Mon, Sept 18/17
Dear Mom,
A new week is dawning. The week spells "the return to
normal" in every way. Though I know this is good and it is time, I am
going to miss being immersed in family and the memories that continually wash
over me as we tend to business at hand.
We all returned to your home this past weekend. One of your
rabbits was waiting for us upon our return. He didn't beckon me forward. He
simply acknowledged me and headed in the opposite direction. He's moving on...
It is good to have a purpose and reason to return to your
home. I am grateful for the excuses we have to keep coming back for a while
longer. My heart is aching at the thought of removing your essence from the
home which was such a big part of you.
Your home was an integral part of our "coming
together" as a family. It symbolizes so very much. Christmases past.
Reuniting in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. The list goes on
and on...
Your home was more than a piece of real estate. You put
your heart and soul into your house and it sheltered you through many a storm. You
stood your ground and stayed in your home when we thought it would have been
better for you to move out and into a "simpler life".
Simpler for who (or is that whom?), you ask? Yes, you are
right. We had our own agenda. We worried about you on your own and we would
have worried less, if you had been in a community where support systems were in
place. But in the end, you did it your way. And your way was good.
Your home housed all of us as we came together and walked
through the last of your days at home. When you were hospitalized, your home
sheltered and embraced us as we walked through new and foreign territory. Your
house was a port in the storm. We were surrounded by the essence of
"you" and it was good. It was the best we could have hoped for during
a time when the ground we were walking on was shaky and unfamiliar.
We brought out the outline you created for and with us
(approximately twenty five years ago, when death and dying were the furthest
thing from your reality) and we talked about the contents of each of the rooms
you had earmarked for us. We used your guideline. It was a good one.
We shared what you wanted shared. We compromised. We
acknowledged and respected each other's wishes. We gave more than we took.
We each have our strengths and weaknesses. My weakness
showed up in a very big way when it came time to sort through material possessions
and forty years worth of living at one address.
Wendy and Donna sent me on my way and I sat alone
"with you" in your sunroom. I shed a few tears as I thought of the hours
we have spent together with you enjoying your favorite reclining spot. I
pictured you there and in my mind, I saw the evolution of your slow decline
over the course of this spring, summer and fall. I knew in my heart it was
time for you to move on and it is good that your spirit has been set free from the confines of a body which was slowing you down.
My heart may break into a million pieces when we
deconstruct the home you so carefully built. I may go and spend some time alone
before that day comes. I wish I could step in and preserve the world you built
around you but I just can't find a way...
Everything happens as it should. The past year has cemented
my need to build upon the world I have created here. A year ago, I would have
walked away from it all. But during this last year, life presented
opportunities which entails staying "here", in the home I have
created over the course of the past thirty years.
I want few of the material possessions you have acquired
over the years. They hold little value to me. But an idea was planted within my
brain last night as I reflected upon the weekend past.
If it is okay with the
others, I would like to preserve your "library" after everyone picks
and chooses whatever books they wish to have. I will create a little oasis
within my home and use your library as a starting point. I will let my heart
make the choices and create my own little "sun" room, using your spirit
to light the way. No one will recognize what it is, except for the people who
knew you well.
No one can take away the memories I have collected within
my heart. Yes, life goes on. A new family will move into your house, renovate,
live their own life and make their own mark in the world. You have made yours.
As important as your home was to you, it isn't where you
left the lasting imprint. It is in our hearts where we will carry a little
piece of your feisty spirit. We will mix it together with Dad's way and our
own, and we will move on knowing we have our guardian angels watching over us.
Love,
Colleen
P.S. Mom, I found the missing plastic end to the heater you
had in the sunroom. How in the world did I find it in with income tax papers
from late 1980 to the early 1990's (along with cards, notes and letters from in
and around 2012)? I will never know. I lifted it up to show you. I hope you
know. The lost has been found. May you rest easy in knowing we will find what
is important to us, along our way.
P.P.S. Your rabbits didn't show up when it came time to
leave. I missed them. I miss you too.
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