Am I Up to the Task?

(I had removed this post, but I'm reposting it with permission from 'my first born')

I have never really forgiven myself for the mother-I-wasn't for my first born son.

I was young. At age 17, I was pregnant, married and living in an abusive relationship. Our baby was born and I was still a very spoiled child myself. I had little to give and this young, innocent child was instantly a victim of my neglect.

Time went on and I bailed out of the marriage. It all happened too fast. I was 18 years old and I had moved back home with my baby. My mom carried the parental role while I grew up.

The first thing I did was get a job ... then another. I worked 2 jobs for just over a year, bought a condo and at age 19 I was finally able to step up to the plate and be a 'mom'.

Then ... I backtracked and remarried my exhusband. Little did I know then, where that road would take us.Of course the abuse continued. Abuse is a funny thing. You can feel things escalating. They finally erupt. And when there are physical marks that portray the abuse to the abuser ... there is remorse. The honeymoon phase. As long as he was remorseful and the honeymoon phase followed the months that preceded it ... I stayed or kept going back.

The words hurled between us didn't carry a physical scar. That pain was much deeper. But the pain that was deepest of all was being carried quietly within the soul of our perfect child.

Yes, perfect. I can remember thinking that he was too perfect. It's funny that I remember that and that he just recalled a little story this past weekend where he was running around the house giddy with glee and freedom of fear when his dad went off to work one time. And when I walked in the door, he became the perfect child (his words).

Why was I so blind to his pain and fear? I wish upon wishes that I could turn back the clock and erase the 10 year cycle of abuse that we lived. I wish that I had been wise enough to put myself in my child's shoes and rescue him.

I guess I'm grateful that I rescued us at all. We walked away from that life, that city and that province.

At age 27, we started a new life. My oldest son was 9 years old and I had a 3 month old child. Finally, finally ... I saw the light. I had to save my children. And in doing so, I would save myself.

I could never get my oldest son to talk to me about those first 9 years. I tried ... and I tried to voice aloud to him, what I might think if I was in his shoes. I tried to open up the communication. But he had spent his first 9 years living in fear. Why would I think that it would be that easy? Why didn't we go to counselling back then?

But we kept moving forward. My perfect child got into trouble. At age 12, the police were involved. It was beyond frightening to think that he was on the cusp of his teenage years and it was beginning. We were going to become one of those single-parent-with-children-in-trouble-statistics. So I came down hard on him. Too hard ...

Things didn't get better. We endured the teen years and by the time he graduated from school, our relationship was beyond tenuous. It finally reached the point where I could no longer see him. I saw his father when I looked at him. I knew that it wasn't healthy for either one of us for him to live with me. He was finished school, he had a job, a car and had just gotten paid. And I had him move out.

His pleas to me at the time were "I'll pay rent ... I'll get counselling ... I'll do whatever it takes ..." But I was empty. I had nothing left in me to give at the time. And I turned my back.

There are so many forks in the road, where looking back I can see the error of my ways. In almost every case, I was beyond empty when I was at those turning points. When I abandoned my relationships ... I gave it my all, until I had nothing left to give. To work on saving something that I had already spent all of my energy trying to save while I was living it, wasn't even comprehensible to me at the time. I can remember the feeling and the rationale behind my thoughts. But it doesn't make it right.

Throughout the years since then, my oldest son and I rebuilt a very fragile relationship. Each encounter got a little bit better. I wrote him cards, letters and an email to try to put a voice to my guilt and open up a dialogue between us. Then you get to the point where you think 'I write too much' ... I thought I would just follow up in positive actions from this point on. It was small, but I thought we were getting to a better place. We weren't there yet. But it was better than it was. I never let go of the guilt ... but I settled for 'better'.

Fast forward to this past weekend. He called me. I really thought that he was coming to tell me some good news. I desperately tried not to get my hopes up but the little voice inside of me was saying "What else could it be??" He is in the best place in his life so far. He has had a long term (10 years) relationship with the most wonderful girl I could ever hope he would find. They bought a house, he has been working at his job for over a year, they were aspiring to build a new house ... their future seemed certain.

But nothing in this life is certain.

My son's life is turned upside down right now. His relationship has ended ... his girlfriend sounds as empty as I was when I walked away from my 'forever relationships'. She is spent.

And he is telling her "... I'll get married ... I'll get counselling ... I'll do whatever it takes ..."

And he came to me. It's time to be the mother that he always needed.

...

Am I up to the task?

In the Light of Day

As with most things that feel insurmountable at one point, once you take a few small steps in a positive direction ... the mountain doesn't seem as high.

A new day, taking action where possible, talking and facing up to the situation at hand has taken away the fist-in-my-chest-sensation.

One step at a time. A family united. We will be okay. Maybe we'll even be better than we were before.

Sucker Punched

A sucker punch is a blow which is made without warning or preparation on the part of the recipient and so is usually delivered from close range. It is not possible to block such a punch and so people at risk of such blows must be alert to the proximity of potential opponents.

I wasn't expecting the blow ... but I was ready to deal with the aftermath.

There is a purpose to remembering life's lessons. Dwelling on the negatives isn't something I do. I turn it around and focus on the positives and what I've learned from the experience.

I have been writing about the empathy I have gained from all that I have lived. Now is my chance to put those lessons to use.

I'm feeling empathy in every part of my being. I can see and feel all sides to the story. My heart is hurting even though I'm not the one who is wounded.

It's time to step up to the plate and be the person that I've always wanted to be.

Fortunes

We went out to an Asian restaurant last night and I had 2 fortunes tucked into my fortune cookie:

"Tomorrow will be a productive day. Don't oversleep."
"A loved one is of utmost importance at this time."

I took the first fortune to heart. This morning, I woke up (but continued to rest) about an hour before my alarm was set to go off. And even when my alarm did go off, I gave myself an extra half hour. And I still surprised myself by getting up a half hour earlier than I intended to (the clock in my room has gained a half hour and I haven't reset it because sometimes I can trick myself into getting up early if I can't remember the formula to calculate the correct time).

I have a full day ahead of me. Book keeping work to do. A book project that is in its finals stages and very close to being ready to send to the publishers. And #1 son called me last night, while I was out with #2 son (at the above mentioned Asian restaurant to belatedly celebrate his birthday). And #1 son (who never drops by without a reason) will be dropping by today. (A loved one is of utmost importance at this time .... hmm ...).

(Amusing story about the phone call that I received on my cell while we were having supper. I'm not an experienced cell phone user, but I've figured out enough to take inbound and make outbound calls. I thought I had the skills of 'hanging up and locking the phone, so numbers don't get accidentally pushed' honed as well. Apparently not. A short while after I hung up after my brief conversation with #1 son, my purse was talking. "Hello. Hello .. Hello ..." It took me a moment to find the person who was in my purse. Not only did I not lock my phone ... but the buttons to redial and switch to speaker got pushed ... and I had put the phone into a compartment I rarely use in my purse. So I felt like I made a bit of a spectacle of myself as I scrambled through my purse and then put the phone up to my ear and unknowingly continued the conversation in 'speaker' mode, so everyone within hearing distance of our table heard the ever-so-brief-conversation as I quickly wrapped up the call I hadn't intended on making. The audio of my 'talking purse' brought a smile to my face for the rest of the night).

I'm not sure what this day has in store but I'm off to an early start and anticipating the visit of a loved one.

It could be a fortuitous day.

2 Weeks Down ...

In the days before 'back to school', Kurt lamented that it just wasn't fair. Summer felt like it sped by. It felt like two weeks, not two months! Well, if the rest of the year flies by like the past 2 weeks have, it's going to be over before we know it.

I'm not quite in 'my groove' yet. This week was a far cry from last week. Possibly a balance between the two weeks would be best.

This week ... I put in 3 1/2 hours of book keeping work, verses the (almost) 20 that I squeezed into 4 days last week.

This week ... I had a few more kids and my daycare days have been longer (almost 13 hours for the 4 days that I've been available).

My school hours and my dancing hours are unchanged.

But all in all, this felt like a very laid back week. I got to go to bed early. I was rested enough to have the 'luxury' of a restless sleep on a few occasions. I had time to breathe. But I was unaccustomed to the time in the evening, so I felt like I wasted it.

I could have vacuumed, dusted and cleaned a cupboard or two. But I didn't. I should have ran over to a friends to pick up something that I had promised to help out with. But I didn't realize I'd have the time. I don't know what I did do ... I just know what I didn't do.

I'm loving the change in the flow of the days in my new world. Instead of running the dishwasher daily, it is a biweekly task (at most). I am scrambling to come up with a 'light color' load of laundry which wasn't a problem in my old world (lots of wash clothes for 'the masses'). I go through half the milk, my grocery isn't dwindling as quickly and I don't have the chore of washing all of the bedding for my many nappers on Fridays.

I'm going through more gas and more bread products (lunches) ...

But on the whole, it feels like there is much less 'consumption'. Less food, less laundry, less dishwashing, less cooking, less scheduling, less pressure, less bickering/needing/ wanting/asking, less kid-hours, less kid-noise, less mess, less confusion.

I am alone with my own thoughts for much of the day. There is very little conversation that takes place at school, my drive there and back is quiet, I start and end the days quietly. The chaos in my mind is almost nil.

The scheduling of kids/meals/bathrooming/naps/snacks/outside play/co-operative play and my many parents coming and going has been replaced. I go to and from school. I'm here for the kids before and after school. I dance 2 evenings. I do my book keeping when the work is here.

After my rant last week about how busy my new life is ... I must amend that. I'm a different kind of busy now. A good busy.

This said, after 2 weeks. I wonder what I'll be thinking 2 months from now?

Expanding the Mind

I'm diligently trying to breeze through the courses that precede what I have set out to learn (as I am trying to earn an education that will give me the tools that I need to take on more book keeping work).

Introduction to Personal Computers; Introduction to Keyboarding; Windows XP - Level 1; Keyboard Skill Building. B-O-R-I-N-G. And tedious.

But there is always more to learn, a skill that can be honed.

As I wade through the courses on computers, I am learning. I have figured out how to navigate on a computer (mostly through trial and error) but in the process there are many things that I have missed. The icons on the tool bar that I didn't understand (thus, I didn't use them); drop down boxes that I had never noticed before on the 'go back' buttons; ''Rover'' as my Search Companion (press the Start key on your computer; press the Search button on the menu that pops up and see if you have a Search Companion).

My keyboarding skills are more than adequate for my needs. Those typing classes that I took in high school gave me the tools that I needed to navigate a keyboard with ease. I thought the keyboarding classes would be a waste of time and energy. But I'm gaining speed, learning how to better navigate the number row and I'm working on accuracy.

My vision is expanding and I am seeing more on the computer and learning more than I thought that I could with these introductory classes.

Life is like that. We learn how to navigate through our lives. We do what we must do to get by. We learn things on a need-to-know-basis. And even when we do that, we continue to add to our life skills. There are always surprises around the next corner and some new 'skill' we must add to our repertoire of dealing with life's surprises.

I think that is the reason that I love to read. Granted, my reading is for entertainment value. But what I gain by reading fiction and blogs of real-life people is a different way of looking at the same situation. A person simply can't experience all that life has to offer (and you wouldn't want to), but by reading something that reaches out and touches you ... you gain more empathy and a wider vision.

I like to exercise my mind and try to expand my understanding, knowledge and view of the world. I've experienced enough 'learning curves' in my personal life to give me a wider realm of empathy. I have gained the confidence to talk to more people and learn from others (this amazed me as we acted 'the tourist' during our vacation ... every experience was enhanced by talking to and asking questions of those who were leading our tours).

As I open up my books teaching more about computers than I ever thought I would need to know, I've opened up myself. There is so much more to learn than meets the eye. So many shortcuts and helpful tools available than I ever realized.

I could have possibly passed these courses without reading the material. But 'a pass' isn't what I'm after. I have set out to gain as much as I can from this educational experience. I've set the bar high enough that I will have to work to attain what I want to from these courses.

For years,I did the same thing with my life. I eked by, learned what I needed to know, as I needed to know it and I seemed to be continually surprised by the next 'life lesson' that was tossed my way.

It has only been in the past few years that I have reached far out of my comfort zone and dared to experience life by drawing new challenges, people and dynamics into my regularly scheduled life.

I was happy before. But I'm happier now. I not only dare to dream ... but I reach out and try to make some of those dreams come true.

It's like those many tools that are available on the computer screen that I didn't even 'see' before. It's all right there in front of you. You just have to expand your horizons, your knowledge and sense of adventure ... and learn to experience and appreciate everything that is already right there in front of you.

The Blackboard of Life

"You get to fill the blackboard of your life with whatever you want. If you have filled it in with baggage from the past, wipe it clean. Erase everything from the past that does not serve you, and be grateful it brought you to this place now, and to a new beginning. You have a clean slate, and you can start over - right here, right now. Find your joy and live it!" - The Secret

I love the visual of 'wiping the board clean' and starting each day with a clean slate. Free of the past, free from any negative residual feelings from the days/weeks/months or years prior.

Instead, it is filled with only the thoughts that fuel you.

Family that grounds you, friends that inspire and encourage ... stories that make you laugh, make you think, make you grow ... snippets of time and little memories that make your heart sing.

My blackboard would have only uplifting items on it at the beginning of the day, yet there would be lots of room to add the contents of the day ahead.

Then, at the end of the day ... I would examine the day, take the lessons that I needed to learn from it ... and start with a clean slate the next morning.

It sounds easy. We do have the power to recreate each day from scratch. I do firmly believe in learning from all that life presents you and being grateful for all that has brought you to where you are in life right now.

I believe in the power of gratitude. I haven't walked the easy path in life. No one that I know has. The key is, to take something positive out of everything negative that may happen. That doesn't sound so easy. Sometimes it takes a while ... but it is usually there. One small glimmer of hope or sunshine in among the many storms of life.

Keep the lessons, feel the gratitude ... but wipe the slate clean and start fresh. Every moment you can.