Reflections

I made a glib comment the other day about how 'ugly' I have been feeling lately. I used the 'u' word with little thought. It's the word that came to mind most frequently when I took the time to worry about my appearance.

I don't enjoy mirrors. I use them to get ready in the morning and to give myself a quick once over when I pass one. But for the most part, I find that I am too critical of myself to enjoy my reflection. I avoid mirrors in public.

A mirror is a reflection that I see. Not what others do. I am my own worst critic. And to take the edge off the 'ugly' description in the self-talk that cycles through my head ... I should probably downgrade that insult. I would say that I'm of average looks. I don't turn heads - one way or the other. My mom once described me as a wallflower. At the time, I thought that she was complimenting me. But I realized much later, that she described me perfectly. I'm not a person that most people remember. It almost made me laugh that waitresses 'didn't see' me and I would be the one who's order didn't get taken. It happened on many occasions. I fit in with the scenery. I don't stand out. The key to that sentence is 'I fit' ...

I had the privilege of reading the writing of a 75 year old who had written some of his inner thoughts about his younger years. I was captivated by this piece of writing that turned out to be far from what I could have ever expected to read ...

His story focused primarily on his young adulthood years - from age 17 - 30. He was not only insecure about his appearance, but he was ridiculed, teased and taunted by his peers. That is bad enough when you are a child - excruciating, in fact. But as he entered the years where one starts thinking of the opposite sex, falling in love and the life that follows ... he was faced with what he perceived as one rejection after another. He finally gave up. For 13 years. He sequestered himself from the pain of rejection.

It broke my heart to read the way he told his story. He built his life around what he knew and loved. Family, farming and his faith got him through the years. I can only imagine how quiet and reflective he must have been. To build such a strong wall around himself, so that he couldn't be hurt ... the special few that he trusted must have been saints. He talks about the 'gifts' he received from his nieces - unconditional love. These were children that didn't care about his outward appearance. They saw only what was within.

He talked of 'angels unaware' ... the people that passed through his life and made a comment that affected him for a lifetime. He notices the positive side of people - he has the alternate to compare that to.

I would love to see his story change the way people think (young and old) about carelessly tossing out words. I can envision him talking to a group of young people and those with insecurities and on the receiving end of teasing, would feel understood and less alone. I would like the bullies of the world (they are all around us) to feel what it is like to walk a mile in the shoes of those that they taunt.

I have often thought that the most compassionate and sensitive adults are those that quietly watched life go on around them as a child. The children who don't 'fit in' grow into adults. What each person does with that hurt and anger is as individual as the person that they are.

I have not met the man who wrote these words. I have only read snippets of his writing and every time I read his reflections, I am touched. Even before I read the story of where this sensitivity is rooted.

He is an angel that walks among us. This world is so lucky that he turned to his family and faith to get him through life's rough patches. I can only imagine the treasure that he is, to those nieces and nephews that loved him unconditionally. And to those that he has trusted with his heart.

I'm so grateful that he has an outlet (writing it out) for all that he has lived. He has learned lessons the hard way. By writing his thoughts, maybe he can set them free.

As I read of this man's experience ... just because he didn't 'fit in', it made me very grateful for being the wallflower that I am. I don't want to turn heads ... for any reason. My biggest hope is that the only reason that I may stand out from the crowd, is to be just one person's angel unaware.

The only reflection that is worthy of admiring, is the look in someone else's eyes ... when you've done something that impacts their life in a positive way.