Sigh of Relief

This past week took a lot out of me. Maybe it's the moon. Maybe it's not. Maybe it's justified. Maybe it's not. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I'm not. Maybe it's too much Coronavirus consciousness. Maybe I'm just a whiner.

Life handed out a lesson on mortality, the imprint a life makes here on earth and the importance of living a life in anticipation of "what's next", while enjoying the moment you are in. 

If I died tomorrow, would I be happy with the week I just lived?

I did my best but I was not at my best. I was kind but I could have been kinder. I worked more than I played. 

Then I did the ONE thing that tipped the balance. I cleaned.

My sons came home from a day trip they had taken to do some rock climbing and hiked through some prairie sand dunes. My middle son was kind enough to give me a perfect amount of produce from his garden.

I was had just finished my list of cleaning chores when they drove up. My son proudly handed over the vegetables of his labor. I looked at them and muttered inside my head "This is why I like to buy my vegetables from the store - I don't have to clean them first".

We came inside and as I walked across the kitchen floor I commented, "The floor feels dirty and I just finished vacuuming it." My son lowered his head and asked, "Does it feel like sand? I think it's me."

I felt the entirety of the day I had experienced but not vented aloud come out in one loud sentence, "This is why I don't clean any more. I just get grumpy!"

We exchanged some civil conversation before everyone went their own way and went on to live another hour.

I had a tough Friday. My week was hard. I could not wait for yesterday to end.

I woke up this morning and breathed a great sigh of relief. I made it through another week. Exhale.

This is NOT living. It is existing. I'm ready to look for signs of life and inspiration. I'm off to spend the day with my siblings. I will inhale the day and resuscitate myself enough to endure the week ahead.

I repeat. This is NOT living the life I hoped for.