When Is It Going to Start to Feel Like Christmas?

It's not starting to feel a lot like Christmas. I'm not sure it's going to happen this year ...

I have cheated myself out of what I enjoy the most. Giving of the heart.

The Christmas card exchange. It is my favorite part of the year. This year? I have responded to the cards I have received. That is okay because it's more like a conversation than a monologue about my own year. But it's just not quite the same.

I usually have a handful of gifts that only cost 'time'. This year? I had one gift that I was excited about. One gift that I couldn't wait to see the recipient open. One gift. And I didn't get to see the reaction. It was a 'Secret Santa' gift and the fun in the whole exchange is supposed to be finding out who your Santa is. It was disappointing.

I usually bake. Something. I usually end up eating the lions share of the baking because my children like sweets in small quantities. Not a fridge-full, once a year. So this year? I didn't bake. I thought I'd do myself a favor and not have to face the job of eating up all the leftovers.

The gifts I gave this year are more material than I wanted them to be. A few of them are based on a 'theme' or a future event. I have spent more money this year, than any time I can remember. Yet I feel 'cheap'. My gifts aren't right. They aren't special. They aren't 'me'.

I'm not giving the piece of me that I wanted to give this year.

I guess I'll just have to make up for it throughout the other 364 days of the year. That's what I prefer anyway. That is why I resent what this 'day' has come to. I thoroughly enjoy the gift of giving. But I like to do it in my own time, in my own way.

The spirit of giving should be a habit. Not an occasion.