It has been a while. But I woke up with such a hangover this morning.
I replayed the conversation in my mind. I rethought my thoughts as I was on the receiving end of that conversation. I wonder how often my words leave a bad taste in another person's thoughts?
I did a lot of listening. Others often listen far too long throughout some of my monologues.
Sometimes a person just needs to release some words to relieve the pressure of holding everything in. I know I do.
Sometimes we need to hear our thoughts aloud to find our own answers. The same thoughts can cycle around and around and around in my brain and it isn't until I speak (or write) them aloud that I hear my own answers.
It felt different on the other end of this conversation. The negativity gained momentum and power. It spurred on action on this person's behalf and they were glad they said what they did because it made a difference.
When it was my turn to speak, I told some parallel stories and wistfully spoke of the "stories I tell myself" when others act in a way that affects others.
That person speeding on a quiet Saturday morning? Maybe they were in a rush and heading to the hospital for some emergency.
The truck that pulled out in front of me and made an unsafe left turn as I was headed directly in their path? They must have thought they had an arrow.
No one I know would cause an accident on purpose. A momentary distraction ... a bad decision ... light in someone's eyes which impairs their ability to see ... anything at all can cause a momentary lapse in judgement. I count my lucky stars for all the times any one of the above has happened to me and an accident was averted because someone else had time to react in a manner to save the moment.
No one's memory is infallible. Some of us are more fortunate than others when it comes to that which we can remember. No one would choose to lose their ability to recall what they have just been told. No one. What if it was me? I would hope those around me would simply repeat that which has just been said and not hold it against me.
Then I think of the time I could have very well have been the one with an offensive barking dog ... or not keeping up to the neighborhood's standards of yard maintenance ... or the noise from my daycare ... or the noise which one can hear through a shared wall. And I am sorry.
I tried to keep the dog quiet.
I have done my best, with the time and resources I have, to maintain our house and yard to the neighborhood's standard.
I attempted to keep the daycare noises happy ones (though I am haunted by the screaming and crying I can still hear in the echo of those days).
I think of the neighbor I had when I lived in a townhouse during my marriage. I am sorry for the noise she had to hear. But I am grateful for the time(s) she called the police.
I choose to believe each and every one of us is doing the best we can, under the circumstances we are living in.
I choose to believe that if we treat each other with kindness and compassion, we will achieve the best results.
I know enough to believe that all the positive thoughts in the world will not erase the "noise" of the world around us. We are imperfect beings living in an imperfect world. Egos and lifestyles will clash. It is inevitable.
All we can do, is do our best. The best we can do, is believe everyone else is doing the same. Our "best" changes from moment to moment, day to day, circumstance to circumstance.
Who are we hurting the most by holding onto the anger and resentment? Not the other guy. I don't believe in letting "that guy" hold that much power within my life.
I tell myself my happy little stories whenever I can and try my best to live happily within this little bubble of optimism and hope. Yes, my bubble has been penetrated. No, I can't do this at all times and in all circumstances. But I try. I do my best. I choose to believe everyone else is too.
I simply hope the person on the other side of this conversation woke up with a positivity hangover. I can hope ...
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