I Write, Therefore I Am

"Why do I write?" was the context of my morning thoughts. I'm feeling a tad defensive this morning. In anticipation of an upcoming writer's workshop, I am frustrated by the thought of trying to hone my writing skills.

I wrote when I could not speak is the simplest way to describe my need to write. I was a painfully shy child and the words inside my head had no release unless I put pen to paper. Thus, I wrote.

As an adult, I still fell back to the written word whenever I felt overwhelming feelings of anything. Good, bad or anything in between. I sort through my thoughts on paper to make sense of the emotion behind them."

Putting some space between "feeling" and "vocalizing" has worked for me. In potentially volatile situations, I sort through my truths on paper, pull out the emotion and attempt to put only facts into words. These words are best spoken. In my experience, there is nothing gained by handing over negative thoughts on the written page.

"Be careful what you put in writing" was Mom's sage advise. Once written [or emailed or texted], words cannot be taken back. They are read from the vantage point of the reader and the intent can be misconstrued.

I have made the mistake of writing raw emotion and handing it over to the intended recipient. Even when my reasons were justified, the written word is powerful. Too powerful at times.

When a person is feeling strong emotions, there is a reason. For me, the best way to sort through the story is to write it out. Letting it cycle and recycle through my mind on an endless loop has not proven to work to my advantage.

When I write out my thoughts it becomes easier to see that there are a finite number of issues at hand.  The process of writing puts me back in the driver's seat. I begin to sort through what is possible to remedy, what is out of my control and decide where to go from that point.

I censor myself when I write. Mom's words haunt me. Be careful what you put in writing. Yet there have been times when I just need to purge everything. I need to write what I am thinking. I need to release the emotion. Those are the pages to shred or the documents to delete.

It is when I don't write, that is cause for concern. After Mom died, I was wordless. I was full of emotion but the words did not come easily. It was then, when I decided I needed to start writing again. It didn't have to be good. I simply had to write. I had to unblock the blockage of words. I needed to be accountable. Thus, this blog was rekindled as I rejoined the land of the writing.

I don't know what to expect from this upcoming writing workshop and I'm not sure where this defensiveness is coming from. I write to clear my head, share my thoughts when they are worth sharing and it is just how I roll. I don't want to take what I enjoy and turn it into work.

After all is said and done, my thoughts come down to this: "I write, therefore I am"