Meanwhile, within the safe, quiet, bubble wrapped little world I exist in, I tossed and turned most of the night wrestling my own state of unrest. The contentment of my Christmas vacation bubble has burst and I'm counting the minutes to retirement ...
When work issues wake me up at night, I know there has been too much unfinished business at the end of the day. I do my best to confront those middle-of-the-night thoughts the following day and I succeed at my mission more often than not. But it is more than the work load.
My subconscious mind took my thoughts and spun them into a dream. I used to "run away" and spend a weekend with Mom when I felt like this in the past. So in my dream, I did just that:
I was visiting Mom in her new home. She was well, content and making her way through her new life with ease.
She lived in a brand new home, sparsely furnished only with what she needed. She had a walk in closet large enough to be a spare bedroom, with only a few clothes on the hangers. Her bedroom was sun lit and huge, with only a bed in the middle of it.
She had a young boarder living with her [I'm pretty sure it was Mark Sloan's daughter from Grey's Anatomy - I had finally fallen asleep to one of those episodes]. Mom was completely at ease with the comings and goings of this young girl. The girl offered to show me her living space. She lived downstairs and had taken over the space in an over-the-top kind of way. Stuff. Clutter. Belongings everywhere. And did Mom mind? Not a bit.
Mom talked on her cordless phone as she wandered through her expansive living area. I commented on it [Mom despised talking on a cordless phone in real life] and she replied, "There is really no other way here ..."
The dream was comforting. Mom was there for me when I went to visit. She was calming. She was so content. Her attitude was that of "That's okay" [I rewind my memory reel to the video my brother created, called "A Day in the Life of Mom and Tramp", as our family pet was recorded on video, doing all the things he was never allowed to do in Mom's presence. Then when my brother interviewed Mom for this home movie, when he asked what she thought of this she simply stated, "That's okay"].
I woke up from my dream not wanting to leave the safe harbor of visiting Mom in her new home. The essence of "Mom" was exactly what I needed.
I want to run away. My Christmas vacation was heavenly. I didn't leave the house, I didn't answer to anyone, everything we needed was right here under our roof.
During my holiday, I worked at my bookkeeping job several days. I could honestly say I loved my job when the day wasn't punctuated with various interruptions, phone calls, urgent needs to meet and losing control of the day. I started work when I was ready to start. I quit when I was finished with what I hoped to accomplish with the day, without having to be somewhere else by a certain time. It was heavenly.
I have organized my little world so I rarely have to enter a store or be in contact with people in any more than a minimal way. My first day back was "can you go here" then "deliver this there", followed by "can you pick this up" then go "do this" then "work outside of home" ...
All of this extra-curricular contact after spending eleven days isolating at home were uncomfortable. The tipping point? The expectation of working outside my home. I wrestled with anxiety throughout yesterday and into the night. I woke up this morning feeling all angsty.
There is a state of unrest in the world. My troubles are nothing in the whole scheme of things. I know this. Oh, what I would give to be able to run off to Mom's for the weekend ...
I miss you, Mom. That is all.
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