Life Lessons Are Not Easy

Some of life's lessons are easier than others. I have learned some things the hard way but I have been spared some of life's harsher lessons.

Mom's last year was a gift in so many ways. My availability to go out on a whim, stay when needed and extend those stays at times was something I never could have done in any other circumstance since the beginning of my working life.

I was given the gift of "flexibility" at exactly the right time.

While it was nice to be there at times when we were concerned about Mom being on her own, the best times were when I went out just for me. I was told Mom was doing okay. I could stay home. There was no need to go. But I went. I wanted to be there for the good stuff as much or more as the harder days.

I'm so glad I followed my instincts.

Mom and I had a lot of time to visit. I don't remember the details. I simply remember the feeling. There were times when it was light and easy. Other times were not. As much as I felt I said everything I needed to say, I heard everything I needed to hear.

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times. I would make some minor adjustments but overall, I wouldn't change a thing.

Mom was not a complainer. "I am not in any pain" was a common refrain as those in the medical field would ask her about her pain. She said she may not feel pain the way others do but she was able to alleviate most of her discomforts on her own.

Though Mom did not complain, her fuse became a little shorter as time went on. She could not have been feeling well. She was used to living alone and she shared her home so much of the time that little things were slipping out of her grasp.

My nature is to step back, give people their space to do and say what they need to do and say and as time has gone on I have tried not to take things personally. Easier said than done. Mom rarely, if ever, directed her frustrations towards me which made it so much easier to be "me".

Near the end, I wrote "I have discovered the best way through these little moments is to drop the conversation, don't push the point and feel the need to be right. Humor doesn't hurt if you can find a way to use it."

Unbeknownst to me at the time, I would be in circumstances where I would need to follow my own advise. When someone is not feeling well, they are not at their best. Give them room to be who they need to be. Try your best not to take it personally. Rinse and repeat as often as necessary.

Fast forward to the present day ...

My youngest son had his wisdom teeth pulled one week ago. He has been in some form of pain ever since. High grade pain, low gnawing pain and swelling which has advanced to sharp, shooting pains. You can see it in his eyes. He is not himself.

Add a slice of "life" - assignments looming, other pressures mounting, the inability to eat solid foods and it really should come as no surprise that it all came out in the form of frustration as to how I load the dishwasher.

My son and I don't argue. We have rarely had moments where someone needs to walk away. But rather than argue, that is what has been done in the past. The time I was angry over a paper shredding incident, he recognized that was not typical of me and went to his room. I apologized later. I gave him the same grace.

A short while later, he came up and apologized. I mentioned "all of the above" and that his ongoing pain was not helping matters. I suggested this to him and he raised an eyebrow acknowledging that he may or may not have added the pain factor to his frustration factor.

My lesson to him was "Remember this. This is how it feels to be in pain AND have life pulling on you from too many directions. Frustration is inevitable."

Remember this.

There may be a day someone directs their anger toward you and it is less about you and more about where they are coming from.

There is a story circulating the Internets that talks about when you bump into a person with a full cup of coffee, their coffee is spilt. The moral of the story is "What is in your coffee cup?" If your cup is full of joy, your joy spills over. If it is full of pain, anger, frustration, etc, that is what spills when you get bumped.

We cannot control what is in someone else's coffee cup. But we can try to offer compassion. I say "try" because we are imperfect beings in an imperfect world.

Life is full of lessons. Some of them are easier than others. Always look for the lesson. There is always something to be learned as we make our way through this thing called life.