I Am Here

This is it. I am here. I am present, quiet and savoring the moment (and my second cup of coffee).

I have spent the past half hour re-reading my posts from the past five months. I'm glad I documented some of my journey to get from there to here. It feels so very good to be sitting in this moment. Here. Today. 

Life is shifting into a new normal. It is early days so there is much tweaking to be done. Over the course of time, slipping into survival mode triggered a lot of coping mechanisms which became habits. It has been two weeks. I will not chastise myself too much yet. But coming home, finding food, collapsing onto the couch and staying awake only long enough to chew, swallow, brush my teeth and crawl into my pj's cannot become my new life.

The pressures of full-time daycaring shifted into a time of finding myself in the presence of seniors in declining health. Snuggling up on the couch in my pajamas, with chips and pop at my side became my reward for getting through the day. I often said (unfortunately it is still true today), "If I'm not chewing, talking or moving I am asleep". 

Getting through the week has felt familiarly draining. New jobs. Being "on" ALL day, every day. Adjusting to dressing for work, leaving the house and adhering to a full time work schedule has taken a new kind of energy.

I've done it. I'm doing it. But I continue to look forward to my weekends in a manner that reminds me of a teenager who lives for Friday. 

Here I am. Savoring my Saturday morning coffee. Inhaling the morning. Mapping out a plan for the next two days. Aaaah.

We are ten days into August and if I hadn't splurged on two getaway weekends and repairing a washing machine, I could happily say "I haven't spent a penny!!". 

My car hasn't moved for thirteen days. I haven't needed to fortify my groceries for thirteen days. I have been tempted to run to the city to splurge on storage solutions but tempered that thought with a wait-and-see approach for now.

The urge to spend money is next to nil. The desire to immerse myself into nesting is all encompassing. I have little energy to expend outside this little piece of property. The desire for connection is strong.

It will come. One day at a time. 

March 23rd

August 10th

Little touches here and there are turning this generic little cabin into a home.