One Day!

This is the day I've been waiting for. This is the day that I mapped out in my 'time budget' before I started back to school. This is that illusive day off (thanks to the school forever granting the kids a day off, a long weekend and the school year starting on a Tuesday). This is my day!

I have put in my required school hours for the week. I am done. The kids are off to school today. I shall be alone.

I got tingly every single time I thought of the reality of this day coming true yesterday. A day on my own!

I went to bed, knowing that I had a free day. A day that I have to do with, as I please.

I woke up this morning, with my heart racing. This is my day!

What are my plans?

I plan to work. I have aspirations of putting in a full day of book keeping, so that I can take Sunday off. Sunday will be 'our' day.

Sunday will consist of ... a morning to do with, as I please. An afternoon that is wide open. Sunday is our family supper day. The previous family suppers have been squeezed in to a busy Sunday. Not this week.

I am taking today and making it work for me. I'm giving 'my day' to my family ...

One Month In ...

Today is the one month anniversary of my return to school. True to my analytical mind, I was tallying up the hours spent on this, that and the other thing as the month wound to a close.

I've lived the first month in 'real life' ... the time budget that I made up for myself at the onset of this life change couldn't be further from the reality.

What I'll keep:

School!!! I love it, love it, love it!! I'm starting to learn things that actually apply to the book keeping job that I have. I've learned the simplest things about computers and even calculators that I didn't know before ... and now I utilize these simple tools every day in my real life. I love to exercise my brain. My only fear is that I haven't challenged it enough.

Family suppers! They came about in a round about way, but it was the suggestion of #1 son that initiated this event. Eagerly seconded by Second Son. Kurt? He is guaranteed one hot, well balanced meal a week. And me? I'm lovin' it. Except ... as the third family meal wound to a close, I couldn't help but think "When are we going to go out for supper??"

Dancing! Yes!!! I'll be glad when the showcase comes ... and goes. It will mean one less night at the dance studio. But after the month that I had, I actually couldn't wait to get to the dance studio last night to remove my head from the busyness that has occupied the previously unoccupied space. It is the 'fun factor' in my life. It stays.

Time off! I took 3 complete and total days off for the September long weekend. It was wonderful in every way. I indulged myself in a small trip with friends, a day to myself, Kurt was happy and it was relaxing in every way. I think my goal for the months ahead would be to stagger those complete and total days of relaxation into 'one day a week' instead of 3 days at the beginning of the month and time 'as life dictated' scattered throughout the remainder of the month. Sundays off are my goal.

Writing ... it's a keeper and always will be. The blog? It's my favorite way to spend a cup of coffee (except a face to face visit with someone will always take precedent). Family histories? Still a passion. But they are on a back burner for now. 'Putter' is my goal. A little bit here and a little bit there. I'm not forgetting the ultimate goal. But for now, I just have to put other things first.

Work (no exclamation point). It is required. It is good. But it took up every spare moment of my time last month and I'm tired. I achieved my goal of logging 80 hours of work in the month. But I have to find a better way of doing it. Working all weekend isn't good for Kurt, my friendships/family or my sanity. Yes, the work must remain. But I'm going to aim towards moderation (and Sundays off, of course).

Kids. Hmmm. As my kid-hours wane, I wonder how I ever did this full time. The bickering for the 45 minutes to an hour that I have 3 children drives me nuts. My usual phrase is "I have 3 rooms and I know how to use them!" But really? Do they really have to argue about every little thing? My kid days are coming to an end. I felt it before. I know it now.

TV. That's another 'hmmm' topic. I have made the effort to try and watch some of my (taped) favorite TV shows as the season premiere week descended upon us. I enjoy it. But last night, I grabbed not only a bowl of ice cream ... but the remainder of a bag of chips (granted, it took me 4 sittings to consume that bag) ... and 4 packages of 'Fruit Gushers' so that I could stay awake long enough to get through 'Desperate Housewives'. The TV programs stay ... the excessive eating must stop.

Speaking of excess eating ... my clothes fit better after one month of this new life. My appetite (except when I eat to stay awake) is normal and good. I think this new life is good for my waist line.

I've learned a lot this past month. Not all of it from school ...

"Mother, Can You Spare an Hour?"

Kurt gingerly approached me last night, as I sat at the computer (quite literally surrounded by the boxes of work that I require, to do my next book keeping task) and said that he really felt like cashing in one of his birthday coupons. The one that gave him "One hour of my time (redeemable any evening - just let me know that you need some time with me)."

I uttered the words 'Oh no', as I was knee deep in my newest work project. And he walked away. I thought that he had given up on me ... again. But he returned about a half an hour later, with his coupon in hand.

And I walked away from my work. I forewarned him that I had left a phone message for someone and I was expecting a call. But we sat down and turned on a movie anyway.

The phone rang and I was back to our movie and our 'hour' within 15 minutes.

It was wonderful.

As much as he simply needed to share some physical space with me ... I needed the same. I just didn't recognize it.

An hour was perfect. Any longer, and I would have fallen asleep. Any shorter, and it wouldn't have been long enough.

Just time. Time to sit still. Time to share a couch. Time to turn out the rest of the world and responsibilities.

Sometimes ... we all just need a little time.

I returned the coupon to Kurt. I think I need to walk away from my obligations sometime and focus on what is truly important.

I'm making time for my family.

Technical Difficulties

As I've spent the past few days fighting with a program on the computer and trying to make it work for me, I exhausted my mental resources.

I don't mind the battle, if I've got something to show for it at the end.

Yesterday, at the end of a very long evening, I had finally accomplished what I had set out to do ... but I still couldn't work with what I had. I was deflated.

Then, I took a breath and stepped away.

I decided to take one step away from technology (sending a file via email), another step sideways (saving the book to a CD) and one step forward and do whatever it takes to complete the job (send it via 'snail mail').

That is what I'm doing this morning (except there is one final revision that I want to make, which means entirely redoing everything that I did yesterday).

As the computer slowed down to what feels like a turtle's pace yesterday (in this world of hi-tech speed and efficiency), all I could think is "please ... don't break down on me now!" And it didn't.

My technology is holding up.

My trusty steed(s). A computer that just keeps going ... which reminds me of all of that I have, that makes my life so much simpler. I have a computer. And ... a car that continues to get me where I need to go ... a home that shelters my family ... a supply of groceries on hand that sustains us. But most importantly, a body that just keeps going.

Not only do I have the ability to challenge my brain by going to school, work on book projects and doing my book keeping. I have a body that is strong and hardy. It weathers the storms and just keeps ticking (for which I'm eternally grateful).

Technical difficulties or not. I'm moving on.

Perspective

As a book project that I've been helping a friend work on is in the final stages before it goes to press, I'm looking at it one last time. From a new perspective.

As this book has gone from one stage to the next, we keep looking at it in new ways. From the computer screen in front of us ... to the 'print preview' (where you can see how the document will appear on the printed page) ... to printing it off and looking at it on paper. There are two of us working on the project, each with a different eye and we notice different things. We bounce ideas off of each other and we keep thinking we are done. And finally ... we have completed our mission. Or so I thought.

As I transferred this to the 'PDF file' last night/today, I'm seeing it from yet another vantage point. Little things that I missed are now glaring at me. More changes and edits.

I couldn't help but think of 'life' as I was thinking of all of these varying perspectives.

Someone I know is going through a very thorough self-examination of their life at the moment. They are examining their past, their actions, habits, relationships and every little nook and cranny of 'life as they know it.'

What impresses me most about this person, is their honesty and quest to dig to the heart of the matter. They aren't looking for easy answers or excuses. They are taking this as an opportunity to make changes that will affect their relationships and life from this point on.

They are thinking, researching, talking and listening. They are talking to friends, family and professionals. They are talking to people that see things from a different perspective than they do. And they are looking for brutally honest answers.

It's very hard to look at yourself honestly. The way you internalize and perceive life is as individual as your fingerprint. Yet most of us strive to be accepted and want to build solid relationships in our lives.

Every person in your life sees a different part of you. Every encounter with a person involves at least two different people's point of view. Two people can describe the same incident and both see a completely different side to the exact same situation.

It's all about perspective.

And as it is, with this book that I am desperately trying to send off ... I can keep coming back at it from a new direction and see many more things that I could change. The process could be endless. But at some point, I do have to be content that I've done all I can. And move forward. Even then, I'll continue to notice other things. It may be too late for this book ... but I'll know for the next time.

As is is in life. All you can do is learn as you go. Keep the important lessons, move forward, keep looking at life and yourself in different ways and remember all you've learned for the 'next time' ...

Life is What Happens ...

There's nothing more eye opening in life, than feeling like you wake up one day and life as you knew it and expected it to be ... is all but a memory.

It can happen to anyone. An accident or illness that completely upends the plans that you had for your life. An unexpected loss of a job. A family crisis. A relationship ends ...

There is such peace in waking up and feeling like you know what is in store for you. 'Ruts' as I call them. Comfortable and familiar, you walk mindlessly through your days and do the same things, act the same way, take life and relationships for granted and assume that tomorrow will be more of the same.

Even when you know 'life' isn't perfect and that there are ways you could improve it or yourself, it is far too easy to keep doing what you've always done. Living your days as you have done for what seems like an endless amount of time.

But every now and again, a person's world gets shaken.

If we are very lucky, no matter what happens ... we can pick up the pieces that remain and go on. When we pick ourselves up and carry on, we have a choice. To put the puzzle back together exactly how it was and go on doing the same thing, thereby recreating the sequence of events that got us to that low point. Or ... we can pick up some of the better pieces, cast a few of the old ones aside and try to rebuild something 'new' within ourselves.

I have 'recreated myself' a few times as life went on. Each rebuilding process hurt a little bit more than the one that preceded it. The last 'loss' in my life was the most painful of all. But you know what? In the rebuilding process, I added some brand new 'pieces' to my life. And I believe that this creation is the best one yet ...

Saturday Morning Meanderings

Ahhh! The weekend at last.

My brain started to slow down late yesterday afternoon. I completed the book work task at hand; the house was clean; a load of laundry was on the go; and 2 out of 3 of the kids I had tended had gone home. I grabbed my book, sat down ... and relaxed.

I ran one quick errand last night, I turned off my brain and turned on the TV.

Yes, the TV. As I arranged myself in a relaxed spot alone on the couch and put my feet up, it felt like it had been ages since I had granted myself a moment such as this.

The best part is, that I didn't grab something to eat as I turned on the TV. Snacking and TV had become synonymous in my mind, by the time last years TV season wound to a close. Part of my inclination to keep the TV viewing out of my life was to alleviate the temptation to return to my prior eating habits.

As Kurt and I have sat and watched movies together, we often will eat a 'take-out-meal' as we sit down in front of the TV. But the snacking has been minimal. We may have some treats at arms length ... but we nibble a bit and that's it. We ignore the temptation for the most part. Snacking and TV, my eternal friends ... seem to be parting ways.

My overeating syndrome seemed to crash to a halt, as I made my decision to wean myself off kids and pursue the idea of going back to school (thus, altering my work-from-home-path).

There has been an inner peace within me that has returned. I had been trying to remain positive in my daycare oriented world for a long time. But I was losing the battle. My insane eating habits were almost entirely related to the conflict within my mind.

I can still feel the sensation of 'filling' an already satisfied appetite. My stomach was full, but I was still running on empty. I binged on foods that I don't even normally crave. I could feel the chaos in my mind but I didn't do anything about it. Except eat.

My weight has become a non issue for me once again. As the dance showcase nears, I know that I must find new costumes. I wish that 'blasted red ballgown' fit (it haunted me, even when I weighed 10 pounds less) but ... it doesn't. I haven't even tried it on. But I know.

I'm content within my skin and my new size. If a few pounds drop off as my eating habits change, that is okay. But I'm done fighting with the scale. I think the reason I became so consumed with those numbers was because I was trying to control something within my life. My life had become consumed with kid-noise and unpredictability.

My new life has been busy. I've had some curve balls tossed this way that I wasn't expecting. It added clutter to my brain ... but not chaos. At no point, in the four weeks that I have been at school, have I turned to food to calm the chaos within. There is a calmness that has taken its place. This serenity feels unshakeable.

I'm revelling in that state of mind this glorious Saturday morning (but now, I must get to work ... I have a few attainable goals on 'the list' for today).