Calm Quiet Place

I have shut the door to our den (aka: "Mom's Room"), gathered a fresh cup of coffee and I'm in my calm, quiet place.

My thoughts have been in a repetitive loop for a very long time, so I have shied away from writing. When people ask how I am, my response is, "Same. Same. And more of the same." And that is the truth.

Holding patterns are comfortable and uncomfortable all at the same time. I've become a little more of who I have been all along and less of who I have been all along. All at the same time.

The past week held a few up-in-the-air variables where I needed to know I had done all I could do, to take a step towards change. That has always brought a feeling of control in an incontrollable situation before. "Do what you can. Then let it go", has been my motto. Trust the pause ...

Thanksgiving came and went this year. I didn't take the time to stop and count my blessings. Truth be told, I count them continually.

I am beyond grateful for the quiet, predictable, safe little life I lead. I peak at the news of what is happening in the world outside of the very small window in which I see the world and I run for cover. I feel like a groundhog who is saying "Spring? Not yet! Not yet!!" and I pop back into my safe little space underground.

I'm in touch with people who matter to me. I have maintained long distance friendships since my family moved when I was nine years old. Long distance, letters, phone calls and sporadic face-to-face contact is warm and comfortable to me. I'm grateful for friends and family who nurture our relationships from afar. I'm grateful for those I do see in the flesh. Less is more when it comes to socializing. At least for me.

Death, dying and chronic illness seem to be a theme among those I know. No one is untouched. Mom used to comment on her feelings on these ongoing conversations. I hear you, Mom. I hear you! 

My sisters and I made our way towards my brother's family's home last month. It was wonderful. Our visit was sprinkled with laughter, familiarity and a sense we were all guests in our temporary AirBnB oasis. It was heavenly. It was life sustaining. Laughter never felt so good.

I have no moral to today's story. I have been craving a little writing time and when I brought out this brand new candle (with a fragrance labelled "Calm Quiet Place") this morning, I thought I would simply stop the world for a few minutes and write.

I miss this space. I miss who I used to be when my fingertips revealed my deepest, unconscious thoughts. I may be back ...