front of the TV set. Ahhh ... reality.

I love my reality. The past weeks have been fun, but if I didn't have this routine life to return back to I would be lost.

My routine life is undergoing some change. It will be interesting to see what the next months have in store, as I focus on one job. I wonder what energy I will have in me at the end of the day and the end of the week. Where will I divert the excess time?

Almost every email that I sent out yesterday was initiating a gathering of friends or a one-on-one visit with someone. Somehow, I have a feeling that my time will be filled with people and activities that fuel me.

I am excited about what life has in store. I feel like I'm on the cusp of a new beginning. I have time in my life to allow new life into it. I have a little piece of happy within me. And as I told my mom, "I just feel a little bit happier every day!"

Life just doesn't get any better than this ... or does it? Stay tuned!

Done With Daycare?

I am not babysitting any kids ... all summer. My last child's last day was this past Friday. It was the end of an era that was lost in the whirlwind of all that I had going on in my life last week.

I didn't make or take the time to reflect on the moment. Or was there actually a defined moment to reflect upon?

I have weaned myself out of the daycare world since I started school last September. It was a good way to go.

I had older kids that basically just needed an adult in attendance. I didn't have to do a lot for them. They were all pretty self-maintained beings.

It felt wonderful not to be needed quite so much. The little ones who needed a little piece of me all day long were getting harder to manage. Not that the kids or the job changed. It was me. I was tired of my role.

A young neighbor-child was drawn to our yard when I had company over this past weekend. This child reminded me of a little guy that I used to take care of. I felt like I knew him. So when I walked him back home to let his parent know where he was, instead of saying "Here's your child ... keep him"; I said "Your little boy wandered into my yard ... he's welcome to come and play as long as it's okay with you".

I didn't even think about it. I just said it. It was only after my Middle Son said that he wouldn't have handled the situation the way that I did, I thought that this was not the way I normally would handle this kind of thing either. Who have I become?

Is there a small piece of me mourning what I have lost? I know that the direction my life is going is the way that I want it to go. But it is a comfort to look back and reflect on those wild and crazy days of running my daycare and miss it. Just a little.

Am I done with daycare forever? For the most part, yes. But there will always be a piece of me that will remember the sweet moments and the wide-eyed innocence of children. It was a good run.

Too Many Ideas, Not Enough Time

At the moment, I have started reading 3 different books. I have begun the process of putting together 2 different family histories. I am running to the dance studio 3 nights out of the week (the past few weeks anyway) and I'm determined to find a way to work in practising my dancing into my days. I know that I need to exercise - I feel better when I do and it's good for me. And ... I am trying to find a way to take some courses to steer my life in the direction I want it to take.

In the mean time, I have a steady stream of kids filing through the door and I have a pile of book keeping work sitting at my side. I have run out of home made frozen lunch entrees and need to replenish my supply of muffins as well.

I am wondering how I can fit it all in to the 24 hours of each day that I have at my disposal. I think that I should petition for a longer day. 24 hours just isn't enough (unless I fore go sleeping and I refuse to do that).

In the wake of my most relaxing and luxurious weekend of not being a master to any to-do-list and following my whims ... I'm thinking that maybe I couldn't afford to take that time off. But I know that I needed to take it. So I'm glad that I did.

Now ... I need a plan.

As I was exercising this morning, a few answers came to me. I need to delegate certain parts of my day to specific tasks that I am trying to accomplish. 45 minutes first thing in the morning to exercise; 1 1/2 hours during 'quiet/nap time' to work on the family histories; squeeze the book keeping into my days when possible and nights when I must ; and dance whenever and where ever I can. I can become 'The Dancing Babysitter'!

As I research further, into the idea of taking courses to veer me in the direction of book keeping as my next career move it's a little daunting. It is still definitely where I want to end up. But I just don't think that I can fast forward my life in that direction. The wages for a small-time-book-keeper aren't as much as what I earn running my daycare. So my original idea of weaning myself in the 'book keeping' direction was right.

Yesterday morning, I had a house full of kids. They were getting along great, the games they were playing were not annoying and the noise levels were tolerable. While I was within arms reach of my charges: I made a call (researching my book keeping goal); I wrote a letter; I perused one of the 3 books that I'm reading; squeezed in some book keeping work and probably much, much more. As I was multitasking in the comfort of my own home, earning a very comfortable salary as I was doing all of the above, I realized just how fortunate that I am.

If I was working outside of my home, I doubt very much that an employer would allow me to do all of these things as well as tend to my house/yard/ laundry/supper/and tending to my own family. These are the benefits that have no monetary value. These are the reasons that I have come to love being my own boss.

Yes, I work for numerous 'other bosses' - all of the parents of the families that I tend. They are the best bosses in the world (perhaps a little fickle at times, but good people all in all).

I get to earn a good living, live a great life and be a 'hands on mom' ... all from the comfort of home. This daycare life has created the opportunity for me to follow my 'creative self'. Being around 5 and unders all day has its challenges - one of them being the craving for adult conversation. In this lack of adult contact in my days, it has pushed me into writing more, reaching out to family and friends more ... being more.

Yes, today I feel that I am following through on a few too many of those 'great ideas'. But without the ideas, the passion and the drive ... where would I be? I would be going through the paces of that 9 - 5 job among adults and trying to squeeze the mundane tasks of house/yard/laundry/making supper/and errand-running into the few hours left over at the end of a long work day.

Last week, I was completely frustrated with my days-with-kids. This week, I've researched enough options to realize that I've got it about as good as it gets.

I'm still open to the idea of adding about 5 more hours onto our 24 hour day. But as long as I have the ideas, I'm sure I'll find the time.

Regaining Equilibrium

I have been blessed with quiet daycare days and no book keeping work for the first 2 days of this week. I have been revelling in the peaceful and stress free days.

I'm expecting my full daycare load today and I've been warned that the book keeping work will be coming as well. It was fun while it lasted.

Whether a work slow down falls on a weekend or if I'm lucky enough to just have some quiet in amongst the busyness of a regularly scheduled week, it feels good to slow down the pace of life.

I let things get out of control. It was an internal thing. Most people would have just coasted through and got things done when they got done. But I had to be 2 steps ahead. I seem to need to know that things aren't piling up on me.

The reward of my obsession is that I haven't had any extra to-do-tasks this week. Groceries, errands and the lawn have all been tended to. That has been a god send as I faced this week without energy.

Now ... I get to focus my energy on dancing for a while. As I make up for the lessons I missed while my instructor was off (and as we will probably continue to double up some lessons to make up for holidays we are both taking), my hope is devote some time and energy to the routine that we've been working on. I haven't been putting any extra effort into it and it shows.

When I first started dancing, I was forever dancing around the house. I would practise some basic steps and a small amount of technique as I watched the kids in the park. I would race home from my lesson and spend whatever time it took, to ingrain the lesson that was fresh in my mind into my memory and feet. I would practise dancing in the kitchen. I would turn on some music and simply ... dance.

I miss those days.

Now, it seems that I squeeze my dance lessons into my week. If I'm lucky enough not to have to run errands en route or coming home from my lesson, I often have something that must be done at home. If not, I jump into my pj's an revel in the idea of taking a night off when I return from a lesson.

When I first started dance lessons, that lesson was the one guaranteed half hour of adult company that I had in my week. I was giddy with happiness, just knowing that I got to speak to another adult being for half an hour. Now, it seems my life is fuller. I have people and commitments that fill my days.

I used to have more free time. I have filled that time with friends, family, a second job and writing projects. There isn't really one of those things that I want to give up.

The one thing that keeps surfacing when I think of 'what I'm willing to give up' ... is my daycare. I think that I have quite possibly hit 'kid-overload'.

I want to have the time and energy to dance throughout my days again. The question is: How do I get from here to there?