What Dreams Will Come?

My dream gene is malfunctioning and it is playing havoc with the side of me I most enjoy being. I love when the possibilities of a dream diverts my attention from the day-to-day world I live in.

I could go back and try to figure out the why, when and how I have come to this state but it is not important to know how I got here. The key is how do I find my way above and beyond this life numbing state?

I started rambling about my dreams as I wrote my morning pages. I couldn't use the word "dream". The word paralyzed my thoughts. Once I wrote "Wish List", the list appeared.

I don't have a dream to "become" anyone more than I am in this very moment. I am who I need to be to get through my days. My work does not define who I am but it does define my days. To wish for anything to change is to wish for things which will spiral out of my control and make me long for "today". Work is what it is. And that has to be okay.

It is my after-hours-self that needs to jump out of her rut. Just a little. I need to reroute my off-the-clock thoughts into something that inspires me.

Dreams seem too elusive and far away. Wishes are a start. Unfortunately my wishes are things of material value.

#1 wish - a car that will get me through the winter. Either getting my existing car up to snuff or an excellent used car that is not going to gobble up money on repairs and maintenance to get it to the state of trust I have with my existing car.

Tied for #1 - is the desire to pay off the money I borrowed to paint our house. These funds I owe feel daunting. I need to get control of my finances after a very heavy spending year. Thus, I believe I need to do what it takes to get my existing car through the winter. [oh, how I wish I worked from home right about now as this would relieve the pressure of the "reliable car" factor]

#2 - shelving for Mom's books. This is attainable. I just need to make a plan (and get that loan paid off before I feel free to spend the money). Book shelves; floating shelves; hang pictures; make the den a usable space. Right now it is simply a room with a closed door. I utilize so very little of our home these days [oh, how I wish I worked out of our home right about now - I would have the need for a defined office space and that would reroute my thoughts on what is necessary to make that happen]

#3 & 4 - bathrooms. I would start downstairs because the plumbing down there is a concern to me. Start at the bottom and work up. Having a 3 piece bathroom downstairs would do one of two things - I would move my room back downstairs again, leaving one room upstairs as available office space; or we would have the ability to take in a border [oh, how I wish I worked from home as this would more clearly define a purpose behind my desire to update our downstairs bathroom - the ONE thing Mom said should be the first thing I should get done]

#5 - durable flooring for the laundry room and a compact easy to access space for clothes to hang to dry. That one sounds easy enough and I don't think it would break the bank either. I have simply always wanted a bright, clean and organized laundry room. It is that simple. No need to wish I worked from home to add that to my wish list

#6 - a quick "spiff" of the remaining space downstairs. The playroom from my daycare days; the room without a name or purpose in our current life; a space that could easily be defined as a living space if there was more than two of us living in this massive home. [this space could become an office if I worked from home]

My wish list has revealed my dream. My dream is to work out of my home. I knew this three years ago, when I closed my daycare. I knew that the secret to creating a life where I was semi-sorta retired meant that our home had to work for me. Renting out a floor? Working from home? There must be more possibilities than those two. I need to reactivate my dream gene and open myself up to the possibilities I have not yet thought of.

If I build it, it will come. Perhaps this is where my wish list is leading. It is leading me down the road of possibilities. If I build it, what dreams will come?