Finding Solid Ground Again

My head has no idea what my fingers have to say this morning. I'm writing without a map. I've written several letters with this same mindset. Sometimes it is good, other times it is very strange and then there are the times my eyes are surprised to read what oozes out of my finger tips. I have no idea what the next few paragraphs have to bring.

The weekend past, was filled with company, conversation, friendship, family and laughter. And it was good.

After my weekend guest left, I simply soaked up the solitude. I have become such an "island" within this little life of mine. As much as I know I need to push myself out and beyond my comfort zone, returning to this quiet little oasis I call home is where I most want to be.

Conversations got deep. Very deep. It was good. But it was exhausting. I was so overwhelmed, I actually retreated to the world of numbers shortly after I found myself alone within our home.

I believe I am waiting for one last tax slip and I will be ready to take the year "2017" to my accountant and wrap up the year in a once and for all and final way. As much as I will be relieved to wrap up my duties as executor of Mom's will, the whole idea of completing this process and dividing assets doesn't sit well with me.

I sit within our home which is lightly sprinkled with Mom's belongings and it warms my heart and fills my soul.

I have finally started to feel a little of the financial relief that comes by working a full month and not heading out to Mom's on a regular basis. It is amazing how affordable life has become now that I am bringing in a full month's wage, saving on vehicle expenses and sticking close to home.

I have been struggling financially ever since I lost my "equivalent to married" tax status. I have managed on an income far less that what I earned last year but not having a dependent to ease the tax burden has made a tremendous difference.

My financial troubles feel like they could be behind me. Not due to an inheritance. But due to the fact I have a steady income, a little money left at the end of the month, the reinstatement of an "annual expense" savings allotment which is easily included in my monthly budget and the forecast of rather predictable expenditures for the foreseeable future.

I am grateful for this feeling of regaining financial stability before "assets are divided". I need this time. I need to know I am capable of making my own way, without using Mom's money.

The ground beneath my feet feels pretty solid. As good as that sounds, it actually feels a little bit like when I first walked on solid ground after a one week cruise. A person feels a little bit wobbly and disorientated for a while.

Wikipedia describes sea legs as: "Illusion of motion felt on dry land after spending time at sea". This description is very fitting. I have been feeling a little lost at sea. In actual fact, I do feel like I've stopped drifting. I'm standing still and still wavering a little. But I do believe I'm on my way.

Back on solid ground, looking up and feeling the possibilities of life opening up is a little bit like finding a deserted island in the middle of the ocean.

The reinstatement of hope, fear of the unknown is mixed with the anxiety of knowing danger could be lurking around the next corner. This pretty much describes the gamut of thoughts I am thinking and emotions I am feeling at the moment.

I may just linger on the beach for a while...